The more I learned the more concered I am

[Fay of the North]

After reading about domestic violence I’m more worried even a bit scared of my partner. I guess I didn’t realise/conprehend how bad his behaviour was. Now I’m even more concerned about setting him off where before in periods of calm I was able to relax. He has grabbed me by the throat a few times in rages. He never physically hurt me so somehow I always believed he wouldn’t physically hurt me I didn’t see him as ‘that type of person’. Now I’m slowly coming to realize that getting grabbed by the throat and being pinned against something could easily become a threat of strangulation. Especially as the last time he did that I did have (detail removed by Moderator) faint bruises (detail removed by Moderator). This combined with him not letting me leave the flat when he’s that angry.

Now we’ve had an especially long period of calm but dispite this I can’t relax. I can see that this period of calm is longer because I haven’t quite been acting myself, being withdrawn and distant and not returning his affections as much. Now I’m kind of freaking out of setting him off, whereas before I wasn’t as much. Yes when he was angry it was stressful and exhausting but now I’m starting to see it as even potentially dangerous. Even though I still can’t fully admit it to myself.

When starting to work on myself and learning I didn’t expect to end up being more scared than before. Anyone else?

[Lisa]

Hi Fay of the North,

Thank you for sharing with us. Learning about domestic abuse highlights the cycle of power and control which can be frightening and overwhelming to be aware of, but it can also give you knowledge to help. The abuse you have experienced sounds really distressing and high risk. If you feel at risk at any time then please do reach out to the police as well as seek medical support for any injury.

I hope it is helping to post on here- we are all here to support you. Keep posting when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[gettingtired]

Yes I too found the more I read, the more cautious I was. I think the mind does an incredible job of keeping us in denial and minimising the risk of danger. I convinced myself my ex wasn’t violent yet he’d thrown/kicked things at me, left bruises on my arms/wrists, slammed doors on me and even tried to suffocate me in a drunken rage. It still doesn’t feel real and after the incident of him putting a pillow over my head I actually questioned whether it even happened. Please don’t minimise his behaviour. After I left my ex I had to speak to the police on numerous occasions where I was questioned about his behaviour, they take any kind of strangulation/hands around throat very seriously. My ex only ever jokingly put his around my neck pretending to throttle me but it still left me feeling very uneasy. Looking back I can see how it was all part of the power and control he had over me. It was done to make me feel frightened even though he didn’t actually strangle me. Do you have any support from a local domestic abuse service? I tried to deal with my situation alone after I read up on domestic abuse and realised I needed to leave/things weren’t going to change but it was unbearable and I desperately needed support. Xx

[Fay of the North]

Well I wanted to do it on my own, I kind of struggle to accept help. Feels like I have failed somehow if you know what I mean.

But I’m coming close to a break down not knowing how many weeks it could take me to find suitable accommodation/sort everything.

Parcialy a reason why I’m still there I didn’t have any savings to enable me to move with lockdowns and everything work/money was difficult. Only recently I got a job that enabled me to save a lil money. But I am overwhelmed no one has replied to my inquiries about flats even though I didn’t send that many it was still a step for me.

I too tried to deal with it all alone but I kinda need some help. I was advised not to let him know I’m planning to leave as it can make things worse but at the same time I can’t really pretend things are okay anymore. Also I’m worried about asking for help from a domestic violence organisation as I do not want police or social services to be involved if they deem it necessary. I’m unsure about the extent of their confidentiality.

[nbumblebee]

Ive been here a long time and still refuse to acvept my situation as the abuse word i wont read books or things people tell me to read as im scared everyone on here is right. Deep down somewhere inside I know tbey are right or why would I be here?
Accepting help gosh thats hard so very very hard. I broke down after a bad day and told my PT a few detaiks he helped me find a counsellor as i self harm it has taken me a year to talk about my life I am just only just now slightly opening up to them both and wow it hurts its hard and i hate it but I know its something I have to do. I cant cope much longer living like this living with my head in such a mess hiding away its not me its not who i used to be its not who i want my kids to see me as. I must get better and to do that I need help we all do.
This is too big to try and do alone.
It isnt easy its scarey it hurts its lonley but its the only way I guess. I cant tell you to leave I havent after 2 decades but like you im taking small steps foward towards a better life whether thats with him or not I dont yet know what I do know is you dont have to do this alone. Talk to womans aid it is totally confidential totally and they can guide you further you take this step by step in your own time but please dont do it alone xxxx

[Author]

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