The silent treatment I don’t know who I used to be anymore

[Rainbowcloud]

So he’s been having these pains lately and is very concerned he got up really upset and cried to me about it. His moods are unbearable to live with so bad. We had to go out and he wouldn’t speak to me and I hit my foot off a concrete step in sandals and he looked so mad because I embarrassed him. I can’t wxpress myself happiness sadness etc not safely he seems angry all the time at anything I do.
He poured his heart out to me this morning then gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day he said it was because I went in the shop and got myself a drink and left him out earlier which I didn’t do on purpose at all he was in another shop and i assumes he was buying one himself. I apologized and offered to go and get him a drink and he just went off on a rant saying he bought me food last night etc then refused to speak all day. I’ve been ill all week I’ve had an infection he hasn’t once asked how I’m feeling and if I’m ok everything is about him.
I can’t cope with the moods I never smile or laugh we don’t have any good times now because he’s took it out of me that much I’ve got nothing to give to him I’m still kind but I’m not fun how can he think this is all ok and normal is not it’s miserable I’m so depressed in my life .

[Rainbowcloud]

I want him to go so badly and now he’s saying he’s ill and has this pain that isn’t going away and thinks he’s got something serious so if I’m left him now imagine that. How can I live like this forever I actually just can’t I will just be a body walking around with no emotions it’s lkek I’ve witnessed a tragic accident and I’m shell shocked all the time it’s scary feeling like this

[Woollymammal]

Hi Rainbowcloud..
You could have just described myself above, and I am experiencing the same.. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not.. but if you are genuinely I’ll, they seem to have an illness too.. it’s like they don’t want the to give you any sympathy, so it’s turned around so they get it from you instead.. the tables are always turned again knowing you are kind and caring and will still give sympathy to them regardless of your genuine illness..
I like you feel guilty still, only the odd time now..And was always questioning..
But a safeguarding lady told me not long ago.. Always remember that whatever they do or say, or act towards you it is part of the n**********c and whom they are..
So those words stuck with me..
Whatever he says, whatever he says is wrong with him.. whenever he is Mr nice guy..
I say her words to myself.. it’s all a lie to make us stay..
Remember how he reacts to your illness, nothing, remember how he’s treated you right up to now..
He does not deserve anymore of you.. you deserve to be you, as I do too..
It’s all an act to keep you..
Look after you now and leave safely and plan with WA for a safe exit..
Sending hugs xx

[fizzylem]

Oh RC, I can remember feeling just as you are now, your words could have been my words. I question whether his pain is even real tbh, or is it another tactic for control, does he think it gives him license to talk to you however he likes, I’m ill it’s your job to take it off me? Because I feel NO it does not. Illness is not an excuse to be abusive. Yes we all have an off day and might kick the person next to us; but when one day rolls into many this is not ok and not right.

My friend put up with this for years because he had MS, felt terrible about wanting to leave so much so that she put it out of her mind and believed I just need to suck it up. It went on for over 20 years! She did leave him in the end, I was so pleased for her – she really started to live life after that, do all the things she’d wanted to do for years – and no one judged her, well, no one worth mentioning anyway. Yes he died alone many years later, she took pity on him and even tried to befreind him a few times but he rejected her, guess that made it better for her really – her conscience was free – not that she anything to feel guilty about.

You simply cant live when you are in a miserable, abusive relationship – and we only get one life. When I left I never regretted leaving him, I only regretted how long I put up with him x

[Rainbowcloud]

You are so right both of you . When I’m ill he does not care ever he shouts at me for being ill I e got an inner ear disorder and get vertigo attacks he knows about this but Acts like my condition doesn’t exist and I can’t stand up and walk when I have an attack strsss can also bring on an episode and I’ve told him this.
I feel just deflated I feel fine I’ve never felt this bad but nothing helps now even when he’s being nice he bought me new bedroom stuff yesterday but even argues on me in the shop about what to buy and I don’t give opinions as their always shot down anyway. Hen he threw it in my face today that he took me for dinner and got us bedroom stuff no he got himself new bed stuff I just happen to sleep there as well.
I wish I could leave but I can’t my life is here the kids lives I’m trapped he won’t go and I’m scared of what to do I wish he would just go maybe I can be myself again then. He keeps going on about this head pain and how he’s scared he’s got something sinister my life is now revolving around this headache as well I do give him empathy but he’s using at as reason to be more abusive which isn’t fair. So sick of being nice to him u get nothing back at all anyway even when he’s buying me stuff and being nice I don’t trust it one little bit he turns on everyone behind their back of course and is nice to their face.

[Rainbowcloud]

I need to just find the strength to make him leave the house and really mean it and follow it through he lives a lie to everyone no one knows what he’s like behind closed doors

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Rainbowcloud, I really feel for you. I was living like this for a long time and your words brought it all back. The silent treatment is so awful.
No matter how much love and energy you pour in, no matter how you try and change or placate him, it wont stay good for long. In the end I got sick.
It is hard to get them to leave . If you can get some support from Womens Aid, and from your GP, and plan and gather your strength because it is hard to leave and also dangerous.
I have more time, energy and money now that I am not with him. Having to always be tuned in to him and all the drama was exhausting . Now I just focus on me and my children.
He will try and cause problems but with the good supports you can still live a nice, peaceful, healing life and be free.
Thinking of you
Apricotpoppy

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou so much for replying to me I don’t feel any better mentally this morning . I have this dark cloud over me 24.7 every hour of the day now he’s made me like this. I went to the doctors the other day as I wasn’t well I wanted to tell him how bad I felt but he seemed to rush the appointment and I didn’t say anything I want to tell someone and cry my eyes out at how bad I feel but I never do it’s hard to hold it in and go to work and act normal all the time .
I went up to bed and he was trying to speak and be nice he blanked me for the whole day and wouldn’t talk and then he wants to talk again my punishment is over no Thankyou . I just rolled over and went to sleep. He has no idea how to love another person or be there for them. Since he ran upstairs and attacked me a few weeks ago I’ve been worse since then anyway . Maybe I wkkk tell someone today how bad it is for me .

[fizzylem]

Google the CPS page on ‘coercive and controlling behaviour and the law’ – there’s also a good pdf on coercive behaviour on the Rights for Women page, I’m thinking we need to help you gather some strength xx

[diymum@1]

i think you need to – i got ill with his abuse just like your going through. sometimes i was walking the streets with my daughter and dog because we didnt want to go home in the end. what it boils down to is abuse makes us physically ill ( i believe when were mentally strong the stress comes out in a physical way) i have a chronic condition now because of what he did – when i hear his name or hear anything related to him my joints flare like pulse. nothing else is the catalyst for this just him. what a horror. what i wanted to say too is (for him)abdo pain is fairly normal normally constipation tbh its not sign of cancer – abusive men can be real hypocondriacs. its all the victim card. i can see that he sounds highly entitled superior and uses the you owe me card – no mate actually i dont. you need support to get out of this i know i did. call womens aid they aare lovely that the first step, take care sending a hug

much love diymum

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