The things people say!

[Strongenough]

Recently I have been struggling with some comments made by friends. I know its not coming from a bad place and that unless you’ve been through a domestic abuse situation you don’t fully understand. BUT some comments made have really annoyed me.

“You just need to start getting on with your life, meet someone else”

“Were things really that bad when you were with him? That surprises me because your not a stupid person”

“Him constantly following you is stalking? I don’t see how when he doesn’t even talk to you”.

“Don’t you think because you keep reporting him to the police its making him angry and your getting it worse”.

“Oh have you got a new man” (when I dared to be at a social event with a work colleague).

I’m so done with all the judgement, the minimising what I’ve been through and still going through, and people being over concerned that I haven’t jumped into dating. Does anyone else ever experience this?

[Ariadne]

Hi @Strongenough,

Yes, I especially get people saying I should move on and meet new people, or saying things like I seem to like being hurt, or that I am smart for some things but not for others.
They will also tell me things like “I don’t know what to tell you anymore”, which just means that they are pretty much done with me talking to them about my situation.
That’s why this forum is so useful!

[Strongenough]

@Ariadne, “You seem to like being hurt” is really bad. People can be so inconsiderate, I’m really sorry that someone has said this nonsense to you. Agree about this forum, it’s the only place I can actually air my thoughts and feelings knowing that I will be received and understood by great women like you ❤

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Strongenough

So much do I get this! As I’m sure we all do to a degree.

Its really worrying how such a widespread problem is so poorly understood, still, by the public at large.

It is one of the key foundations of this forum in giving women a sense of sanity, of being understood, because despite being different perpetrators they’re all acting very similar tactics, and the responses from those around us all reflect the wider perspective on our situations, which in turn lead to further self-doubt and isolation.

There is such a strong pressure to be ‘with someone’, it feels personal, like if you’re not then others don’t understand you!

I’m glad, really glad, you raised these points, because its so easy for women to feel they are the odd, stupid, mad one when they continually get these messages about abuses suffered.

There will also certainly be those friends who simply cannot cope with hearing about it. It doesn’t mean they’re not your friend, just that this particular friend is not strong in this area. Picking the friends and/or family to share things with is vital to the response we get.

I disclosed something to a friend, a friend of so many years, and I never heard from them again. I think about it now and realise it was potentially too shocking for someone who’s never experienced such shocking abuse themselves, or is lucky enough to have never really heard what is normal life for some. That hurts, but doing things again I just wouldn’t have said that bit, but stuck to the bits that she’d pointed out to me when she did in fact think that things were off. She’d never said at the time, but went home and spoke to her own husband about it and cried with upset for me. So, she cared, a lot, but couldn’t cope with the extent of it, it was too much for her, and thats ok. Some are scared to hear this stuff, and horribly shocked, although it makes it harder for us to speak about, that doesn’t make them less of a friend.

There will be those who really can support with hearing the worst of the abuses, and understand, and there will be those who can’t, or won’t. You still need each other as friends. As with here 🙂

warmest wishes

ts

[iliketea]

Yep, definitely identify with this. It is really hurtful. Its made my world smaller but I feel happy with that for now. I’m still in healing mode anyway so feel safer in my own company and a few trusted people. I don’t talk about it much anymore with people because often I would get blanked, or they would avoid me, delete me on social media etc etc. Its small mindedness, its an inability to really understand, its fear often, its shame for not seeing it and helping, its so much to do with them, not you or me. Honestly, they can take a running jump…in the nicest possible way 😉
xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes! Things like ‘he wasn’t bad to us, always helpful’, ‘you’ve been together this long can’t you just carry on rather than throw it away’, ‘you know how to pick them’, that last one is such a throw away comment that we all say but when your brain is overthinking it can turn into a ‘you deserved this’. As you say people who haven’t lived our lives behind closed doors be seen the multiple versions of our partners can’t fully relate. As a bonus, it helped me worked out who my toxic ‘friends’ are and distance myself from them too.

[Strongenough]

Thanks for all your replies, I find each and every one such a supportive factor.🌈 Very cathartic to be able to out my feelings when I’ve been burying them for weeks, and every stupid comment has chipped away at me.

[HunkyDory]

Hi @strongenough I was out with some old friends the other week. One of them is a “big advocate” of preventing domestic abuse and constantly shares white ribbon posts on her social media. We were discussing a friend who we suspect might be in an abusive relationship and she said “she should just leave him” 🤦‍♀️ I said it’s not as easy as that. She quietened down because she knows I’ve been there and I know ! But yea folks who haven’t been through this (lucky them) really don’t understand it. 💕xx

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that people can’t cope with me saying that for my own safety, I’ll never be in a relationship again. Like its really offensive to say that there is no way to tell if a guy is going to hurt you until its too late. How very dare I?

[Author]

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