The good days clouding my brain

[Wildstar]

Hi I posted a few days ago about my husband who has bipolar and his his behaviour towards me over the years.

I confronted him (took all my nerve and strength) and told him outright that our marriage was an abusive one on his part. He didn’t seem shocked. Just quite. Apparently very hurt by things I’ve said… fast forward (detail removed by Moderator) days of me crying and not a word exchanged and he’s being so nice. Not creepy nice, just nice. Now I’m all in a muddle. I felt so strong and clear a few days ago and now it’s like, oh, I’ve got it off my chest now and it never happened. The elephant in the room.

It’s almost like I want him to do something so I can walk with the children.

Awaiting phone appointment from domestic abuse worker and police to do a safety care plan.

I feel sick, like I’m wasting their time. Even though over the years I’ve been spat at, strangled twice- one of those time I nearly passed out and my son was there.

What is wrong with me?!

When my husband is acting nice, I soften and I feel stupid for getting in a state over his moods.

Please help me. Life is too short for this c**p and I just need someone to tell me what to do.

I know if we didn’t have children together it would make my choice easier. I’d go and not look back, but this man has to be in my life and it makes it so hard. (Feelings aside.)

[nbumblebee]

There is nothing wrong with you at all nothing.
I do the same.
I wait I watch I almost want mine to start on me during good days just so i can justify being here.
They make you feel like you are going crazy but you are not.
Nobody can tell you what to do. Ive been married decades and have been here on this site almost 2 years and I still cant accept I still cant leave as much as people on here tell me to.
Its your life and others can hold out a hand and guide you help you but only you can decide whats right for you.
Sounds to me as if you are doing all you can sweetie just keep reaching out for help and support keep learnjng about his begmhaviour keep reading keep talking and I really believe one day when you are ready when all of your ducks are in a row you will find that strength. For now concentrate on staying safe looking after yourself and believe and have faith in yourself. Xxxxx

[Wildstar]

Thank you. That made me cry… I hope you are ok too x

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sorry didnt mean to make you cry.
So.e days as sad as it is it helps to know you arent alone.
Take care xxxx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Wildstar,

You are not wasting anyone’s time.
Your husband is using tactics to keep controlling you.
He does not want you to leave, so he is being nice to you after you called him out on the abuse.
He is not being genuine, he is being sly.
It’s good you have reached out to domestic abuse team and police.
Tell them as much as you are able.
Your husband will keep trying to control you and lure you back to him if you leave.
It is really difficult leaving an abusive relationship but it is 100% worth it for you and your child.

Keep posting on here and read books on domestic abuse.
Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and Pat Craven living with the dominator are really good.

I read them after leaving my abusive relationship, we had kids and had been together for more than (detail removed by Moderator) decades.
I did not understand the concept of what had been happening to me until I read those books.
They help you get in the abusers mind.
What it lead to me understanding is that they abuse because they choose to.
Not because of their mental health issues. Not because of drugs or alcohol.
Not because they had a bad childhood.
There are other people out there struggling with those issues, but they do not abuse.
They also will never change their behaviour. They don’t believe they have to.
They believe they are right in what they are doing.
They change their tactics, pretend to be nice, say lovely things, buy presents and thoughtful things.
But it is just a game to them.
They don’t mean anything nice by these gestures.
I’ve been out for quite a few months now, I have seen all his different tactics, behaviours, he is a jekyll and Hyde, kind and thoughtful one second then aggressive and horrible the next.
This produces a chemical reaction in your brain, if you Google trauma bonding, you will understand your feelings and actions.
Xx

[Wildstar]

I’ll google that now. Thank you.
Over the past couple of days I’ve had a complete breakdown and now I’m very unwell physically and mentally.
Thank you again for your support and kind words x

[Footballfan1]

They will do that to you, its horrific.
Try to take care of yourself, I know it’s easier said than done though. X*x

[Wildstar]

I’m so trying.what I’m finding hard is to be peppy and a good mum. It’s killing me. I need a break- as I’m sure we all do!
I’m also finding myself warming to other men lately. Just anyone who shows kindness. I’ve never cheated on a relationship but I have urges to go and do it now. What is happening to me. Please say I’m not alone on that one x

[Footballfan1]

That happens too, what you are describing.
There’s a chapter in the Lundy Bancroft book about it.
You crave attention and kindness that you aren’t getting from your husband.
It’s completely normal and doesn’t make you a bad person.

It’s also hard to put on an act for the kids, they will still sense There’s something up no matter how hard you pretend.
Children are more perceptive and in tune to their environment than we give them credit for.
Xx

[Wildstar]

I’m going to call my go Monday and see if they can tweak my medication. I’m on (detail removed by Moderator) (only since I’ve been with my husband have I suffered anxiety) but I can feel myself slipping into that dark hole and I’m frightened.

Yes I can imagine so many seek attention from another. It’s whether I act on it or not and to be honest i have no idea what I’m doing in my life right now.
It could be the shake up I need or it could break me.

[Footballfan1]

It’s a good idea to speak to your doctor, do what you can to take care of yourself, if it means reviewing your medication, do it xx

[Bambe]

I really hope these comments have helped you. And I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through… you must be so much stronger than you realise to be still trying to figure things out.

Listen to your feelings. I really wish I could help you, it is so confusing when it’s so up and down and especially when there’s kids involved. Sounds like you have put up with an awful lot- more than anyone should have to in a life time. You are worthy of happiness and you deserve to live your best life. With your children. And it is possible. And I pray that comes for you very soon x x x

[Bambe]

I’ve also listened to a lot of Lundy bancrofts podcast on Spotify & oprah winfrey on YouTube… I find her motivational speech make me feel stronger and realise I am capable and have a voice. Xxxx

[Alicenotichains]

Wildstar, sending you a massive virtual hug….he is playing with your emotions and your mind by pretending to be really nice. You must be exhausted. It’s exhausting. These mind games fry our brains and we are left feeling totally confused, unable to see what is right in front of us. We are unable to see the danger that we are in. If he has previously strangled you, that would class him as extremely high risk. If you leave him, you must do that in the safest way possible. You don’t owe him any explanation- he will know why. Reach out for help and try and leave safely. It might need to be done secretly, when you are ready. The further away from him you get, the clearer his abuse will become. You have done well to survive so much. I experienced many years of abuse, I didn’t even know that it was happening. It just became normal. Leaving was the best thing I ever did and the hardest. Now I am happy and free. It’s hard but we are all here for you. You must make sure you leave in the safest way possible and Women’s Aid can help you with that- when the right time comes for you. xx

[Wildstar]

Thank you for all of your replies. Im still in two minds as to whether his behaviours abusive or if he is an abusive person. Which I can see is annoying to an onlooker, to you poor ladies that have been where I am.
It’s hard for me to comprehend how he has acted in the past. He knows I’m broken and he is being extremely caring right now which is muddling my brain more.
Can they change? If it comes from them

[nbumblebee]

Oh @wildstar I have this chat with nyself every day. He cant be abusive because he can be so nice it has to be me im just crazy.
It drives me mad this question.
But we are on a site for domestic abuse we are crying out for help from women who have been abused by someone who shouldve loved them, doesnt that tell you something? You do not need a label you dont need to give it a nane. Your husband hurts controls uses you and that is not right, you are not hapoy you are scared and again whatever its called its not right, you deserve help love compassion.
When they see that we know what they are doing they will turn into mr nice guy to pull you back in, they need us more than we will ever need them and they will do all they can to keep us here and it works im still here and i know so many others are so it works. No, no they wont change ive been trying for months and months to get my husband to see how nasty he is but he will never see never say sorry and never ever change.
Go see the DR please keep pushing for help from your DA worker you are on the right oath and have done amazing keep moving foward taking thise steps away not back.
Let us know how you get on.
Thinking of you x

[Goldengirl]

Hi, Wildstar. I echo the sentiments on here. These abusers don’t and won’t change. I waited for many, many years in the hope he would change but it just got worse and more frequent. This is the cycle of abuse common to so many of us. They push us to breaking point and then are nice and caring, to help you heal just enough so they can start all over again. After all, who wants to play with a broken toy? You become brain washed (look up gas lighting) into thinking if only. . . If only I did this, if only that. However, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, they don’t want a typical life, they want chaos and control over you. I had got to the point where, when asked by the authorities if he’d ever hit me, I replied that I didn’t know because he never used a closed fist. That was his brain washing me to believe that using the heel of his hand to hit me was not hitting me. Does this way of thinking ring a bell? Justifying his behaviour?
I only got out after discovering he had secretly started on my child. Please, don’t assume he will never do it. Don’t let that be one of your regrets. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to feel cherished EVERY day. Good luck x

[WildAngels]

It really is difficult isn’t it?
On the “good days”, you sort of fall back in love, I think
You see the person you love
You laugh and joke, and you are happy

But here’s the thing

Every time you do that, what you’re actually saying is “yes” it’s OK that you’ve treated me badly.
It’s OK that you’re abusing me
You are saying this to him. More importantly you are saying this to yourself

And your boundaries are being eroded, every time

So that eventually you are totally subjugated to his will

Good to all all who are in this position (including myself, it would appear!)

[Stuckinturmoil]

@wildstar I am in the same position. I don’t really have days of him being nice to me but just days where he would act like a normal man on a normal day, so never arguing not having mood swings when I look back these days of days, we don’t have much interaction with each other, without doubt if we do anything at the weekend that means leaving the house I am normally shouted at and bullied and humiliated. It’s a constant mind game. We have been together for decades and have children and I’m so close to filing for divorce. he won’t discuss it, or admit he is in the wrong and never apologises or says he will try harder. Like you now I don’t want him to give me any reasons to stay because deep down I know it’ll just delay the inevitable. I need to get out but it’s like this invisible force or this invisible web is pinning me down and I can’t get out.

[JustKeepRunning]

Hi @wildstar, just to add that it’s brilliant you are reaching out on here, and I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I completely understand your feelings – it makes us feel like we are going mad. I remember googling “how much abuse is too much abuse?” I mean – come on! I will say that I reached out to Women’s Aid who gave me excellent advice that I ignored – I still thought that what I was experiencing wasn’t the same thing, wasn’t THAT bad, that none of it really applied to me. I so, so wish I had taken their advice. Do keep a bag with essentials in case you need to run (I ended up with no shoes, no phone, no money, nothing). Do think carefully and have at least two people you could run to (literally run to) if you have to. I’m sorry if this sounds scary – it sounded ridiculous to me. And then I needed to do it – and I was so very grateful that at least I had thought of a place I could go. God knows what would have happened if I didn’t. The Hollie Guard app is also really good – do check it out. Keep safe, and sending you lots of strength xxxxxxx

[Wildstar]

Thank you x

[nbumblebee]

Been thinking of you did you call your GP sweetie?
How are you today?

[Everhopeful321]

I really struggle with this, when things are awful, I have this overwhelming panic that I need to get away, I should have gone already but there’s always a reason I dont..and then things are ok and I tell myself it can be ok, it’s only because of x y z that the situation arose. But I’m so cross at myself because it’s exactly what you are all saying! And looking back, yes the good days are only good because nothing bad happened, I even think to myself ‘i haven’t got anything wrong yet today’. I don’t know how to change my mindset, I can see it but it’s like I can’t believe it or accept it, something stops me.

[Wildstar]

I’ve rung over 4 days and can’t get an appointment. B****y doctors where I am is ridiculous!
Thank you for thinking of me. Means a lot.
Husband is still being nice but I can see it’s taking its toll on him (I’m almost amused by this.)
Just goes to show doesn’t it

[nbumblebee]

Certainly does sweetie.
Keep trying Drs dont give up, feels like all we do is fight doesnt it? But what else is there? We cant ever give up.
Take care of you xxxxx

[Author]

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