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In fact, come to think about it, it has gone on for years…
What a fool I am.
A mixture of all the tactics, if that is what I should call it.Do these men feel so little? Does my husband have a disorder of some sort, like Aspergers Syndrome, or a total lack of empathy (what ever this is due to), a personality disorder, a total absence of depth of character or profoundness, an incapacity to communicate, or goodness what else I can think about, or is he enjoying watching me react, be it through my own silence, my reactions and lack of reactions (for I do not know what to do anymore so I do the same as him now and ignore he exists), or my sudden overflow when I can’t take it any more and I have to ask if he finds this situation normal…to which he replies more utter rubbish that doesn’t make sense.
Honestly, do you really think he knows what he is doing? Do men like him play with us knowing full well what they do? Is this what I have to look forward to when all my kids have flown the nest and I am left on my own with him eventually?
I go to bed really late, I am in bed of course round about 11pm like most people but I cannot sleep, and I wake up so early having gone to bed with him on my mind and waking up with him still on my mind. It is exhausting. I have a knot in my throat everyday, it is becoming painful, my voice goes at times, my throat seems to go really dry all of a sudden and then I can’t speak, it takes me by surprise most times. Or I choke easily. At times when it is really bad, I can’t swallow my food or liquids out of the blue and it is as if I had forgotten how to swallow, that frightens me so much.
What is wrong with him????????? And when I dare to speak or I cannot stand it any more and I do say something, he comes up with such utter rubbish, a bundle of contradictions that reminds me of all the situations and arguments we have had, especially over the last year or so, where I have slowly learned to recognise domestic abuse and the realisation is crescendoing so much that I can now anticipate every one of his replies… I am so well trained I can finish his sentences or voice what he is about to say to me, it is so predictable…
I saw a post recently about couples counselling, goodness knows what a counsellor would think about us and our explanations…!
I once said to some people that my friends feed me in 5 minutes what he couldn’t feed me in decades of marriage : empathy, companionship, togetherness, interest, sharing, the list goes on. I end up thinking I live two realities, the one I live with him and the one that seems so powerfully sublime yet out of my reach with other people, because he makes my normal life with other people (a form of isolation) seem totally false, and by that I mean I crave being with people and I crave truly enjoying discussing, sharing, participating, but those moments are tainted by this deep resentment, helplessness I feel…It is a form of exacerbation, a nervousness, a hidden hurt I express with an effervescent personality, a warmth that indicates a deep troubled mind, I want to express what truly goes on in my mind but I can’t because it is not appropriate. I want to burst and tell everyone I am going crazy with him, he makes me sad and lonely, I want to tell everyone how unhappy I feel with him. That’s my reality behind every word I exchange with people…I think people can sense something is wrong.
Instead of that we are, my children and I, totally isolated from every opportunity most other families enjoy : friends for dinner, relatives visiting, group outings, clubs, meals out, holidays, we basically live in total isolation and he has no friends. I feed my craving for real life outside of this house when I go out with who ever still wants to be with me. My friends don’t come any more, my neighbour keeps an eye on me and her personal circumstances allow her to go out with me but she avoids my husband and feels awkward when she bumps into him in my house. My kids go out to find normal life outside of these walls, they keep busy but you can tell they don’t truly enjoy their life, their dad is bizarre and they must somehow know it like I do. We hide our true feelings to one another…No one really speaks about it except my younger daughter who expresses her feelings to me.
My younger son sees a male role model from our local domestic abuse services, he goes out with him for walks but that gentleman doesn’t speak to me, most times they both go out and I don’t even know he has arrived to pick my son up. Life is a whirlwind with me in the centre of it, lost, while the whole lot goes by uncontrolled, with people like Social Services and the domestic abuse services hovering over the ”shananigans” of our family, I don’t know if either of them can make sense of what goes on in my house.I certainly don’t, surrounded as I am by this silent treatment he imposes on me.
But like I wrote at the beginning of my post, come to think of it, it has been like that for much longer than I thought. It is so weird.Am I big headed to say I think I have always been the heart of this family, the ”provider of feelings”, the expresser, the organiser, the one who tries to bring happiness and warmth and a smile and a laugh…?
I truly don’t know what to think any more, his silent treatment is killing me slowly, day by day. So I double my effervescence in this unreal life and I must sound and act like a crazy woman…I crave life, real life, the one when later on in your retirement years you look back on with a haaaaaaaa of satisfaction to think you did your best and that love made you live for real…
Does that make sense to any of you, for I sure don’t know where I am heading right now!
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Hi Bridget, I recently put a post on here, its called Coping with abandonment/the silent treatment. My ex’s main weapon was the silent treatment, he used it always to punish me and it could go on for any period of time. I never knew what I had done wrong. I did loads of reasearch at the time on this and kept those links, you may find it helpful. X
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It is abuse and it is harmful. It is a toxic environment for you and your children and will make you physically ill. My H would go quiet for days…….it was madness. When I look back…I used to try and try to remedy things. Nothing worked.
He knew it was hurting me. But, as he told me when we separated back a few years back and we sold our house in the old town….”I thought you were indestructible” H actually said this to me! He thought I was indestructible….so I suppose that means he could hurt me and I would be OK. He was shocked when I left the sold home and lived in the rented with son and daughter.Is there something wrong with him? Yes. Who knows what? Narcissit – likes to put the little woman in her place. Some people cannot function unless they put all their garbage on you. Then off they go merry as can be…free.
Whatever the issue….the best thing you can do is say…..what I said to my H….”As I annoy you and we don’t get on at all…I am off” So many times my H told me to F….off. I told him “One day I will F…off” and he would say “Well go then”, But they are always shocked when we take them at their word. Look, he needs to be on his own. He doesn’t want to talk to you. he is an idiot. He is a horrible man you have no respect for and probably don’t even like. (if you are anything like me). Don’t feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for yourself and your kids. You don’t have to divorce. Just tell him you are living on your own from now on. Or if he is violent…just prepare and leave the house. Better to be poor for a while and without him around. he doesn’t deserve a family. And he needs to learn a few lessons.
My H wants me to live with him full time in our old town. But I only see him few days a week. Rest of time he lives with his parents and works. My H had a shock and did change for the better. but he left it too late. Bank account of love was empty. One day you just have enough. They take and take and take till there is nothing left and you look at that pathetic man and think….”what a horrible person he is”. You are realising. He is what he is. that’s it. Only God can change him….WITH his consent. But these people don’t want ANYONE changing them. They like being nasty and its their wicked hearts.
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‘The Silent treatment’ hurts. That’s why abusers use it as one of their tactics. It feels awful to be ignored and to be on the receiving end of a hostile look but no words being uttered. It would mean feelings of unease for me.
My abuser mum used it with me as part of the abuse cycle. It would send me ‘mad’. I would beg and plead with her to speak to me. I broke down at school with a teacher , sobbing’ my mum hasn’t spoke to me in weeks’. I blocked that one out, but my friend’s remember clearly my distress.
My father would beg her to speak to me (this was at 14yrs of age).
My abuser mum probably loved the feeling of control it gave her. Abusers love to hurt and upset us and for our lives to become unmanageable and for THEM to be the centre of our thoughts. The ‘Silent Treatment’ as used by my mum did that to me. Worked perfectly for her, with very little effort, all she had to do was stop speaking and then watch me flounder.
The ‘Silent Treatment’: Minimum effort, maximum effect. A favourite with the abusers.
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That’s terrible Love of no contact.
What a way to treat a daughter.
It says more about them then about you. They are sadistic in a way. To watch you suffer. It shows a very ruthless and hard heart. Which is why you got to be firm back. Have your lines and don’t let them be crossed. Hubby used to do silent treatment. I liked it. Him shut up instead of moaning and complaining and yelling. But it was upsetting at first. And lying in bed next to someone who gets as far away from you as possible is difficult. Difficult to sleep. These people are just idiots. Its them. some people are nice. some are horrible. We just got stuck with the horrible ones because they lured us into their webs. big horrible, hairy spiders luring us in. But there is a way out. See the Spider for what it is. it aint changing into a butterfly! xx
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My ex would say I gave him the silent treatment. He would go mad with me for not responding or not speaking to him. But he could get madder if I said the wrong thing so keeping quiet was the less gruelling, I was literally scared of saying or doing the wrong thing most of the time.
I would keep it bottled up until he attacked me with critisism and I’d get so mad at the hipocracy and he was already angry with me so I felt I had less to loose.
I know my communication isn’t great.
When I did complain about his treatment he’d say can I just ask if it’s the time of the month? He never considered I had a reason to be angry with him other than my hormones. Or taking it out on him when someone else had upset me. -
I think with the silent treatment this is a deliberate form of punishment designed to cause distress to the person on the receiving end. Designed to put the abuser into the superior position and the victim feeling anxious, stressed and at a loss. I would so love to see my ex now (i’ve had full on deliberate silent treatment for months) I would stick my fingers up to him tell him to Eff off and how much i’m not suffering as he thinks that I am. X*X
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Wow. I was reading through this at first thinking at least I’ve never been ignored. Then I remembered all the times my dad would go quiet because he wasn’t getting his own way. I would try and talk to him, but his eyes were trained on something else and I would end up walking out of the room, annoyed. He would do it to my mum too. And especially when he was wrong but wanted to be right all the time. Like I would always accept when I was wrong. If anyone dared say anything to my dad like, you haven’t understood me, listen again…. He would go crazy. Like how dare you say he misunderstood. No he understood everything and he’s mad as hell. That angry look he would have on his face scared me all through childhood right into adulthood. It still shocks me to realise these things. All these little things I thought didn’t matter, but they all add up to something.
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My own father used to call me names and still does, then my mum tells me “he likes you” as a way to excuse his attitude as a means to make me see sense.
So I feel let down by my own mum.If I disagree with him or I try to change the subject of conversation, he tells me I am an imbecile, and worse. All I try to do is to speak about nicer things than politics and make my expensive travel abroad to see my parents worth it. Otherwise I come back exhausted and depressed.
So I don’t go there much anymore and I rarely phone either.My husband doesn’t share information, walks round the house dragging his feet, doesn’t speak, doesn’t offer to make things work, to help, then he will start sorting some stuff as a proof he is participating but he chooses what he wants to do. Should I indicate where help is needed, I get the anger flaring up.
I do most things alone now. It means it is too much for me and I can’t keep up. It kills my passions, drags me down.My brother does the same as your dad, then looks at me in mocking mimicks, then talks as if he was the helper if the century…contradictory, confusing.
He is now a stranger to me.Oh well…that’s life for me!
I am now doing what my husband does, I stay silent too. I can’t be bothered, it is not worth it. Let’s play too.
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My younger brother was starting to go the same way as my dad. He learned that going silent works too. I don’t even think he realised what he was doing. I don’t know to be honest. I’m just glad I got out. But whenever I speak to anyone in my family, it’s like I left for no reason. They make me feel like I didn’t have to leave. But I know I did.
I really wish you the best Bridget. I know it’s not easy.
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