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She feels like she has been running and surviving her whole life.
It didnt start like this, she had no idea that this is what her life was going to entail after she married.She doesn’t sit in a puddle of self pity, the puddle would turn into a pool and she would most probably drown.
Abusers are predators, they toy with their prey before devouring. The process is bit by bit, picking away at it’s insecurities and swallowing their confidence up whole untill little is left but scraps.
She now feels like a ghost, a shadow of her former self.
She now question’s absolutley everything and everyone’s motives, trust is certanlly not given out easily.
The world has become a scary place for her.
Overshadowed and isolated by her abuser the abuse of course became normal.
They do say better the devil you know.
It became home to her. It was all she knew really, it was a sad existance, but walking on eggshells have kept her feet grounded. A smooth walk was not familliar to her, to her smooth is slippy.Now alone, the abuser has left her cage, he is still there though sat in the shadows holding onto a voodoo doll. He was not happy with taking her adult years from her and causing her excruciating pain, phsycally and emotionally. Oh no, he sits there poking and prodding away at the doll, she sits in the corner of her cage licking old wounds trying to recover, trying to make sense of everything.
A sensation of spikes plummet through her body and with every p***k and poke her soul continues to be tormented.
When will this pain and confusion end, will it ever ease, will it ever go away she wonders.She looks back, and is well aware she is’nt perfect, she grabs her face and shouts “who the hell is!”
What did she do wrong?… A good friend has an old saying, something about killing a robins nest. She knows she hasn’t done anything like that, but here is what she DID;She gave herself to him, in full submission and willing to make every aspect his life better.
She wanted to enhance his life, his happiness became her main focus, her goal actually.
She meant every word of their vows.
She gave him children, lots of them.
She litrally built a home with her own hands, kept it clean and tidy.
She shopped prudently, made sure the meals she made was made with love.
She carried everyone, like an elephant on a dinner plate, everytime she was clumsy and tripped up she made sure to say sorry and humbled herself before her abuser and her children, life wasn’t easy.
She allowed herself to be humiliated and disrespectednot only in her own home but in public frequently by her abuser..This is part of the conditioning she thought.
She kept telling herself how she is coping and how much of a stronger woman this will make her.
Blind like a child. This was all she knew.
It didn’t matter how many times people looked her way in parks and in other public spaces throwing her a frown or a raised brow when her abuser continually humiliated her openly and unapologetically.
She felt like a silly little girl, you know, getting told off for been obsurd then the shame set in shrinking her down a couple of feet smaller. Telling herself she will be a good girl next time a better girl, everything was of course all her fault, she made him behave like this.Her life felt out of control and the thought of fleeing this monster got, well kinda scary and overwhelming. He is this big scary man who acts and belives he has super powers.
He complained about money often, any mention of her getting a job was shut down instantly. She would have childish accusations thrown at her.
Being the working man played into his inner martyr, an idea of himself he often displayed. Her earning money would of course make her his equil, this is not something he would ever tollerate it was out of the question.
So she continued to circle the cage that had become home to her.She sits crumpled in the corner of her cage she is well aware of his presence and the voodoo doll he is still holding.
She shouts to him; ‘Why are you still tormenting me?’…
He sits there with only his outline to be seen, he lets out a loud roar of laughter, she is puzzled as to why he finds any of this funny. This entire escapade that she calls her marrage not to mention her adult life is filled with trauma it leaves a haunting pain in her chest, she can not breathe, she can not understand what is happening.
Hanging in there on knifes edge she covers her face. Please dont look at me she thinks, please dont let him see me! She then she realised her pain was giving him plesure.. actual euphoric pleasure!
This man is sick! Why on God’s earth would she want this man around herself let alone her children!Run how can she run?! She is trapped in this cage, it does not allow freedom it holds her back from almost anything and everything!
Amongst an ocean of other issues and emotions she has her old friend come to visit her; good old Imposter syndrome, she is a fraud, a liar, she thinks maybe it is her who has misinterpreted everything, this is all her fault!
She looks up to the sky and sees the birds flying totally oblivious to what is going on below, she is envious of them.She shouts again ‘why wont you just leave me alone? You dont want me, you treated me bad, I am in enough pain why do you want me to suffer more?… let it be’
He looks up, his outline becoming more visible to her, silently he stands and looks her way, his eyes are blue and electric but he does not look her in the eye, not for even a milli second! Wait a minute, she has been here before, she recognises that look. He is actually frightened of her! Like the little boys at school many moon’s ago when they used to pull her hair or throw her a sucker punch as they passed her in the classroom.
He is frightened of her! Of her intelligence, her beauty and the confidence he was once so quick to shoot down, and most definitely the first thing he was out to steal from her in the first place.
In the end looking at her, he is only reminded of her rejection toward him, a narcasistic collapse is what he is experiencing right now. A fool is what he looks like.Second nature to her, she has been living in survival mode her entire life, this said, it has served her well. She is the rabbit running from the fox she has had to think fast on her feet, plot routes and build new burrows. Deep down in the dark depths of the earth here she finds saftey and solitude.
She reflects and her reflections are those of the mistakes she has made, and the horrific experiences she has endured along the way.
Her children are now safe, she will sit by the opening of the new burrow keeping watch for predator’s, and protect them from anyone who poses a threat to them and to her.How long will she have to hibernate in this burrow is not something she knows right now. She often sees the sun splintering through the cracks of the earth, it all smells new.
She longs for the day she can climb out of her safe place and enjoy the rays of sun spilling upon her face. Her eyes are wide with a hyperawareness of her surroundings, looking in all directions to confirm the coast is clear she can then eventually reach down and lift her children out too. One day she says. One day.Her children often ask her; ‘has the fox gone yet?’ she can not guarantee anything she just keeps soildering through the trenches and continues to reassure them that all we be well.
She may be out of her cage but her abuser still lurks in dark places, watching, waiting ready to pounce like the predator he is.
The voodoo doll is his last bit of control and he isn’t afraid to use it.
One day she will steal the doll back and rip it to pieces!He does have a disadvantage though, a weakness; even the most ferocious of predators have no reason to look above, behind or side to side for potential dangers, he does not expect to be challenged.
Especially by a rabbit.
She is the she rabbit. -
Hi Runrabbit,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story in such an interesting and emotive way. I hope that you find the forum a safe space where you can get support from others who understand.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
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This is exactly how I feel right now, waiting for those cracks so I can jump out and enjoy life, moving on only for him to still manage to enact his control in some way.
Wondering why the life we built wasn’t enough for him, that he’s incapable of a normal life, that is wasn’t me all along.
Thank you for sharing
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I haven’t been on the forum for a few weeks but read your post yesterday and had to come back and reply today, your words are so powerful lovely they took my breath away. I agree with iliketea that this should be shared with others, the words will resonate with all that are going/ have gone through this. You’re such a gifted, special, beautiful woman, he hasn’t taken that away. The sunshine and light are just round the corner for you my darling and once it shines on you it will never darken again. Sending you so much love x*x
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Hi Twitcher.
I had a really bad day yesterday so I came back to read other participants posts and noticed the wonderful replies.
All of your support is like diamonds 💎 it means so much.
Unfortunately I am not on social media so I dont really know how I’d go about sharing it.
I have got other pieces I am planning on sharing in here though, I do hope it helps someone.
The support I received in the very beginning of my escape was provided by Womens Aid.. This organisation is absolutely priceless and I will be forever grateful to the two ladies I spoke to back in 2021.
I just wish I could do more.
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