Therapy for him (and my role in it)

[nayuki]

Hello there
We separated after I decided to go to Women’s Aid. It was part emotional, part physical but not severe on the physical side..
He decided to call Respect which is supposed to help him with a therapy. I know nothing about how these things work, been living in Britain for a few years. Is it possible that such therapy will help him or us? We have a child and I guess it’s only for the child’s sake, because he adores our daughter. But he wants us to be a family again. I don’t make any plans, I have hope in therapies in general but I’m scared that it will all come back after some time. They also told him that they will contact me as well but I don’t know anything about my role in all if this. I’m very confused.

[godschild]

Hi nayuki, Respect are a helpline for perpertrators of abuse. They recommend courses in differant parts of the country. Courses vary but often it is a group setting with abusive men, some are made to attend by the courts some go of their own accord
Thy try to get the men to see the effects of the abuse on you and your children, they challenge each other, some keep in touch with tthe victim and offer her some councelling and also some see how the abuser is behaving towards the victim and let her know how he is progressing.
It takes a lot for them to change , real hard work and some time to accomplish. They must be very very genuine in their wish to change
If your pepertrator is really serious about this and wants you and your daughter back, it may work if he really wants it to, some men do reform others only go because they are made to by courts and some juts want to get the Woman back and not seriously work at it, they seem to be progressing but once back they an start all over again with abuse
You can speak to respect yourself to see more about the course in your area.
You need to see very positive consistant change before allowing him back into the family and if he is serious about changing. Lundy Bancroft wrote a very good book called why does he do that, he lists in there what you will see if the changes are real and permanent, he runs one of these groups and is American but it gives a very good insight into how the men behave and what is neccesary for the change , don’t just take his word for it , see how it goes and if he really does want to change not just get you back. See if he is pressurising you to get back with him or allowing you the necessary time to see real change in him. Mine keeps making noises about calling respect but has not done so as yet and his hope is that they will tell him it is 50/50 and a marriage issue not his abuse, so his motivation is not sincere at present, Don’t be pressured by him, take care

[nayuki]

Thank you for replying
It’s still kind of hard for me to say what his reasons are. He does love our child, he has his issues as well. I’ll probably have to check the book you mentioned. On one hand he can act like he cares but on the other he’s just his old self. He loses his temper whenever something is not going on well. It’s not like he bursts with anger like he used to when we lived together but still it frightens me. He criticise me for doing some things wrong. He missed a lot of time with our daughter and when she has her usual toddler tantrums he overreacts. He’s not hurting me in any way now but even a few harsh words make me feel like his old self is back. I dint know what to expect from his therapy -:he seems to be interested in it but he’s always egocentric and it’s clear that he is most important for himself. He has his money problems and work issues and I feel a little sorry for him, but most of that is really his own fault. I don’t feel like he’s sorry for what he did to me even if he says so. There’s a long road ahead for him. And for me as well. I’ll wait and see.
We do talk about it , about things that happened but it feels like all he can do is talking. I don’t believe in love any more (maybe only a parent – child love, which is something different).
Whenever I complain about my situation now all he can say in the end is “but you wanted that yourself”…
He keeps acting like a child. Blaming me for our break up, for everything. He admits that it’s because of him, next he blames me. It’s confusing and makes me feel like I’m the bad one. .. I know I am not. I did mistakes as well but it wasn’t me to drink instead of taking care of the child. All I asked him was to participate and stop leaving us alone for every single evening. Ah this is so pointless. I guess there’s not much I can do. It’s his turn now. .
I just hope these people will not convince me that he’s okay now and won’t judge me. I hate this pressure he gives me when he says “if I go for the therapy we will be a family again” as if that can make me love him again like I used to. Now I don’t think it’s any kind of love. I miss him and our good times and I like to see him playing with our child. But this is not love.
Thanks again and I’ll keep at it 🙂

[godschild]

The pepertrator group should not judge you at all and most certianley should not try to convince you he is ok they should work with you to check on how he is behaving towards you.You are the best judge as to what hcnages thei are as you know him better than anyone, he may try ot pull the wool over their eyes even A good group should know the dynamic of abuse, The book I mentioned will really enlighten you. Im sur it is available form Amazon on line
Mine changes in his stance of ” I need to sort myself out ” then its me im mentally ill ! Its classic for them to blame the woman for everything I get that all the time.
without real determination and effort and honesty wanting to stop his control he cannot change, all the self effort in the worrld will not stop them until they really truley without reservation come out of denial and admit to what tehy are are doing ,so be careful, watch him and look for real change in his whole attitude and if he does get mad etc see how he reacts when you challenge him on it ie does he minimise it, make excuses for it etc I saw on anothr post that the HV suggested respect to you, he may think it will be easy to just go on a course to get you back but he most le
likey does not realise that he will be challenged and some men drop put when they are challeged on their behavior

[SaharaD]

This isn’t like normal therapy and the chances of it working are slim. You have no role in his attendance on The Respect Perpetrator course. This is something he has to do alone and will take many years if it is to work at all.

He doesn’t love your daughter. Abusing the mother of a child is child abuse. It affects the child in a negative way to not have a happy fully functioning mother.

They will be contacting you so that you can go to women’s support group and learn about abuse and abusers. He does not know that you go to the women’s support so don’t tell him. It will only make him angrier and escalate the abuse.

You can’t tell the truth to abusers they use it against you to control and have power over you.

I suggest not talking to him at all unless it is something practical about your daughter. Don’t let him know anything about your life.

Google the cycle of abuse. They can only be good for so long before showing their abusive side again. There is no excuse for abuse. Do not tolerate it. If you don’t give consequences and stick to your boundaries he will keep doing it and will escalate in the abuse.

Just be very careful and stay safe once he realises that you don’t want him in your life and only want to co parent with him, he ,may become even more dangerous.

There is no excuse for abuse.

[nayuki]

Thank you for your replies Godschild and SaharaD
It’s been a few weeks since I checked the forums. I had to put all my effort in job searching and stuff, felt a bit low on times but too busy and overhelmed with money issues. Some things has happened.
Thank you for advice, it’s true I might be deceived by his attitude. He seems to be trying, he’s changing his attitude little by little. I can feel it’s good. He is more positive about his own life at times. He did show some alarming signs, when he found out I’m keeping contact with a male friend (just a friend, nothing else, we’re from the same country, we share some interest etc) and he acted like we’re still together, was jealous etc but now he stopped being like this. But still, he did not start the actual therapy. It’s hard to set boundaries but I absolutely agree that I have to.
At least he also changed the way he talks about the source of our break up. He is not denying his fault any more. This is positive I guess.
Not trying to be ultra optimistic because I know it can get worse. And as long as he won’t attend it we can’t move on.
Thanks for all your words, I really needed that. Sometimes I catch myself on being too much hmm.. don’t even have a word for that, but I feel like I’m being naive? Hard to tell.
Hopefully things will change when I start working.
Thanks again 🙂

[godschild]

Hi, do you have the book by Lundy Bancroft , why does he do that, he gives a check list of how you can test if the changes are for real. If you don’t I can private message them to you.
I will private message you re another source of help as well

[nayuki]

That would be great godschild. It’s really confusing sometimes, but I have no knowledge or necessary distance to judge this situation. Aby help is great!

[godschild]

Have sent yo 2 private messages, click on your name and messages will show, hope they help x

[Serenity]

Look up

http://www.liveboldandbloom.com / 30 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

There is a checklist here for you to see if your relationship is emotionally abusive. It’s pretty clear and helps you recognise the abuse.

( My abuser ticked every single box!)

[nayuki]

Thank you, I’m reading the book right now, it really is interesting. Many things seem to sound familiar. It is also interesting because I’m starting to understand what was going on with my sister’s relationship not so long ago. She died because she was very ill but I think her partner was mentally abusive ..
She would hide it because at first abusers tend to be perfect. Mine was like that as well. And I would hide every single sign of his misbehaviour, unless some things became obvious to some of my friends..
Well I have to keep getting more knowledge and what to be aware of. Thanks again for all the resources, I’m really happy that I joined this forum 🙂

[nayuki]

I just had some counselling and it feels good that I opened with someone. I got a god piece of advice: to stop trying to make a decision now, as I have to sort out myself, get self confidence etc
It’s good.
He acts very nice now, but I know he’s trying to get us back. The hardest part is to tell him to stop crossing my boundaries. He keeps telling me that WE are going to live somewhere, WE are going to do this or that.. sure, we are still a some sort of family, for our daughter, but I don’t want him to rule my life ..
Thanks again, I checked the 30 signs, some are true for him, some were true before he moved out. The book really opens eyes.
All I can do is to focus on myself and my child. He has to take care of himself.

[Author]

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