It’s a screwed up system. A well-intentioned world wide move to make sure all kids get contact with both parents, regardless of the reasons for marital breakdown.
People in every country struggling with child access orders that try to force co-parenting with abusers. Re-traumatizing the abused, and damaging the kids in the process.
How can you get your sh*t together if you constantly have to deal with the person you ran from?
The abused listen to the experts. Follow the rules of not telling the kids adult stuff. Meanwhile the abuser uses that opportunity to fill the silence with lies. Months or years go by, and the kids become your abusers at the behest of their other parent.
The abused former partner correctly sees this as the children being abused. The system does not. Perhaps the kids go to live with the abuser. Perhaps they leave home thinking the abused parent is a toxic evil liar who hurt the abuser. Perhaps the child is gone to college and working before the abuser finally does the one thing that wakes them up … hopefully before that child has a partner and children of their own.
**P.S I promise to listen if a partner of my adult children says they are abused. They may be telling the truth …