The Time It Takes

[StillSmiling]

I left my abusive relationship a while ago now. Due to the pandemic, it took quite a while for me to get treatment for PTSD, which I’m still recovering from. Just wondering if anyone else is on this long, long road out of dodge?

I’m at, according to the ‘trauma chart’, the stage of depression. And, the lows are quite something. I think what I find most challenging is the fact that I can’t talk to friends about what I’m going through. The general consensus is, “It’s over now, let’s just get on with things.” It seems like every time I reach a new stage of this thing, it triggers new challenges to overcome. It’s as isolating as being stuck back in the relationship (although I’m finally at the stage now where I do realise that nothing is EVER as bad as that – there are small wins).

I find that I just can’t talk about it either, partly because of the (lack of) police investigation and the CPS. Especially in the current climate. It’s just beyond me to try to explain to anyone why nothing was done. It still makes me feel angry, but I’m finding the ‘courage’ to allow myself to feel angry about the injustice and move on. Honestly, it still absolutely sucks, because my life should have value and what happened to me was a crime.

The last time I posted on here, I was still in the process of leaving. It’s taken me a long time to find my way back to start talking. I still feel quite a way from the new beginning, but I still have the one thing that carried me all the way through: hope.

[maddog]

You’ve done really well in leaving. Pat on the back!
Please remember that your responses to trauma are normal. People speak about flashbacks as though talking about lightening. I don’t think they’re like that. I’ve had moments of terror that I’ve been able to ground myself from. I’ve been trapped in days, weeks, and over my life, years of being trapped in the mad trauma capsule. I’m told that we can grow around our wounds. We can chip through these dreadful bubbles of trauma. With specialist trauma support, we can pop these horrible traps, put our feet on the ground, and with baby steps, move forward.

It’s never going to be fun living through a plague. It’s not a matter of political belief when there’s an abuser at the helm. It harms everyone.

[StillSmiling]

Thanks maddog. I love that idea of growing around our wounds, like nature reclaiming itself. It’s quite a beautiful thought to start the day with.

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