The new girlfriend: should I warn her?

[SunshineAngel]

I found out that he has a new girlfriend. They started seeing each other just (detail removed by moderator) after I escaped from him, I was still pregnant with his child then. It hurt so much to see it. (Detail removed by moderator) . They are parading their happiness on their social media. It hurts so much.
I have so many feelings: I am upset that he has replaced me so easily. I am angry that I am made out to be the bad one. He plays the victim and just moves on, while I am still struggling so much.
And also I am concerned about her. Should I warn her somehow? Is there any point? Is it worth it, to plant a seed in her thoughts, to get her to look out for warning signs?
Sometimes I feel so angry, and confused, why there seems to be so little education to teach women how to protect themselves from abusive relationships, when they are so common. I feel so bad for every woman that falls for an abuser and feel like I want to warn them.
Do you feel the same? Has anyone ever tried to warn the new girlfriend?

[KIP.]

Hi there. I remember feeling exactly like you. Do not contact her. If there has been a history of violence you could ask the police to warn her anonymously but she wouldn’t listen to you. Probably wouldnt listen to police either if he’s playing his mind games Think back to your honeymoon phase. He would have just told you she was a spiteful jealous ex. Trying to ruin the relationship. I got to find out exactly what my ex had told his new girlfriend as it was documented and it was a fantasy but what shocked me was the exact same wording he had told me about his first wife! Don’t be fooled by social media either. You know he wears a mask. You are right to feel sorry for her but your responsibility is to heal yourself.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi SunshineAngel,

I know how you feel, I think about it daily how society lets these men go from woman to woman, tricking them with charm, lies, gaslighting and manipulations so they think they’ve met their soulmate, then they inflict their abuse on us building up over time, leaving them in a state of terror and trauma while they just get to move onto the next victim usually with little to no consequences. It is so wrong and something really needs to be done about it, there is still so much misogyny and victim blaming in our society. I heard there is a movement to create a domestic abusers register the same way there is a sex offenders register, which is at least a step in the right direction.

I agree with KIP, she wouldn’t believe you now because she will be intoxicated by his charm during the honeymoon phase. If you’d told me my ex was a lying, abusive cheat I would have actually thought it was funny, as he had me completely fooled and I trusted him completely. It’s very scary how convincing they are and part of what makes the abuse so traumatic because we can’t understand how someone ‘so great’ could turn into our worst nightmares.

I can also relate to the pain and frustration of seeing them ‘move on’ so easily when we are left with our lives ripped apart trying to pick up the pieces each day, taking two steps forward and one step back.

I think the best thing for you to do is channel those feelings into something for yourself. It could be anything really, just as long as it has meaning to you. You could for example a light a candle for the new girlfriend wishing her luck because she is on the path of destruction and will be harmed like you were, and light a candle for yourself too and your new path. Or you could sign up to a course you always wanted to do, or visit a place you wanted to visit, or buy yourself a new top to signify moving on, whatever works. I had a terrible triggering day yesterday knowing my ex was out in public taking part in a (detail removed by moderator)  event looking like some saintly hero while I am stuck struggling with my mental health still thinking about him daily. Today I have decided to enter a piece of work into a competition to channel my frustration, anger, sadness and exasperation into a positive action for myself. It’s incredibly hard but if we take little steps like this each day/week we can get there.

P.S He will be deliberately putting things on social media to make you jealous so block him on everything and go full no contact, it’s very difficult but it will help a lot to get away from his toxicity.

[JJOS]

I can relate to this when my ex got his new gf a few months back. I tried to get to know her for the sake of my DD but my ex wouldn’t allow it. I do worry that she’ll fall in the same trap, like you worry about your ex & his new gf. But I know that I couldn’t warn her because it wpuld fall on ‘deaf ears’ so to speak. She has children of her own, so whilst they play happy families together I just hope she has enough in her to protect her children & herself.

Right now you are the priority and getting yourself in a place of strength outweighs the responsibility to warn her of his ways. Only thing I can suggest is keep the focus on you, & remain the calm & centered one because in the back of her mind she’ll remember that

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your replies and advice. I understand that she will probably not believe me. I also thought about how it would have been, if someone had warned me about him in the beginning of our relationship. I probably wouldn’t have believed it. But maybe I would have thought about when the first strange things started to happen, when he started to show his controlling side. There were warning signs in our relationship early on, where he showed his true colours and I felt confused but didn’t realize that they were warning signs. I keep thinking that maybe I would have realized earlier if I was more aware of what to look out for.

About a year ago, someone very close to me warned me of him. She sent me a lovely and sweet email, explaining that I am not responsible for this man and that it is ok to allow doubts. I do think this helped to free me in the end.

I’m just so angry that so many men get away with treating women that way. I feel like I want to warn all women and tell them: Be careful! Trust your gut! When you see warning signs, then run as fast as you can!
I find myself really irritated at all the everyday sexism and the patriarchy in general. I hate being a victim of a misogynist society, I’m furious about it.

[fridges]

Hello,
Did you ever think why so much he is displaying that all super love?
It is for the public, for people. He need to keep appearances, he need to keep the image that he is a good man.
He also wants to hurt all the past women which he abused, look at me I’m happy, look at me I have got a new woman in my life, and this time is so different. It will not be any different, she will suffer the same way, as you did, just give it a little time.
My second abuser, tried to keep the appearance, his wife wanted divorce him, process started and he was taking me to the places where she can go, or the people who know her and him, will tell her. It was all to hurt her.
And he was giving the image – I’m super happy, look at me – I have got this much younger woman, it is all to feed his selfish EGO, sick soul. I figured it out. And to me he also tried to give image – that he is super happy with someone else, and she is this gorgeous model type and younger than me. It was all to keep in doubts about myself, so he will stay in charge, in control. All it was done, so I will be thinking he is a very special man, and I will pay more attention to him.

[SunshineAngel]

Hi Fridges,

You are absolutely right and thanks for your reply. I also think that he is using this to make himself look good. I was just thinking that surely his family must find his behaviour odd; that just a few weeks after we had been planning our wedding and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together he has this new girlfriend. Doesn’t every person need some time to get over that? But then I realized that of course he is presenting himself as a victim of me, because I left him (Detail removed by moderator) and got an injunction so he couldn’t harass me anymore. The poor guy! How lucky that he managed to find a new woman to take care of him and make him happy again. I found it so difficult to understand why his family, his mother and sister were so cruel to me. How they can stand by him when they know (Detail removed by moderator)? It must be because it’s easier for them. Otherwise they would have to confront him, or might have to take action themselves. They would also be in a position where they would have to contemplate about warning the new girlfriend about his abusive past.

I am so angry lately. I am going through phases of ups and downs and before the anger was really helpful. I could use it to channel my energy into sorting out my escape, (Detail removed by moderator), finding a new place, fighting his attempts to hurt me. Now that I am no contact I am at a loss what to do with my anger. I feel like I want to use it to fight for other women, but then when I am confronted with all the sexism and violence against women it makes me even angrier…

Is it selfish that I think if I warn the new girlfriend and she escapes him before something bad happens to her, that would be a little win for me?

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s not selfish but he would just quickly move onto another victim. He probably has one in the background just in case. You can use a version of Claire’s law. You can inform the police of his new relationship and they will warn her for you. It didn’t make a jot of difference to his new gf but it sure made me feel better about myself. My conscience is clear. I’ve also funnelled my anger into changing the Justice system with surprising success. Your voice as a victim carries a lot of weight. I would advise you to use it constructively. The anger will pass but you have lots of wisdom and knowledge that can help others. Hang in there. Time really is a great healer.

[Author]

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