There is so much help

[tinkerbellgirl]

A bit of a long post but please read. I left my husband (detail removed by moderator) after years of hell. It was the scariest most worrying time of my life leaving him. I had so many what ifs, what if I lose my house? What if they think I’m unfit to have my children? How will I cope on my own? What if I have no money? What if I can’t do this?

I didn’t report him to the police until (detail removed by moderator) months after leaving when he kept coming back, threatening, still hurting me etc but I finally made a statement. It was very scary, having to drag up years of abuse, but as soon as I walked out that police station I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. The police were amazing, keeping me up to date every step of the way, making sure I was ok. I did feel a bit guilty at the time for doing it but I was free! The police said because of the DV social services would be involved etc and I was worried about my children being taken away. I don’t really have any family support so I was doing this all on my own.

My husband was in remanded in prison until the trial (detail removed by moderator). Social services were amazing, they said I had done the right thing by safeguarding my children, they will not take my children because it’s not what they do, they want them to be kept safe and by me leaving him that is what I have done. They spoke to the children in a friendly way without mentioning anything to see how they were feeling and they did disclose in a way that they knew something was wrong, this broke my heart that my children knew! They have helped provide help for my children if they do ever want to talk about things and arranged free day trips for them to give them time with other children but also so I can have a bit of recovery as being a single parent is hard! They have been amazing as having social workers involved really scared me, but they are there to help and have.

Social services also helped with other organisations too, I’ve been referred to counselling and a scheme (detail removed by moderator) has made an assessment on my house safe for me so I can continue living there, new doors, new locks security lights etc. They want to keep survivors in their own home if they want to stay and there so they make us feel safe by doing all of these adjustments. My house was a joint council tenancy and they transferred it to me with no problem, again, something I was worried about was losing my house and having nowhere for me and my children. I have a court worker from women’s aid who is amazing! Keeps me up to date with what is happening, and will be there at court to support me. Victim support are great too, providing court visits, specials measures when I attend the trial (video link) helping me understand the process and the questions they might ask and how the defence/prosecution may be like on the day. My police officer in charge of the case is also amazing. I’ve kept the same officer since day 1 and she has always kept me up to date even listened to me rant on about how scared I am.

There is so much support out there for everyone in the same situation which I didn’t know until I took that jump. Again yes it was scary and it wasn’t easy to make the decision to leave but it was the best decision of my life. I still have a long way as I’ve been ill since all this has happened but at the end of the day I am now in a better place, my children are happier and I am alive and safe. People are there to help, all the these things you worry about are nothing to worry about and everyone is there to help and support you. You can do this!

[SunshineRainflower]

It’s great that you had such positive experiences with the support services Tinkerbellgirl, it sounds like it all worked out how it is meant to. I think unfortunately it can be very hit and miss, some are great and others don’t seem trained properly in domestic abuse, especially the psychological aspect. I’m not sure if this was your situation but I think the police seem to handle a case better if there is physical violence as they can see the domestic abuse visually, whereas they still have a lot of work to do to help women experiencing coercive control with as yet no physical violence. I hope things improve soon so that all women have the positive experience you have had in both violent and non-violent cases of abuse, it is great it has all worked out and that you have made great progress and escaped the clutches of an abuser.

[tinkerbellgirl]

SunshineRainflower sadly mine was a lot of physical and other violence. I think unfortunately because coercive control is still quite ‘new’ (in terms of the law) etc that more might need to be done to help people in those situations but regardless of reporting it or not getting out was definitely they right decision for me and even if it was a controlling relationship I would still be saying the same. Trust me I still have a long way to go with getting myself mentally better as the relationship has caused so much damage to me but I am grateful to be alive and have the support there. I have never seen my children so happy and they’re themselves again which is sad in a way because although I thought they weren’t affected they obviously were. I’m hoping that by telling people my story and how I much help there is that many other women like us will take the jump and trust in the system. (detail removed by moderator). No one should ever have to go through any abuse ever be it physical or psychological.

Also thank you Lisa 🙂

[Lisa]

Hi Tinkerbellegirl,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and to say thank you so much for such a positive and inspiring post. It is so lovely when someone feels they have good support and you have been so brave. I hope that you are very rightly proud of yourself.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m so sorry to hear what you went through Tinkerbellgirl, that must have been horrendous. I am sure you will inspire others with your story, it is so difficult to escape one of these men with so many things to fear but like you said, once we take the leap of faith, there is help and support and we are stronger than we think.

Yes, I think it is because they only recently introduced the law regarding Coercive control. When I reported my ex to the police, they told me the domestic abuse team wasn’t available and so I had to report it to the regular police who seemed clueless. They even told me they didn’t know anything about the Coercive Control law! I spent an hour telling a female police officer my story, she seemed a bit unsure but seemed to accept that my ex’s behaviour was not good and was willing to issue him with a harassment warning as he wouldn’t leave me alone. Then, her male supervisor came in, not having heard any of my story, and started questioning me, doubting me, implying I’d overestimated what I’d been through, and used a mental health diagnosis against me implying I wasn’t credible. It was absolutely awful, and exactly what my abuser used to do. Luckily the female officer issued the warning, but I have felt troubled by the experience since, and think I will complain, because he behaved in the opposite way to what he should have in my case.

It is so positive that you got the right support and that your children and you are now thriving, it must have been terrifying leaving given that he was violent too. (detail removed by moderator), let us all know how it goes.

[Twisted Sister]

Its extremely encouraging to hear of your experience tinkerbellgirl. i am amazed, as I think may be many that have read your post that it is possible to have such an all round great experience, one that all should come to expect after such an horrendous one with an abuser.

I am sad to hear of course, what you all have suffered, and hope that you continue to get the support and new life you all so deserve free of abuse.

warmest wishes

ks x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Tonkerbellgirl,
Wonderful news, congrats on safely escaping your terrible ordeal, sounds horrendous. I’m so glad you had such a positive experience and so much support. You deserved to have a bit of good luck. I hope one day that all survivors are treated this way. I hope you recover soon and that you and your children have a wonderful Christmas. Good luck with your journey ❤️

[Author]

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