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Today was my second session of the Freedom Programme, we looked at the Power & Control Wheel. I was shocked & flabbergasted exactly what I was dealing with when I was with my ex. He was so controlling, king of the castle, huge arrogance & entitlement. when you see it in black & white & talk about it in an open environment it made me feel astonished at exactly how monstrous my relationship was. We spoke about all sections of the P&C wheel within an abusive relationship & some of us gave examples. I remember my ex frequently looked really angry and hostile. I had not done anything wrong or there was not a problem so there was no reason for him to look that way. This look made me feel frightened and be on the back foot, i’d try pacifying him by altering my behavour so that he didn’t look angry. He would never ever apologize even if he did something blatantly wrong. I would have to chase him and apologize for his wrong doing so that we could get back to normal. We would never have 2 way equal open conversations about anything. I would talk and be open he would listen, absorb & use what I said to abuse me later. He was like a huge king & the castle in the bedroom & after the initial love bombing period where out sex life was amazing, once he hooked me he stopped trying it on and would go for weeks without trying it on. I would have to initiate sex after which we would do it.
Then we looked at the Equality wheel. I was laughing with disbelief during the course, not one thing in this wheel I had. He did the complete opposite of everything on the Equality wheel. A lot of my past relationships have not been equal.
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Thank you for your comments. It was shocking for me to realize this morning what sort of barbaric situation I had gotten into. When your in the thick of it you know something is terribly wrong but your so blamed, confused and unsure you can’t put your finger on it and manage it. Thank god for the Freedom Programme and this forum.
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Hi and hugs
It’s great you can see it for what it was now. I read someone wrote about these guys ” the hardest thing to come to terms with is not that he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s that he never loved you in the first place”
That changed my perspective quite a lotI start my course next week and I’m looking forward to it. Even though he doesn’t live with me anymore, I still feel completely controlled by him and scared. I can’t stop dreaming about him and find he and his behaviours consume my thoughts. I’m hoping the course will help with that
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The freedom course will help me a great deal, it has already & I’ve only done 2 weeks. The Power & Control Wheel verses the Equality Wheel is such a powerful aid for recovery. My ex and the one before him ticked every part of the P&C wheel but I didn’t see it when I was with them, I thought all of the problems were because I wasn’t trying hard enough or because I didn’t understand how a relationship functioned. I hadn’t had many long relationships and none positive so could not draw on that experience. When I broke up with the last ex I couldn’t stop thinking about him, obsessive, intrusive thoughts all day every day for months. Honestly not 10 minutes would pass where I wasn’t thinking of him. As the time goes on these obsessive thoughts decrease in intensity. They seem to increase where there is any contact, however vague, maybe an anniversary or a reminder in some small form. Just seeing someone’s name written down with the same name as my ex would make me upset. X*X
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I think we need to look at ourselves a bit too so we don’t fall into the same trap again. My mum always says I am a rescuer, from baby birds and mice the cats got hold of all the way to friends and boyfriends. She says she inks I need to rescue myself before I try and help others. She’s probably right (d****t) I am kind hearted but to a ridiculous degree, and I end up being walked over or taken for granted.
My charming husband has a typical broken, chaotic home background and is clearly damaged. Subconsciously I think I tried to heal him with love. I need to stop that, people have to heal themselves and I need to work on where my boundaries should be. I guess it sounds terribly Oprah like but I need to give myself the love I’m so eager to dish out to others
Does that make any sense to anyone?
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One of the reasons we stay in an abusive relationship is because we think we can heal the other person. We get addicted to trying to make things well. If we made ourselves well enough we would recognise the red flags and dysfunction that comes with abusers ❤️ So yes, concentrate on yourself. The rest will follow X
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Dear Malaya, that makes sense to me. (detail removed by moderator) i again questioned my ex & his upbringing making him an abusive person. My dad never knew his biological father and didn’t have a male role model. In addition my dad had a severe MH illness from his teens until the end of his life, this made his life difficult & challenging. My dad was the lovliest, kindest dad to me & my sister. He loved us dearly and we loved him. Although him & my mum split when I was young we continued to have a good close relationship. I am not convinced that every person that grows up in a dysfunctional home is an abuser as my dad certainly wasn’t. Maybe they consciously choose this path. My ex’s upbringing was s**t with a tryant step father and my ex is a crazy power driven control freak. Since I split up from the last one I decided enough is enough and I am putting all men on the back burner for a few years whilst I sort myself out. I’ve never been single in over (detail removed by moderator) decades and the majority of these have been with abusive men. I feel lonely & empty sometimes and would normally have got somebody else by now, it seems to fill a gap.X*X
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Serenity posted something once, it said make your own life great and functioning securly – get your finances in order, get your home in order and comfortable and welcoming for you, are you happy with your social life?, do you have enough hobbies and positive down time, have you cleared debt and started to get some savings going? How is your diet and exercise routine?. After reading Serenity’s post I made more of an effort making my home nice so that I feel comfortable. It is clean, mostly tidy and comfortable. I try to spend my private time doing hobbies that I love and am excited about bringing my personal credit score up to excellent. Doing all of these for YOU gives you a deeper inner sense of security. When the time comes and you look at a man again I expect you will have stronger foundations and would not accept rubbish.
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