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When I was in a ‘relationship’ if you can call it that with my daughter’s father and he used to behave abusively, he used to say ‘what do I know, I’m just a man’. In other words, he was on a learning curve when it came to relationships and he needed my guidance to be a better man. How sweet… Apparently I had learned to respect people’s boundaries and he had not and therefore couldn’t know when he was crossing them. This lack of an education in respecting women was coming at a cost to me however, as this ‘innocent’ trampled all over my rights, my health, my security. Over the years the mask has slipped and it’s been me that’s had to learn that he knew what he was doing all along. He was just working out what he could get away with and for how long. So I just want to say this. If you are with someone and you are not comfortable with their behaviour, rather than listen to their excuses, or doubt yourself, know that he knows what he is doing is wrong. You will save yourself a lot of time that way.
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I quite agree.
My ex once said that ‘I made him a better man.’
What he was doing was trying to plead fake ignorance and inferiority, so I wouldn’t chastise him about things and so he could get away with more.
In fact, he knew what he was doing. He fancied hims of as levered than everyone else who was, in issues, gullible and malleable. People were just pawns on a chess set- to be played. Rather than use his energy to improve and reflect upon what was the right thing to do, he used his energy and acumen to orchestrate a very complex reign of terror and subterfuge on us all, attention having been given to the minutest of details.
I am so proud that when in court and I was asked if there was no way we could both be in contact about the children, I assertively stated that no, because he was controlling and manipulative, that he wouldn’t behave , because he loved to emotionally and mentally abuse me. (detail removed by moderator)
He was stupid for thinking that I was stupid.
Me was stupid for thinking I was stupid!
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My ex said to me really early on, we had only known each other about 3 weeks & were having a chat, ‘don’t forget that I will make mistakes, i am a man after all’. I thought it was good of him to say that and thought he meant that men are a bit slipshod and clueless. I forgot it, but all throughout our relationship he had seemed to have paved the way for mishaps to be acceptable. I was confused for most of the time that we were together, confused about what was right and wrong. I hugely over compromoised and didn’t see that I was giving everything and he was giving nothing.
Ladies, when you say they know what they are doing. My ex never looked devious, i don’t think he had the basic intelligence to plan anything over a long period of time. But that said I remember a few instances when he displayed sadism towards other people who had wronged him or told me how to do this if somebody had wronged me. One day my sister was a bit rude & unreasonable to me in a text message. My ex advised me to not respond and to not respond for about one week. I knew that my sister was suffering from stress and that is why she was rude. I didn’t want to play that power game of silent treatment towards her.
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Hello all,
I’ve just started to make arrangements to leave mu husband.
All your comments are opening my eyes. He used to be cruel to his daughter and she ran away in her late teens. Now he’s started to be mean to our little girl.
When I confronted him about his mistreatment of his eldest (a child from his previous relationship) he also pleaded ignorance, having grown up with no family. (He did grow up in foster care but as far as I know his foster parents were good people).
For example, he used to discipline his daughter for lying to him – we’re talking a little child accidentally breaking a fridge magnet or sneaking a sweetie into the pocket – something silly like that and not malicious or manipulative lying – something we all did and parents our smiled at that.
He would literally interrogate her on every little detail of how it had happened, threaten her and demean her until she was shaking. Because he hates being lied to.
When I told him that he’s got it wrong and that all children do this and it doesn’t warrant severe punishment and causing distress and fear; and that he needs to reconsider his ways, he would say ‘How should I know?(detail removed by moderator). I am desperate that she’s lying to me. Help me.’
This is a very clever tactic and it left me confused – angry at his behaviour and at the same time feeling as though he is wants help and I should support him.
I actually believed he was genuine.
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Yes, I can identify with this. My ex came from a broken family, he never knew his biological dad and grew up thinking that another man was his dad. He found out (detail removed by moderator) that the man who he thought was his dad wasn’t. He was then raised by a severely abusive tyrant and basically left to get on with life by his mother who had no time for him. I have always felt sorry for him believing he is damaged from being raised this way and treats people abusively due to internal issues & behaviours he has learnt.
He has an adult son and he plays power & control games with him. He does not have a relaxed, easy, normal relationship with his son. He likes to wield control, by giving silent treatment & deliberately not answering messages. His son and his sons wife have told me their relationship with him is traumatic & they don’t trust him. I tried to talk to him once about trying to control people & that it will get him into hot water and people do not trust him, he got angry so I had to change the subject.
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Appleninja- I have witnessed this too. His fostering is a real fact in his life but he wants to use it as the excuse for his abusive behaviour to the child. He wants to use the fact of his fostering to get you to shift your allegiance from the child to him. You may find that he is jealous of the child too. My daughter’s father is jealous that I take her to activities or places, and especially of the time and attention she gets from me. He doesn’t make these comments in public because he knows what people would think. He complains to me in private. ‘Nobody ever taught me how to cook…’, ‘nobody ever did this or that…’. He controls the finances so he is the only one with the money to buy her gifts. He’s told me he wants to be seen as the fun dad. He’s false. That comment, ‘how should I know’ I’ve heard it as an excuse over and over again. They use stereotypes to hide behind, such as ‘you’re a woman, you understand about these things’. Now if he’s talking about childbirth I might agree, but what when he’s actually being abusive to your child and he wants to pass it off as lack of parental skills? It’s very sly, very devious. You were right to tell your husband he has got it wrong. In fact, this is why I don’t agree to unsupervised contact when my daughter’s father asks for it. He was trying to behave abusively towards her or in front of her to me and kept passing it off as (1) me being too touchy, (2) him being inexperienced at parenting (3) him being a man and needing a woman to show him (4) problems in other areas of his life. In other words he wasn’t going to take responsibility for the way he behaved nor was he going to acknowledge he was behaving abusively. He has no tolerance of her outside of a few hours of fun and games, when he wants to parade himself around and about as ‘dad’ and he will soon enough let her know if he’s displeased, ignoring her for long periods of time and showing her she is not his priority.
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Hello All,
Greta posts with insight. I think belief in my own judgement is recovering somewhat. I thought I was being too sensitive and unjust to him.
But you are so right – they know what they’re doing. And I agree with you Healthyarchive – there are so many people who have endured hardships and yet they are kind and loving. So no excuse for these guys.
Apple xx
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