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    • #127716
      Orangerainbow
      Participant

      I guess I will never know all the lies I was fed. It hurts knowing he chose to abuse me. Why on esrth was I drawn to such a vile person? I am ashamed I entertained him around my family and married him. He had a melt down days before we married. He never made me feel special even on our wedding day.
      All the pet names in the world don’t change the vile language I was exposed to, directed at me. His latest attack resulted in me leaving. I am wondering now if that was what he wanted all along. Why am I capable of loving the unlovable?

    • #127722
      KIP.
      Participant

      We all loved the unlovable. Don’t blame yourself. These men spend years perfecting their deceit. What they want is to destroy us. To build us up then enjoy slowly taking us apart. Piece by piece. But you had the final say. You walked away from him. You know his games now. His behaviour is exposed. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #127725
      Headspin
      Participant

      He was drawn to you because you’re a nice person and he could manipulate you. Decent people forgive and try to work things out. You’ve done brilliantly to get out of the marriage, I’m trapped in mine.
      If it’s any consolation my husband didn’t make me feel special on our wedding day either. He couldn’t even say I looked nice, his speech was full of sarcasm directed at me. He told me off on our honeymoo and said he thought he had made a mistake. You’re not alone in marrying a selfish (detail removed by Moderator).
      As kip said, good riddance.

    • #127726
      Headspin
      Participant

      *honeymoon not honeymoo

    • #127727
      Orangerainbow
      Participant

      Vile individuals, thank you ladies for your replies. What a waste of time and care on someone who didn’t deserve it. I realise I deserve my care now. Walking away was the only option to his viciousness and degrading tone. He tried his mind games once too often. I feel nothing for him right now. I hope that continues.

    • #127730
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Don’t feel ashamed. The shame is all his, not yours. Feel your strength and courage instead.

      Whatever he tries to make you think now, he definitely didn’t want you to leave. Now he’s got to go and find someone else to supply his feed. His intention in that last attack was to break you into submission. It would never have occurred to him that you would leave.

      You are absolutely right, it’s time for you to care about you now. xx

    • #127737
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      It might be worth researching Trauma Bonds on YouTube. Learning about these helped me to understand why I tolerated my ex so long and gave him so many chances. I kind of needed to find some understanding of this before I could continue to heal.

      We will never know the extent of their lies. We just see the tip of that iceberg.

      GR

    • #127745
      Orangerainbow
      Participant

      Thank you ladies. Your words are sobering and strestrengthening. Trauma bonds, I have heard rhe term. He ‘trained me’ to be on my own, due to work schedule which I lived around. His latest attack to complete submission back fired then big time for him. Before I was us I was me. I am me again.

    • #127951
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Orangerainbow

      I completely understand the shame and self-blame. I felt the same. But try to remember there’s no shame in seeing the best in people or hoping things will improve. No shame in putting in the effort. Don’t blame yourself for tolerating him as long as you did either. He made you fall in love with a big fat lie. He’s a fraud, a fake. Congratulate yourself every day for seeing him for who he truly is. Don’t look back.

    • #127980
      Orangerainbow
      Participant

       He made you fall in love with a big fat lie. He’s a fraud, a fake. Congratulate yourself every day for seeing him for who he truly is. Don’t look back.

      Your words resonate inside my head Camel. I have always looked to the good in people. I know I am not perfect. I had done a lot of work on myself prior to meeting him. Yet I couldn’t trust my gut feeling about him. I had dated and I had not continued those relationships as the red flags I listened to..yet with him they were there but I still continued. Having read up on trauma bonds I am beginning to understand so much that I was not aware of or come up in counselling I recieved many years ago now.

      I have learned so much in these few weeks online and here, so I am trying to be kind to myself.

    • #127983
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Omg Camel. I just remembered my ex using the phrase training about other people’s relationships. And another penny clinks as it falls into place!!!

      • #127995
        Camel
        Participant

        I used to think my closest friend was perfect. So patient and kind, a good listener, helpful, never forgot a birthday. It was such a relief when she got angry one day. No one really likes perfect people. They make us feel inadequate. Besides, ‘perfect’ or ‘doormat’?

        So, it’s good to hear you say you’re not perfect. It’s not a failing. You don’t need to work on yourself. You’re perfectly fine as you are 🙂

    • #128051
      Orangerainbow
      Participant

      Thank you Camel, you made me smile today.

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