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Initially my partner was very jealous and questioned all my past relationships/ male friends. I white lied about a couple of flings in the past to avoid the confrontation. I forever regretted it as years on he used it as justification to be unreasonably jealous and irrational. For a while I accepted and tried so hard to make it right because I was to blame. But then years on, things he said were so untrue and hurtful, plus getting worse rather than better, I became less sympathetic to his paranoia.
When lockdown happened we were in a small flat and the abusive name calling, put downs (stupid girl, used to be attractive, ugly f**k etc), got worse and he got physical (would push me or shake me during arguments/ not let me leave).
One drunken event happened which left me bruised and I didn’t recognise myself. I left silently with a note but I had what I can only describe as a panic attack and I went back.
Since then we have moved to a larger flat and for (detail removed by moderator) nothing has happened (he’s called me the odd name after an argument but it’s been fine). Things are how I always wanted yet I feel anxious and sad a lot of the time. Part of me wants to leave but part of me just can’t. I have tried a few times/ packed my bags but something stops me as I go to do it. I just can’t get over the line and I feel panicky and sick.
Sorry for the essay but if anyone has any tips, it would mean more than you know. I never read about anyone in my situation – I think he has changed but I don’t know if I feel the same.
Thank you in advance of you respond and I hope you’re okay x*x -
It sounds like to me that things will never change and only get progressively worse.
You need to have a good think of this is how you want to live your life. Do you want to feel like this every day. Now he’s started with the violence and he’s got away with it he will likely keep pushing this further and further. -
Hey there.
I sort of get how you feel I am a month into a calm time but is it a calm time?
So i sat here and thought…
Today i am tired ive had a tough day at work he hates me working and i do it against his wishes he told me to quit.
(Detail removed by moderator). He is now sulking like a baby.
He will never ever support me just becuase he isnt shouting at me or thretening me or calling me names does that mean its calm, its good its nice?? Maybe you are not seeing all that he is doing maybe you like me forget what we call the small stuff maybe we are so used to the big stuff we just let the smaller things go over our heads things that are still not nice still not good?
Maybe thats why you still feel bad because you know deep down this isnt right and that you are not happy. You know you dont need a reason to leave you dont need a reason to fall out of love with someone however he hurt you that is more than enough of a reason babe. Listen and trust yourself believe in your feelings. If you need help reach out womans aid can help you talk this through help you understand more.
Sending hugs xxxx -
Thank you both so much for responding- I honestly appreciate it so much.
I totally understand and he should encourage you and respect the fact you’re working hard. Keep going, you should be proud of the work you’ve done and what you have achieved! I understand because my partner used to be like that in lockdown and be angry if I was working rather than spending time with him.
The thing is for me now, it’s literally been (detail removed by moderator) and we often have good times. If it wasn’t for things that have been said/ done in the past then this would be great. I’ve gone over it so many times in my head that I don’t know how I feel anymore. Things are generally good but I have this little voice inside of me that doesn’t know what to do next and is scared to commit to something that I now don’t have full trust in.
How long does someone need to be non violent for to know they won’t be again?
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Honestly and im sorry for saying this but once they have been violent they know that they can and will do again. Mine has hit me many many years ago but I am still scared of him do I believe he will again Yes absolutly yes just becuase he hasnt doesnt mean he wont again.
Im so sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear.
That voice inside you is there for a reason sweetie listen to her xxxxx
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@Buttercream41 I am so sorry I thought I had replied last night. He hasnt hit me since its been a long long time. Would he do I think he would? Oh yes definatly I think he would.
Just because it was a long long time ago doesnt mean its ok now. Listen to yourself xxxxxx -
That’s okay! Thank you for responding. I am thinking about doing it this week. Can I ask you, what is making you stay? X*x
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Sweetie you can ask me anything.
This is hard to answer.
There are so mamy reasons i guess. Im scared i have a good life nice house etc I had a bad past had nothing was nobody he saved me and i will always be grateful for that. I self harm im no good on my own i wont cope.
My kids although adults need a dad I still have 2 at home and I will never ever leave them here with him as I have no where to go i doubt they will come with me and I wont leave them here.
Guilt. I still believe i bring it all on myself I cant get it out my head that if i was a better person he would be too.
Hope that one day he will see me support me love me like he should.
I cant bring myself to admit what he does says how he is, is abuse i cant say it I cant beleive it I dont want too I feel if I did I would break and never recover Im so scared so full of guilt doubt self hate I wake up each day with dread I hate living like this but I am too weak to scared to unsure to leave.
I am ok I am surviving been here over 2 decades am far too old to start again I can carry on I have to I guess.
Hope this helps you sweetie I really do cause if my story helps one person It will be worth it right. Sending you hugs and if you need to talk please please feel free to private message me. Stay safe xx
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Dear Buttercream41,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. You’ve already received some good replies, so hopefully you will find chatting here useful to help you sort through your thoughts.
I will just add that in our experience someone who is capable of abuse, like you have explained above towards you, does not change. It sounds like you are in a cycle, and whilst he might seem ‘better’ now, it is highly likely that the abuse will appear again and worsen. The way someone abuses often changes form; physical abuse might reduce, often because an abuser knows they are more likely to get caught that way, but the other forms of abuse and control can continue and can be just as damaging.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
Forum Moderator-
Hi Lisa, Thank you so much for your message – I will keep that in mind. I have one question but don’t worry if you can’t get back to me.
I lied to him in the first 6 months of our relationship about exes. I don’t know why and I have learnt from it. The thing is it really tore him apart and he felt he couldn’t trust me/ felt betrayed. He had nightmares and he suffered by thinking about me with other people or knowing that I had been on holiday with an ex when I said I hadn’t for example.
So I know he went through his own trauma and ended up taking it out on me. In your experience, have you ever known a similar thing and actually it wasn’t a cycle because it was situational/ a reaction to the woman’s own abusive actions?
I ask because it’s hard to know whether this was ‘abuse’ and I should be worried about the future, or it’s a situational reaction which has now been resolved and he is better. -
Hi Buttercream41,
In answer to your question and from our understanding of abusers, this sounds very much like a situation where he used something you’ve done as a means to blame and control you. This happens a lot and is abusive. You say you don’t know why you lied, I would suggest it was probably because you could sense, even early on, that he would not react well.
When these moments of doubt come up, which are natural, try picturing what advice you would give to a friend in a similar situation, or of course come on here for support. You’re doing so well, trust your instinct and please prioritise your safety during this time of leaving.
If you haven’t already please take a look at our Survivor’s Handbook which talks through how to leave safely. You can find it here.
Keep posting to let us know how you are,
Lisa
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It’s hard when things ease off with them and gets so confusing, personally, i think, is it that bad, did i imagine it? Am I making up something that isn’t there? But my gut has been niggling for so long that something isn’t right. I can’t keep ignoring that. My kids are keeping me where I am. i’m terrified of hurting them.
something you mentioned about working hit me though. I never saw that before, he makes comments about me working and putting it before him. Yet I’m the breadwinner and I’m the one keeping all the balls in the air. When I do overtime I do it from home with kids and not go to office, so its not to ask him to mind them or cause him inconvenience for the things he has to do. which are never urgent, but his to do list always is in his head. But as he says to me many times, i just don’t get it, I just don’t understand.
He has never been hit me. But there was one night that I woke up and his finger was inside me and as i’m always to afraid to say no to intercourse I just went along with it.
We haven’t been physical since. I just can’t, I don’t trust him now, he feels he is entitled and I think its much more than that. just cause we are married doesn’t give him a right.But there is so much to say about gut feelings to be honest. It’s frightening how I can read your story and others and say that’s wrong and you deserve better, yet can’t find strength to fight for myself. As another post said, I will leave, just not yet.
If it feels wrong to you. Then please listen to yourself. Nbumblebee is so right there. You deserve so much better. The quiet times are confusing, they make the doubt slip in, at least that’s what I find. But maybe even write down the red flags, the things you are not ok with. They will be reminders of the things that have hurt you.
If you don’t feel the same anymore, that’s ok. You can choose you.
Sending you so much strength and love
Take care x*x
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It is most confusing when things are calm, I totally agree. In a twisted way, I almost find myself wanting him to do something which is clearly abusive now that I feel clearer so that I can justify to myself that I’m not misremembering/ overreacting, and leave.
From my experience, it is the most confusing and just as bad when the abuse is verbal. So please don’t think ‘is it that bad?’ as it took me 2 years of him berating me over my past or things I’d said to realise that it was not normal. I blamed myself and things got worse. I’m not surprised that you felt violated by him in the night – that is a scary thing to happen and I know all too well the feeling of freezing because it’s ‘easier’, I hate to even admit it.
You’re right, he is not entitled to anything just because you’re married – your feelings must come first and you deserve respect. I’m in the same position as you in the sense that I feel so strongly about you and the other women on here yet I’m struggling to take action myself. I live in a bit of a double world mentally and my internal battles are exhausting.
These discussions are helping me to feel less alone though and stop burying my head in the sand every time it feels like too much to face. I hope I will feel the courage to make the right steps soon.
What I will say is that please don’t take on the responsibility of your children’s hurt if you leave. I grew up with unhappy parents – my mum was actually the abuser as she shouted at/ put down my dad often and yet she was extremely fragile to anything. The years of watching this play out seriously took its toll and in my teenage years I felt angry at my Dad for staying (even though he was innocent in this and now I certainly understand). The emotional struggle of seeing my parents unhappy was really hard for me and I always wished they were apart but happy. This is not to pressure you at all, but please put your happiness first and the rest will follow – they will understand and they will be okay. You are so worthy of happiness and you will have more capacity to love them fully.
Thank you for your help and sending you strength too xxxxxxxx
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Oh thank you so much. You are so kind.
You’re right it is so emotionally draining and it totally is a double world. I feel so tired now. I’m just exhausted from it all. Your feelings and experiences sound so similar and it’s horrible your here too.
I dread the weekends now as it’s more time at home. So just try to keep myself as busy as I can. But I find it so hard to focus alot of the time at the moment.
I hope your ok and find more strength soon.
Mind yourself x*x
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@Buttercream41 your first paragraph not twisted at all i and i know others feel the same way its almost like you need them to be nasty to be able to justify how you feel.
Im so glad talking is helping you. You make more sense than you give yourself credit for. Keep leasrning keep asking questions stay strong sweetie and stay safe xxxx -
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Hi I can really relate to these. I havnt had anything physical but I do find the calm and better periods (like right now) really difficult because it makes me doubt again and feel almost normal again where we can have fun, I can challenge things have diff opinions and not walking on eggshells and I think of him in a way that I always used to . But like you have both said it’s all in my mind still what has happened and this can’t be unseen or unfelt and it certainly impacts on trust . I find it helps to read back over notes I made because then I don’t feel as though Iv imagined it . They are very clever at making us feel like we have imagined things aswell which I hate and makes me really angry . I tell myself too this is part of the abuse cycle but because of the “brain washing” feeling it’s hard to believe that’s what it might be . Totally waiting now for something negative so I don’t feel Iv iver reacted ! Hope it helps to hear u arnt alone
Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft . It’s been recommended so many times on here . I actually found it myself when I googled “why does he do that ?” Out of desperation when I would go up to bed alone desperate for answers to my husbands strange behaviour. At the time I had no idea what gaslighting was but I’m much less confused after being educated by womens aid and this book . Take care xx
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