The "No Contact" challenge

[WesternCloud]

After he made a particularly hurtful dig at me last night I have decided I need to try the “no contact” strategy. I tried it before and lasted a day before he messaged me and I replied.
To take the jump of no contact really does scare me, we aren’t together anymore but like any addict I am using daily contact with him to give me my hit. It takes the edge off me missing him, even if the contact we do have ends in a row which it invariably does.
I’m interested to hear from my fellow survivors who have successfully managed no contact. Was it difficult? is it going to be as painful as I imagine? How long did it take before you started to feel ok again? How did you resist the urge to get in touch with them?
At the moment I am acutely aware that because I am still quite involved with him it is making me feel weak and inadequate, the fact that he is moving on so quickly and easily makes me feel a bit like I’m not good enough and never was. I know that is all part of the abuse but I need to feel in control again.

[Nova]

Hi
When I read on here about NC being the only way forward..By the ladies and reading articles, books which support this…I thought I have to I must try my hardest. I felt, like you it was the only way to gain some control of my life back, & there was no way back.
Deep down I was pining for a man & relationship, that didn’t exist…that was the biggest reality check for years.
I thought well, do I really in my sensible state really think he will change?
I think we know the answer…I’d tried several times, maybe like you have? & it would always end in my tears, hopes crushed unsupported and alone.

This person is as you say like an addiction, the trauma bonding is what’s tough.
I think I just keep going even sleepless nights and the crying and anxiety is passing, it comes & goes..and it has to be better for our futures.

DM me I can tell you more if you want about how long etc…it is worth it though otherwise we stay trapped in their prison, they couldn’t give a t**s that’s extremely damaging mentally, to keep trying to love an abuser.

Big hugs…one day at a time
Safety is your priority.

Cx

[lover of no contact]

I found Googling the No Contact Rules for dealing with an abuser(detail removed by Moderator) very helpful. They are empowering. They say No Contact is the greatest (detail removed by Moderator) injury you can bestow on them. No Contact says to them I know who you are, the game is up with me.

Also try marking on a calendar day 1, day 2, day 3 for each day of no contact. To see the row of numbers that you have managed to go No Contact will be satisfying. Go No Contact and watch him try to worm his way back into your life. You have the upper hand with No Contact.

No Contact strengthens us and weakens them.

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings on here with us as you detox from him. Its painful and difficult but it does get easier.

[Nova]

100% NC & Lover of No contact thank you got enlightening me about this…although when I read it a few months ago I didn’t ‘get it’ now I do.
Seriously thanks X

Without the fuel there is no fire.

Please help me with the house issue will post on awful day …need ALL the help I can get with this ladies
Cx

[iwillbeok]

Hi,

Does no contact include not reading/ listening to any messages? He has no idea whether I have even read any of his messages as I have been strong enough to not reply. I didn’t realise though that blocking his number pushes phone calls straight to voicemail- scared the hell out of me!! Do I listen to check there’s no threat (we have 2 DC) or do I just delete and ignore. What if there is threat within the message that I should show the police?

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – just wanted to say hello. 🙂

It is quite a thought to go no contact, but having finally done it after years out, I can honestly say I DO feel better for it.

I didn’t know if I could do it, thought I’d cave in like I’ve done before – but this time I managed it and done X months now!!!!

So long as he had contact he still had power and control over me,got me to ddo things I didn’t want to do.

Now I’m free of him he has no control over me anymore – he has no power – he can no longer get inside my head.

No contact was made so much easier as I was mad at him – he’d done something to hurt and upset me – and that was the push I needed- enough was enough – no more …… I was so upset at how he’d treated me – and I said to myself – that’s it no more will he be in my life.

He’s tried different tactics to try and get my attention – from being nice and buying gifts – to leaving messages saying we need to talk about X,Y,Z……. I didn’t give in

I didn’t love him, and I didn’t miss him, so it was quite easy – I was determined this time I WOULD do it – and I have!!!!!

Western Cloud – YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. 🙂

[mixed-up mum]

I’m back!!!

First I left him I thought we are different, we can be civil and still talk it will be OK – but he was just ‘always there’ – he’d find excuses to ring up every week, sometimes 2 or 3 tomes a week – and yes we could talk, and yes it was civil, but I was still brainwashed – he was still getting me to say and do what HE wanted me to say and do…….I wasn’t really free.

So in order to be totally free and move on with your life you have to leave him in your past……

It is difficult, as we do still have things that need to be sorted out, and discussed, but I just know I CAN’T let him back in my life or we will be right back to square one…….

Now I don’t have him in my life daily it HAS given me more peace…..so long as I was speaking to him on the phone, or seeing him, I could never be free, and I could never move on……

It’s only NOW when he is no longer a part of my life that I can REALLY begin the healing process……..it took me way too long to realise that no contact was what I HAD TO DO…….

Already I’m feeling stronger, and his power over me is deminishing…….

Hiya ‘I will be OK’ – I’m hoping others will advise you better than I can, as I’m relatively new to all this no contact – I have listened to messages he has left – because I never know it might be important – BUT what I no longer do is enter into dialogue with him about ANYTHING!!!!!

The only thing with listening to him is that he does still get into your head a bit……BUT I’m being stronger now by NOT doing what HE WANTS, and NOT speaking to him and NOT seeing him – at least I have regained that bit of control over him, and over my life……

The only thing I will say is that now he has no direct means of getting to me, he now uses our son as go-between and I’m not keen on this…. I never wanted to put our son in this position.

I hope you get more replies with better advice, but I just wanted to say hello.

Good luck with the no contact – keep strong – YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! 🙂

x*x

[Anonymous]

Luckily for me it was a easy decision as after eeading others stories it can be very difficult to go No contact. I think the reason why no contact for me was easy because at the time I had social services telling me that he is so dangerous that he is not safe to be around my son this is because of how brutual he was in his attack of me and any contact regarding him would have to be done through solicitors and the high courts. Seeing as he sent me a lot of hate mail. I replied a handful of times to tell him to b****r off and I ended it all by saying yI will never reply to you ever again. It took all my might not to hit back when I recieved vicious emails accusing me of everything under the sun. However, after only (detail removed by moderator) weeks of here and (detail removed by moderator) from him I haven’t heard of him since. I would encourage anyone to go no contact no matter how long it takes you to do it. These men are leeches they only strive off of some attention x*x

[Nova]

Keep up the NC…probably one of the few things we can control…its our protection of ourselves.
No contact means no contact, not sneaking a look on social media or looking at texts emails etc..it means we take back control and CUT OFF CONTACT.

If children are involved no doubt WA will advise.. re 3rd party intervention etc…however there are ways, such as grey rock communication, yes/no…Keep it very straight down the line, or it wont work.
Remember they want contact, they will try EVERY trick in the book…it means NOTHING to them, its a means to an end, to achieve their goal.

Love bombing = Mr Nice = manipulation. Soon after he is MR Nasty = abuse = back to square one.

keep safe ladies
Cx

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