The “pull” to go back is strong right now…

[Galabeee]

I’m not really sure where to put this… I think it’s probably the time of year more than anything, and conversations with family /friends (who know what happened) but are questioning “do I think if he changed/ said sorry/ was more like he “used to be” I’d go back…
I’m starting to wonder if any of it was actually “that bad” or if I’ve over-reacted by leaving …there is such a big pull in me to get in contact today and apologize – for ruining everything. Things are really hard on my own sometimes and I feel like maybe the “together” with what I knew was better (even though I was desperate to leave) . I feel because it didn’t really get physical much (more silent treatment, anger, constant criticism/ passive aggression) then maybe it’s just me making a big deal out of nothing and I should be grateful I had a relationship and reminder of all the times he was nice/ kind …

Instead, I’m sat alone and wondering what on earth I’m doing with my life…or what to do next.
I’m feeling really lost right now..

[minimeerkat]

galabeee absolutely everything you have said & everything you feel is so very very normal – i really want you to know this
sometimes completely innocent comments from others can leave us seriously questioning ourselves & our decisions due to how very vulnerable we still are
you are right, this time of year has made everything just that bit harder – as if it wasnt already difficult enough
all i will say is do you think its worth exploring all these thoughts & feelings with someone first? or not – perhaps is it not something you would consider
its just that counselling can at least help us to really see what was actually going on within the relationship, and help us learn a lot about ourselves as well
i know just how painful & confusing this can feel especially in the very early days
hoping you can stay strong x

[Galabeee]

Thank you minimeerkat. I think the comments are well meaning but they’ve definitely made me question my decision even though I knew I couldn’t live that way anymore. I’m on the waiting list for counselling with local women’s aid services but I’m starting to worry if they are going to think I’m just being stupid and exagerating to think any of this is “abusive” . I hope I can stay strong too .. I haven’t done anything in terms of contact yet…It just has been a really hard couple of days.
Thank you so much for your reply
x

[minimeerkat]

i think sometimes when we wonder if things would be any ‘easier’ if we went back, we have to be a bit more honest with ourselves about how bad it actually was. remind ourselves of exactly how we felt living alongside that person – really acknowledge how we were treated & just how bad this made us feel
please, not for one second even think that the da support will think these things about you. were you made to feel this way in the past, was it implied that you were overreacting or too sensitive etc. because if you were, this is bound to make you doubt yourself & cause a lack of confidence
also remember that any friends or loved ones will unintentionally minimize any abuse, because luckily they have absolutely zero experience of it at all
this is probably also a bit more difficult for you at the moment because you are still awaiting support – have you any idea how long you will have to wait. its just that i was on a waiting list for trauma counselling, but because it was taking some time i contacted info@supportline.org.uk & was put onto another counseller immediately – who was both trauma informed & specializing in npd abuse
the internet also has counselling services that you can access very quickly at least by phone, some only expecting a tiny contribution depending upon your financial situation
so there are other alternatives in the meantime if you felt you needed some support, even if its just temporarily until the original counselling came through
i dont know your story, but if you had been posting on the forum would it be worth you rereading your posts at all, help you see what you went through
i think a lot of us were just wanting to get through this last week or so in the best way we could – we knew it was going to be really really hard
youve done so well galabee, try & keep going if you can until your support comes through x

[Galabeee]

Thank you . I will look into counselling in the meantime. I think once the world goes back to “Normal” tomorrow and there is routine back it will be a little better , without everyone doing the relationship / family “pressure” of Christmas. No people don’t know / understand how bad it was and how scared I felt of him by the time I left… but I start to doubt myself when people start viewing or talking about it as a marriage that might be able to “Put back together” so to speak..
Reading back on old posts/ diary entries is a good idea . I was purposefully a bit vague here just in case anything became obvious online…
Thank you – I feel a little better this morning and didn’t cave into any additional contact or anything yesterday x

[Chocolatebunnie]

This is so very, very normal x

It will pass and you will feel stronger and see a brighter future for yourself.

Just now you are still healing, processing, grieving for someone or something you thought you had in your life.

Stay strong, going backwards you’ll undo all your hard work. He won’t change, his mindset is the problem and how he views you and women in general.

You deserve a better life and one with kindness, respect, happiness and love. I’m sure you’ve not been happy, felt anxiety, sadness and a need to get away. Remember this. The good times are there so he can continue his power over you, to control you. Ultimately to win you back in times like this. Don’t give in to this, you got this Galabee x

[Galabeee]

Thank you , I’m definitely hoping for a brighter future… It feels a bit sad right now.. yes grieving for the life I thought I had (or person) or was my future. I don’t want to go back or undo all the work that it has taken to get to the point of leaving… but it is so hard when he is so convincing that it was “communication” or “Me” that was the issue…
Thank you for reminding me that the mindset for him is unlikely to change…
g x

[Watersprite]

Hey the pull to go back is strong – the only thing I would say is ….
1/ You left for a reason … can you remember how it felt when things were bad?
2/ life after abuse is bumpy especially if a long relationship, kids or having huge trauma. It goes up and down but gets better overall it takes time
3/ they don’t get better in my experience get worse – sure good spells but it’s all BS
4/ only you can decide
Take care of yourself whichever you decide x

[Galabeee]

Thank you watersprite..
Yes I can remember how it felt when things were really bad… the dread and knot in my stomach all the time, I had no appetite, lost quite a lot of weight, was definitely wanting to numb out all time and felt like I just didn’t know myself anymore..
Yes a long relationship and complete blindside in so many ways… I’m hanging onto it being/ getting better over time. I’m sure it will…
I kept thinking the good spells were the “real” relationship and desperately trying to get that back or do the right thing that will make him “stay” that way …

Thank you – I think the loneliness is driving the questions (rather than I think that the relationship is one to go back to)

[sweet4]

I am dealing with this to, thanks all so much, it really helps xx

[Galabeee]

So sorry you are going through this too sweet4 , it’s really hard. I hope you have some support x

[nbumblebee]

Hey GB whilst its good to hear from you its not so good that you are finding this hard I can only imagine sweetie.
I cant advise bit i wanted to reach out.
Maybe take a read back at your old posts just have an actual reminder of how tough it was how hard you had to fight to get out.
Ive been struggling so much last few weeks he was determined to spoil everything and he did.
Im so lonley too.
They never change as much as we wish for it as lonley as you feel you dont wanna go back you really dont. Look after you now. X*x

[Galabeee]

I’m sorry nbumblebee that you’ve had such a tough time lately too 🙁
I actually had a nicer Christmas and Boxing day than in years not dealing with silence/ moods (Wasn’t always but more often lately) .
Taking a look through the old posts is a good idea … or old diary entries maybe as I was purposely trying to not be too specific/ identifying.
I don’t want to be back in a position of wondering what to do next or feeling like I have to leave again… it was so hard..
Look after yourself too x

[sweet4]

Sorry me again, i also think, of the pull, its alot to do with me being lonely, then thanks to your stories, i have to keep reminding myself, why am i on here, and stop remembering the good times, until he started to change. xx

[minimeerkat]

you could be right sweet4, i think the truth is that many many women will remain in an abusive relationship purely because of that fear of being alone
if like me your whole life revolved around just that one person (for decades) & there was no other support network in place then it will make it extremely difficult to even contemplate anything else
have you got some good information about trauma bonding to read at all as it might help you understand some of your feelings right now x

[sweet4]

Thank you xx

[Galabeee]

I think the loneliness and missing the good times is a really hard thing to manage….its so hard not to question whether it was “always” that bad or whether it’s “justified” in leaving.

I think it’s reminding myself it doesn’t have to be a choice between being lonely or being back in the relationship (loneliness can be sorted other ways I guess) . I had a better day today seeing friends and a reminder than I’m not always alone…

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