25th May 2016 at 8:22 am #17920KIP.Participant
After my marriage ended I was consumed with thoughts of being alone and never finding another partner. Even 18 months later the thought still plagued me. Some of it was my ex telling me no one would ever want me, I had a mental illness, I couldn’t cope on my own. Anyway, I’m now very happily single and I found out the reason we crave a partner the way some of us do. Initially I put it down to society pressures and insecurity but I read an interesting article about women’s DNA. Back to cavemen days again when it was in our biology to find a partner and have babies so it’s kind of programmed into us. After what I’ve been through at the hands of a man I would have though I’d never look at another one. The best bit is I now have a choice. We now have a choice. I choose to be single. A man I met told me he was surprised I hadn’t been ‘snapped up’. Well I choose not to be! How good freedom tastes. Hope you all have a great day with choices and decisions you are free to make for yourself❤️
25th May 2016 at 9:09 am #17926SerenityParticipant
I have really begun to savour my freedom too. It feels like I have been let out of a prison in many ways.
25th May 2016 at 3:51 pm #17957HerindoorsParticipant
I am in strange place where I am really valuing my freedom, making choices, doing what I want and I don’t want anything in the way of that. At the same time I get lonely and wish I could meet someone who was a great partner, rather than what I had with my ex. I am not sure what I want but to echo KIP, at least I have a choice in the matter 🙂
26th May 2016 at 1:24 pm #18025SerenityParticipant
The bubble of idealistic love has burst for me.
I had a husband who said all the right things when it suited, then stabbed my children and I in the back. He was false and cunning.
I don’t want to be bitter or angry all my life, but nor will I be naive and 100% trusting. I will protect myself.
If I meet anyone else in the future, so be it. But I won’t wear my heart on my sleeve and give more than I get, and I am very happy in the meantime concentrating on restoring my health and finding myself again X
26th May 2016 at 5:20 pm #18035RebuildingParticipant
I always pretend I’m happily single, truth is I’m not sure I ever will be. I have amazing adventures with amazing friends pretending the world is great. But inside I’m just praying I’ll stop feeling so numb and empty. I want to know that someone can love me. That I’m not the damaged girl he made me. That my opinions matter and that maybe I am pretty. I know it’s me that has to realize this but One night men and single life isn’t really helping me. I make men a challange. I pick guys I know wont want me and become exactly who they would want/. Really I just want someone to see through it.
27th May 2016 at 9:41 am #18083SuntreeParticipant
KIP what a lovely post.
The moment I found what makes me happy which didn’t rely on just one other person. My world opened up.
I did things by myself, with new groups, with my children, reconnected with old friends and was in the moment.
It allowed me to let good people in and kick into touch those who weren’t good for me and to fill my life with exploring and good people.
And then I found my now boyfriend.
We both were open for a relationship but we both weren’t expecting it and didn’t start off as one.
I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it as I knew what was to come with the abuser and was just enjoying the laughter and peace we had together.
Some how even if it is only for a while we have that “family” I would dream of, you know normal, loving, caring, doing things together, apart, respect for everyone, love, compromise, understanding, working together.
I was happy being single I wasn’t looking for another to join our family. We found each other through mutual interests, were open to seeing what would happen if anything, both not expecting anything.
The difference is I am not scared to leave him if that is what is what my family needs, yet I feel supported and cherished.
My life is different again, this time I like the book that is being written. I like this new chapter. 🙂 And its not because of a partner, its because of how I feel about me and how the children are responding to a happy and confident mum.
27th May 2016 at 10:13 pm #18128Peaceful PigParticipant
There are some who want to prove to me there are nice men in the world and people who ask me if I’ve met anyone. To be honest, I’m still not convinced and I often feel sympathy for people who have to bother with partners and can’t just do as they please. Maybe in time I’ll soften and open up to the possibility but I know I have much healing to do before I would be safe. I ignore any pressure and love having the right to choose and knowing what I need now xx
27th May 2016 at 11:26 pm #18132SaharaDParticipant
My situation is odd. I look back and I’ve spend years think about and caring and treating other people. I feel like I need to care for myself and absolutely love myself and my life.
If I’m honest I hate my life right now. Deep down I’m unhappy. I mask it well and try to be positive. I spend a lot of time alone. I know it’s not good but I haven’t got any other choice and sometimes I prefer it.
I know people “love” me but they don’t treat me good and then I get upset and have a crisis breakdown. I like who I am single more than who I am in a relationship. I know that I don’t have the skills to pick a good partner for myself and I also don’t have the skills to make a relationship work.
I date several men at once. It’s the only time I can get close to anyone. I can’t get close with friends or family. I only want a bit of intimacy and I don’t want them taking over my life. I don’t want them entwined in my life.
I am aware that men want me. Ask me out. Ask me to move in with them. Ask me to go away with them. But that would mean giving up my freedom and inviting them into my life. Maybe I don’t want them to see my bad side or more I don’t want to see their bad side. I’d rather keep everything superficial. It hurts less when you stop seeing each other.
I say and do things with these men that I can’t with family and friends and other social groups that I belong to but I don’t want them to be my emotional support.
Around them I can just be myself and not be expecting or hoping for anything. Someone asked me if I dated these men to get revenge….I don’t want to get revenge. It is entirely a selfish pursuit. Something to fill my loneliness temporarily. I will always be lonely. I’ve had to live with it all myself. it’s part of me. I just need to learn to live with it instead of looking to others to fix it permanently.
I know they are nice men in the world. Just because you are nice doesn’t mean that you don’t hurt people.
I don’t want to be hurt……ever again….I’ve loved and I’ve lost and I do not want to love again.
When people ask, I say I spent xx amount of years worrying about keeping other people happy and it is time to spend the next xx keeping myself as happy as possible. I think I have earn my stripes to be selfish.
I avoid one night stands. I have lovers. For a few hours, however fake, we get to be very nice and almost perfect to each other and then go back to our normal lives. I never thought of love as idealised. I knew relationships could be difficult and would required work but I never knew they could cause and were causing me so much emotional pain.
I’d rather be bitter, lonely, angry than to be hurt again. People might say I’m missing out but I think I know what keeps me stable enough to enjoy a few happy moments and what makes me want to jump off a cliff. Being in a relationship makes me want to jump off a cliff even with people who never abused me.
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