Think he’s given me an easy way out.. Should I leave now and how?

[equinoxal]

I’m probably in the fortunate position that my abusive relationship is a long distance one. This hasn’t lessened any emotional abuse though, if anything he wants to control me more because I’m not with him, its just prevented him from being physically abusive (which I know he would be if we lived in close proximity together as he’s alluded to it before and has been extremely physically abusive to his own mother, often talking about torturing or murdering her).

We’ve always talked about me moving to (country removed by moderator)to get to him so I could live there and now he wants me to come very soon, in the next few months. For obvious reasons I’ve realised I can’t come- I would be completely financially dependent on him (this thought excites him) and I have no doubt he would be physically abusive as well as even more emotionally abusive.

Anyway, he’s been very reasonable and good natured lately, and said that if I really don’t want to come (detail removed by moderator) to be with him I need to tell him so we can go our separate ways. It sounds too good to be true though, that he could offer me such an amicable breakup? I mentioned in an earlier post that the other week he threatened to tell my sister my dad molested me if I didn’t destroy a favourite possession of mine. At that point I really couldn’t take it anymore, I was screaming and crying and begging him to let me leave.(detail removed by moderator). Although we reconciled that same night he has continually threatened me and blackmailed me with telling my sister.

My point is: if he can refuse to let me leave and blackmail me when I’m begging to break up, how can he make it out like it’s so easy for us to part? Is it a trick? I’m suspicious. I’m worried if I do take the opportunity and tell him I don’t want to come he will blackmail me again. Whenever I’ve tried to leave before he’s just lost it at me. I’m scared of how he will react.
Or if I do take this opportunity he seems to be giving me, how should I tell him?

(Sorry, I know I’ve been writing on and on about myself!)

I don’t know. What do you think I should do?

[Peaceful Pig]

I think he is hoping to make you admit you want to leave him and when you do you will see a swift change in attitude. My advice would be to say nothing but plan to leave as quickly as possible while he is not around. He sounds potentially very dangerous, trust your gut instinct, it’s right. Ring WA to get some advice and support to plan. Make all the arrangements you safely can and then stop contact. Good luck and stay strong xx

[Suntree]

Advice leave, don’t move, don’t become reliant on him because you will never leave or get away.
If he can do this now what else can he do when he has full control over you?

The blackmail, well there is three ways of dealing with this.
But the first way is to take the power away from that.
So he might not tell, will you be okay with one day he might or might not?
If he does tell, what are you going to do?
You can say it didn’t happen and he is making something up just to hurt you and your family.
Or you can say this is what happened.

You need to do what is right for you. I would suggest finding a therapist who can help you work through what your father did and finding the right thing for you.

Please leave him and the fall out will be hard but a lot less worse than if you move in with him.

[AppleNinja]

Hi Equinoxal,

I agree with Peaceful Pig that he’s laying a trap for you. He’s looking for a reason to lash out at you. He’ll give you a chance to make a choice but if that’s not in alignment with what he wants he’ll use it to punish you for opposing him. You’re quite rightly suspicious, especially you’ve experienced abuse when you tried to break up in the past. If you say you want to stay with him, he’ll hold you to that as a promise – which, if you try to break again, will serve as a another reason for your punishment.

With a person like that you cannot win.

I am extremely worried about his talk regarding his own mother and I would also be worried about that poor lady’s safety. How people talk about their parents indicates lot about them.
He is a dangerous man.

From your previous post somewhere else, I gathered that the molestation thing was something he made up – I’m not sure if this has happened to you or not.

However, if this is not true and he seeks to cause trouble for your family, you also now have ammunition to fire back – talking about torturing and murdering one’s mother would be high on the list to be reported. I know you can’t prove he said that but he cannot prove anything about your dad either (supposing he made it all up).

(detail removed by moderator)

Art any rate, please do not move in with him – it will be a hundred times more difficult to get out.

Apple

Apple x*x

[equinoxal]

Thank you for the helpful responses everyone. I think you are correct that he is probably laying a trap…in any case, today he ‘gave me a warning’ that he feels like he might flip out at something tiny soon. So it is probably unwise to leave him now. Ho hum. More waiting for the right moment to leave I guess.

[SaharaD]

I always go with neutralising the threat. My abusive husband couldn’t say anything to my family and friends because I was already telling them about his behaviour. If he tried to tell them anything they would realise that from what I had said before that he was lying to them or trying to get them to isolate me.

So you could just tell your sister that he is threatening with lies and then whhen you leave he can say what he likes to her. She wont believe him and know that he is only making it up because you left.

[EeyoreNoMore]

His warning to you that he might flip out again is exactly his way of controlling you to back down, get back in your box and not threaten him. He’s pushing you down emotionally and exercising his control. Can you call Womens Aid or any other helpline? They will be able to help with the support you need xx

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