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We had yet another big discussion. Blah, blah, blah.
He conceded that things are far from great and that he’d thought about divorce. He said he’d planned to close our business down and go and get a job, and “you’d be on your own”. (I work for the business, so if he shuts it down, I’m financially done for).
I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I am. I said to him “So we’ve known each other over half our lives; we have a family together – but at the end of the marriage, you’d be all out for yourself, without a thought for how I would cope” and he said “That’s what divorce is”.
I’m not a moron. I know what a divorce is. You don’t get divorced because you want to be together, you get a divorce because you want to break up. But I can’t even tell you how much it’s cut me that he’s PLANNING a spiteful and selfish split. It’s not even that we decide to split with the best intentions and it turns nasty; this is his considered plan. To leave me absolutely screwed. To do the most that he can to ensure that I – and our kid – suffer.
It feels like a warning, and it feels like blackmail. Absolute financial control. All my money is in the business, so I have no financial independence. And I earn my living through the business, so if he closes it, I have nothing at all.
And here I am, a stupid idiot, shocked that he’d hurt me. I mean: really. After all this time, I really, really ought not to be shocked that he’d hurt me.
x
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Sorry to read you’re going through this WWIU. He’s reacting from his emotions hey, like a child. When mine realised I was going and it really was over he was dreadful, he turned really cold and malicious – it’s a real smack in the face isn’t it.
Could you run the business yourself? Perhaps if you were to have the business valued and this is something you take, he could take something else of equal value?
Could his feelings change as he calms down and realises that divorce it the best thing for all of you? Is this the first time divorce has been discussed? As it is bound to stir all kinds of emotions hey. It might take a while for this to settle in.
Is it about you both deciding that you will divorce and that is it for now; agree you will discuss the how things will be split over the next few months when you’ve both had time to really think about it? Hugs x
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Never underestimate these men. He will leave you with nothing and no one, not even children are out of bounds when it comes to collateral damage. He will even take himself down just to satisfy his twisted sense of entitlement. Don’t discuss it again. Get all your ducks in a row. Any legal measures that can protect you. Pacify him meantime and do not believe a word he says. If you think he was abusive when you were together, be prepared for much much worse. I’m not trying to scare you I’m trying to prepare you for what I went through. They are pathological liars. If you have access to financial documents then get copies. My ex was stealing thousands behind my back.
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Hello there,
I have to agree, agree, agree with what KIP says.She has explained it better than I ever could.
And please believe what she says that ‘even children are not out of bounds’.
Having said and listened to all that wisdom, please know that there have to be more options than he says there are, for you, for the business, with finances, with your kids, going forward…
what he is trying to do right now is coercive control and intimidation.
He basically wants you to disappear, without your kids.
This is not a joke. Mine tried that too.
Thank the goddess, he didn’t get what he wanted.Although I know, he would have been quite happy if I had jumped off a bridge, or similar.
But he didn’t get what he wanted, did he?Please know, I am not joking. I have known women who went down due to the pressure.
Together with other women from refuge, we attended a funeral of one of them,
each woman in refuge was thinking ‘it could have been me’.As you’ve said, the gloves are off…
The fightback starts now hon…we are with you
ftc
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and please don’t beat yourself if that you are shocked at this behaviour.
I was too. Really, and I still can’t believe it.
But that just shows you are a decent person, doesn’t it?
HOld that thought hon. You are a decent person and you deserve better. And you will get it. We are there for you, ladies on here.
ftc
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It is sadly very accurate what KIP has said. And very unsettling. It would be wise to seek legal advice on your situation. I’m sure he has.
Try not to panic and react without being informed. Hard as that may be to do when you’re fearful of the future. Remember knowledge is power and being informed by a solicitor is a good start. -
After a while I taught myself not to react for 24 hours. Whatever he throws at you. Go away and do nothing for 24 hours. Let it sink in. Think about what’s behind it. Doing nothing is also an option. These men lie and bluff their way through life. You don’t have to react until he does something tangible. Threats and bluffs are what they do x
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My ex told me when we split that he’d take as many people down with his as he could, meaning me, y family, my friends. These are the sort of people we are dealing with. You really can’t imagine anyone being so low. But they are. So be prepared x
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Think I’ve just realised why he’s said this, is it because although you are an employee, in law if you divorce – he has discovered you are entitaled to half of the business, so he would rather fold it than buy you out?
On top of dividing the house? So he’s furious?
Any chance you can get hold of the business financials and make a copy? If he does fold the business then if you have these financials then I dont think it is that easy for him to do this.
Also, I would try and put to one side the worry about your future earning / working in this business – you will work out what you need to do when that time comes – sounds like you want well away from him – so whatever you choose to do for work – when you are ready, it will not be alongside him and it will work out, because you will make it so x
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Could you take the business elsewhere and employ someone to do his work?
When it comes to the endgame they really remove all the filters these abusers, and we get to feel that harsh chill wind that swirls inside them all the time.
Make as many moves to protect you and your child now as you possibly can. He won’t care whether he destroys things so you can’t have them
x
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I would only advise you get accounts frozen after getting all the financial information you can at your finger tips.
It is so shocking and upsetting to discover this is what he’s about after all.
That he had his gloves off all along, with his plans to ruin you. It’s so upsetting to see it for real. Im so sorry that this is happening to you,but you will get your focus back, and even more so now you have seen him revealed in his depths of depravity.
Please make your plans, and get all the support you can in place.
Anything that makes you feel strong, and taking back control of your life (and the business) will do that.
Ensure you copy all your business contacts and keep this business going.
With his threat to ruin it, you have every reason to kick him out!
You are inna better position now you know who he really is,and how low he will go. Forewarned and forearmed.
Do keep posting, you are not alone!
Warmest wishes
TS -
I never get used to it either lovely, I’ve lost everything and he doesn’t give a sh@t he’s happy love bombing his next victim, everyone says it takes time, you are strong but it is so b****y hard realizing you were married to a n********t
vile bully who only thinks of himself, we’ll get there sweetheart x*x -
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