The good and the bad

[backtome]

So, even though he’s not under my roof any more I still don’t feel free from him. I spoke to a DA counsellor recently and she said I am still managing his behaviour by trying to keep the peace etc. She said he sounds like a big child with the way he sulks etc.

I am finally getting some help, me and my daughter have been referred to a DA course which starts soon. I’m also being referred to some talking therapy. I really hope it helps me to stand up to him. Even though he doesn’t live with me any more I still let him stay over at least once a week and he still controls everything I do. I have to tell him where I am and who with etc. He uses Whatsapp video calls to keep track on me as he knows if I don’t answer I’m out and if I do he can see clearly where I am whether that’s at home or at my mum’s etc. He uses the excuse of speaking to our daughter to video call me.

I really want to become stronger and not let him stay over and not let him have control over our lives but it’s so hard since we have our daughter. She is always asking me why I sent Daddy away and says that Daddy loves Mummy but Mummy doesn’t love Daddy so she’s clear on who’s “fault” it is that Mummy and Daddy don’t live together any more.

I know I need to go no contact to make this work properly, as he currently still acts as though we’re in a relationship, but I feel like I’m not strong enough to do that. Plus it’d mean my family having to be more involved with him as they’d have to do drops offs etc. for me and they already do some much for me in terms of childcare.

So anyway, the good is that I’m finally getting some help, the bad is that I still can’t stand up to him and say no. x

[freedomtochoose]

sounds like if you can it might be a good idea to get a second phone. I have always had two. One for me and one for contact. That way you can switch the first one off when you wish and not give him the number.
Also you are not obliged to do video calls. I never do. And I’m not sure how you do it technically, but
make sure your GPS on your phone is not activated. Then he will NOT know where you are, whether you are
in or not, which he has no right to anyway.
all best
ftc.
x

[backtome]

That’s such a good idea to get another phone thanks – it’d be a bit annoying having to change my number with everyone though. Or do you just block them on your main number and tell them to use the other one?

I have just sent him a long email as to why I don’t want him to stay over at my house any more and how I think it’s affecting our daughter. It will definitely go in one ear and out the other and he’ll try to ignore it but I’ll just have to try and stick to my guns.

x

[Tiffany]

I would highly recommend changing your number and going through the hassle of telling everyone. That way he doesn’t have your second number, doesn’t even have to know you have a second number, and there is no risk of him changing his number so he can keep contacting you on your main phone/calling from other people’s phones/phone boxes etc.

[Chickadee]

Take a small step for you that makes a big, strong statement. Separate your phone. Ponder a say he can contact your daughter without it involving talking to or tracking you. A second line. A separate phone. Texting to request to speak with her, so you know, and can pick it up and let her have it to talk to him. Set boundaries, so he is not controling you, and you have privacy. It will also stop enabling him to conjecture the relationship. Getting this accomplished should empower you.

He’s out from under your roof, your thinking of no contact. Why is he sleeping over? Get the small step done, set up the phone thing. And after that, the next time he wants to stay over stand up to him and say, no!

[backtome]

Chickadee – since this post I have made some progress in that I have said no to him staying over and he sulked and threw his toys out of the pram but the difference now is I DON’T CARE! He can sulk and try to guilt trip and intimidate me all he wants but I literally could not care less – he is his own worst enemy.

WRT to contact with my little girl a second phone may well be a good idea. I can set times for him to speak to her, the only thing is – she often loses interest (or doesn’t have any to begin with) as she is busy playing or watching TV and then I am brought into the conversation because our daughter isn’t interested in speaking to him. Not sure how this would work with just answering and giving her the phone as she’d probably just place the phone on the floor and carry on about her day lol.

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