There is no timescale to `Get over it

[endoftherainbow]

A conversation with a friend has really upset me, we are quite close and she knows some, but not all that went on with my ex. She asked me a question about him, then preceded to ask me if I thought it was time to get over it This completely floored me, part of me wanted to scream and walk off, I didn’t, I sat and very quietly explained that I haven’t just split up from someone, I have left someone that I spent half my life with and who has totally ruined almost every part of my life, I talked about my PTSD, nightmares, triggers, not coping with so many menial tasks because im not used to being in control. The damage that man has caused to my children and family. WE were both in tears in the end and she was very apologetic, said she didn’t realise. Has anyone else experienced this attitude? Its made me feel very sad, im at the age that life is supposed to begin, and while my escape has brought me so much peace and joy, I will never be how I was. My sister talks about how feisty I was, wouldn’t take any s***e from anyone, confident and in control. Now, I still struggle with menial decisions. I know I will never be in a relationship again, I have zero trust, I know not all men are the same, but I carnt risk me again, this actually doesn’t bother me much, if I didn’t live in a flat, I could surround myself with cats.
I hope that Domestic Violence can loose more of the stigma surrounding it and people can try and understand the long term affects it causes, and then maybe not ask stupid questions x*x

[Good samaritan]

I experience it daily unfortunately from members of my own family right down to the Police. It makes you feel so isolated and annoyed at the same time that you can go from feeling normal to insane as instantly as overnight. I’m not sure I will ever get over my experience and that is what scares me the most. I just want permanent closure so I can proceed onto the next chapter not fearing how he will lie his way back into my life again. Due to the nature and level of his deciet I have often wished myself dead just to escape his clutches. It’s a horrible feeling been consumed and out of control. I hope you can find remedy soon so you can begin to enjoy the little things in life again. I’m at the phase where I am anxious in my home because his presence is still felt here to becoming irritable and emotional when I leave the house. It feels never ending sometimes

[KIP.]

Next time this come us. Tell her you got over him very quickly, what you did not get over was the trauma he left you with.

[starryeyed]

Unfortunately yes from some people. It hurts more when it comes from people close to you. I think for people who haven’t been through it or learnt about domestic abuse then they confuse it with a normal breakup. I have a really good friend who I spoke to throughout my relationship, drips and drabs about what was happening…and obviously she didn’t know it was abusive and I wasn’t telling her everything and I remember she told me to ‘stand up for myself, tell him it isn’t on and be stronger’…can’t help thinking if I could have managed that then the abuse may have got far worse.

It’s good that you and your friend could talk about it and good on you for keeping your cool and explaining it to her. I agree, I hope domestic abuse gets talked about more and there is more education about it. It’s making me look at everything a hell of a lot differently now.

[Anabela]

I get that from my friends. One friend asked how I am. I am saying still feel stressed after email i received recently which falsely led me to believe he committed suicide. Her response was it is my fault for letting it affect me. I replied she is very wrong to say this as i am not made of metal. She did not say anything to that… and before she would say comments like i am to be blamed as well as i tolerated his behavior and could have left earlier. Ahe said she used to think there is sonething wrong with me for staying while i was still in a relationship.
Such comments make me boil. I am glad there are other people who are not judgmental and even if not having such experience themselves manage to support me without making me feel worse about myself

[Ayanna]

Yes, I heard that frequently.
The feeling that I get is that (detail removed by Moderator)
But I cannot do that, very unfortunately. I also cannot yell at them that they are (detail removed by Moderator).
Therefore I keep quiet and do not talk to people.
I avoid the so called friends, because they are no friends.
I am best off on my own, with cats.

[fridges]

Recently, I have shared a bit with my girlfriends.
To one I have asked her, if he ever will write to her, do not tell anything about me and about my life. I explained to her, I’m very close to go to the police, as he does not leave me other options. So much time and he tries to get on to me. First – she said to me, I saw on her, how bad he made me to feel. She was often with me during this period and sometimes I get very upset, when he was not leaving me alone. With his texts, messages, emails, putting pressure on me.She suggested – why i just not stop thinking about it and move on? I said I’m too upset about it, and it does gets on me, and he hurt me badly, and the rape was happening, now I take time to heal. I’m not able to focus on other things in life yet.
The other two friends I said that I have stalking case and I warned them if I see him, and he comes any near me, I call police to remove him. I did this, because often I’m in the area with these two friends, where he is working. I’m not able to avoid this area, my two good friends live very near.
One said ( who had a strong character) can you just tell him to f..k off. I have tried to explain – that he does not respect any of my wishes. in any form of fashion. And it is no point. As for (detail removed by Moderator) years now – I try to get rid of him, and he still tries.
She could not understand. She never have been with an abusive n********t.
And started to go on me, that it is my fault, it happened. I should have dealt with the situation at time and stopped it.
Other friend stopped her, she said, you do not know what kind of people can be there. And not all understand – that you do not want anything to do with them, they are obsessed.
I felt very sad and regret that I told them. I told them I started therapy to help myself.
My brother was even better – people go to the therapist when they are lonely, and no one to talk to, it is waste of money.
My family does not know my life at all. And what I have been through.

[Author]

Posts