The price of an oversight.

[Fulmar]

It’s been a while since I posted last. Things seem to have been moving fast this year, I was very privileged to be able to move home and my family have been helping me get back on my feet. So things are slowly getting there, I’m feeling a bit more myself every day and not freaking out every time I see certain cars. So that is good. My friend’s dog had puppies, so I got one of the puppies and she has probably saved my life, pets as therapy is an underrated thing!

But then today I was browsing through my social media and I swear I thought I’d purged everything but obviously not. He popped up with a ton of posts along the lines of him being hurt and never enough and how awfully he’d been treated.

All the old feelings of panic and guilt and anxiety came flooding back with the “what if it was me all along? What if he was right and I am terrible? What if..? What if..?”

Then anger, because how dare he? Then the sick dawning realisation that he probably knew he could get to me this way and I really need to accept that he probably knew what he was doing the whole time.

So, I’m back to the sick knot of panic in my stomach and the creeping paranoia and the outright fear because he can still hurt me. I just needed to get that out, I know you will understand.

[Eggshells]

Arrrrrgh! Sound s like you had come so far Fulmar.

I think that we all know, deep down, that it wasn’t us. He has played you all over again.

I wonder how long it took for him to find that c***k in your defences? Now that you know that there was that weak spot, you can close it down and hopefully never have any knowledge of him ever again.

I think I can understand how you must be feeling. Once we leave, we lower our defences so something like this can have a really profound effect. It goes straight to the belly.

You are safe with your family, he can’t get to you. This feeling will pass. Until it does just do whatever you need to help get you through. Big hugs. xx

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