Therapist thinks I should confront my partner

[TeaTeaTea]

Back in (detail removed by moderator) I was advised by Women’s Aid to get out and not let my partner know a thing. I’m not in any physical danger, my partner is emotionally abusive, but will sometimes rough play too far and try to whip with tea towels.

He’s recently expressed an intention to get me removed from our home, which I think is all talk, to be honest. My therapist thinks I should confront him about this. I think she feels that neither he or I want to be in this relationship and our daughter is caught in the middle. I making plans to leave – I have bought furniture and sent it to my mums house.

Any thoughts on confronting him?

Thank you.

[Tiffany]

Don’t do it. It will end up in an escalation of abuse. It sounds like your therapist has very little understanding about abuse. Call women’s aid and get some more advice.

[KIP.]

Women’s aid would not advise you to move out and not tell your partner unless you were in danger. You do not know if you’re in physical danger. None of us do with an abuser. Get out and get out safely quickly. Do not confront him. Change your therapist.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear TeaTeaTea

Agreed,do not confront him,and change your therapist as they are a risk to women suffering domestic abuse.

This therapist is shockingly ignorant of the potential harm she puts women at advocating this.

I know of a case where a woman maried for decades reached retirment and has decided to leave her husband who has never been physical with her, she was never scared of him, and she went back to the marital home to sign the final papers; a friend offered to go with her and she declined saying he wouldn’t hurt her,had never been physical,he murdered her.

This therapist is working outside of her knowledge and needs to be made aware of this.
She is lacking sufficient training and ignoring this lack of knowledge/training.

Contact WA again.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Rubyslippers]

long post alert! sorry!
I agree. my therapist told me not to spook my ex by allowimg him to know any of my plans as the mental cycle of abuse will increase.
word of warning now tho is that once you leave it is ni on impossible to get back. make sure you take any paperwork, personal posessions and anything you feel you wish to keep with u before he realises you are leaving. my ex changed the locks as soon as i left, and although this is illegal i was told it would be difficult for me to try to get back in for anything as would need his permission to enter. i therefore hoped that the court would help with this when it came to financial settlement, but no, they allowed him to bully me even then so he kept all that had been left there, and i didnt get a say.

I would seriously consider looking in to an order to get him out the property if you can. The court wont take the abuse in to consideration when he chooses not to attend any financial hearings and delays to the process. my ex was able to get away with not submitting papers on time, and didnt attend 3 court hearings and i was left to foot the bill for all this! and it took over 2 years to get a settlement and divorce!
no consideration was given to his behaviour so he was allowed to keep psychologically abusing me through the court system.
Make sure you get a good solicitor who will fight for you, as mine didn’t, and he got away with all his lies and abuse through the court system.
please protect yourself and your child before its too late, and try to get him removed if you possibly can. If u cant make sure you have taken all paperwork you would need to help further down the line.
wishing you luck and stay strong for you and your child. x

[Lisa]

Hi there,

I’m concerned that your therapist has given you really unsafe advice. Confronting someone that is abusive could be dangerous for you. It may be worth looking into specialist domestic abuse counselling.

Your local service may provide this. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Best Wishes
Lisa

[fizzylem]

Sounds like your therapist needs educating; if you discuss why not with her this could make her stop and think; but it will also help you to shape your thoughts and express why not – which I have found to be very helpful to me, the more I do it, the clearer it becomes what it is I actually want to say, can articulate myself better – if that makes sense.

You could ask her if she is familiar with domestic abuse and how much experience she has working in this area; then maybe decide together if it would perhaps be better to see someone else? I’m not saying she cant help, I’m sure in some ways she can, but if you want to get the most out of it then you really need to be working with someone who has a working knowledge / work experience of DA.

Realtionship counsellors with no expereince of DA, will automatically look at ways to try and resolve the conflict. They will assume good will and that you are both adults, rather than seeing that you have tried working with him adult to adult for a very long time and this simply does not work!

[Author]

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