This topic contains 27 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Tiffany 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #68300
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m just so broken atm. Went through all of the hassle of a process, SO was charged etc. He now attends a special programme, but I can only see negative effects. He is being told that he only has responsibility for his own life, not mine. Which makes me responsible for “allowing” him to destroy my life, my relationships, everything. He is being taught that I have to take responsibility for letting him do those things to me. That it was my own decision, even if I was scared for my life, I still made the decision to stay and let him ruin my life. It really really has broken me, how can this be right?! How can he be taught this is specialised DV sessions? It’s only making him feel like he’s not responsible for what he did to me, and making me feel like it was my fault for staying. I’m so upset as I thought it would change him, but this just gives him more power.

    Does anyone else have similar experiences with this? I’m really at a loss about what to do now, he is now literally on his high horse about this therapy.

  • #68301
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi, He’s an abuser and he switched around the information he’s been given to suit him. I think he’s gaslighting you. I bet if you asked the rehabilitation programme what has been said it would be to the contrary. One thing I know about abusive men they don’t want and wont be confronted with the fact they are accountable and they are in the wrong. They will never admit that. Take care don’t be hovered in buy him, think about yourself and your own health. If you can go no contact with this man that would be the best option, its not your responsibility to get updates on how he is getting on – that’s not your concern any more 🙂 support and a hug DIY

  • #68303
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Please contact the supervisor of the course he is on and tell them he is using this to further abuse you. To gaslight you further. My understanding was that you would have some input as a victim. He will be making this stuff up to pass the blame back onto you. There is never ever an excuse for domestic abuse. How ridiculous that we ‘allow’ ourselves to be abused. It’s out of our hands. That’s victim blaming. Thats like saying she was wearing a short skirt so she allowed herself to be raped. He will never change. Abuse always gets worse. The best thing you can do is work on a safe exit plan. He is not your responsibility. He’s an adult and can take care of himself and he won’t change for anyone. Why should he. He’s getting his thrills from continuing his abuse.

  • #68304
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, if this is a rehabilitation group for abusers to recognise what they’ve done, the organisers should also be dealing with you too. Lundy Bancroft who wrote why does he do that worked with abusers and also with the victim, this was part of the process to ensure she was safe at all times.
    I believe he is feeding you a line(gaslighting), as he knows you’re not part of the help group he’s attending. Unless his actions are showing change he is not learning a thing he’s using what he is, to his own advantage. Yes he is responsible for his own actions but he is also responsible for how he treats others. Please don’t believe him. They need to take responsibility and will always try and make the victim be at fault. If you can get in touch with them, and ask. You need to push fir information, this is your life hes messing with.
    My oh said I’d done something at a party a long time ago, being me, i went to see the couple, swallowed my pride and apologised for my behaviour. They had no idea what I was talking about. I hadn’t done what he’d said I’d done. It still shocks him to this day what i did. I proved he’d lied but he made it out that it was a joke. If i hadn’t done what i did, I’d still to this day feel shame for my’behaviour’ and it would have given him something to hold over me. Don’t rise to his jibes, he’s just looking for any type of reaction. He feeds on it like a vampire.
    Take care lovely, keep posting and reading others, it really is a lifeline for our sanity.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68316
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    Unicorn, I too think contacting the people leading the group is a good idea. In fact, I’m surprised they aren’t in touch with you. When my abuser attended a perpetrators’ course, I was regularly contacted by phone for my feedback. I even had an initial 1:1 meeting so they could explain what they were doing.

    Now, here’s the big question: how truthful do you know him to be, your perpetrator? The course is designed to help him change if he really wants to, but it isn’t instant. How likely is he to be telling the truth to you about the sessions and what he’s learning in them? Really?

    If he’s ever lied to or about you, you can safely assume he’s lying now, and is likely to continue to lie, especially as he is being challenged on his thinking, attitudes and behaviour, until he starts to take the teaching to heart, if he ever does.

    I’d be inclined not to ask or talk to him about the sessions; they’re for him, not you. If he wants to talk about them, why not just say you’ll wait and see what changes and improvements you notice as he continues to attend? After all, actions speak louder than words.

    He may grumble that he needs recognition, praise and encouragement to keep going, but that’s not your job. He’s the one who will benefit in the long run, becoming a more decent person. That should be enough. He is the one who needs to invest in the course, not you. His ultimate reward may be that you decide to give him another chance if you’re seeing improvement, but you needn’t feel grateful to him for changing, need you?

    One tip I would offer: if he tells you he’s doing well or that the course leaders are impressed, he may look to you for validation. Don’t offer it if you don’t see real change. It’s not what he says or does in the sessions that matters, it’s what he does when he’s with you. You are the only judge because you live with him, not just spend an hour with him on his best behaviour once a week. He doesn’t deserve the benefit of any doubt and he has no right to expect it from you.

    Stay clear-eyed and be ruthlessly honest with yourself about his current behaviour. Are you keeping a journal to record your impressions? It might help you spot any trends!

    Stay strong, lovely.

    Flower x

  • #68389
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    My abuser went to therapy just before I left. I had been trying to get him to go for years as he had mental health issues as well as being abusive, and he absolutely used the therapy as a new stick to beat me with. He was continually telling me that his therapist didn’t think I was a supportive partner, or that his therapist thought it sounded like I was the one with problems. Honestly, looking back on this I can see that he was making it all up to gaslight me. It would be wildly unprofessional of a therapist to offer such advise. But it seemed very convincing at the time. Unfortunately I don’t think that he will change with therapy, because he doesn’t want to change. Look at what he does rather than what he says and decide whether you want to be with him based on that.

  • #68391
     Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Unicornsparklehead,
    That sounds strange like he is turning everything around.
    Are you having some therapy or counselling to focus on you ?
    Take care and all the best xx

  • #68511
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    I think because he might have told them we’re not together anymore they aren’t working with me. It’s horrible, he doesn’t seem to realise how (removed by moderator) and condescending his views are, talking at me about abuse and toxic behaviour as if I’m the one perpetuating it, constantly telling me how I have SO MANY ISSUES to work on, saying that he’s already gone through so much. Then when I try to bring up that the trial etc isn’t MY fault, it’s HIS actions that caused him to have a criminal record, he shuts down the conversation and turns it on me again. I really thought this special DV programme would help him out, but he just now says he doesn’t owe me anything, let alone an acknowledgment of his behaviour. I just don’t understand.

  • #68521
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi that’s interesting, he says he doesnt owe you anything. On that note neither do you. It’s time to go no contact with him. Theres no reasoning with him, he isn’t going to change, no matter how many courses he goes on. I’d still get in touch with them, let them know he’s contacting you and still trying to abuse you. Since you’re not together, anything he does is seen as harassment and intimidation. Win win for you. If he has to contact you do it on one form of contact only. Get a new SIM and let him contact you through the old one only. Let everyone else know you have a new number. That way you can store his messages, log how many times he phones you in order to get a non harassment or non molestation order. It’s all about gathering facts, not how he makes you feel, though a journal is great for that, as it helps with verbal and emotional abuse and that comes with a custodial sentence of up to 5years.
    If you text him and ask him to stop contacting you and he still is after 2x, so long as it’s seen that your not getting into a titfirtat dialogue,a harassment order can be saught by the police. Just remember not to retaliate, even though what he says you feel you have to defend yourself. Once you stop interacting with him, he has no control over you and that will p..s him off no end😉
    Good luck and welcome
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68641
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice everyone. Feeling slightly calmer, went no-contact and my head feels a bit better now. I did also contact his programme like you guys advised, because as you all said it did say on their website too that his previous partner would be contacted and I hadn’t been, so hopefully I can get some clarity on that. But I feel so incredibly guilty. I guess I always hoped we’d be together in the end.

  • #68643
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi unicorn, I’m so proud of you, it’s hard doing things that could inevitably be seen by him to be disrespectful(he’s said it to us often enough, it’s hard to get out of that mindset), but you’ve done it🤗 that’s what’s making you feel guilty, that’s all. You’re recognising yourself, I’m sitting here with a big smile on my face while I’m typing to you😃😃
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68648
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I am so glad you have managed to take this step. Stay strong on the no contact. It’s the only way to protect yourself. We all thought once that we had futures with our abusers. It’s part of how they suck us in. The good news is that all of us who have left have discovered that once we go no contact we still have our own futures, and they are so much brighter when we are abuse free.

  • #68649
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Thank you so much. Yeah, it’s definitely hard because they also do that thing where in a twisted way their constant control and watching your every move at least makes you feel like “they care”. Whereas now it feels like… no one does. Weird feeling. But hopefully his rehab program will get in touch soon about this, because I think it is important to tell them that he’s essentially been blaming me again through the therapy-input.

  • #69138
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Christ, it’s so hard. First Christmas without him and I feel so empty and sad. So hard not to contact him. And the leaders of his program still haven’t gotten in touch, so I’m left having to make so much effort. The holidays are so hard – definitely the loneliest and saddest time a year for me. I used to have him to make things better around this time, and now it’s just me.

  • #69139
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I found my first Christmas tough. And he went out of his way to make Christmases miserable for me, so I should have been so very glad.

    This year has been much much better. You just need to get through the first one first. Try and do some nice things for yourself. Bake something maybe. Or buy yourself something nice. Or go somewhere you will enjoy. Whatever will help you feel that you have worth and deserve nice things. It’s hard to believe in the early days after abuse, but it gets better too.

    I am also really glad you are contacting the course organisers. It seems rather unhelpful that they are not replying – I actually wonder if it is possible that he isn’t attending the therapy at all, and lied to you that he was? In the end whether the therapy helps him or not is no longer your problem. Are you on a waiting list to get counselling of your own? If you can find someone trained in dealing with abuse you might find it helpful.

  • #69187
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Christmas is officially ruined. He spent (detail removed by moderator) texting me again about me having to admit that I was abusive to him too, and saying he hopes I’ll never move back to where we used to live (even though I grew up there and I have left to get away from him). Says I am deluded that I don’t see the part I played. I feel so horrible and sick. I really feel like his probation officer should know this, but I can’t seem to get through to them.

  • #69190
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Report him to the police. They can deal with the probation officer. Sorry you are having to deal with this today of all days. You are not an abuser. He is just searching out ways to hurt you. Can you block him from sending you more messages? Also try and get the police to warn him that further contact will be considered harassment and he could go back to court. I hope you manage to do something nice with the rest of the day. Maybe turn the phone off for some peace and quiet if you can’t block him? Sending you love and strength to deal with this. And a happy Christmas once it is done.

  • #69193
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Unicorn, keep the texts, they’re evidence that he’s harassing you. He’s projecting when he’s accusing you of being deluded it’s himself he’s talking about. Being in the moment is difficult, once you take a step back you’ll see his outburst fir what it was. definately report his behaviour to his PO. And the police who will report to PO too. Go no contact until you’ve had advice from WA and a solicitor. You’ve tried to be civil but he’s not playing ball, try and ignore him, it’s just fuel for his ego, and it’s using up energy you need to heal yourself.
    Take care, sending hugs and strength to you at this time, will say a prayer for you before I go to sleep. God bless.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69197
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Thank you IWMB, ending the day in tears is not what I wanted. Thanks for having my back 🙂

  • #69748
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Jesus, sorry to post here again, but I’m really at a loss. So now they’ve reduced his sessions because he’s showing such great progress, typical reactions of him going: I don’t need the therapy, they said I’m doing great, I would never re-offend. Says his probation officer would be in contact with me, but they haven’t been at all. I’m really worried he’s somehow given them the wrong contact details, so now they’re under the impression he’s made so much progress when it’s all lies and just him being his charming self. What can I do about it? It’s so worrying to me that they’re all buying into his charm offensive.

    • #69769
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      Hi unicorn, if no-one is getting in touch with you it sounds very much like he’s gaslighting you, I wonder very much if he’s even going to a group. Please try and find the strength to go no contact, it sounds as if it’ll be your only recourse. Good luck and best wishes

      IWMB 💕💕

  • #69751
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Abusers are liars. What proof do you have that what he is saying is the truth if you have no contact with the people involved? Abusers just make stuff up. Gaslighting. Until you actually speak to the people running the course, . Ignore everything he says. It’s more that likely that the opposite of what he’s telling you is happening.

  • #69752
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    KIP is right, darling. He is probably lying through his teeth, How on earth would the course leader/therapist know whether he is ‘making progress’? Let alone proaisning him! It sounds highly unlikely.

    Mine decided he was getting on great with his perpetrator course, too, and tried to force me to agree. He claimed it was unfair for me to be the judge and insisted that the course leader should be the one to decide whether he was changing or not. I soon disabused him of that idea! I told him I was the only judge because I was the one expected to live with him 24/7, not just spend an hour once a a week with him on his best behaviour. I told him the course leader wasn’t the one taking the risk of trusting him and committing their future to him and that I would not be swayed for an instant by wnat he said someone else said about him! That means nothing.

    It’s his changed behaviour that counts and you can judge that without anyone elses’s opinion, including his. Even if the course leader rang you one-to-one and told you he had definitely changed it wouldn’t make you see it if it wasn’t there, would it?

    Do try to make contact with the course leader and ask for a report on him, won’t you? When I wasn’t contacted at first, I began to think he was going off to the pub for an hour and had dropped out of the course! It turned out not to be so, but for all you know it might be true of yours. It would explain why you hadn’t heard anything.

    How do you know for sure he’s even going?

    Don’t take anything he says at face value, darling. Check it out for yourself.

    Flower x

  • #69755
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Thanks for letting me know. I think he must be going, because if he misses even one session he has to go (detail removed by Moderator) The course leader hasn’t been in touch, and I have no idea how to reach them. I tried to but got told they can’t disclose any information. But in the meantime he is still doing the same things he did before and they don’t know about it. If they don’t allow me to speak to them, or liaise with me, how on earth are they supposed to know whether he’s making progress or not? Let alone reducing his sessions to a couple of weeks rather than the full sessions he had been given.

  • #69760
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I think all you can do is cut contact with him and report his behaviour to the police again. As you have noticed, he’s using all continued contact to keep abusing you. There is a lot of stuff which is out of your control at the moment. You can’t do anything about his course or his behaviour. All you can do is protect yourself, by minimising his contact with you and reporting any continued abuse to the police – that then passes on the responsibility to deal with his behaviour to them. Maybe call up women’s aid for some advice too. I never went down this route, but I think there may be some legal recourse you can take if he won’t stop contacting you. I think possibly a non-molestation order? Not sure of the ins and outs of that. But get some advice. You deserve to be free of his abuse and to start getting some help of your own to heal from the trauma he has put you through. Stay strong and keep no contact. We’re all thinking of you.
    Tiffany

  • #70044
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    Does anyone have any experience in what to do when his abuse continues? He is literally on a (detail removed by Moderator) and is continuing his abuse. Today he said some horrible, horrible things to me, and I don’t know what to do. Can I contact anyone about his behaviour? His PO still isn’t responding to me.

  • #70045
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Ring 101 and tell the police you fear for your safety as his abuse is continuing and you do not wish any further contact with him. Tell them he is on a (detail removed by Moderator) and you need their intervention for your own safety. Emphasise he’s putting you in a state of fear and alarm.

  • #70111
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Police. And please please close all the routes he is contacting you on. Change your phone number, change your email address. Delete social media. Whatever it takes.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account