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    • #18889

      Sometimes I think I must not be quite aware of what went on…

      At times I just brush off any feeling about it, and sometimes I try to put myself in the shoes of an onlooker, let’s say a friend, a relative, a passer by. What would they think? How would they react? If I had called the police afterwards, what would have happened?

      I watched a film about two women who get raped, and one of the scenes shows you what the women go through at the police station/hospital when they take swabs, take pictures of the bruises etc. Sometimes I try to imagine what would have happened if I had rang. It haunts me to think that way. I sometimes can see the similarities between a rape assault and a strangulation. They are different crimes but the effects are in a way the same, the horror they cause is in the way the same, I mean in the shock it would give someone looking at the scene. My son witnessed it. I remember he shook as he sat on the kitchen surface, something he never would have done, the sitting on the kitchen surface, his feet on the surface too. He said absolutely nothing as he watched me text a friend and then she rang.

      The rest is a blur.

      The bruises started to appear the day after, all over my arm as my husband caught me sideways, and also on my breast, I kept looking at the colour of the bruises go from deep blue to purple, green and yellow. I hid the marks on my arms by wearing long sleeved t-shirts. No one knew. No one could see. I hid it from my kids too.

      And most of the time I just brush this event as just part of life. I don’t see its importance any more. I think people make a big thing of it and I am living. I diminish what it really means. And I became docile, very docile. Extremely docile.

      It is now just a few years, you could use just one hand to count on your fingers. One day at the Freedom Program my whole body shook like a leaf as the leader of the group spoke about strangling, the precious seconds you either live or die. I ran out of the room. I could not stop hyperventilating. It is somewhere in my head, in my memories hidden just like the rest. The longer I stay the more I diminish the importance of what I lived.

      But at the counselling assessment the lady said ”listen to what you just said, once is enough”. I still diminish just what I said, I can’t fully realise what I say.

      So when I watch a film where such scenes are depicted, I want to freak out but I don’t. I have not watched a scene like with my husband present yet. I wonder what he would think…

      I wonder what my kids think.

      It is there in my head, just hovering in the background. All the time in fact. All the time.

    • #18895

      You obviously become more aware of what went on in your marriage.
      You lived in denial and this is normal. You gave yourself to the man you loved and the hardest thing to admit to yourself is that he is a covert murderer, that he does not love you, that he abuses you.
      You are in the process of realization and with it come memories that you hid from yourself.
      You did well writing this down. It will help you put your thoughts in order.
      You are progressing.
      Your awareness increases.
      One step closer to freedom. x*x

      • #18899

        Hi Ayanna,
        I actually processed all that happened while I was at the refuge, as I read Lundy Bancroft’s book, I made a list at the back of my refuge diary, lots of things I remembered, I listed all the details, all of which are painful. It’s like watching your whole adult life with a sense of failure, humiliation, despair, humour too. I mock this man in my head.

        A friend of mine told me I am playing a very dangerous game (she is an ex counsellor) by regaining the control of my life, I ignore my husband, I say the bare minimum, I deal with all my needs that come up daily, and she said he knows he is now loosing control and power because I know how to read into abuse from both sides now, thanks to all I have learned and studied. She says he will escalate his abuse.

        I have seen financial control now, being given no access to money, I have seen his anger and ignorance, his weird reactions including saying things loud enough for the kids to hear even if they are exaggerations or ridiculous interpretations. He is hoping my son will report me. He even rang 999 to say he was verbally abused then passed the phone to me when he couldn’t give a specific date concerning me, he lost all his sanity that day…it was actually hilarious to hear him on the phone…

        But my son is happy to be with me, we keep asking each other how things are going, did we have a good day so far, he hugs me, he smiles, he bought me sweets and texts me 😃 He had stopped all that months ago…he is my son again.

        His dad however has no smile for anyone and my son often looks unhappy or annoyed when he has seen his dad as he gets back from work…the wheels are turning.

        I have so far heard more inappropriate comments, lots of outrageous things, ridiculous, contradictory. But the difference is I don’t”bite” anymore, I stay unreactive and he hates that. I have become the grey rock (as per the theory presented in an article about n*********s).

        I live my life and I am smiling, I have given up arguing, talking, discussing, debating, I don’t bite.

        We will see. I am processing indeed.

    • #18907

      It must have been awful being strangled, I am processing all of the years as well and I face a bit then block it , its too much to cope all at once, when I look back bit by bit it has been so awful at times
      I also mock mine in my head now or smile to myself without him seeing, and the humour they say and do and look at you in the most ridiculous non sensical ways. Sending you a hug for all you have been thro and are going thro xx

    • #18927

      I think I am going through the same ”processing” process. I have been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years and it is funny because just today lots of memories from the past came to my mind, and one of these was when I was strangled by him. I am now starting to remember the first bruises on my arms, the tears, the screams and I feel awful for not having taken any actions earlier. I feel I lost many opportunities in my life in order to be there for him, but I now I feel something inside me is changing. I only need to find my way out! Be strong and do not give up x*x

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