Thinking of going back

[Phenomenon]

Hey,

I can’t sleep so here goes …

I’ve fled from my own home (detail removed by Moderator) ago. I’m starting to realise what has happened to me and I’m really such a mess. I am numb and scared and I feel like hitting my head off a brick wall or hiding forever in a hole. I suffered emotional, psychological and physical abuse which ended up with me in hospital. I covered for them. Protected them. They didn’t mean to. They didn even hit me that hard. I have phoned for therapy and am realising that I need professional help but there is still a part of me that wants to go back. Part of me that knows it isn’t right but craves this person. I am discovering that I had a trauma bond with this person. I feel lost without them and I think I’ve over reacted. I’m reconsidering going back even after everything. I feel so much guilt for leaving them. They are sending really lovely messages and kind words. Any advice?

[Healingspirit]

Firstly, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you! This sounds like such a whirlwind of terrible events that no one should have to experience. You should be SO proud of yourself for getting out, that is a huge step so congratulations! It’s something to celebrate and shows your strength and courage. I think that after ending any relationship we go through phases of wanting to go back, but trauma bonds make this much more powerful. It’s great that you’ve made the step of seeking therapy, work with them around this relationship and the trauma bond.

You do not need to feel any guilt. You are not guilty. They are not a victim of your actions. You have fought for your freedom and safety and you do not owe anyone an apology for that.

I think I would stop contact with them altogether. It just seems like another way to coerce you. They might be sending you lovely messages now, but were they being lovely when you ended up in hospital?

When I get feelings of missing my ex, I write down all of the things I don’t like about him, the things I won’t miss, the ways he hurt me. And after that, if I have any energy left, I’ll write down the things I do miss. This list is always much shorter and tends to be generic things like ‘cuddling’, which says a lot.

You are so strong and powerful.

[Phenomenon]

Hi Healingspirit,

I’m so sorry for the lengthy delay in replying and I want to say thank you for your message. I did not go back. It has taken all of my strength but I did not go back. If I had, I truly believe I would have lost my remaining sanity or worse, my life.

I’m so sorry that you have gone through a traumatic/abusive relationship. I wish you all of the healing in the world and if you experience any bad days please feel free to pop up, I know I’m a stranger but I can relate and hope to help if I can. I have been journaling and when I start to miss them I look back at the nasty words they would say to me “pathetic, incompetent,unattractive,useless, hindrance (I have a disability) ” and it is helping me to heal so far.

Thank you so much for popping up. This is more helpful than you will ever know

Kindest thoughts and love your way

Phenomenon xx

[Author]

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