The guilt

[Onlyintime]

Its not as easy as black and white. He emotionally abuses me..when go goes off on one. He is irrational with what he expects..I am to he a mind reader. Yesterday we had a spat..he decided he wanted to leave which is great I want that. He didnt. Instead I felt bad. I felt bad that i didnt beg him to stay. I felt bad that he would be homeless and he woukdbt see the kids every day. He somehow asks me to say the “its done” but i dont. I sweep it under carpet AGAIN when all i want is to be free. I’m afraid of the “moving him out” I’m afraid of being on my own and the aftermath from his fam. I cant keep doing this. Yesterday i hated myself after i stopped him from going but it’s what i want. Where do i get the strength to call it. Then I feel sorry for him because he genuinely looks hurt and confused.. w*f is wrong with me. I’m weak. A psychic said I would be with him forever.. really ? When it’s bad it’s really bad but when it’s ok (on his terms) it’s ok.so confused and weak

[Onlyintime]

So here I sit with a nerve In my chest. The usual for the last few weeks. So down. Thinking of all the good times but contradicting them with a bad memory from the good times. Like going on holiday and remembering a night on holiday where he kicked off. This is the most confusing time. Maybe I should just stay and put up with it.but I dont want to. I want to be free and be able to laugh and sleep soundly.

[Kitkat44]

Hi
I’m feeling this too. So exhausted, my husband clashes with one of our sons mostly, it affects us all though so I guess he’s emotionally abusing all of us. He threatened to leave (detail removed by moderator) and the children were in bits, he came back and came up with a plan that involves our son being more mature and I am just stunned by it.
Can’t sleep and have had a headache (detail removed by moderator) and I and off palpitations. But I can’t find the courage to tell him, I loose respect and love for hi each time this happens I’m almost empty x

[KIP.]

You need to build a support network round you. Start with your local women’s aid. You can’t do this on your own. Involving him in and decision to end the relationship is not a good idea. Start making a safe exit plan for you and the children. I know this sounds drastic but it’s how you get away without the mind games and manipulation. You cannot negotiate with an abuser. They are Pathalogical liars and will cause so much pain for you and any children are collateral damage. They use their own children and don’t care about the long term emotional damage. Start building the network. This forum, women’s aid, exit plan, friends and family that will support you and who understand. Cut him out your thoughts and make your exit plan. Draw a line to where you want to be and do not deviate. The long term mental damage to you and your children is dreadful. The longer you’re exposed, the. Ore damage is done. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That.

[KIP.]

Guilt is an abusers main tool. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Don’t let him use it against you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Onlyintime]

When you say exit plan, I was him to leave. I want him to just go..I dont care if i look the bad one or anything as such. When he cries and says he just wants what’s best for me it hurts so much cause I know I’m causing him pain. Although I dont forget the turmoil stress and anxiety he puts me through almost weekly. The goal posta keep moving. I have spoken at large with a lady from WA and she was great. It’s just being strong and having the conversation. He said he feels like he is keeping me in something I dont want. Yes he exactly is..but I chickened out and pacified him.

[Iwantmeback]

He doesn’t want what’s best fir you. If he did he’d leave. It’s all about him. My oh goes on about being happy, making me happy. Refuses to see how happy I am now I no longer live with him. Ìm also seeing less and less of him, more now due to this virus. Doesn’t stop phonecalls but I have to do what I have to do for now. My oh gaslighted me so much I did memory tests.
The times he said I was crazy, when all along it was his crazy making behaviour that was the problem. Watch learn and don’t engage. Look into the gray rock method.
Stay strong IWMB 💞💞

[Headspinning]

I can totally relate to this.
It’s ok for them to be overly dramatic, tell us it’s over etc but as soon as want to then fix it we feel sone sort of obligation to accommodate them. We feel guilty, obligated, scared of the unknown.
If they just kicked off, finished it and meant it, that would be easy! But they don’t really want to end it do they. Saying they do is just another way of punishing us. Mine has even gone as far as telling my family we are getting divorced and moved out. You would think that would be it – but no, he now thinks we should fix it and I should just go along with it. So I set some rules and boundaries – surprise surprise it kicks off again. Just when I think stuff this I’m quite happy to finish it – he changes his mind again and of course I should be happy to try again. Even the potential for finishing it has to be dramatic and drawn out!!!
Even though he created the dramas, announced to the world we were separated (changed his Facebook status, contacted my family, moved out) now he wants to fix it in the one feeling guilty!!

[Onlyintime]

I totally get this. I’m gonna catch him next time he says it. Next time he says it am standing by my word. Sick of these games. But then when he finishes it it’s a question of whether I care or not. I say I dont then the guilt kicks in and I end up repairing it when I dont want to!

[KIP.]

You need to make the exit plan with out him. His exit plan. Does he have any rights to be in the home. Is it in your name. Could you physically move him out. Move His belongings to a friend or family member. Could you tell yourself it’s a trial separation. This is what I did. I told him we could work on our relationship but we needed time apart. Sell it to him. Promise him what he wants to get him out then you can change the locks and break free from the mental trauma bond. I remember being determined to get him out then he just played the mind games and I gave in and felt totally deflated while he was all smiles. Try to think of him as someone you detest. I put his brothers face on his body as his brother was a horrible nasty individual. Turns out they were both as bad but I just couldn’t see it. Think with your head not your heart at least until you’re safe. It’s that fear that keeps us backing down because we know the hell to come when they don’t get their own way so stay safe x could you involve the police and ask them to remove him?

[Onlyintime]

Kip, the house is mine the Bill’s are paid for by me. Everything is in my name as I paid for everything when I was in full time employment and when I wasnt working. I am planning this as best I can. Once the conversation happens and he leaves…what is the best way to get his stuff out without being at risk of the begging etc. Its the guilt I cant take. I need to be strong.

[KIP.]

Absolutely zero contact is how to go forward. Getting him out is going to be the hardest part and the most dangerous. If he does leave then get one of his friends or family memberS to either collect his belongings or you dump his belongings with one of them. If it was me I’d change the locks. Message him that you’ve done it and his belongings are at his friends. You need to be strong and tell him not to contact you again. You can also speak to the police for advice. And women’s aid.

[KIP.]

Use your head, nit your heart at this time or he will win. Plenty time to grieve and deal with the guilt when your free and safe. He is not your responsibility and is using guilt to manipulate you. Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG of abuse x

[Onlyintime]

I know..once he is in process of getting his stuff..I presume the day I end it. I need to be very very strong. This is when the guilt kicks in and the tears and begging. I think deep down he knows that this is not a normal relationship. I worry that he will kill himself so much..maybe a little big headed of me but I do

[Headspinning]

Regardless of how much you want to finish it, it’s still an emotional nightmare to go through. My mood and emotions change daily.
When you are in the eye of the storm and the big dramatic bust up finally happens it comes as a shock. Mine wound me up so much over the course of the few days following what was actually a really petty but I think deliberate argument, gaslighted me on what the argument was even about, blatantly reinventing the truth, to the point I totally blew up in front of a family member demanding a divorce and that he wouldn’t be in the house any more.

I was furious and this time I wasn’t brushing things under the carpet. It continued to escalate to the point he moved in with relatives during the following week (because he was so shocked and hurt at the way I had ranted – never mind the 100’s of times he has ranted at me or all the provocation). He then tried to fix it and I set boundaries – we could spend time together but he couldn’t move back in until we decide on a way forward. He didn’t like that rule so another strop – he contacted my family to tell them we were getting divorced and changed his Facebook status to separated (who seriously does that after a few days?!)

I used the opportunity to suggest he may want to collect some clothes etc and told him when I would be out.

The day he came to collect his stuff I know he was in the house for hours but don’t know why. He sent me selfies showing me how upset he was.

I got home next day to see he had taken all his clothes and left me an emotional letter. It was horrible – the finality of it was very upsetting because it wasn’t all bad and I entered into the relationship with positive hope.

Just when I start to come to terms with it the texts trying to fix it started. I did attempt a reconciliation but it melted into another argument within a few hours.

Every time I start to pick myself back up and feel in control he gets back in contact being all nice – and the guilt and doubt all kicks off.

I’m feeling really low this week as some information has come to light and based on some stuff I now know I have to accept I have been the victim of emotional abuse, it’s not a volatile dysfunctional relationship – it’s abuse. It’s horrible to think the person you have been lying with, sharing all aspects of your life with has been manipulative and abusive.

It’s like a bereavement as you are accepting that the person you thought he was, turns out he wasn’t.

No matter how much you know logically you need out – the actual process is awful.

I feel guilty for thinking it. I feel guilty for bad mouthing him to my friends, I feel bad at plotting behind his back.

The reality is I don’t think for a minute he wanted to leave me and all the home comforts. I’m pretty sure it was a punishment to show me what could happen if I didn’t toe the line (little does he know it’s panned out better than I could have hoped with him clearing out his belongings)

But I know he will be attempting to hoover me back up soon. And I am exhausted. I wake in the early hours every day with me brain holding pretend conversations with him.

[confusedallofthetime]

This is what I am going through/just about to go through. It’s sickening reading it

[Onlyintime]

Head spinning.. I was reading what u just said and when u said about the selfies showing how upset he is..my stomach flipped. Mine did this last time. Videos of him crying. It just shows how they will do anything to get us back..to treat us like c**p. You stay strong.dont look back. Every good memory I have..I can pretty much tell you an incident that happened that same memory. The guilt and emotions are hard very hard but you are one step further than me my girl and well done. Message me if you want a chat. Its uncanny how similar these guys are..same tactics. Mine sent flowers videos voicemails text messaged to the point I couldn’t breath and I buckled and took him back. Its crippling.

[Onlyintime]

Having just written that…I have just realised I was being love bombed. WOW.

[KIP.]

Yes, that’s how the cycle goes. I had decades of love bombing after horrific abuse and all I could think of was how nice he was now being. Mind blowing dysfunctional behaviour. It’s a roundabout of abuse and you need to get off.

[Onlyintime]

So is love bombing ..after they have done wrong and u throw them out or is it when they are back and trying to make it up to u. Or both? Is it abuse..lovebomb.. calmness..abuse..lovebomb calm..abuse?

[Headspinning]

Thanks only time, I wish I was as strong as I want to be. I’m still in the midst of it – today is clearly the day to reel me back in. Dozen missed calls since lunchtime. Texts trying to get me to meet up later. Offering to come and collect me, take me away for the weekend (I now feel like a sitting duck)

I’ve said no thanks and restated i need time apart. I’ve been pleasant and polite, but I have been clear. I’ll no doubt get Mr Angry soon…..

Yes – I totally can relate to the double memories. For every special day last year, I can pin point a big drama which marred it. My birthday, his birthday, Christmas Day, a charity sport event I was completing, a significant new purchase I made that he drove me to collect, a mini break with my parents, family holiday, visit from my friends. Each had a big and upsetting drama which could have ruined it, then he would ensure we smoothed it over before anyone else arrived. Why?

I pass places and it triggers a memory…that’s the hotel he told me it was over at last year/ that’s the room where he shoved me into the radiator / that’s the chair he kicked apart when I was sitting on it because he was annoyed I was going out / that’s the dent in the floor where he threw a plastic box because he was angry….. and he then at other times my mind goes blank and I worry I am going to forget the incidents and end up back there again.

They minimise it so much it makes us feel we are over reacting, he’s just hot headed, I shout back too, maybe I am just as bad. I get flashbacks of ranting and screaming I have been so upset. It takes me days to get back in an even keel – he can just flick a switch. Scary

[Onlyintime]

Yes you are absolutely right. I tried to talk to him about abuse last year..now every argument I get a condescending remark about how it must be his controlling behaviour. He also likes to ridicule my anti depressants. Every memory is married to a bad one. This is what I need to remeber when I ask him to go. Look past the tears and sorrys. Look past it and to the future where me and my kids can be genuinely happy. Where someone’s mood doesnt dictate the day.

[Headspinning]

My kids have been so much happier and relaxed in the last few weeks since he has been out of the house. I feel guilty for all the times I have given them a look to silence them or a pleading look to just go along with whatever was going on. The times I have bitten my tongue to stop things escalating.

I have great kids and he was making me feel they were real problems. I think in some ways he was jealous of our bond. He wanted to take over, be the boss. We had real friction because he was taking over dictating the housework chores. What started as allocating a few chores escalated to multiple post it notes on a daily basis with all their instructions. And before too long he was doing nothing himself.

Whenever I tried to seize back control it would be a huge scene. They really don’t like him now and are happy he is out the house. I’m lucky we still have a really strong relationship. They saw me sticking up for them. I just feel guilty that by trying to create a happy family environment I brought him into their lives.

I think his intents in some ways were well intended and when they were younger I remember he was good with them. I struggle because he isn’t always all bad. He seemed to lose his way and become very controlling – his way or the highway.

It’s not as simple as all abusers are 100% evil and all non abusers are perfect. It’s hard when abusers can be the fun, kind, good guys – it’s confusing and it plays with your head. If they can be that person why not be that person? At what point did the balance shift. Were they always play acting? I think that they start off with an unrealistic expectation for life and no one can live up to it. You become less than perfect, you let them down and gradually the balance shifts.

[Onlyintime]

My word it is uncanny how similar our experience is. I too although I hate myself for it, give my kids little head shakes not to take something further..plead with them not to kick off or fight for the repercussions for them will be horrible. Not physically but getting shouted at. They are little kids right now and I do see how having g him in the house affects them. When he is working away there is no stress we get on just great. It’s hard when they are so nice and kind and caring one minute and by a drop of a hat turn into a devil. Even the devil himself would not speak to me the way he has. And yet..I stay. I stay for the guilt that he would lose everything for as bad as he is..he would not leave the kids without. The guilt that he would be home at his mothers in his old bedroom. The guilt that he would be heartbroken. I have thought about putting up with this for the rest of my life to appease his feelings. That’s not normal! He tells me that I know he is bad tempered Nd he doesnt mean it. My head is absolutley crushed just now. Trying to work out if I could actually survive without him. For as bad as he is..he is my rock. We have nothing to talk about generally no common interests..we dont laugh together just sit in silence with his head I his phone and me trying to keep the house tidy. Surely he can see that this is not a happy life but he wont let me be free. Sorry just ranting here.

[Headspinning]

Oh yes – the side looks we give to the kids willing then to toe the line! I was reflecting on that today. The subtle shakes of my head to say please just go with it.

The times I have cleared away something untidy they have done to cover for them.

It became him against us with us all trying to ensure we didn’t trigger him.

I make him sound like a monster. He’s not (always). He can watch a movie, we can go out for lunch, we can have a laugh. But then something minor can be made into something major and that’s it, peace for the day is gone.

It’s my kids – they aren’t his. He has been out the house (detail removed by moderator) and the atmosphere is dramatically improved. They don’t miss him. They don’t want him here.

He claims he was never given a say in anything to do with the kids but that’s no true – it felt like he wanted to take over!

I think he tried to create a wedge between myself and my daughter as he was jealous of the time we spent together – petty and mad. He tried to make me feel she had behaviour issues and it was totally unfair. She is like a different girl now he is away. How could I let him come back?

But for all that – it doesn’t make it any less the hardest thing I have ever had to do

[Onlyintime]

This wnkr has worked me again. Another row and I apologised 10 times even though I wasnt in the wrong. Then I come here realise I was duped again. Back to the calm stage and my plotting to get him out. This is a circle of hell. Absolute hell. He will come in from work for his dinner and I shall pretend everything if fine and we are fine. I hate myself

[Kitkat44]

Hi there, so sorry to hear how upset you are with yourself. It’s not you.
We are in calm stage it’s (detail removed by moderator) since last blow up and just carrying on as normal, and questioning in my mind if it’s really that bad. Now when I try to remember the incident (detail removed by moderator) it’s not as terrifying-is that how we cope? I don’t know.
Do whatever you can to feel safe and one day at a time.
Xx

[Headspinning]

We just minimise it all the time don’t we.
See my other post from this morning – anger and retaliation.
Even after what happened I felt so horrified at being part of something so ugly I wanted to apologise for any part I played in it.
They play their sick games with their sick logic, they luck is into it until we find ourselves acting totally out of character then we are left feeling hollow and guilty. Whilst they strut around in their pathetically inflated egos and ridiculous sense of entitlement like we somehow owe them something.
Ok …. maybe I am feeling a tad bitter and angry today….

[Kitkat44]

Hi Headspinning
I quite agree, i know how he explodes us totally unacceptable but when he’s fine it’s fine, well I’m covering up how sad and unhappy I am, but he’s been great with the children and a lovely dad. I have days I’m worried about when the next explosion might occur but he didn’t really reply, went back to his computer.
Had a rant on the phone about thoughtless idiots clearing shelves in the shops but accepted when I said it was aggressive and OTT.
You take care and be kind to yourself today xx

[Headspinning]

Thanks KitKat44
I’m feeling better today than I did yesterday and I hope to feel another bit better again tomorrow.
Yesterday was horrible but if that’s the worst of it and I can hold my head up high then I just need to do that now,
It’s him who should be feeling ashamed, not me.

[Onlyintime]

I’m just about to read your post but just wanted to tell you..last night he convinced me that I’m actually f^n insane. The way I see him is exactly how I saw my ex..and I’m punishing him for actions of my ex. Now I’m sat here wondering if it is me…am I seeing things as worse than what they are. My head is crushed.

[KIP.]

Delusional nonsense.

[Onlyintime]

Delusional nonsense indeed but I was genuinely left feeling like my head had been blown. The lockdown is going to be very testing for all of us wonderful ladies trapped in this daily hell. Thinking of us all

[Author]

Posts