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It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I fled. My life is alot better free from the abuse and I’ve moved on as much as I could.
However I suffer severe PTSD due to the abuse I endured and every day I obsessively think about things that were done to me or said. Or ill remember something and suddenly I realise it was a lie and how silly I was for not realising at that time. At times I question my own sanity due to being gaslit so much and think maybe I was the crazy one. Which is silly because I almost died in the hands of my ex abuser.
I have nightmares and still barely leave the house. (detail removed by moderator). I’m worried nobody will believe me and it might make me worse. I just want to move on but can’t. I feel like the abuse never ends and there will never be justice or il never be heard -
i have just responded to a post along similar lines, & mentioned counselling which might also help you quite a lot if it was something you would consider
i have been left quite agoraphobic because of the abuse & have read that this lack of confidence can be very common after experiencing trauma
the obsessive thoughts are all part of healing as you try to make some kind of sense out of the chaos & deceit. and it is very normal to doubt yourself big time after being in an abusive relationship as they have deliberately caused this with all their gaslighting & manipulation
please dont beat yourself up about what you may have excused at the time, its something we have all done. because often we were so manipulated & confused that we couldnt see straight. other times we desperately wanted to see the good in someone so ignored any gut feelings
have you read much about abusive relationships as doing this can help you to understand what you have & are now experiencing
you are definitely believed on this forum, but we all know how frustrating & infuriating it is when an abusive ex partner convinces the rest of the world that they are the exact opposite of who they truly are – sadly others are duped, just as we were in the very beginning
stay strong as it will slowly get better, especially with support. you are safe now which matters more than anything else
thinking of you x -
Omg thank you so much for your reply it has genuinely lifted a bit of weight off my shoulders.
I have been too embarrassed to admit that I have become agoraphobic myself. If I have to go out I need headphones and have to keep my breathing steady and im so nervous when I’m at self checkouts. I also stopped driving my car in fear of running into anyone I don’t want to see. It’s gotten so bad. I’m waiting on counselling but they rejected my place due to ongoing legal proceedings, which is ridiculous because I need the help now. I feel like I really need to just let all this off my chest and get help breaking out of my shell again. Thank you for your reply it was so comforting knowing I’m not alone. -
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