Think I will always feel this way…

[Peacethroughhealing]

I saw him after the police interviewed him – from a distance a few days later. He ran away from me, scuttled off. He was waiting outside for someone from my work – I just know it. Has he just moved on already? I’d like to think not after everything we have been through together. I met up with him when he was harassing me and I wanted to be left alone but I was scared and also loved him so I met him. I have to see him most days now because through my reputation he has more work now that he is sober and people thought he was with me. I didn’t give a statement because I didn’t want to make things worse and I didn’t want to get him into more trouble because of his previous conviction but how am I going to live with seeing him swanning about my work like the best guy ever and then moving on to another woman who will get the best of him. It makes me sick. I am so angry, upset, lonely. So many conflicting emotions.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like a dreadful situation and you feel stuck with it due to work. I question your thought that she will get the best of him though, she’ll get exactly what you got and you know how awful this is. Perhaps if he were charged for the harrassment this would give you the space you need? Sounds like they’ve maybe cautioned him have they?

These men do tend to move on quickly, because they need another supply, someone to take care of them and make life easier. This cold awakening is horrid PTH I know, but you will get used to it, if its true it shows us that this is what he’s like.

Can work help at all? Can you confide in anyone? So that something can be done? xx

[Peacethroughhealing]

Part of me wishes I’d gone the full way and made a statement re everything he has done. Especially when he is now acting like this. He’s free to move on and I am suffering and he’s getting all the work too. It’s not right or fair. When I think of the way he has treated me and he gets away with it. Maybe I should still report everything in time.

[KIP.]

He’s playing the victim card. Google triangulation in domestic abuse. My ex involved a third party for maximum hurt. It’s just another form of abuse. He could do all this miles away from you being discreet, move jobs, move town but they choose to do it under our noses. The abuse continues. My ex did something similar thinking I would rush back into his arms. I went straight to a solicitor. I still loved him and was scared of him but for me it boiled down to self preservation. To burn the bridges so that I could never go back over them. My heart was ruling for a while till my head caught up. Sounds like your head is catching up quickly. Be aware there’s a time limit for reporting crimes. There is also the civil court for either a restraining order which would prevent him coming near you and therefor triggering you or a personal injury claim against him. The burden of proof is much less in civil court. How dare he x

[diymum@1]

ive been triangulated like this I was doing a job that involved people heavily relying on me and he text in the middle of my shift to say ive met someone amazing and shes so much more intelligent than you! at the time I had to go and sit down – I was distraught in the middle of dealing with something really important at work! the other staff noticed and I was sent home, I nearly lost my job because he constantly did this to me knowing full well the impact it would have. this is difficult but the best way to deal with him is to look like you don’t care – don’t feed his ego. as far as reporting him have a good long hard think about how you will feel if you do this or not. womens aid will be able to advise do whats right for you. in the long run it is always to the best for your self – keep your pride in tact and hold your head high – you did nothing to deserve any off this. for the record I can guarantee he will treat the next woman exactly the same inevitably xxxx love diymum

[Peacethroughhealing]

His dad emailed me (detail removed by moderator) to say (detail removed by moderator). Another layer of hurt. I’ve been a mess in work today and am breaking my heart tonight on my own. My house has boxes everywhere because after I moved in (detail removed by moderator) he became more abusive and I’ve not been able to get on my feet. Another stress of how I am going to get the furniture out, I feel sick to my stomach.

[AlwaysSorry]

It sounds like he is resorting to continue the abuse through his father now. Reclaiming gifts, so pathetic and yet it’s what they do because they know it will hurt, how couldn’t it. I lost ALL joint property thanks to his mother and the police, even if I could prove it was joint I wasn’t allowed to remove it from the flat, not even the things I had receipts for or had paid for in full myself. I wonder if you can challenge this legally. I would think that the concept of gift-giving and how it is without condition should be enough for you to keep it. The question is – do you want to keep it or would it only serve to remind you? If you do decide to go along with returning it, stand firm on when it suits you for these removal men to come and see if someone can be there with you. I would also make it clear that he should not come for this removal, I would suspect he would enjoy seeing you hurt and you do not deserve such treatment. In fact you deserve so much better than he would ever be. This is underlining how awful he is and how his parents enable such behaviour.

I really do like KIP’s words as always. Burning bridges so that we do not go back. So well put and perhaps this is what you need.

I am sending you hopes for a peaceful night, I know it hurts like hell but remember through the pain that you have done nothing wrong and you deserve so much better x

[Peacethroughhealing]

I saw him all week in work. I sent his dad an email. Nothing that could be used against me, can’t believe I’m saying that, or anything that could be seen as harassment. I still love and miss him so much. I went to see the (detail removed by moderator) last night and wept. We were going to see it together and a lot of it was poignant because of his recovery from alcohol too. Life is so short so why did he have to be like this. I wanted to spend my life with him. I feel broken and I can’t get rid of the pains in my stomach. Pretty much constant now and especially since the blundering police and their efforts, or no effort. A lot of the time I feel sick to my stomach with pain in the pit of my stomach just wanting him with me. I worry that he’s met someone else which is quite possible. I know that would mean that he is very shallow. I just can’t stop thinking about him and I want him to hold me. I’m going on holiday this week and with friends of friends but I want to be with him. We could have been away. I wish to god I hadn’t gone to the police after the way they dealt with things. I so wish I could turn the clock back but ti’s too late. The pain I’ve gone through since I contacted them was not worth it and he will never speak to me again. I don’t care about the furniture.

 

[lover of no contact]

Its good you’re going on holiday this week. At least that will be a week of No Contact with him. This will strengthen you. Its normal that your holiday will bring up the ‘feelings of wishing things were different other than they are, longing for a man who cared, cherished, loved you (he could never do this for you) to be on holidays with you, wanting what’s not meant to be’. These feelings are normal, I had them on holidays. I would be going through the beautiful scenery on my holiday with my friend and the ‘longing’, the wishing and the wanting feelings’ would be there. I just had to feel them. Othertimes on the holiday they weren’t there. But sometimes they would surface and I just had to accept them. Thrown in with ‘the longing, wanting, wishing things were other than they were feelings’ was the deep emptiness and void. But I got through it and thankfully those feelings didn’t ruin the holiday. The holiday did me good and was just what I needed.

[KIP.]

It might help a little every time a positive memory surfaces, replace it with a negative one. I added the face of his brother who was a despicable human being. Who knew it ran in the family? But it’s going to be painful for a while but it will pass. No contact is important however you achieve that. It’s a question of rewiring your brain. The police told me to get an STI test done. When it came back negative my first thought was what a lovely man my ex was, he didn’t give me anything. It took me 10 minutes before I realised he was a dirty pig and the horror of waiting on that test result sticks with me. So our brains work against us too. Just keep taking baby steps x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Sweety

So sorry you are going through so much heartbreak atm…

I can relate to your love for him and the sickness in the stomach. I was very trauma bonded to my second abuser. The attachment to him was stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced. Nothing in the entire world mattered but him. I thought it was love. But love doesn’t kill you, destroys you. Trauma bonding does.

Once I realised he was an abuser, I got quite angry and started reading about Trauma Bonding, Stockholm syndrome, it helped me to discover my love for him aren’t my actual feelings but chemical reactions created by the social bonding hormone called oxytocin.
I dislike intensely to be addicted to anything and was offended to learn this wasn’t love but some chemicals taking control of me. I wouldn’t have it. I was set to detox of this person, going through rehab if you will. I gave myself six month to get over him. Allowing myself mistakes and ready upfront to forgive myself for it. I set myself to retrain my mind. I reprogrammed my own thoughts to fall out of love with him.
I started using the past tense instead of the present whenever I thought of him (I love you) to the past (I loved you). Screaming and crying it but nevertheless using the past tense. This made me believe that my feelings were in the past and gave me timely distance. This was the hardest part. Then as time went by I associated every loving feeling for him to one of his cruel behaviour, this placed even further distance and eventually every loving feeling transformed into disgust when thinking of him and instead of craving for him I loathed him.
I now think of him as an empty shell, a beautiful android, completely devoid of love and filled with cruelty. Finally the real picture of who he is.

You fight this terrible loss and heartbreak with your head leading honey, not with your heart. You are respecting and feeling your grief but your mind is in control of it. Set up a strategy to help yourself. You’ll get through this.

Wishing you strength and a very fine holiday. I think it will do you some good indeed. Sending you hugs 💞

[Author]

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