They won't leave me be but it's all so subtle

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

My abusers won’t leave me be.

I still get texts from my ex-husband saying that he is finding clothes in his bedroom that belong to me and would I like them. I have told him around 15 times since I left a few years ago that any such items should be given to charity. I feel that he is finding any excuse to text me. The bedroom is small and I think it is just silly that he has ‘just found’ my clothing given that it has been years since I left. I don’t reply to him, but he texts pretty periodically.

I have found out that my abusive stepchild has now been offered a role in my workplace. HR and my boss are dealing with the situ with me. But it has all gone a bit ‘Single White Female’. I decided to look them up to see if I could find what they look like now, in order for me to be able to avoid them. Call it yet another coincidence, but they now have similar accessories to me and, weirdest of all, they have a pigmentation in exactly the same place as I have one. I have had the pigmentation from childhood and this one has suddenly ‘appeared’ looking identical to mine. I wish I hadn’t looked that this now.

How do I just ‘switch off’ their interference? My parents tell me not to look on the internet and to ignore texts, but when one keeps contacting me and the other want to be in the same residential and now working spaces as me, I don’t think I can be comfortable and relaxed. These people are being really clever, as the actions in themselves don’t seem like ‘stalking’.

Feeling creeped-out

Lilycat x

[Serenity]

Hi Lilycat,

Subtle is somehow worse, because you worry that people will think you are crackers if you complain that’s it’s abuse. But you and I know both know it is. These under-the-radar abusers are lethal.

Sorry if I have missed something from your previous posts, but why are you allowing him to still text you?

You say your employers are helping you with your situation. In what way are they helping? Are they clear about what will happen if x, y or z happens? Maybe if they are conclusive and specific, it will help you to feel protected. Have you told them everything? Are they supportive, and do they fully understand?

Hugs X

[gentlespirit]

Your instincts are correct in that this is creepy. This sounds like your former abuser is determined to know what you are up to or to get someone who is loyal and close to him to find out what you are doing and how your doing. From my own experience after being discarded for years my abuser used our son and daughter to somehow get me sucked back in to do what he wanted me to do and in the process sucked the life out of me again.
I do realize that my ex sister is toxic and manipulative and she has her hooks in our daughter and my daughter has tried to get me on facebook yet I told her I do not do facebook. His sister is trying to use our daughter to get information about me. Save yourself some trauma and keep ignoring the texts no matter how persistent and do not get pulled into the internet cuz your ex is trying to get a reaction out of you. This is called covert abuse and it is damaging so please protect yourself. If you have a chance try reading “The N*********s Nightmare” by Shahida Ariba. Take care.

[Savingmyself]

Hiya LC
Can you change your number or block his number if you have a smart phone.
Please keep us up to date about the work situation
Copying is very common as they want everything we are
Big hugs x*x

[Lilycat]

Hi Serenity and Saving Myself,

I cannot go into much detail with the workplace situation, as if my abusers are looking at this forum they might be able to identify me. It is enough to say that my employer is a large organisation spread throughout my city. However, by being ‘in the net’ my ex-stepchild will have access to many of the physical spaces in which I work, to which they were not previously privy as an outsider.

HR and my boss have been informed about the extended abuse history and the personality traits of this person. They are sympathetic and will work with me to ensure that I am not left wide open to abuse and threats. I am also going to tell them about the latest in copycat appearances. But I think they get the drift that this individual is sick and twisted. They are also asking for medical and therapist reports as evidence of the nature and seriousness of the trauma. They cannot restrict the individual’s access, as there might be legal implications were my stepchild to ask why they are being singled out- freedom of information et al, so we can’t go down this route. However, there are areas of our organisation that are strictly limited to those with very specific security clearance, so I have some safe spaces left. From this week I will be carrying a mobile phone on my person. depending on whether I get permission to upload the Security Department number the phone will have the Hollyguard app.

I am going to change my number, but want to do so after all of the divorce proceedings are finalised. If I change it now, my (soon to be) ex will only write or try to come around in person or play up in some other way. It is clear from ignoring text upon text that I do not want to contact him and do not want contact from him. He doesn’t take the hint and has written to me a few times and even sent me gifts. Telling him that I don’t want contact does nothing. When I put my foot down, he gets nasty and tries to manipulate me in even more devious ways.

Thanks to you both for you words of encouragement- they mean a lot.

Take care

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi Gentle Spirit,

Thanks for your perspectives and the book recommendation.

My case is quite unusual in that it is my former stepchild and not my ex who is the most severe of the two abusers. The stepchild made my life an absolute hell and did things like (detail removed by moderator) wear my underwear, break my belongings and insinuate that I was, at various random times, a s**t (for wearing kitten heels) or butch (for wearing flat shoes). Anything and everything that I did was wrong. But they have been perversely obsessed with me at the same time, making their handwriting identical to mine, working in my new (post-escape) neighbourhood and even having the same physical pigmentation (drawn or tatoo’ed- I have no idea) as me.

My husband has some kind of power issue, because I left him and his child following a long period of coercive control and emotional and psychological abuse. So, in his eyes, I humiliated the both them by leaving and exposed them for the frauds that they are. Both like to be seen as pillars of their community, so my leaving would have been an embarassment. My stepchild has very poor impulse control and extremely strong sadistic and n**********c streaks, so they liked to play with me as a cat plays with a mouse. By following me into the workplace the cat and mouse game continues.

I had a meeting with my boss and HR today. They are doing their best for me and have said that I need to report any contact my ex-stepchild makes with me, be it in person or electronically. They are going to confirm whether I can use Security’s number as the call line for Hollieguard which is an anti-stalking app. Furthermore, they have made the appopriate escalations up the chain of responsibility in this individual’s department in order to ensure a quick response and appropriate safeguarding should anything transpire.

Kindest wishes
Lilycat x

[Author]

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