The subtle art of domestic violence – no hitting but everything else

[Lionking]

He doesn’t do anything that bad (in his opinion) but I have normalised his behaviour for too long.

I tried to help when our (detail removed by Moderator) year old (detail removed by Moderator) woke in the middle of the night the other night. I messaged him with questions, suggestions and support that he was doing great because she was screaming loudly and not responding well to him. They have a great relationship but she needs extra support at times.

He had a go at me,telling me not to patronise him.

(detail removed by Moderator), he went out and when he came back I brought it up again and reassured him I wasn’t being patronising and I was genuinely trying to help. He had a go at me again and was rude, critical and angry.

I stood up for myself and wouldn’t let it go which he hates.

I went to bed and he tidied the house but in a rage. Throwing my things (I recorded this on a monitor), loudly banging etc. He ripped a new (detail removed by Moderator) that I bought into two pieces and threw it in the bin (I found it (detail removed by Moderator)).

I told him this was abuse. Thrashing around the house and breaking my things.

I told him I wouldn’t put up with it anymore and I’ve normalised it for years.

He has ignored me so far (detail removed by Moderator) and taken two of our kids to hus (detail removed by Moderator) house. I’m dreading him coming home and have asked him to go and stay somewhere else (detail removed by Moderator) and reevaluate things.

He has never actually hit me (he knows I would walk in an instant if he did). But unfortunately he does other subtle things that mean I’m less likely to walk: push me, throw water on me, spit on me, pull my hair.

I dont know why I didn’t walk years ago.

I don’t understand how I’m here and how I ever let anyone do those things to me.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he doesn’t need to hit you, he is using other tactics to abuse you, the spitting, pulling your hair pushing you are all DV whether he accepts that or not that is what he is doing and it is totally on him.. it can be confusing as my ex also didn’t hit me, he would barge past me (knock me flying), he would puff up.at me and get in my face (my husband was quite big, muscular so much stronger than me) but..he didn’t hit me… he did all the other stuff, controlling, financial abuse, lies, mood swings, so aggressive, sexually demanding as he said it meant we still loved each other and it is how he shows his affection!…
Your husband will never take responsibility for his actions, abusers will blame anyone/everything else…
It is good that you see the abuse, once you see it you can’t unsee it… keep a journal of the abuse if you can as it can help you see the abuse pattern.. I was with my abusive husband for far too many years (decades!) … nearly divorced…it has taken me some years to start the rebuilding process, my self worth was on the floor, I didn’t know who I was anymore…. it is taking time but I am getting there and ny children as I are much calmer/happier then we were when their.dad was still at home..

Trust yourself and trust your gut
Do not trust a word he says to you as he will sense a shift in you
HFH ❤️

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