8th January 2016 at 2:59 pm #7299
The one thing I miss when you have no partner, is the fact there is no one there to give you a cuddle when times are hard and things are not going well – just to be held – to lie in someone else’s arms – just some physical contact would be nice.
My dad passed away last week after a short illness,and all I wanted was someone to comfort me and be there for me but I had to get through it on my own – my sister lives over 200 miles away and me mam and dad were separated 35 years ago when me dad left us for another woman – so there is no feeling between the two of them – so I felt quite alone at times.
The thing was even if I had still been with me ex he would have only taken advantage of me grieving – he would exploit the fact I was ‘weak’ and use that to take advantage of me and get what he wanted from me (as he often did if I was feeling ill or depressed) so really I would have be none better if I was with him.
But I would just like someone to care about me and to care for me and I would just like to be loved again and be special to someone again….maybe one day…..?????
8th January 2016 at 4:31 pm #7302SerenityParticipant
Hi Mixed-Up Mum,
I am sending you a huge hug. I am sorry for your loss.
At times like this, it is the most natural thing in the world for you to want closeness and empathy.
The truth is, as you say, he would have been even more unsupportive if he were around, because it wouldn’t have been about him.
I lost both grandparents in the space of a few months. He chose this time to be as clinical and unsupportive as possible.
Thank the heavens that he isn’t around to complicate your grief. Losing a parent is a huge loss.
In this transitionary phase, when you are coming out of abuse, you may not have built up many confidantes/ much of a support network ( after all, abusers monopolise everything) and you are still healing, and trying to find your strength and inner peace at the best of times. For this to happen now use be so difficult for you.
Take extra good care of yourself these coming weeks. Take it easy and pamper yourself- not all pampering needs to cost money. An extra long bath, an usual book from the library, an early night with a hot chocolate.
Give yourself that special care that that nasty and selfish man would never give you.
You will come out of this a stringer and wiser person. You already are. You will find warmth and connection in places you don’t expect. And maybe one day you will find someone worthy of you.
I am sure all the women here join me in giving you a mass hug (((((( ))))))))
9th January 2016 at 4:43 am #7336
Hi Serenity – and THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading my post and for taking the time to reply to me.
Yes I know if we’d of still been together he would indeed have managed to make it all about him!!!
And I know he was never able JUST to have a cuddle and leave it at that – he took advantage of ANY physical contact he got from me – he could never just be there for me, cuddle me and comfort me and leave it at that – oh no he saw an opportunity and he’d take his chance to push for ‘more’ – how cold, uncaring, and heartless could he be……
Just when I was starting to feel a bit stronger – I lose my dad – we had a difficult relationship in my teens, I found it hard to forgive him for breaking up my parents marriage and for moving in his ‘bit on the side’ right away – but when I married and had my own family he then decided to be a part of our lives once again – we were never really saw much of each other until I left my abuser and then we became closer, and then when he knew he was ill, and he was not going to get better – we then spent a lot of time together – at the end of the day the past was in the past – he was my flesh and blood – and I was there with him to the end.
I do have a few good friends who have been there for me – but they all have their own families and lives and they can’t be there for me all the time – at the end of the day I’m alone in that bed and I just want to feel loved and feel secure.
I don’t want him back, I will NEVER take him back – but I just want to feel that I have someone who cares about me and is here for me and will hold me and cuddle me and NOT ask for nor expect anything more…..
I wonder if I can ever be loved again, and I wonder if I will be able to love again….. I hope so…..
I will go for now – try and get some sleep – but thank you so much for your support and for the cuddle – means a lot 🙂
8th January 2016 at 6:42 pm #7305foggyhereParticipant
So sorry to hear about your dad <<<<hug>>>>
There are so many aspects to the bond we had with our exes, and yes of course there are things we’ll miss – afterall if they were constantly bad towards us we wouldn’t be here now, would we? What you said struck a cord – I miss his hugs and some of his supportive words. And yes, this meant I’d bring all my sadness to him, ready to exploit. Like you, I can see my depression was heavily exploited by our exes.
I’m very early in this process, but like you I long to be in a relationship again. I believe it will happen one day, and it will be a healthy and happy relationship if I use this time now to heal and recover my self esteem and even my identity.
9th January 2016 at 1:23 pm #7358
Hi Foggy – thank you too for taking the time to read my post and to reply to me – means a lot – and thanks too for the cuddle – good to know you ladies are here for me. 🙂
My ex seemed to have no empathy and no caring what so ever for what I was feeling or going through – it was all about him and HIS needs!!!!
I just could never ever trust him – if he pretend to care for me – it was only ever cos at the end of the day he was only ever after one thing – I wonder if I WILL ever be able to trust another man again…..
I just want someone to care for me, and want to be there for me and love me and not just want me for what he can get from me….
I just want companionship, someone who wants to be with me and wants to talk to me, and just be close and cuddle, and MAYBE then in time I may be able to get some sexusl feelings back – after what he did to me for so many years, Im not sure I will ever be able to trust again, and have sexual feelings for someone – I’m just scared another man will be the same…..how will I know???
My ex was not sexually abusive for the first 5 years of our marriage, then he changed ( when our daughter was born and he had to share me, and he was no longer the centre of my world) so how do you know the signs, it crept up do gradually.
I’m just scared to let any man get that close to me again…
But now I’m middle aged with two teenagers who would want me – I was with my ex for half of my life – I have never really ‘ dated ‘ anyone other than him, basically he was my only sexusl partner – and after what he did to me – its a big ask to let someone get that close again…..but I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life like my mam – she never had another partner in 35 years.
So I hope one day someone will love me again, and I can love again……..
12th January 2016 at 1:25 am #7567foggyhereParticipant
Hiya – its what we’re all on here for x*x
Sex is so weird. I came into this marriage “normal” but with a high sex drive – nothing crazy just 4-5 times a week would suit me fine, could get by with 3. After being constantly refused and having denial of sex used to get a point across that he wasn’t prepared to say (so how on earth am I supposed to know what the message is), and not wanting to push him further away so asking permission to masturbate (he never said no, it’s just so embarrassing to ask so rarely did it) I now leave the marriage with fantasies of denial, domination and control, and these fantasies disgust me.
It’s going to take at least a year before I can even consider letting anyone else near me – I want to be happy on my own first. And those fantasies have to go, otherwise I’ll seek out exactly what I had!
8th January 2016 at 8:32 pm #7307Falling SkysParticipant
Virtual hugs xx at least with our hugs you don’t get a back lash.
I was will my abuser when my Dad died, I had to comfort him as he was so so upset.
The only comfort I got was from my dog at the time..
9th January 2016 at 1:56 pm #7360
Hi Falling Skys – and thank you too for taking the time to read my post and reply to me.
Lots of cuddles from you nice ladies. 🙂
I have just remembered – the night my Grandma died ( we’d been at her bedside day and night for a week before she slipped away, my mam, my sister, my two aunties and my cousin and me all took it in turns to stay with her and we were all there as she took her last breath) I came home and told my ex and the children, and what did he do that night in bed when I just wanted a cuddle and to be held – no he could not help himself – he had to get what he wanted – even though I’d just lost my Grandma – God that hurts still even now 4 years since she died and I still feel the pain and the sadness of what he did to me that night – sorry to be so depressing and miserable….
9th January 2016 at 1:51 am #7334DaisyParticipant
((((Big hug)))) from me too , mixed-up mum,
Sorry to hear your sad news about your dad,
Isn’t it terrible how we realise that in reality these abusers use illnesses, and even periods of grieving against us, to suit their own needs,
I’m sure in time, when you are ready you will meet up with someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve,
Hang on in there tight,
X x x
9th January 2016 at 2:08 pm #7361
Hi Daisy – thank you also for taking the time to read my post and reply – all the support from you lovely ladies does help and thanks for all the cuddles. 🙂
Yes he would ALWAYS exploit my weak moments – always taking advantage of me when I was at a low ebb.
My fist memory of the abuse that really sticks in my mind was when during my stay in hospital after giving birth to our son – he came in bed beside me for what I stupidly thought would be a cuddle – and right there and then he took my hand and forced me to ‘satisfy his needs’ with our son just two days old in the cot beside us – that’s how cold and heartless he was – no feeling – no emotion – no empathy what so ever…..that was the man I married!!!
9th January 2016 at 9:14 am #7338SilkyHalideParticipant
I’ve reached out to friends and family I thought I had lost or wasn’t able to be close to while with my abuser. I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support although mostly on line messenger not hugs (yet) I feel ill never be completely alone.
Falling sky’s message is similar to my experience this week only over a pet not a human family member. I broke down, exploded then shattered on the floor. not so much over the death but over how my abuser was trying to use it to try to manipulate me again after I was so strong up until the death.
9th January 2016 at 2:24 pm #7363
Hi silky – thank you also for taking the time to read my post and reply – all these supportive cuddles are making me feel so much better already. 🙂
The death of a very much loved pet can be almost as bad as losing a relative, I know that very well. We lost our dog after having him from a pup until he was in his teens – and in the end cancer took him. We two were together all day,every day while my ex and the children were at work and school (I worked from home) he was a loyal and faithful companion to the end and it broke my heart to see him suffering with the cancer, we had to do what was best for him and end his pain and suffering, a very sad day ,- my daughter and me cried for days – it left such an empty hole in our lives…..
And yes he tried to take advantage of me even then when he could see how much pain we were in.
9th January 2016 at 9:56 am #7343one day at a timeParticipant
((((Huge hugs)))) to you. Just want you to know you’re not alone. You’re not only managing your grief for your dad but the realisation that even if you were still with your ex,he would have made it all about him or used the situation to manipulate you.
You deserve a comfort and hugs but not from someone who was so horrible to you and didn’t deserve to be with you.
Reach out to those who genuinely care for you and be kind to yourself. Xx
9th January 2016 at 2:38 pm #7366
Thank you too One Day At A Time – for reading my post and for your reply and cuddle.
The support on here has been really lovely – and I do have friends who have given me cuddles at the funeral and supported me – but as I said they can’t be here all the time – and at night when the house is quiet and I am alone that’s when I miss the comfort and security of a cuddle.
My ex did actually phone me twice – first time when he heard me dad had passed away, and second time was the funeral day – and he has actually been reasonably ‘nice’ – but at least on the phone he can’t hurt me – I’m safe….
Thanks for your kind words. 🙂
12th January 2016 at 8:13 am #7587Confused123Participant
Just wanted to say sorry for your loss, i too miss the hugs but we so much better off without hug if we get away from abuse, just focus on recovering and in time hopefully some one decent will come in our lives, i know its hard i too miss hugs desperately but when i think what i escaped and how many singles ladies r out there coping fine i think i can do this too and just take each day slowly it will make us stronger
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