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We weren’t married, and I’ve never had any children but me and my ex-partner were running a business together which was the trap. I’m thinking there is always a trap in some form to allow for long term domestic abuse?
He was always rude, abusive, threatening and violent towards me. I first identified myself as a victim of domestic abuse when he viciously attacked me at home. I really wanted to go to the police at this point but I decided to try to deal with it myself. I showed my ex my badly bruised body and I told him that if he ever did anything like that again I would call the police. He wouldn’t look at me at first, but I made him and he confirmed that he heard what I said.
Even though I gave him a warning eventually it happened again. Not as vicious, but still an assault. I atomically called the police because I had already put this procedure in place. This is when the real suffering began.
When he was arrested he took the company bank card which I normally use to pay the wages. Even though the company bank account is in his name I was in charge of payments and we jointly owned the company. When he was released on bail I asked him to sign a bank mandate to add me on as a signatory so I could pay everyone’s wages. He said he couldn’t sign anything until he spoke to a lawyer and that he would be drawing out money to pay for them. I told him that if he used money that we jointly own then his lawyers would then half belong to me causing a conflict of interest. I later found out that’s exactly how he funded his law team against me.
He moved into a council flat right across the road from the house that we were renting in my name only. After he refused to sign the bank mandate I had no choice but to sack him as company director. I didn’t have the guts to tell him and anyway the bail conditions were no contact. It came as a shock to him because he didn’t realise I was the senior share holder which meant he had no voting rights to stop me. He totally lost the plot in the bank when he found out.
Now with no money, no business and a bare empty council flat he had nothing to lose. I didn’t want the business and with the bank account emptied to pay for his lawyers it was going to go bust and I didn’t want or could afford the time to liquidate. All I wanted was a clean break and quickly. Luckily he really wanted the business so I asked the police to amend the bail conditions so I could talk to him on a business only basis. They reluctantly did this as they knew I had a legal duty towards the company and I couldn’t just walk away.
I told my ex either buy my half of the company or I would close it down. He consults his lawyers and then unleashes a load of threats. He does everything he can to threaten and bully me into telling the CPS that I will not cooperate with them and his laywers are now guiding him on how to intimidate me to help him get let off, even operating on an emotional level crying that he may go to prison.
I had to talk to him to negotiate a sale but he used it as a way to get to me. My mum said that if I back down and the CPS don’t win the case as a result they will be less likely to help me in the future putting me further in danger. I know I can’t do anything but stand my ground which what I did. He made my life living hell during this time.
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Quickly after, his brother agreed to buy my shares and to become the new business partner and investor. He was very reasonable and even agreed to the company helping me move house as a good will gesture. I had been keeping an empty flat 200 miles away as a bolt hole because I have been homeless before in my life so I made sure it will never happen again. Suddenly everything looked like it was going to work out until my ex told me that he had already drilled the locks on my flat and moved a 6month assured tenant in there at (detail removed by moderator) even though he had no rights to the flat! I totally lost the plot and I guess he got me back for sacking him.
I called the police and reported another case of domestic abuse. I threatened to back out of the sale of the business if the tenant didn’t leave. His brother managed to smooth out the situation in the end and I moved in to my flat with their help. I got my ex to sign a settlement agreement and everything was as amicable as it could be.
I guess I stood up for myself in the end.
After all this I was helping his brother with the business during the transitional period as a goodwill gesture. Strangely he started to describe the same problems he was having with my ex. He had received about 40 calls in one day from my ex asking him to do things he could just do himself. My ex now was starting to drive his new business partner mad just like he had done with me. I was thinking he may have a personality disorder that extended beyond a domestic situation. He was always obsessed with watching me working, even when I was mowing the lawn he would stand at the window watching me. Probably he is just very overly controlling. He brother told me no he just hurts the people he loves.
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Gosh you really were put through hell with him. So glad you survived it. Keep reading the posts on here and share as you need, it will help you with healing from that very traumatic experience.
His brother is right, they hurt the people they love because the abusers get a kick from another person’s distress. Its very warped. Now he probably hurts strangers too but he wouldn’t get as much as feeling of Power as he would with someone he is close to (as the person with the familial/intimate partner bond would be more upset). I was married to someone for years who got kicks out of my hurt, upset, worry and fear which he always instigated.
That’s very helpful to me that part of your abuser’s behaviour you describe where he would stand at the window watching you. My abuser did that so much too. And I’m working with a few bullies at the moment and they regularly do that. Its very innerving to feel their eyes on me as I pretend I don’t notice but I am aware that they are standing staring at me. My bully-boss did it regularly when I was new to the job. I know now she was trying to intimidate me. Also they are probably surveying their prey, like the lion staring down the gazelle from the bushes.
It really helps to hear others’ experiences. Thank you for sharing yours although I’m sorry you had to suffer so much. Please keep sharing your thoughts and insights.
Knowledge is Power and awareness is what sets us free and both help us heal.
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