Things crashing around me. Not sure what to do. :'(

[Lilycat]

Hi folks,

This might be a bit of a vent, but I feel like I have hit rock-bottom.

A few years ago I finally escaped my abusers. A while ago, I got what I thought was a career break and am doing something I am passionate about. But I have come to the very harsh realisation that although the area of my work is really meaningful, I am working amidst a circle of high-flying, n**********c careerists who seem to lack a full range of human emotions and possess a strong Machiavellian tendency to be pleasant and open only when it benefits their advancement. My word! I have landed in a sea of creatures that resemble the cold and calculating behaviours of my soon to be ex-spouse! How on earth did I do that to myself?!?!?!

I feel like my aeroplane has been shot down in flames and I have had to press eject; so, I am now in free-fall. It’s an odd feeling- part-numb, part-horrified, but oddly chuffed that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that I see executivedom for what it is. It really is largely as horrible as the Hollywood blockbusters and satirical novels make it out to be.

Although I am, in some ways, glad that I have learned a home truth about those who get to the top, I also feel completely lost. It’s as if I have smashed into a wall at great speed and I now have absolutely no idea of what to do next. I kind of feel sick that I was stupid enough to land myself right in a hornets nest of people like my super-successful Jekyll and Hyde husband. But I understand why I did it. I had to pretend for so long, to show my bullies that they couldn’t hurt me. So I pretended to be something that I wasn’t and got very lost in giving off a confident and strong aura. This is not so of all executive environments, but within most you have to show a false self- steely, unflappable, always up for a challenge, perfectly turned out and so on. I just can’t fake it anymore. Other people can put on the act and, God-forbid, some people are actually as ‘cool’ and ‘alpha’ as this; but something deep inside me is refusing to play the game any longer.

Right now, I just want to do volunteering and hide away doing artistic things. I’m a driven and strong woman, but also a quiet one that sees no point in decapitating everyone else with my huge platinum-spiked shoulder pads and power suits. Hear my roar!!!… No, thanks.

I’d be really interested to know if any of you have had similar experiences, including a career or lifestyle crash, and what you did next to dust yourself off, stand up and start again.

Onwards and upwards we go, together

Lilycat xx

[Tuppance]

Hi Lilycat. I am not sure how much I can put on here properly without being recognised so sorry if it reads a bit cryptic. My husband and I had our joint interest, started from scratch, for more than two decades. It was great and a real family feel to it. We sold it in the end but still ran it. That was when I crashed my own aeroplane, so to speak. It was great whilst I was the captain, making logical and rational decisions but when I became a member of the cabin crew I hated suddenly being part of a fundamentally profit based corporation to whom everybody was just a number. I gradually worked my hours down, taking advantage of the right to request part time working hours. I finally left for good but as we had other interests my time was quite full. Since becoming ill I have stopped altogether and whilst I need this uncomplicated time ( my brain is frazzled ) I miss being part of something where I could express my own identity ( he had no control of me in later working hours ). I have time now to notice the terrible things going in in this world and feel I have a chance to make a difference. I am not sure how yet – I read a little ( still find that hard to concentrate ) of current affairs, global social mayhem and the shocking lives some people are forced to live and I am determined to leave my own little footprint somewhere where I can make a difference and give my life a purpose. I don’t know what it is I want to do but how I will know it when comes along – that then that means I must be ready. Until then I am coping, just, trying to work on my exit, existing but dying a little each week that goes by, I try to be a good person, do a good dead each day, pay it forward, just like the film. Take some time out, for yourself, and start a journey of self discovery – then you may find something that fulfills you emotionally and spiritually – something you enjoy and can be true to your real nature. Good luck x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

It is hard when we are free to stop berating ourselves due to being abused and can then see clearly the behaviour of many around us. I felt so inferior all my life till now that I hadn’t realised. I don’t see it that your world is crashing around you. I looks to me like you are incredibly successful and intelligent and a good person. That’s a wonderful place to be. You could do anything, way more than those around you who lack emotional intelligence. We need people like you to break the mould and make changes to these corporate environments. That’s precisely why we need more women to reach the top and not just by competing with the Machiavellian traits of aggressive men.
I work in very different profession, caring and female dominated but I still feel different from the colleagues around me. I think we have learned so much from our experiences that it changes us deeply and we have a deeper insight and empathy than many xx

[Suntree]

I a while ago got a training attachment to the job I loved and will still love to do. I was b****y good at it too. Unfortunately the place I live and there was enough back stabbing from some to put me off doing it.

I walked away and stayed in a job that why it wasn’t the job of my dreams it had people who are amazing.

Then life changed again, I met the ex and again almost got my dream place to live.
I walked away from that too eventually.

My job changed and I am stuck in a job that is at times soul destroying with men who if I do step out of my role and god forbid praised by anyone, they do the best to put me back in the box.

I would leave but I have children to support and the job market is not kind to someone who has the needs I do.

I think of it differently. I enjoy the moments I get to laugh and chat with good people in my job.

I haven’t given up on my dreams, my dreams are expanding since I left the abuser and I am learning more.

But it is my outside life which feeds me. I don’t have a lot of it but I do have some and even on the internet I have some wonderful friends who I have never physically met.

I have friends who I have known for years and ones I have made since I left.

In the mean time I am growing and there is the funny feeling that I am where I am because the world is about to shift again. I am hoping the skills I have learnt in this job will be more transferable than the ones I held before.

What I do know is my friends some are for now and some will stay with me forever.

So I have moved on and started again, stayed and made the best of things, stayed but moved to a different move. Put my dream on hold, tasted my dreams and had to let them go for now.

My advice

If you want to do volunteering have a look around to see what you could try.

If you want to do art stuff, if you can find a course and join it, go on a weekend away or a week holiday doing it.

You never know you might meet a whole bunch of people or even just one who are like you and are very happy in their own skin and don’t need to strut around like a peacock or roar.

Some of the most amazing people I met weren’t high fliers or in a job they particularly loved or with people that were likable. I am so glad for every wonderful person I have met in my life. Their voices are starting to be stronger than the abusive ones.

[Serenity]

Hi Lilycat,

After abuse, we become super aware, highly vigilant and intolerant of similar behaviours.

This past week, I have felt a bit like you. I have felt like running off and going to live on a remote island, because it’s easy to become disillusioned with life when you’re hurting and when you’ve had your eyes opened as to how some people can be.

It you were born with specific talents. It would be sad if others’ behsviour steered you away from any path which you feel you were made for, though I know what you mean, behaviour like that is repellent to us now. What so mean is, it would be a tragedy if you weren’t able to be your authentic self because others’ questionable behaviour drove you out.

I am reminded of the words of Ghandi: ‘Be the change.’ There are some pretty nasty people in the world, yes, but there are also others who would rather die than go against their principles, however much freedom they have by being wealthy. JK Rowling had recently dropped off the billionaire list, due to the amount she has given away to good causes; Marc Ching is risking his life every day to rescue dogs from the barbaric dog meat trade and torture in China, and the poor man is. Instantly in tears about it, but won’t give up, and some practices have recently been outlawed due to his work; I read recently that a Finnish-Syrian man who risks his life to take toys to children in Syria, despite having escaped once himself, because he wants those children to have some not in their childhood and to be children, and a British acting troupe recently risked their life by going there to perform magic tricks tricks to make them smile amidst all the desecration.

My work is in a sphere which is meant to be alruistic and charitable, but I know some people who resemble the Machiavelliens which you describe. I think those people are everywhere, in all walks of life. But what is the option? To flee, and let that area of work be populated by monsters like them? Why should we denied our right to practise our talents? We can practice professional integrity, even if they are too weak to.

Be the change. I remember another quote Inonce read: the purpose of our life is to discover our talents, the meaning of our life is to share this with others.

Selfishness and manipulativeness isn’t a strength. These people fall flat on their faces sooner or later.

Be you, with bells on x 🔔

[Lilycat]

Hi wonderful ladies,

Thanks for you compassionate, determined and kind replies, and accounts of your experiences.

I have had it said to me to be the change and also to be an example of hope and success for female empowerment. The sad reality is that being a poster-girl for successful BME women is hell on earth, sometimes. Not all women executives are kind, caring and promoting of the Sisterhood of Glass Ceiling- Smashers. Indeed, some that I work with climb the ladder, smash the glass and,once at the top, use the ladder to smack other women around the head to beat them down and chuck glass shards at them! Also, coming from another culture, some Alpha-human behaviours that happen here are totally anathema in my own culture that I risk daily getting taken for a ride and squashed pancake-flat, as I don’t conform.

There are many articles that promote more opportunities for talented women and ethnic minorities. The problem is not, in my experience, a lack of open doors, but in some cases the great big room of medusas and angry bears that you enter once you get the key.

With the above said, there are some fantastic workplaces that lack a bear-pit. My last employer and the one before that were great and there was a wonderfully supportive atmosphere at all levels. I have just landed on my head within the current place. It’s miserable- people evade responsibility and pin blame on those who are ready to take it and are conscientious. Smooth talkers win, grafters lose. But, perhaps, it was ever thus.

Lilycat xx

[Serenity]

I know what you mean, Lilycat.

Hold onto your belief in yourself and your talents. Do your best where you can. But don’t sacrifice your health for it.

You can’t take on every single battle- choose the ones that where you can make some difference. You can sometimes only chip away at things.

Sometimes, we won’t live to see the changes that our small actions eventually lead to. But our individual lives, when added to others’, make up a movement, or at least safeguard the continuation of certain value in the world.

You can’t take on the world. Only your small corner of it. If you feel your health suffering, don’t be scared to use your talents elsewhere in a more productive place. You’re only human, and can only do your bit.

One day, you and I will both have that home with peaceful surroundings and will pass the time with our artistic hobbies! We will have earned it!

[Lilycat]

Thanks, Serenity <3 :).

I am happy to chip away in bite-sized chunks in a small corner of the universe.

As Suntree says, often the most wonderful people aren’t high-flyers. We should be wonderful in our own little ways. But, we shouldn’t set out to be wonderful.

The only reason why I went down the high-flying route, is that you get responsibility enough to enable real and significant changes to benefit others. But I have discovered that this can come at a significant personal price, limiting our own health and wellbeing. So, really, I’d rather just be known as a kind daughter and friend, and a person who can put a smile on the face of someone who is going through a difficult time in their lives. Success is temporary, but kindness can be the difference between life and death, confidence and despair.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

[SamSun]

I am up early hours of the morning again stressing and feeling anxious about the overwhelming responsibilities of my work and managing home life….aftermath of kicking a narcisst boyfriend out changes, (removed by moderator) daughter demands and loss of confidence and direction. I got support from the (removed by moderator) and CBT targets mindfulness, writing it all down, finding alternative solutions, setting small realistic goals and taking small next steps. Reading your responses fills me with hope and courage. I am seen as a confident creative, assertive woman leading and supporting (and I am doing this) but all my life I have felt weak and not strong “fake” inside. This “developed role” is so that I do not get musched up by bullies and competitive tyrants. I have had lots of bashings and losses. I carry the scars of earlier family dysfunction and father violent abuse mother in denial sabator. My family is broken and if I go there, still there is pain. My choices of men I thought were getting better. The last one was a master class narcisst. I returned to (removed by moderator) to get this man out and I am finding (removed by moderator) life is full of dominant dictating bullies (removed by moderator). Management is often the key area to teamwork, clear boundaries and shared responsibility. Within the (removed by moderator) I notice battles of ego, confidence and competitiveness.”The artists way” and “The Vein of Gold” by Julia Cameron were 2 books that helped shift a few gears in my creative life. Psycho therapy and psychodrama has helped validate and support me in finding my own voice and speaking my truths. This has en powered me to stand up, take steps, shift the gear, cut the loss, chuck the c**p out. There is pain, I cry a lot but I will not lie down. I keep walking, I need to rest now I see. I am practising and developing my meditation techniques to rest and let go. I am noticing meditation is really positive on so many levels. I would like to get back to yoga. I have started back on my healthy plan again but I tend to do everything by myself, lone sports like swimming, walking, painting but I did enjoy dancing classes before he came along. There is a light, an inner strength and speaking the truth is powerful. My history is the start of many books we women can write to support the changes. To create a space, a room of your own to be able to breathe, hold vision, create, work it out. We are here today. I am the lucky one. I am awake. No one is perfect. I only needed to hear from one soul at work that “this **** is really going on” and I have my rod to climb, to walk the walk until I am ready to make the next shift. I know so many people but friends they are not, even at church. I am a lone wolf wishing to find friendship and trust. To nurture and love myself more with compassion. To take things easy for a bit. I love the moon, finding it sat there suddenly in the vast blue dusk. Good night, I wish you all courage for a new day. Thank you for your sharing. It is helping me get through this rough bit till I start working on my next chapter. Hugs X

[Nova]

Hi
I’m here too in the middle of the night…again!
Things are crashing around me & Im alone battling on!

On auto pilot at the moment, re job situation, I’ve had the rug pulled from under me, because of the emotional abuse. It caused me to have severe anxiety issues & still do, about my own abilities & competence to do my creative work, that I know deep down I’m really good at 🙂
I have been worn down & this has flicked a switch in regarding my creativity & passions…me that I can’t switch back on at the moment.
I know it’s a step by step approach,to protect my sanity & keep him from destroying me…I now volunteer for a charity, I take a creative class, swim, have applied for a course for next year, booked a weekend to see a friend.
Basically put things back in my life I had before I gave it away to the monster, to get myself centred, be kind to myself, & try to surround myself, at least generally, with kind like minded people, who are not driven by the throwaway n**********c driven social media culture…there is another side to the world & life which is much deeper, less superficial,more honest & liberating!

It’s up to us to be gentle with outperform selves,I’m aiming to lose the baggage of the monster, it’s not mine…it’s his mess to deal with.
I am not him I am me, be kind to yourself, small steps!
Ps I wish I could have a big catchup with you all, you sound like amazing women! I need people like you around me!
Hugs xx

[Nova]

Pps…few typos in that! Middle of the night zzz!

[Author]

Posts