The shame and guilt

[Facepalm]

I been abused by my step father since as long as I can remember, when my mother started dating him, since I was  (detail removed by moderator), I thought it was only me. I thought I was cursed, that I deserve this life once I became a teenager and started being aware of things. I thought he was in love with me. I felt the guilt because he didn’t love my mother. So I never spoke out about it. I couldn’t. I was too scared and ashamed. Everything was always put under the rug. My only distraction and life was (detail removed by moderator)  and online world where I would play endless hours until he opened the door too look at me what I was doing. In case I was talkin to any boys. I couldn’t wait to be 18. Everyone always said when you’re 18 you can do whatver I want. But it didn’t happen.

I hated my life. Until I started college. Where I would always pretend that I had to study so much that that was the reason not coming home too early. I loved being in college simply cuz I could finally socialise. Even though my social skills were not the greatest. I have social anxiety disorder to this day.
I started work part time where there were other adults like myself but I was still livin at home in my (detail removed by moderator). I felt safe at work. But I was still not allowed and always questioned when I finished late (detail removed by moderator)  cuz everyone went for a drink (detail removed by moderator) . I met someone and became pregnant. Things only got worse cuz I was meeting this man now. It was time for me to run away from home. Not because I was abused sexually at early age but at the time I was emotionally and verbally abused by my step father. It disgusted me to think about the abuse so I tried to ignore and forget about it forever.

I moved out had my son. I was too scared as a single young mother to raise a child on my own. My mam started seeing us (detail removed by moderator). I was desparate for help. I was also obsessed about finding the truth when my sons father was cheating at the time. My mother offered to take my son to her house so I was able to get some sleep. It was biggest mistake of my life. I was so close minded and was never allowed to talk about shameful things so always kept it to myself. Where I should have told my mother no to a lot of things today cuz I thought she was always right. I thought my son would be safe cuz he’s a boy. I never knew why a pedophile was. I always thought it was only girls that it was me.

I went back home to mothers place to visit with my son. I made peace with my step father. I left my son with him when I wanted some free time. I was depressed and obsessing over my sons dad that everything else on my mind was blurry. Thought my son was safe. Cuz my brother was always upstairs in the house. But he was actually (detail removed by moderator).he was barely out of his room.
Only now I understand the reasons he the way he is. Unsociable and addicted to internet.
I went to get my son one day and always thought why are they playing these ridiculous games. My step father was always playing with him. I always thought it was strange. Then I walked into the room only to see any others nightmare. My son was only a toddler. I hated myself still do to this day for being so stupid words can’t describe. I never went back there. I told my mam what I saw she didn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell that he done exact same to me when I was small. Next time (detail removed by moderator) she asked to bring my son there again. I told her please watch him I thought he was safe (detail removed by moderator) . Few weeks later I thought to myself why couldn’t I just say it all out loud and say no to my mam that my child won’t be there again. I always had to twist the truth or whatver I said to her. I couldn’t say straight up no he’s seacually abusing. We never went back there. My mother now only comes up to our place to visit. My sons still in (detail removed by moderator)  school now and to this day cannot ever forgive myself for being so dumb and scared scared to stand up for myself and my son. I hate myself to this day that I let this happen. There’s no words to describe how guilt ridden and rotten I feel that I couldn’t protect my son.
Thinkin back to the past where my brother was a toddler I didn’t see anything happening. Only few short memory that at the time I thought very weird how my stepfather (detail removed by moderator)  with myself for how stupid I was not protecting them. The pain and guilt and shame I feel is unbearable. Since I started talkin to therapist. I could never even tell them about my son. Even to my own therapist I feel ashamed for how stupid i was.
I don’t know how to deal with this pain and disgust that I feel inside me. I feel like I deserve this pain. I would (detail removed by moderator) if I didn’t have to stay and protect and raise my son until he’s old enough to protect himself..

[Watersprite]

Welcome! I’m so sorry what you have been through. None of this is your fault. He is an abusive sexual offender. He did it and you are a protective mum who has done her absolute best. They are cunning evil monsters. Your son needs you and always will. You can get both of you through this but will need support. There is support here be brave tell your counsellor if she is worth her salt she will have compassion which is what I feel for you. There is also here women’s aid GP NAPAC NSPCC and victim support samaritans. He needs reporting when you can to police lovely. You could report anonymously through social services if he has access to any other children. Shove that shame and guilt right back to him – you have not done this he did and you are not alone x*x

[Facepalm]

Thank you so much for your response it means a lot

[Lisa]

Hi Facepalm,

I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that Watersprite has given really good advice. You are not to blame for the abuse, you’re not stupid and you don’t deserve this pain. I understand how awful this must feel for you, so please try to reach out for as much support as you can.

You can speak to children’s social services as they are there to help keep your son and other children safe, the NSPCC can also give you support and advice. If you also speak to Rape Crisis, they can signpost you to a local sexual abuse service who can support you both through this. Your therapist will understand that it’s not your fault if you choose to open up. It’s really important that you both get support with this to help you to move forward.

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[Eggshells]

You can’t change the past but you can steer the future. You are protecting your son now and you must continue to do that.

Helping yourself by getting dome counselling is vital. Be honest about what has happened to your son. Also, please talk to someone about working out what is the best way forward for him now. Even though he was do young, he may have some memories of the abuse that he’ll need to work through with a professional.

Please report to the police. They may not be able to prosecute for what he did to you and your son but the will check his computer. They are likely to find images and participation I’m online chat rooms for pedophiles. It will be enough to put him safely behind bars and get him on the sex offenders register.

Other children will be suffering abuse at his hands right now. Whether it’s looking at images of children being abused or whether he’s abusing online. Please stop him from doing this to any more children and report him to the police.

[Facepalm]

Thank you means a lot

[ISOPeace]

Facepalm my heart goes out to you. You have endured unbelievable suffering. I found it hard to read so I can only imagine how hard it must be to experience.

I don’t know whether you would feel able to read about how abusers operate. I realise it could be too triggering for you. Please know that abusers (of both children and partners) groom and manipulate their victims. He brainwashed you from a very young age so that he could abuse you. The shame and guilt is part of that brainwashing. I’m not trying to minimise your feelings, because I know they are real. But the feelings are there because he needed you to feel that way. You have done nothing to deserve what happened, but you believe that to be true because he brainwashed you. You can’t underestimate how cruel, manipulative and clever abusers are. They do what they need to do to be able to continue the abuse. How could you as a child possibly have defended yourself against his manipulation? Children are programmed to trust their carers because that has mostly worked well for humans. Evolution didn’t give us a plan B for when the “carer” is abusive. He knew how to manipulate a child and that is what he did.

I would think it likely that he also groomed and manipulated your mum so that he could abuse you and your son. Knowing how abusers manipulate their partners, it would, sadly, not surprise me if he used similar tactics to pull the wool over her eyes.

Please remember that this grooming and manipulation is also responsible for what happened to your son. It is clear from what you say that you did not expect it to happen and you expectations will have been shaped by the brainwashing. You did not knowingly put him at risk and you have taken action to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You have done your best. I understand that as a mother it is very difficult to not blame yourself and I know you can’t just switch your feelings off. But please know that the guilt/shame is what allows abuse to continue. It doesn’t keep anyone safe. So when you are ready, letting go of those feelings is the right thing to do. Feeling like you should be punished is the product of your abuser making you feel like it is your fault. It is absolutely not your fault, it is 100% his fault. So please don’t think that punishing yourself is for the best or that it will help. They best way to keep you, your son and other children safe is to allow yourself to heal and forgive yourself for doing the best you could under impossible circumstances. When you are not under the spell of shame and guilt, you will feel stronger and be able to see things more clearly.

Your abuser robbed you of your childhood but you don’t have to let him rob you of the rest of your life. I know it won’t be easy but healing is possible.

I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. I can assure you that a good therapist will know that none of this is your fault and will not be judging you. I know that is hard to accept when you are judging yourself. Well done for reaching out here. It is an incredibly supportive place and I know I’ve got a lot of strength from it.

Sending lots of love and hugs and strength for your healing journey. You deserve love and happiness as much as any other person. xxxxx

[Facepalm]

Thank you so much for your effort to reply it means so much. I ve never talked about this to anyone even anonymously feels like I ve told the world now.

The reason I can’t tell the therapist is cuz I only opened up about it recently and thought it was too soon that they asked me would I give them the name and report it. I obviously want that person to go to jail n never come back. It was the toughest thing to talk about after so many years. But whenever I see any pictures of my son when he was younger it kills me, the thought that I let it happen how I could have prevented it if I wasn’t too scared or just being able to say no to people and stopped being a people pleaser. Little did I know at the time. My son is still very young. I just hope he doesn’t remember anything. But I’m doing my best to be as close as possible with my son so we would be able to talk about to everything when he grows up. My mother still doesn’t know. I don’t know how to tell her. What she ll feel will be for the rest of her life. It kills me. I ve reported the person now right after I wrote this post. what if the only way she finds out is through when police shows at their house. Would she be even more hurt cuz I couldn’t tell her. The guilt and shame she ll have to live with now knowing me n possibly my brother and my son have been sexually abused right in front of her eyes by the person shes in love with.. She not so young anymore. I feel so much pressure right now with healing myself and knowing that it will all be out in the open

[Watersprite]

Wow – you are really an amazing woman and mum.
By speaking up you have protected others and been so brave by telling these deeply personal things you have shone a light in dark corners and that is where secrets hide. You are the light. You have been through the worst yet still you shine and you have so done the right thing. Your son will be fine he is safe and has you. Services are available to work with you and him. My family have been massively helped by social services and domestic abuse worker. The police will do their thing and it won’t be easy but you know you have done everything right whatever the outcome. Your mum is not your responsibility and yes her world will be turned upside down but NONE of this is your doing and she has her own healing path to follow. I’m genuinely amazed how far you’ve come in such a short time. I can relate to much of what you say can’t say much as high risk have however got children and we have got through similar and it’s been hell but we are coming out the other side and the future looks changed but brighter and you will do this too. Shame and guilt something I also still really struggle with I keep trying to push it back to where it belongs. You are not alone x

[Eggshells]

The shame and guilt aren’t yours to bare Facepalm. You have protected your son from the moment you understood what was happening. It’s very easy to see clearly with hindsight. This website is full of women who can see it all, with hindsight, including me.

These men are extraordinarily manipulative and they pray on people when they are at their most vulnerable. He made you vulnerable.

If you continue to feel this guilt, it could form a barrier and a distance between you and your son. Please try to discuss this with your counsellor.

Just try to focus on you and your son for now. Don’t worry about your Mum at the moment, she’ll have to find her own coping methods just as you have done.

Cuddle your little boy, play with him, love him. Make the most of him whilst he’s still little. Don’t let your stepfather spoil even one more precious moment from you. Hopefully, he’ll soon be behind bars and out of your life altogether. xx

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