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    • #64256
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I changed therapist!
      The first one was kind and gentle.
      The second one is able to call a cat a cat and said what a*hole my ex is.(she used that exact word!) I need someone who doesn’t sugarcoat her words, someone that has a helicopter view of my situation, is not afraid to express her opinions and can explain to me what’s happening to my brain and body and this new therapist is a walking encyclopedia, she knows everything.

      I felt for a moment guilty and didn’t want to offend the first one but my needs come first and I am proud of having voiced my own wishes!

      Even though I am happy with this new one I still feel on a tight leash having to come in every week, it feels like a chore or a meeting that I have to attend. I told her I wish to stop therapy and she advised it would be sensible for me to continue and slowly reduce the sessions, coming in every other week and so on, instead of stoping abruptly only to break down a month later and have to start all over again.
      So there. I found a great therapist and can come in every other week, the important thing is my well-being.
      So proud hihi. Taking care of myself.

    • #64258
      KIP.
      Participant

      That’s fantastic. Please don’t stop therapy. It’s really important especially now you have found one that you like and trust. Recovery is a roller coaster. You might feel great one month but the next you can be floored. At these times it’s really important to have the door open to the therapist. Therapy can last a lifetime. But it keeps us moving in a positive direction. Stops us slipping backwards x

    • #64703
      Gemma
      Participant

      Hi, I am so glad to find this thread. After waiting 4 months to see a counselor I was so happy when the appt came through.

      I needed help moving forward. A (detail removed by moderator) in a very controlling, coercive relationship. Together 24/7, not allowed to work, because he didn’t. Not allowed money, he controlled finances. He made all decisions. Worst part was not being allowed to visit my adult children, Father and sister’s. They had to come to me supervised by him. So for (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t see my father, eldest son as bad my sister.

      Finally getting away was like being let out of prison. Having to learn to manage money, make decisions, find s job (still looking) and find a home (still looking) has been very challenging. My anxiety levels have been high. Thank god my ex has left me alone.

      My problem is, at the end of my first session with counsellor, which was mainly spent talking about my life to date, why I find myself needing counselling. She was more concerned about my pressing charges. Going to the police. I felt like everything was being taken out of my hands. I do care about this happening to other women he meets. But so grateful he is leaving me alone. I can’t cope with that responsibility being put in me, as I am trying to sort myself, my life out. I wanted help moving forward. To try to make sense if it all. This lady is forcing me to look back, reconnect, albeit by association, with my ex. To have contact, even though it would be through police. And because it’s coercive, control, isolation. How is it proved. What if they go see him, tell him I have made a complaint. And end up not being able to do anything, then his focus will be back on me, when he had left me alone. I feel any sense of security I had of being free from the fear of him has been lost, just from that one session. I have another appt in s week’s time, not sure I want to go back. I am afraid now to speak openly to her. It’s upsetting, as I really wanted, needed counselling. Now it looks like I will have to cope on my own. Is this right?

    • #64707
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear hopelifejoy,
      That’s great news. You can leave any time you like, its important for you to know this, noonecan force you to keep going no matter what they say about having to do it slowly, you don’t have to, follow your own plan. Sometimes a few weeks of therapy is all you can manage, but then after a break you may feel the need for more.

      It’s about your pace, and no matter what they know they don’t know more than yu aout you, even if it feels that way sometimes!

      Always do what works for you!

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #64709
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Gemma,

      I had this kind of pressure piled on me by a support worker at victim support, over my children…saying things like you have to take him to court, you have to protect the children and so on..it nearly brke me.

      It was an initial call and I was with two friends who could hear what was going on and see it breaking me, in the end they were telling mbto just put the phone down. I did in the end.

      At a time when you need support to follow your own choices you should not be put under pressure to save every one else, when you only just managed to save yourself!

      Get another one, this person is for you and what you need. It’s only support, if it feels like it is. It’s only help if it’s helpful!

      It’s worth having the support that is actually supportive of you, and worth waiting for.,please keep posting here to get support too.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #64739
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Thank you dearly KIP and Twisted Sister for your support.

      Gemma, I had a similar experience with the first one.
      Talking about legal steps when I just wanted to move the hell on! If I wanted legal help I’ll go to a lawyer’s office!
      I told her that no way am I going that direction, where on earth do they get ideas like that!? She is supposed to be a doctor! Not a legal expert. Then she changed focus and asked me what I can do to make myself feel better?! I have hardly any batteries left and I have to come up with some plan?!
      I knew then and there that it’s just not going to work out.

      The second one is explaining to me what is happening to me on a physical level which makes much more sense. When going to her sessions it’s like going to an anatomy class. It’s quite interesting and uplifting. Plus she scored a huge point when she described with one not so elegant word what my ex is: an a*hole. I had to laugh. It felt good.

      I think it really needs to be as simple as the flight safety instructions we get from stewardesses; in case of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first, then help others.
      If a therapist doesn’t get that then it’s not the right one!
      Also it has to click. You have to want to go there. Otherwise change.

      Like you said Twisted Sister, a few weeks of therapy can be taxing and taking a break is ok. Or reducing sessions like I do now.

      I will keep the doors open like you said
      KIP, in case of a fall back.

      Good luck Gemma, let us know how you getting on. Big hug.

    • #64742
      maddog
      Participant

      It really is important to find someone you can work with especially when you are paying through the nose for their time. I have had some fantastic help through the NHS. The private sector has been really hit and miss in my experience, not least because much of the therapy has been about relationships and with my ex. Some of the counsellors have been truly awful. B****y terrible. My ex used to see therapists in I think the same way that he used prostitutes. He would eventually give up on them saying that they were no good.

      I am sorry. I’m ranting. It is great to hear that you’ve found someone who is helping you. It’s reassuring to realise that there are good people out there! I hope it all goes well and you are on safe ground!

    • #64751
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      It’s really useful to share that maddog, and it doesn’t come across as a rant…it is so important for women who are often truly broken from their experiences to fall into the wrong hands at such a vulnerable point.

      It is only help if it’s actually helping and we come from a place of fearing to speak, fear of doing it wrong, trying to appease. You saying how awful some can be is a reality check for anyone reading that we each have our own fit of what will work for us, like you said hopelifejoy, you are are clear what you need, some won’t be and a few taster sessions will soon tell if it’s going to be right for you.

      I’m glad something’s helped.

      I hope you can find the right one Gemma, as even though supportive counseling can be hard to find there’s more than one, and a better one for you.

      Kinda shocking to go straight on the attack like this! There is safe and supportive out there and I hope you find it soon.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #64933
      Gemma
      Participant

      Hi Twisted, Hope and Maddog

      Thank you for your replies it’s really helped. I honestly thought it was just me. As I said, I absolutely care about other people and what might happen to them. But am only just coping myself and I don’t need the extra anxiety of feeling guilty for not pressing charges.

      I am due to see this counsellor again this week. And am really apprehensive. I don’t think she is right for me. But I am rubbish at being assertive. She intimidates me. In a wierd kind of way, obviously in a much weaker way, she makes me feel like my ex did. As in he wouldn’t listen to me. Would mentally brow beat me into saying yes, when I had said no. That was one of the hardest things for me. Feeling like my mind and will wasn’t my own.

      She is a counselor for heaven’s sake. Surely she must see her putting this kind of pressure on me from the get go, could have me running for the hills. There is such a shortage here of counsellors on the NHS. If I say I want to see someone else, what are the chances of me getting someone else. I will see what happens at this second session. Maybe after consulting with her colleagues as she said she was going to do, someone may have pointed out to her, that this approach in a first session with a patient may have been a mistake.
      Will let you know how I get on.

      Thank you again everyone, it helps a lot to talk about this with people who understand and have been through similar. X*x

    • #64934
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Gemma

      Good luck with this next session! I really hope it does work for you as it was a shocking starter session for therapy!

      Let us know how you get on and remember how it makes you feel when you leave. You are free to not have to explain therapy for traumatised clients should be uber gentle and supportive, a lot of work is needed on the part of the therapist to gain trust initially and create a super safe and boundaried environment. If a therapist cannot do this at the outset it might not bode well for you trying to work with them and you are likely to be retriggered and that will feel like being wih your ex again, something a therapist should know to avoid.

      You have to build the bridge before you can help somebody over it.

    • #64947
      Gemma
      Participant

      Hi Twisted sister, you are so right. And she also asked me why am I there. What do I want from the experience. Which kind of made me feel I had to justify being there. I’m there thinking, maybe I don’t need help, and this is a backwards way of her saying “why are you taking up my time.” Do I have to pass some test, and say the right thing. I know I am probably over analysing it. Living with someone who you have to walk on eggshells with – try and gauge their mood. Read between the lines, because often what they say, and mean, are not always the same thing, tends to do that to you. This is something I am struggling with at the moment with my family who I am staying with. I wanted help with that.

      I assumed when the Doctor referred me for counselling he would have given them a brief synopsis on the situation and why he was making the referral. So in theory you would think the counselor would have read that. Understood the Doctor saw the need and why. So why ask the patient to make a case for themselves. It just makes my head spin. Sorry for rambling on. X*x

    • #64956
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Gemma

      theres no test to pass, no justification to be made, you are not saying or doing anything wrong, and being asked such head on questions can completely floor me, make my brain go completely buzzy and fearful of doing/saying wrong.

      I think abuse leaves you with that fear that leads to thinking and thinking and thinking about what everything means, and not trusting.

      I think its fair of each therapist to give you the opportunity to say in your own words what the issues are for you, as described by you rather than being led by what the referring person says about it, which could be off the mark, but you could start by asking them whats been said so far, as a starting point? something to move forward from, as getting started can be the hardest bit.

      assume you will feel on the backfoot, in the wrong, and so on, and explain that to the therapist? that to be questionned is triggering for you? see what response comes. i think starting with the referral letter is a good opener because this is a third parties view that you can explain further or disagree with, or agree on whats going to be helpful for you going forward with therapy.

      A bit of understanding from her about how shell-shocked and unable to verbalise everything you are, would be the norm, i would think? traumatised lady, is going to be traumatised.

      if her approach is not working for you, then try someone else, you are not wrong or have to justify yourself, but thisis the therapists job to help you to open a little at a time, so try not to be too hard on yourself about how difficult and triggering that could be for you.

      awww, love, its your decision how to use your sessions or not, keep talking/posting, and take it slowly. we’re here to hear how its going for you.
      warmest wishes ts

    • #64959
      maddog
      Participant

      I had some strong words with a ‘relationship’ counsellor. I found it interesting how quickly she stopped listening and how her training kicked in. She made appalling excuses for my ex’s behaviour then when I challenged her, she offered me to go back to her. Just no. No effing way. She believed that she could help me if I paid ££££. She failed me big time.

      I’ve had psychotherapy under the NHS. The therapist was trained but in not a way that was helpful or meaningful to me. I’ve been through the mill. Therapists have no magic wands and it is very much horses for courses. There is no ethical condition that they should cause no harm. Often they are pretty screwed up themselves and often they have found a way that suits them and think it might help other people.

      I have found the counselling with Rape Crisis helpful.

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