The last few days have been difficult

[BraveRose]

I just wanted to post here as I have found the last few days difficult.

Me and my ex broke up a good few months ago now due to the police getting involved, he could never get over this and blamed me for ringing the police, he could not believe I’d ever do this to him and he has never said sorry for it. As a result we ended up breaking up as no charges came from the police. We however kept “dating each other” right up until a few weeks ago. We were both single though and not together, it was more we couldn’t stay away from each other and he continuously told me that “I will never change” and we are the reason we aren’t together.

We stopped seeing each other a good few weeks ago after an argument in which he got his friends involved. We have stayed in touch as friends, I do not love him any more, he’s hurt me too much but I still care, I live alone and struggled to cut the contact even as friends, not to mention I also worry I am to blame. A few days ago things got very nasty again. And a mutual friend of ours got involved heavily, the words scarred me so much I wanted to end my life at the time – thankfully I have pulled through those thoughts and feelings but I couldn’t eat for days due to feeling poorly, lost some weight and just feeling generally c****y.

I won’t include too much detail into argument a few days ago as not to reveal sensitive details but I lost it with him, shouting at him and so forth. This led to him doing what he usually does, calling me names, psychotic, mental, idiot and so forth. He then threatened to block me as he usually does, I got so upset and this causes me to message further and he then blocked, and deleted me, ignored me. He has done this since a few months into the relationship and we were together long term. I couldn’t cope with him ignoring me, whatsoever, he’d do it for no reason or during arguments then he’d say he doesn’t want me in his life any more, horrible things then a few days later, at max a week later he’ll unblock me again and the whole cycle starts again, each time I hope it won’t happen again but it does.

So getting to the point, the other day a mutual friend of ours messaged me and said how could you not tell me you were abusive to him? How couldn’t you tell me you were the abusive one? Apparently my ex never hit me, never choked me, never stomped on me, never bashed my head against a wall and never ever struck me – not once. Apparently I was abusive, mentally abusive, physically abusive, and the reason I got hurt was by accident when he was trying to leave the house and I’d hang onto him, apparently the bruises appeared accidentally, not because he touched or lay a finger on me but because he was pushing me out of the way. So apparently everything that did happen, was over-exaggerated and completely in my head. And I am abusive. I was also told by this friend ignoring someone isn’t emotional abuse and my ex was not abusing me by ignoring me. To me it was abuse in my eyes, he used to ignore me all of the time, I’d beg him not to, he’d give me the cold shoulder suddenly or he’d leave me to go home out of the blue sometimes not even due to arguments, to me this was a form of punishment and it was emotional abuse – but maybe I am wrong. I’d beg him repeatedly not to ignore me and desperately do everything to stop him including ringing him repeatedly, messaging him repeatedly, messaging his dad and begging him to please stop ignoring me. His dad struggles with how he has treat me and does not agree with it, he however does not know about the physical abuse.

I made mistakes in relationship such as messaging repeatedly when he ignored me, it stole my energy and it’d drive me to act crazy, I could not cope with it whatsoever, not even a little bit and in the past I’d self-harm over it, so badly one time I ended up in hospital. I have since stopped this and I have not cut a year next month, after the hospital visit I stopped letting the ignoring lead to self-harm. He used to call me names all the time, lazy, selfish, worthless, useless, crazy, all sorts.

Other mistakes I made is, I lashed out at him sometimes when he was emotionally abusing me, I couldn’t cope with it and I’d push him and one time he said something so awful I slapped him. Another night he physically hurt me, he was bashing my head against a wall, and pinning me to the floor – So I hit him back, over and over, which of course led to further violence from him, funnily enough this has now been used against me, he’s now told people I hit him he never hit me, which isn’t true at all. Any time I ever lashed out was during very bad emotional abuse or after he’d hurt me violently.

Also when he tried to leave me and started ignoring me, I’d beg him not to leave and I’d try to stop him leaving and staying with me, and breaking up with me even though deep down I knew he’d never break up with me, this cycle has repeated over and over again but each time I’d panic thinking he was leaving for good. This resulted in him hurting me physically in a big way and he blames it on me trying to stop him leaving me, and says its my fault, I forced his hand apparently.

Some of the physical abuse I endured during arguments, or if I shouted or if I tried to stop him leaving including him pinning me to the floor, shaking me, pushing me, dragging me by my feet across floor to the point my knees were badly injured and bled, one time it was so severe it was p**s and agony to walk, he grabbed my wrists, bent my wrists, arms up the back of my back, my fingers till I thought they’d break, he would pin me against walls violently, he strangled me more times then I could ever count to the point I thought he might stop me breathing one time, each time he strangled me his grip became more serious (apparently though I imagined this he NEVER strangled me), he did hit me, he kicked me, he even hit me across the face once (again this apparently was all accidental), he bit me (he forgot about this part and says it never ever happened, I am lying), he pulled my hair once (again all a lie from me, it never happened), he tried to push me down the stairs once, I was hanging onto the banister trying to stop him throwing me down the stairs, he once put his shoes on and stomped on my legs fully, full on stomping on them, he bashed my head against a wall maybe 2-3 times to point I felt dizzy and I developed huge lumps on my head, I remember screaming once and he covered his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming. He threw me across floors and he’d grab me in rage and scream in my face.

I am not perfect, when he emotionally abused me I’d lash out, or I’d lash back after he’d been violent to me. I didn’t cope at all but I never once tried to hurt him, and this guy never once received anything other then a slap from me and neither did he have a single bruise. He wanted me to hurt him though, he once grabbed my hands and tried to force me to strangle him, he wanted me to hurt him so he could tell the police I abused him and get away with it if they were ever called again, he used to physically grab my hands and put them round his throat, trying to force me to strangle him. I could never ever do that to anyone and I’d get upset yelling at him to stop I won’t ever do it to him. He’d grab my hand and try to get me to hit him too, whacking it across him or he’d say come on, hit me, go on you know you want to. He even once said to me, I am going to throw myself down the stairs and tell them you did it to me. It was horrible.

Apparently because when he ignores me, I message him repeatedly, apparently because I sometimes lashed back and couldn’t cope with emotional abuse, I am the abusive one, do you think this is true and he’s innocent, I am not abusive? And I have made it all up in my head or its all my fault?

I do believe ignoring someone the way he did constantly especially when they beg for you to stop and telling you you’re hurting them, is emotional abuse but perhaps I am wrong?

He also used to call me all sorts, he’d threaten to leave me constantly and say he wanted me out his life for good, to the point those words have no meaning any more. He has said those words again the other day and I just don’t want it any more, I know its only a matter of days if not hours before he’s unblocking me again and taking back all the nasty things he said. Not that he’ll say sorry, he’s never sorry, he’s said sorry to me maybe 2 times in whole relationship, the rest of the time everything always has been and always will be my fault. I am always sorry, I say sorry for the things I do wrong and the things I know deep down I haven’t done wrong too, I don’t want to be with this man again but cutting contact with him is a different story even though I don’t want to see him any more, I struggle sometimes thinking what if I am abusive but then I remember what he did, and I believe I was abused but sometimes I don’t.

I still have photographs of the bruises on my phone, last night I was looking at them and I sobbed at how severe the injuries were – so why do I still let myself doubt that what happened, happened? He even jammed my arm in a door to the point it swelled up severely and bruised. What’s going on in my head, why do I keep forgiving him, why do I stay in contact with someone who hurt me so severely even though I don’t want to be with him? Why do I let him affect me so bad I feel physically poorly and suffer severe depression and anxiety? What’s going on in my head, do I really believe its possible those bruises were caused accidentally, I am pretty sure I did not imagine him strangling me and bashing my head, but what if I did? It’s so hard.

Sorry this is so long!

[White Rose]

him. He’s a danger to your life.
Don’t wait for him to unblock you – block him now and have no further contact with him for your own safety.
If you haven’t done so yet phone womens aid helpline and talk to the ladies there and follow their advice – the number is on here and it’s free phone.
You need to keep yourself be safe. Don’t go back to him xxxx

[White Rose]

Hi braverose.
Ignore the above! Typed it elsewhere and cut and pasted incompletely
This is a frightening and upsetting post.
You are being abused physically and emotionally and if you take anything away from this reply and the others you will surely get, I hope it is to stay away from him – block him now and have no further contact with him for your own safety.
If you haven’t done so yet phone womens aid helpline and talk to the ladies there and follow their advice – the number is on here and it’s free phone.
You need to keep yourself be safe. Don’t go back to him xxxx

[BraveRose]

Hi White Rose, thank you for your reply. It’s hard because I have lashed back at him before and repeatedly messaged him which he claimed was harassment when he has ignored me. I felt it was emotional abuse though after a while as this has been on going a long time and he’d ignore me suddenly, for no reason at all. It’s so confusing as when we were dating, he was so lovely, supported me through a lot but the minute our relationship became official after a few months, the emotional abuse started. Now he’s making me believe I am abusive, it’s not emotional abuse or physical abuse. He constantly tells me he never hit his ex (He pushed her though apparently because she threw things at him) and apparently that’s not violence and he’s worse with me, and it’s all my fault. It’s hard knowing he never hurt his ex who he was with 3 years but I am more of a challenging person to be with, I suffer with mental health issues and I guess I pushed all his buttons, and I know he used to ignore and block her, but I coped less with him blocking and ignoring me. I do want to cut ties and I hope I am strong enough to do it this time, I can’t take the anxiety I feel when he treats me this way any more and the states I get into, it breaks my heart. Each and every time. I am so tired.

I am in utter shock he’d ever go round telling everyone I never got abused by him, he never hit me, struck me or physically hurt me. I am shocked he’d say that, and I am shocked he’d tell everyone how abusive I was, that hurt me a lot, that’s hurt me more than anything.

[BraveRose]

And is it really so much to ask for him just to say sorry for him hurting me? Surely if he never meant to hurt me, he’d be remorseful and guilty for the bruises and injuries he left on my body? I know when I have lashed out at him, I have never stopped apologising even if it was in defence to him hurting me or he was emotionally hurting me repeatedly. One time I sat at bottom of stairs whilst he ripped into me, telling me how awful a person I was, I was sobbing so much in a state and he just did not stop. I have hurt people unintentionally before, maybe said something I didn’t mean but I would never ever try hurt someone, in fact I’d rather not be here if I was a bad person, I wouldn’t want to hurt or ruin anyones life for the life of me and it scares me someone thinks I am the person who does that even though that person hurt me. I still struggle, I worry I am the problem and I don’t ever want to hurt anyone so that worries me.

[Falling Skys]

Hi braverose

Big hugs xx

They are so good at making everything they do someone else’s fault. Because I answered back I thought it was an argument but it wasn’t it’s preconceived abuse.

It also sounds like trauma bonding, we do this. Best way for you is to distance yourself from him for your sanity.

Keep posting and get as much help as you can.

FS xx

[Savingmyself]

Hi Brave
You need to take a big step back he means you no good at all
You can not be in a relationship like this it is toxic . He knows how to play you and hurt you and it will not stop unless you do not reply to him
You will not get a sorry from him my ex broke my bones and did not get a sorry
You need to cut him off . Take his number out of your phone so you can’t call or text him
When he unblocks sit on your hands come on here and post
the only way to stop him is to go silent on him
Look up pychopathfree free website
He is playing a big game with you wanting you to be / go crazy over him
Do the opposite do not see him or talk to him . Tell your friends you are done with him and you don’t want to talk about him anymore
Take some space and time out so you can see who he really is
Be good to your self start giving the love you wanted to give him to yourself
Baggage reclaim is a good web site do some reading and understand that he means you no good .
Stay close to us on here
Please call 0808 2000 247 and they will help you see how abusive he was to you
I was in a very similar position as you and I am on my way to healing now and if I can do it so can you
Big hugs x*x

[BraveRose]

I feel sick, I just found out he abused his ex, I messaged her as I couldn’t take any more, he used to kick her and punch her, I feel so sick, how did I get myself into this situation. He swore he never ever laid a finger on her, and I was only girl he touched, I feel so stupid 🙁

[BraveRose]

I feel totally numb :'(

I feel lied to, my head feels messed up, how could I have got myself into this situation 🙁

[White Rose]

It is not your fault.
Take this as proof of that. You don’t need to feel guilty of causing your situation – he did that.
Stay away from him.
Look at some of the info savingmyself suggested.
Take care. You’re worth far more than him.

[godschild]

Brave Rose, You are not the abuser, I have also shouted back and oushed and lashed out some few times, they do this to you to push and push you then they call you the abuser, mine has recently even tried to convince the Police that im the abuser. no one can stand being treated this way and not retaliate or protect themselves at times, he is the abuser and ignoring you is abuse, its delibrate to see you beg and make him feel so good.
I read a book and her abuser was married before her and he said he had never abused the previous Wife, she found his divorce papers and the previous woman had divorced him for abuse and she eventually tracked her down and she had been abused.
He is lying to you and getting other people to see his point which is false.
Do phone the helpline and det support.
I have been told now about trauma bonding and this is why you cant bear them to go or be ignored but many women on here have got away and are recovering
He is trying to tie your mind in knots , stay on here and you will see the truth. I have also put some book recommendations on here that will help you to see what he is up to
We all wonder how we get in this situation, they are so crafty and subtle to start with then brianwash and destroy us us, mine tells me i need sectioning and that Im mental etc etc they will push and push for your to react then call you abusive. They never apologise sincerely either, i may get im sorry if Ive done this or that, but its only to make him feel better. You must get support xx

[BraveRose]

Thank you for replying to me.

My heads truly messed up and thank you for the recommendations.

It shows how much of an affect this has had on me because I’m thinking oh is the ex lying to me about being hurt too, did he do that? Because I am so convinced it only happened to me, its all my fault and hes a good guy deep down and he never hurt her but why would she lie about it too. It makes me realise how truly messed up my head is because that’s honestly what I am thinking.

Is it possible that he’s literally forgotten he abused her too and truly believes he never did it? My heads a complete mess. I am relieved its possible its not just me but also hurt, I feel lied to completely. It feels so deceiving and betraying. Completely betrayed. He swore on lives even his own he never laid a finger on her and because he told me the most he did was push her, I truly believed this because why would he have told me one thing he did and not the rest?

But she revealed he kicked her on the floor over and over once, he punched her in the back repeatedly. And dragged her around. I just can’t quite believe it all to be honest, all this pain and heartache I have been through, if I had known I’d never have gone near him as I had been abused before… makes you wonder who you can trust. He seemed so genuine, so loving, so caring and even got angry at my ex for abusing me, wanting to beat him up and kill him for it…. So I really believed he’d never do the same. I’m so shocked and I’m so shocked I am the second woman he has done this to, not the first.. Truly utterly shocked. It’s a big shock to the system and I’ve cried all afternoon. My head really is truly messed up. I expected her to message me and say to me, he never laid a finger on me, and message him behind my back cause I’d accused him of it but to hear her be so lovely and reveal all this stuff he did to her – its a very big shock. Truly is.

I have contacted Victim support in my area, to see if I can get some at home counselling to tackle this before my feelings get too overwhelmed. This has really bothered me. Xx

[lover of no contact]

Welcome BraveRose to the forum, its lucky you found us. You have been through so much pain (physical and emotional) with your abuser boyfriend. Keep posting and reading the other ladies posts. You will gain the strength to keep away from your abuser.

Don’t blame yourself for getting into an abusive relationship. We all did it on here. As you say it is so confusing, as in the beginning your abuser boyfriend was lovely, when you started dating he was supportive and nice (fake side of his personality) and only allowed the real him (nasty behaviours) when you became official and he was secure that you were ‘hooked’ into the relationship.

We just want to be loved and we don’t think for a minute that we are being deceived because we would never think like that. Its hard to believe that there are people who would intentionally hurt us, on purpose so they can ‘fool’ and ‘dominate’ and ‘control’ us. But sadly there are, and us being normal, kind human beings can get ‘trapped’ into a relationship with an abuser. Its not our fault. Its just bad luck you ever met him.

[BraveRose]

Thank you. I hope I can stay away from him, I need to, I really do. Especially after hearing about his ex too.

I used to believe he was good deep down, he could change. He has issues mental health wise so I used to believe he could change and that was the reason, I don’t know.

Its so difficult it truly is. My heads just a mess but oh well, what can I do. I can’t believe how low I have stooped at times, how crazy I have acted and all because of a man. And how difficult I’ve found it cutting ties with this man.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

These men really do annoy me , they hurt us then switch it the other way round making themselves out to be Innocent U block him hun, do not wait for him to unblock u , u need to keep away from this man he is toxic for u. Let him go hun, u deserve so much better, he has made your head a mess but thankfully u can see what is happening is wrong, call womensaid help line and get support , there r so many books on abuse that u need to read, try why does he do that ? by lundy bancroft. you are experiencing trauma bonding this is why u r keeping contact, u need to focus on how he hurt u and why u walk away, u cannot keep relationship with people who hurt u, this is only thing that kept me away, they never apologize , they don’t even admit it happened . As for your so called friends or his, if they want to believe his side u don’t need to justify yourself it happened to u and u know that, if they want to say u r abuser just say well actually no its him but if u want to believe him that’s your choice, i experience it and am walking away from him , truth is truth hun and comes out at end, be strong hun and build support network, us ladies will support u all way as we have left abusers and understand process, u cant even be friends with them, they r abusers and have no respect for us., Normal relationship maybe some people remain friends, never with abusers

[Ayanna]

Hi BraveRose, he is a typical abuser. When I met my ex he said that he would never hit a woman. Years later I had countless different experiences. Also, why would he even mention that? I am wiser now.
He too tried to convince the police that I abused him. Unfortunately for him there was lots of evidence that he lied. He even contacted victim support. He did not succeed in the end.
The best thing to do is to go zero contact, move to a different area, become invisible for him, unreachable.
Do not get into arguments and/or fights with him. Numerous women got cautions through such incidents, although they were the victims. The law is like that, supporting patriarchy.
Stay safe! x*x

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