The mind games

[Newgirl]

Evening all I’m sick and tired of the mind games the do you want to stay together? Then ignoring my texts but also moaning that I don’t text. Moaning about exercise how long I was doing it, what did I do! If I make anything he (detail removed by Moderator). As soon as he returns from work I’m on edge! Then I’m made to watch a series till he goes to bed! I’m fed up with it! I’ve got to the point I need to leave just finding the strength now! I try not to let it get to me and put on my I’m ok face which he really doesn’t like! But it’s hard as I think so when is the next accusation he wants to know every detail of what I’m doing but I know nothing about what he is and I refuse to ask as i don’t actually care. I don’t even look at my phone when he is about as I get the who’s that what do they want! Yet he is on his phone all night without a word! Grrrrr sick of it all

[searchingforhope]

Oh my, the line “I didn’t know if that included me” I’ve heard similar soooo many times. It’s actually another eye opener for me seeing you write that.
I don’t know how I found the strength to separate. Things are in an absolute heap. Nothing proper sorted re kids, him telling me he wants me back, yet tormenting me and giving me no space. I totally get what you say, dreading him coming home, I’d dread seeing the car drive in and do now even though he’s not living here right now. I don’t know if I have the strength to keep this going though to take next step. Sorry I’m not meaning to ambush your post.

I did for a long time sit down at night watching what he did too, but eventually decided no, I actually want to go to bed, I’m tired, I must look after me.
It is so wearing I totally understand. Try do little things for you, to replenish you and build you. Take baby steps, you will get there.
Sending love x*x

[Newgirl]

Thank you lovely, I used to go up as soon as I could but then get accused of either pleasing myself or having an online affair which I wasn’t doing either!
Never worry about ambushing we are all here for help and support x x x x well done on taking that step I can’t quite get there even tho I’m desperate for it!!! But I’m sorry things are not sorted yet x you can do this because you are an amazing lady who deserves to be happy and not have that dread x keep going sweetie you are so close to being happy x I know it’s an awful time with cost of living but you can do it and keep posting as it helps so much just to get it out there x x x take care lovely

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh brought back a lot for me reading your post . All attention isn’t it ! Very draining ! I wasn’t allowed to look at my phone , if I did it would be an outright crime , even though it was my business I needed it for . If I texted him I was being needy , if I didn’t I was cheating. I never did anything I was supposed to as a girlfriend according to my ex , never mind he was an utter a******e for a boyfriend. It’s all mind games to keep you in control , keep you guessing all the time , it’s exhausting keeping up with their expectations of how they perceive we should be towards them . They change the rules to suit them and their needs at the time , then make out your the crazy one for doing what they wanted as they never said they wanted or asked for that . You cannot win with these people, your wrong for trying , your wrong for not trying . My whole days were filled up with trying to figure out what I had done wrong ? Arguing , crying , being shouted at , day in and out , as I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend! In the end you just give up , this will happen for you , it’s too one sided , miserable, toxic relationship. Too many games ! I’m
Sure once you are free you will find you have so much more spare time to do all the things you wanted to do , as at the moment doubtful you have any as they expect you to cater to them 24/7 .

[Newgirl]

Thank you for sharing it makes you feel like you are going crazy and I think it’s because he knows I’m done with it all I don’t let it show that it bothers me! This is constant and then he asks me if I want to stay in the relationship so I turned it on him and said you are the one with issues I don’t do this etc I have certainly given up x I’m sorry it brought back a lot for you x x x

[Bananaboat]

It’s so strange reading your own life in other’s posts. Same here for having to watch what he wanted until he wanted to go to bed, not being allowed on my phone whilst he was on his all day. I came to hate evenings and weekends, would be almost relieved he was drinking crazily so I could use that as an excuse to go up. It is an exhausting way to live and no matter what you do it’ll never be enough, they just keep moving the goalposts. I know it might not feel like it, but this is good as you’re recognising his actions, recognising your feelings about it and wondering what’s next for you. X

[Newgirl]

Thank you x yes I agree it’s good that o am seeing it and know it’s not me x I think you question if it is you but you know you can’t do anything right!

[Bananaboat]

Absolutely and they make us do that. It’s a big move to leave, I did it in baby steps so researched houses private & council, looked into any benefits or other support available and just slowly but surely got my ducks in a row so that when the time came, I knew I’d be ok. Good luck xx

[Newgirl]

Omg that’s exactly what I have done so I know how much I will get and looked into houses etc I also have managed to get some things together so I’m ready to go it’s just the last bit now x

[Bananaboat]

That last step of actually leaving is so hard, the guilt, the fear, feeling obligated to look after him, doubting yourself etc. My mind didn’t stop and it was exhausting, DR Ramani had a great clip on ruminating which helped. Oh and expect him to play the victim card hard!! Doing it this way helped build my confidence up, hope you are feeling that too. The lift at the end of the tunnel is getting closer xx

[Newgirl]

Ah thank you I shall look into that for certain it is hard and exhausting but it’s the only way x he will play the victim and that’s ok by me as long as o get out thank you so much for your help x

[Mellow]

Take back some control go on phone when you want.ignore shout

[Newgirl]

I’ve started taking back some control and he doesn’t like it but it’s tough x x x x

[nbumblebee]

I know this so well I really do. I never ho bed without him if i dont follow him to bed he accuses me of having an affair.
Its ridiculous just such small things they have control over but they all add up.
There are days when i am so string and will tell myself i will leave but these are few and far between most days i just sit waiting for the c**p to start. When jes nice i am full of doubt i almlst want him to be mean again so i can justify my feelings.
Bottom line is i dont love him but I wont leave him. I am trying to find a way to live a life with him. Taking back control like you he hates it and makes him worse so be careful choose your battles wisely one at a time make sure you have a plan to get out if he becomes violent at all or even if he becomes too much. Saying that my goodness its such an empowering feeling when you do take some of that control back for a moment it feels amazing. Take care xxxx

[Newgirl]

Thank you lovely x x x I 100% want to leave and I believe you will get there also as you deserve so much better x x x taking back some control is a very good feeling or not reacting to them is good too I never go to bed at the same time as him as I’m worried he will want things which he is not getting. I am waiting for it to blow up so I can just say I’m done! Eeeckkk exciting x

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t react back unless absolutely necessary, even then just give one word answers , act as if you don’t care , well you probably don’t need to act now lol . The more you react to their crazy making , the more attention they getting good or bad they don’t care , plus it makes them feel you still care . Carry on as you normally would in your day and if he starts just walk away or say ok , whatever ! Then he loses the control and starts to wonder ! X

[Newgirl]

Such good advice thank you x that’s how I am and he can’t handle it at all! There is no point reacting! Usually I cry when it kicks off but last couple of times I haven’t at all! I honestly don’t care about him and can’t wait to leave! Purely need my voice! That’s it x I can do that surely x I don’t think he will be violent but I know you never know so I will see how the situation plays out and take it from there x this site is amazing it helps so much as you don’t feel as alone and any questions you have to yourself everyone here helps to make you realise it’s not us x the cost of living is a worry but do you know what o would eat plain pasta of it meant i was out of here and possible take a second job x it’s all possible I just need the strength to say it which you wonderful ladies are helping me with x thank you so much x

[Anonymous]

There is lots of options available to you in getting help financially, like you said that peace of mind is priceless, you can’t put an amount of money on your life , your happiness, your freedom. You will be just fine I have every faith in you that you can do it , your already doing so much to help your position, the rest will follow at the right time . You definitely can do this ! Xx you can do so much with pasta these days lol

[Newgirl]

Lol love that about the pasta thank you so much i feel ready so ready but it’s just doing it I know it will happen as like you say the peace of mind and freedom is worth so much more x it’s time for me now x

[nbumblebee]

Ive started very carefully saving what money I can i have some cash and a secret bank account just in case i need to get away maybe somewhere in the back on my head is an escape plan??

[Newgirl]

That’s fantastic and such a good idea thankfully my daughter has some savings so she is happy to help anything at all that gives you that peace of mind is worth it x we need to look after ourselves they have already taken enough x ducks in a row x x x

[Author]

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