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    • #44770

      My DV outreach worker said that one thing that stood out about my relationship with my ex was the fact that I wasn’t allowed any choice. Or he at least tried to not allow me freedom of choice over anything. It was his way or the highway.

      He hasn’t changed, and he is still completely oblivious to the fact that I have a choice in things and have my own life plan worked out, according to what I want ( not based on what he wants!).

      We have been divorced a while now, but there are some financial lose ends to tie up. He still the same, trying to coerce and hoodwink, feigning rationality when he wants something.

      His latest truck is to tell my solicitor that he. Wry much wants relations to improve between us.

      Does he think I was born yesterday? I know it’s because he’s furious that he needs to pay a normal rate of child maintenance now: he wants to move closer to me and be in contact so that he can try to weaken or scare me to a place where he can manage to coerce me not to claim it. He’s so transparent, and it’s so predictable.

      It doesn’t even occur to him that- as a victim of his bullying for years- I have a choice- to eject him from my personal space, and catapult him out of my life! I’d shoot him to the back of beyond if I could!

      I’ve rediscovered myself and my own reality, and my own strength. I don’t feel like his terrified victim anymore. To me, he is a pathetic w**d.

      These coercive controllers really do think life is some massive chess board, where they are the kind and others are just pawns who will
      Move according to dictates. Well, life’s not like that, abusers! People have choice!

    • #44869
      older lady

      Hi. Yes, he ‘very much wants relations to improve’ to his own advantage. I hope this isn’t the start of further abuse. Its all about the control. My daughter’s father has such an issue with money. He once said ‘i’m nothing without money’. I remember thinking how sad that was (and wondered about his self-image) but what I wasn’t prepared for was just how deep that went with him. Money is very important for him as a source of power and a means of control, and he exploits it, even with his own child and he can’t see beyond that to a better way of relating to people. xx

    • #44882

      Thank you, Older Lady.

      I haven’t posted much this week because of being busy with work, but unfortunately I have had to deal with a fresh round of threats from my ex, who has also taken it upon himself to be abusive to family members.

      The difference is that, this time, I’m not trembling or quaking in my boots, despite his threats being quite significant. I know I can deal with whatever he pushes my way. Xx

      • #45167

        It remembers me of my ex who was deeply angry about not earning as much money as he earned in another place. It was something who could really trigger his bad moods and after that he’d be mean to me. It took me a while to understand it was also because I would earn more than him. Even though I continually reassured him that I would have loved him even if he was broke because money is nothing when compared to love and so on. He got really angry every time I said I wanted to buy myself something a little expensive…

    • #44893
      older lady

      Serenity, I don’t know what the threats are but is this behaviour something you would consider reporting? You are still being domestically abused. I think I know what you mean about not being afraid in the original way anymore, before you learned about domestic abuse and saw the pattern of behaviour. You say these threats are quite significant. I know I’m still afraid of my daughter’s father. I know he is capable of doing a lot of damage, and I know that until my daughter is an adult I am always going to have to manage this situation particularly with her welfare in mind. My mental health has been damaged by him and I know I’m not going to heal from that while he is still in our life. It’s exhausting having to be strong, for so long, particularly mentally strong. xx

    • #44908

      Thank you, Older Lady.

      I think things may have reached a point (detail removed by Moderator), as the threats are about finances. I will need to take action if his threats worsen. I am logging everything.

    • #44913

      Hey HUn

      Sorry to hear ex is been a pest again , please report him

    • #45523

      I think the best way to bring him to the ground is what you do: claim child support, claim everything what you can from him and do not give in whatever he tries.
      Let him do whatever he wants and do not agree to anything, reject everything and stick to your legal rights only.
      You are clearly the one on top of the situation.
      That probably drives him crazy.
      I think you should sit back and smile, because he is losing.

    • #45555

      They most definitely do not change.

      I hope your well.
      You sound strong and prepared.
      Hope your practising self care

    • #45598

      Hi. I’m new to this forum and I can relate to some of what you all have mentioned. I’m trying to be strong after what my ex put me through during our on and off relationship. I’ve had a difficult day today because my voice was not being heard by certain professionals, regarding an issue to do with my ex. Even some medical professionals failed to connect with me.These professionals lacked empathy and were somewhat judgemental and it really upset me. I felt today that my voice is being silenced and that my vulnerability is not being recognised by the very people who are supposed to support me. when I tried to seek medical help to recover from my abusive relationship, I felt that I was being ‘fobbed off’ by them, as it is the weekend and I don’t tick all their boxes. I’m only allowed to be unwell during the week as that’s when medical help may be available. Providing weekend support is not convenient for them. Try telling my mental health that!

    • #45605

      Just to say this sounds really hard and yes you need to report the issues to protect yourself and stay strong.
      Jessica- with regard to the issues you raise, have you tried contacting the womens aid helping? They may be able to offer advice and support. Not being listened to or heard can be a lonely place to be.

    • #45714

      Home, I’m new to this forum and have just been reading about your never ending problems. I’m at the other end of your journey in that I’m still in the marriage and am too weak and lacking in confidence and hope to see a way to get out. I applaud you for making a stand and God knows how you ever got away from that situation in the first place. You must have so much more fight in you then I can find. I don’t believe its ever achievable for me to get out and I don’t know what would be out there for me even if I did. I started writing on here as I have no network of friends or confidante around me and really need to let some of it outside of me. I have no friends and desperately need to be able to connect somewhere so that his opinion on everything is not the only voice I have to Base my self and perspectives on.

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