The last chance ?

[Getmylifeback]

I was planning to leave, miseable, cold, spoken to womans aid and docs whi want to put me on safeguardung although i dont feel i need that certainly not now.

He cannot find out i have spkke to these, hes suspicious anyway and made me promise on kids life i hadnt spoken to anyone 😭

He has addiction problems and goes t total for a while then dtarts again.

This time he realises ,so he says, its the end of the road and he nedds to sort himself out.

We had arguments til early hours in the morning and was putting me on the spot saying he kbows ive binned him off and not giving him a chance to put things right.

Ive ended up agreeing that if he gets professional help i will do my best to start afresh.

I feel i owe him the chance and going to tell docs and AA this but i am ready for ut to come full circle.

He was a broken man today so only time can tell 🙄😢

[Anonymous]

My ex is an alcoholic. My view is that your man is just buying himself a bit more time and you’ll regret giving him another chance, but I truly hope I’m wrong.

[Fudgecake]

I hope it works out the way you wish it to but I’m thinking he’s not going to change. They seldom do.

[BeautyMarked]

My knowledge is limited and it seems you are in a tough position. Without knowing the exact details, it sounds as though you are being too good to this man who is making you feel guilty with his early morning pleas that put you on the spot as well as his desperate cries for you to sweat you haven’t spoken to anyone. That’s a dreadful thing to say. I don’t have experience of your situation though but I imagine from what I’ve read that things may not change and as with other ladies on the forum my concern just lies with you and your family so you can live the life that you deserve away from the emotional ransoming that this person is putting you through.

[KIP.]

Please take the advice of women’s aid and the doctor. You want to show them that you are putting your children’s welfare first. He is still manipulating you. Making you swear on your children’s life is emotional abuse. He won’t change. How many chances has he had already? They cycle of abuse just continues until you make it stop by getting you and your children away from him. It might feel easier to stay but that’s not the solution and things will only get worse. He can go and get all the help he needs but he doesn’t have to be with you to do that. Walk away and let him look after himself. He is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and your children and it will look much better if you accept the safeguarding measures and cooperate rather than the doctor reporting that you didn’t implement safeguards when given the chance. Reach out to the agencies that are trying to help you. Your abuser won’t help. Stay safe x

[KIP.]

Lots of people have addiction problems but they are not abusive. Do not blame alcohol for abuse. This man chooses to abuse you. It’s not the alcohol it’s him. Does he abuse you in front of witnesses? Does he wait till the door is closed? He can control his temper when it suits him. These men abuse deliberately, behind closed doors. They know it’s wrong. They just don’t care.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there GMLB, Your name is very similar to mine, IWMB, I’ve not been on for a while, I left (very recently – detail removed by moderator). My OH isnt addicted in the sense to drink or drugs but like all abusers he’s addicted to the power and control it gives him. He is a broken man just now, promising me the world, trying to assure me he’s changed, he’ll never hurt me again, he has been to see a counsellor recently, I was asked to go to by the counsellor but I’d already made my mind up I’d go if I was asked anyway. I’m taking everyday baby step by baby step. I wouldn’t have left if he hadn’t been the way he was. He’s taking full responsibility for his behaviour, says he’s telling people that. But I also believe he’s making it out not as bad as it was, for shame. He’s not prepared to divulge certain aspects to the counsellor which in effect is lying to him and himself. I’ve written him quiet a few screeds of why I left. There’s one which says something about, why would I go back and it lists absolutely everything he’s done over the years. Reading it I think why would I go back, but as Lady Gaga sings, there’s a million reasons to go just give me one good one to stay. I’ve not had that one good one yet. I’ve also not given him that one(letter)yet, but I’ll give the counsellor a copy when I see him. Let WA help you get out of the environment, if he wants to change he’ll get help, even if he’s to pay for it. I promise once you’re out and away from the toxicity of your surroundings you’ll see things clearer. I won’t lie, there’s times I miss my home, my dogs but I’ve not missed him. Oh I like the nice guy he’s showing me but the cracks are there, taped together but are showing still. Someone advised me of a task to do; take a piece of paper and tear it in half. Try to put it back together again, anyway you can, glue it, cellotape it, staple it, anything that joins it back together. You’ll see you can’t, it’s impossible. That bit of paper represents your relationship, everytime you don’t feel strong look at it. Keep it in your purse or on your fridge. I’ve got mine in my kitchen, my OH has put his where he can see it as he goes out. I’ve stayed overnight recently, it was okay, I felt okay when I got up but I missed my flat, the atmosphere is so different. It’s in the same town BUT it could be a million miles away, it feels safe, peaceful calm, tidy. EVERYTHING we need at this time in order to think, to heal. So don’t worry about your OH, think of yourself for a change, it’s not being selfish, you have to put the oxygen mask on you first in order to be there for others. Your oh is manipulating you, using his addiction to guilt you into staying. Until you make a stand against these men nothing will change. Once you’re out and it looks like it is,(changing) that’s great, but it doesn’t wash away years of abuse just because he’s being nice now.
All that has shown me is that he’s(my oh) chosen to be a bas…d and now he’s losing me, he’s deciding to act like he should have all along. It’s not easy leaving, lean on anyone who’ll help you. It took me months of meticulous planning, everyone of us does it differently. But once you reach your enough is enough moment, it isn’t long till the relationship is done. One baby step at a time, don’t tell him what you’re planning because he’ll only try to convince you otherwise, try and get out, (even if you do go back) try and get some breathing space. The difference I’m seeing and feeling in myself, what others are seeing is like night and day. My shoulders drop as soon as I go into my flat, I feel them tense even though I think I feel calm when I’m in my old house. Maybe my OH can change, BUT I don’t see HOW he can. He’s too long in the tooth as they say. His old personality will always be there. And I’m not prepared(yet) to risk giving up my safe place. What I do know is that IF I go back, I’ll never think twice about leaving again, and I’ll make sure it’s further away and will go absolutely no contact. So even though I’m thinking of going back, deep down I really don’t want to, I know I can be on my own, have a life without having to go home to a house with him in it, and I’m okay with that, more than okay, I’m at peace with that. You’ll reach your time to go when you’re ready, best wishes. Keep posting and keep learning, knowledge truly is power. I’ve missed this forum due to circumstances outwith my control(nae internet)AND I’ve been unable to read many of the posts as I’ve found them triggering, making me want to run away(which i find a weird reaction), but posting is vital to keeping us strong, lean on us whenever you don’t feel strong my friend, we are all standing on the shoulders of the women who have gone before us.
Love and strength
IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, My ex is an alcoholic and an abuser. He would also go through stages of cutting out the drink or cutting down on it, but it always, always crept back again very quickly. The type of abuse would change in those stages, but it was there all the time.
I’m still finding hidden cans and bottles of cheap strong alcohol around the house, and he’s been gone a while.

I had all those promises too. Now I have a chalkboard in my bathroom that says ‘I am worth more than empty promises’.

Remember that something you swear under duress, and that’s what he did to you, force you to say it; something you say through his coercion, has no power. It is not real.

[fizzylem]

I feel for you GMLB, can hear you want to help him and get the family life you always dreamed of, but yes, agree with KIP. This is good advice.

He needs to have changed and have shown you this for a very long time before you can consider having any kind of relationship with him, or him having a relationhsip with his kids too, may take him years to get there, might never happen also, so now is simply not the time, as sad as it is, he is not available to you or the children while he is addicted to drugs; you can’t help him with this problem now. The only way to help him here really is to leave.

I really do hope he does get the professional support he needs, but he has to do this on his own. He shouldn’t really want to be dragging you all through this with him and it is definately wrong to make you swear on the kids lives to secrecy; what you both need is support and to reach out here; the secrecy only keeps it going.

There is also the abuse too of course; this is unacceptable in any set of circumstances. If you are suffering your children will be as well.

Safeguarding have been called now, so this is going to be investigated, better for you and the children to gain their support here.

They will take the view that this man is not suitable to be around your children when he has an addiction and is abusive – it would be best for you if you could also share this view.

You need to show them now that your childrens health and wellbeing has to come first, above his needs. You will be on shakey ground if not. You need to show them you can and are making sound choices for your children.

He had his last chance a long time ago – he’s really already blown it.

Let him go flower; you dont owe him a thing. Any commitment you made to him ended when he started with the abuse – as you did not sign up and agree to that.

Put you and your children first now; your gut is telling you this and he knows it hey, he knows that really you dont have any choice and that this is where you have been a lot lately, knowing it needs to end, that you can no longer be there for him.

Try to be with those who love you now; keep your ears to him closed x

[Tobfree]

Just not sure how to post on her i newbie yet not newbie to abuse been in and out of abusive relationships for (detail removed by moderator) years
I really thought i had found the one this time but no just another abuser
I am trying hard to get strong enough to get out
Cant believe its abuse again but it is
Any one to chat to would be lovely and private message even better then i know he has not read any of my posts on here

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Tobfree, welcome to the forum and well done on taking the first step to posting. That alone is scary, as you are so afraid he’ll find out or someone on here will know who you are. If anything identifying is written the moderators will take it out. It feels strange at first, almost like you’ve done something wrong but it is for our own safety that’s all. Best wishes and keep posting.
IWMB 💕💕

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Getmylifeback

I am so sorry to hear of your recent, what must be exhausting, arguments. How are you feeling now?

The one thing that really jumped out for me is that you said, ‘I owe it to him’.

Actually, you owe it to yourself and your children. When he has no loyalty to you,then his loyalty is gone. He has aready left partnership of you. He ceased treating you like an equal, a partner, a friend even, when he started abusing you and your children.

So, you ‘owe’ him nothing at all. It is also well documented that alcoholics have to do this alone, or they will continually lie and rob from those closest to them.

You thinking you ‘owe’ him something speaks of his hold over you, his domination of you, that his right to carry on is more important than yoirs to not be part of it any more.

You matter, your children matter way way over and above his abuse of you/them.

He is abusive because hes abusive, nothing to do with alcohol. If he ever stops drinking, he will still be an abuser. He has a long journey to go on without you. You cannot travel that road with him, only he can do this, and its unlikely he will really want to face this until there is noone left in his life. The only person who can save him, is himself.

By being on here, you are trying to save yourself, taking responsibility, but some maybe for him too. He needs to act to save himself, and every minute he doesnt, he isnt.

Please take good care of you and your children. He is an adult and needs to take care of himself.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you all.

Firstly i will say i know you are all right, i can read it and know in my head it makes sense.

I am in such turmoil. I knew he struggled to not drink at night sometimes but claims hes been
Drinking in the day whilst still driving between jobs and taaking double his prescribed dose of pain killers.

Hes actually checked himself into a clinic, goes (detail removed by moderator) for a month costing a fortune.

Ive meeting with WA today and with safe guarding lead next week.

Again ive made empty promises about being here when he gets back. His best friend (who is an amazing guy and has been great support for both of us) said just get him in there even if yiu do have to lie.

Hes told me (detail removed by moderator) if i cant 100% commit to making a fresh start as a family he wants me to go now as he needs to do it and not come out trying to make a new life if im still cold with him.

He woke me (detail removed by moderator) wanting some and wanting reassurance. Its exhausting.

Part of me thinkd he wouldnt go through this if hes as bad as he claims as its soooo much money. Part of me thinks some things dont 100 percent add up and has it been exaggerated to kepp me then its gone too far to back away.

My mum knows everything and ive said to her im on my line at the moment but if it does go to safeguarding itll force a decision.

I read last night on a different site how substance abuse doesnt cause DV but hes pinning it all on this for his behaviour

What a b****y mess 😪

[fizzylem]

Hey chick, you sound much better in this post, like you have clarity, are listening to yourself. Glad you have mum supporting and that you feel you can be open with her. Pull in all the support you can get now.

Yes absolutely, plenty of addicts and people with MH difficulties that are not abusive – so v true – makes you think hey.

You will get through this GMLF, yes it feels like a mess, but one step at a time, keep chipping away and one day you will see some light again. You can do this.

You deserve to loved and cherished for being the person you are x

[J@jmum]

I agree your seeing the light more which is great.
They always have an excuse for the abuse, my ex it’s depression. It never gets better and they never change.
It helps to understand abuse I feel and then you associate with what’s being said and then u realise what the right thing to do is.
His issues are his and not yours to carry the burden of. If he wants to get better he will regardless of if you stay with him. Don’t let him make you the only way he will get better. Not your responsibility.
Kids come first.

[Getmylifeback]

My mum said last night i sound stronger. Hes off to rehab next week and at the moment all im worried about is if he backs down and doesnt go. That makes me feel cr@p but thats when i know how close the next chapter is, i just have no feelings left af all, complete numbness.

WA said i should look for somewhere to rent where i live so i have my familiarity but im still not comfortable with this as he’ll always be there. I was looking at moving 15 mins away but i wont know anyone there but in a way thats the appeal. The majority of our friends will be torn and i will have the opportunity to mert new people.

Dont feel strong this mornjng when hes being super nice, chucking money at me to go treat myself etc. I will be spending it but on kids instead, i dont even want his money for myself.

I WILL do this alone!! 💪💪

[KIP.]

Keep thinking of all the positive things and time you can spend on yourself and your kids without him taking up all that headspace x

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