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I don’t have many friends, they can be counted on one hand and just found two of them who I spoke to maybe once or twice a month have gone running to him, gone on holiday with him even. (detail removed by moderator) I’m not making these things up!! And they go on holiday? with him? It just feels like every time I think okay now I can breathe again something else comes and knocks me down. And I don’t want to be told I’m overreacting, I don’t care if I am, it hurts. It happened and it’s not something where you can be neutral, I really don’t think it’s fair on me. I’d f****** love a holiday too away from this, (detail removed by moderator). It just hurts. I can’t stand losing any more, not that there is really many more left to lose. I don’t want to be here anymore, why can’t ge just admit it, just be honest and say what he did to meo i just find it so unfair he is out living life and i keep falling apart he doesnt give a sh**. am i overreacting? it really hurts they went away with him, it really hurts
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Yes it really hurts. He’s doing this deliberately. Trying to get as many people on his side as he can to try and discredit you. It’s a typical abuser tactic. I lost close family members to this behaviour. Some people just don’t understand how this affects you. Remaining neutral is not really an option with abusers and those that side with him and carry on contact I have dropped. They will be passing on information to him. To me it really shows the type of person they are. Your abuser will deny, lie, minimise, twist. Whereas we stick to the truth, don’t try to twist or use our friends as flying monkeys. The fact he’s gone somewhere on holiday with friends that’s relevant to you is no coincidence. I know you’re not making these things up. The police and courts know you’re not making these things up. In his twisted brain he will have become the victim, he will be playing the wounded party. They are Oscar winning actors. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from the friends who side with him. Now you’re free from your abuser there will be plenty time once you’ve recovered to make new friends, new interests etc. Meantime just concentrate on you and the people friends family agencies that have your back. You know the truth. Think of a rock in a choppy sea. That rock of truth. Just hang on. Keep hanging on. The rough seas may try to push you off that rock, but you hang on. Things are going to get better. Your self esteem and confidence will return and you will be able to make sense of all this. Meantime you need to put yourself and your recovery first x
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I don’t think they necessarily believe him over you. Some people just sweep this kind of thing under the carpet. Don’t know or want to deal with it. Often too when you’re dealing with an abuser they can manipulate people. They can put a lot of effort into this. They want to keep looking like the good guy. Where any reasonable person would admit what they did, apologise and make amends. My ex would lie even when faced with evidence he would look you in the eye and simply deny that evidence exists. You cannot deal with this kind of person and the truth will come out in the end.
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i think they might be oblivious to what hes doing after all this is quite a complicated tactic hes using – triangulation again. instead id feel sorry for them because hes using them as weapons to hurt you. he has no feeling for them either.the best thing you can do is to ignore it like its never happened – he wont like that your not saying to them why are you doing this – or you could say to them ahh so glad you enjoyed your holiday. it might make them wonder? or alternatively cut them off but in a way why should you. i had this work colleagues telling me he had added them to fb trying to chat them up. luckily they new he was dangerous – one of them actually called 101 to report him he was more or less sitting out side their house. remember this isnt personal this is what they do – another pattern of behaviour all set out to hurt you and mke you vie again for his attention xxxx much love diymum
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Dear AlwaysSorry
I really feel for you. This feels like such a huge betrayal of your trust.
It always helped me to be aware of how difficult I found it to understand, and it was happening to me!
Abusers will compete against you and will use all their tactics to win, so you are isolated and your voice is shut down. This is all about him maintaining power and control over you, and that includes your friends.
Please dont let this destabilise you. You must hang on to what you know to be true. No matter what anyone says you know your truth. Noone can tell you otherwise. They dont know your experiences. You are the expert in that.
He doesn’t live with them and they still believe differently about him and who he really is. That doesnt invalidate your truth.
Sending you strength and self-belief.
Warmest wishes
TS
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I am sorry your friends went with him on holidays, the betrayal hurts indeed and is unexpected.
I remember the first friend who sided with him. It was just shocking. How could she? She has been abused herself and she has betrayed me. I cut her out of my life immediately. This was the only big shock, I armed myself and expected others to follow her steps. He has so much power over everyone and convinced people so easily.
From this point onwards, one after another friends and family sided with him, I had only few close friends and family left and my second abuser who supported me.
His tactic was divide and conquer, he created conflict, told lies, dividing everyone from me, I could see it clear as day and expected actually my last remaining people to side with him too eventually so I cut them out of my life before he could actively make them side with him.
I rather rebuild my life from scratch, safely, than having to deal with soldiers working for him.
It feels like loosing now because you are loosing friends to him but it actually cleans up your social life for better stronger friends who won’t let themselves be manipulated by him or any other abusive person, you’ll be able to create a stronger foundation for yourself.
Sending you strength -
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Yes it hurts AlwaysSorry, I totally get where you’re coming from. Unfortunately I’m still living this a couple of years down the line and *still* can’t find the words to explain just how betrayed and hurt I feel. It makes me so angry and frustrated that there’s no justice, that such clever manipulation and lies have completed shredded me and how others see me. My own family too! I try to put it down to maybe they don’t understand the deception in domestic abuse, maybe they genuinely think they’re doing the right thing “staying neutral”, maybe they have their own issues – but honestly, none of it really works. It really b****y hurts, I know I need to figure out some way to deal with it so he doesn’t keep hurting me……… but I don’t know how.
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