Thinking of reporting to the police

[Whiteflower]

Hi, I just wanted to get some advice in terms of pressing charges. My ex partner has unfortunately attacked me. (removed by moderator) When we got home the violence continued. I went to the hospital and told them this happened when I was drunk. A (removed by moderator) he attacked me again, (removed by moderator), The police came but at the time I told them no assault had taken place and they just removed him from my home, (removed by moderator). I think I am ready to report this as I want a restraining order in place and don’t want this to happen to other women. I’m just worried that since I haven’t been honest as the time this won’t be taken any further, how do I go around reporting domestic violence? He tells me all the time that I am the abusive one and I’m so worried this will be turned back around onto me. He has called me threatening to smash my windows and harm me (removed by moderator). Can someone advice me on the process of this and how I go about doing it, or even if it is the right thing to do? Thank you x

[KIP.]

I would absolutely advise you to report this all to the police. Ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer. We have all defended our abusers but there comes a time when enough is enough. His behaviour is escalating and you definitely need help and protection. I rang 101 and a couple of officer came out and took my statement. He was arrested and given bail conditions which gave me the space I needed. Keep all the evidence you can, text messages, emails, witnesses, dates and times of incidents etc. It has to be your decision but I do believe he’s left you no choice. I don’t regret it and there will be lots of help for you from victim support. Do you have support from women’s aid?

[Whiteflower]

Hi,
I rang and was told the soonest appointment would be Monday, which is making me worry as that’s a long time to mull things over. My friends also witnessed this incident and have decided they want to report the incident too, I haven’t received any support for this as I’ve only recently decided to take action I wouldn’t even know where to begin! I know that this has to stop now and has to be over regardless of how I feel about it, it’s just so painful to do x

[KIP.]

All abusers blame us for their behaviour. It’s nonsense. He’s not the one with the fractured wrist, you’re not the one attacking him. The facts speak for themselves and the police will understand x they want abusers held accountable too x

[KIP.]

I know how painful this is for you and that’s exactly what your abuser is counting on. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for some support and information. Try to contact your local women’s aid. The very next time he comes near you ring 999. Id ring the police back and tell them you’re extremely scared for your own safety and that you need their help sooner. If you could stay somewhere he can’t find you until Monday if that’s the earlier the police can come. It’s not really good enough to make you wait but in the meantime stay somewhere safe. Victim support have a helpline too. This is the most dangerous time for you when you try to end a relationship with an abuser so stay well away from him. Don’t be fooled into contact. It’s sad that it has come to this but you simply can not negotiate with an abuser. He has had chance after chance and he won’t stop until he is made to. That’s his problem now and he’s not your responsibility. Just keep yourself safe if the police won’t deal with it sooner. But it’s clear his behaviour is escalating x

[Whiteflower]

Hi,
Unfortunately I don’t have a phone at the moment as he snapped it up when he discovered I had evidence on the phone of injuries by him, I just feel so nervous and frightened of the idea of going to court as I have terrible anxiety. When he turned up at (detail removed by moderator)am he kept telling me how I’m a totally different person now and he never knew I could be this evil to not let him in when he had no where else to go. The idea of him going to jail makes me feel really upset, I think it’s hard as well because no one seems to understand why I keep taking him back, to be honest I don’t understand myself either. So the judgement makes it hard also because I feel quite lonely throughout it all. I’m worried because Monday is a long time for me to mull things over and go back on what I think is the right thing to do and a lot of time to make me change my mind out of guilt, I’m so nervous of the whole process to be honest. He is just so manipulative and knows that I’m so soft and will give him chance after chance. But it’s at the point now where it is hurting everyone around me also, and I’m losing those closest to me because they can’t deal with what is happening anymore. I just feel so lost and in such a dark lonely place, I just can’t seem to understand why someone I love so much is hurting me so much. I can’t imagine my life alone, I can’t imagine meeting anyone else. It’s just so awful, sorry I’m going off topic I think it’s just because this is where I can get everything out! X

[Alittlelost]

Can u record any calls u take from him if u put it on speaker phone when talking so if he threatens u then u have it recorded as evidence?

[Anonymous]

Although the phone has been broken, do you still have it? There are tech-savvy people who can retrieve information.

[Whiteflower]

Hi yeah I still have it but it’s more or less in half x

[KIP.]

Don’t worry about court. If your case ever gets there, there are screens and video links so you won’t even have to go if you don’t want to. I don’t know your history but it has to be really bad before he will go to jail. Mine didn’t. The main thing is to stop him hurting you. No amount of loving him will stop him hurting you. You’re lost in the fog of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Hurting those you love is how he isolates you and that is your step too far. Use this knowledge to push yourself to make a statement on Monday and don’t hold back. You really have to, at this stage, just take that blind leap of faith. He won’t stop for you so maybe he will stop for the police and court. Absolutely zero contact going forward to stop the mind games x

[KIP.]

For what it’s worth, he doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t hurt you. Love isn’t violent and controlling. Your thought pattern is confused due to the abuse and it need to be rewired. Imaging him doing these things to your friend, mum, sister? How would you react? Please report him and let the police deal with him. You need to take care of you, because he has shown you he cannot x

[Whiteflower]

I know, he was arrested for harassment for his partner previous to me and breached his order about 4 times, no action was even taken, there’s been so many reports made on him from his ex girlfriend and things that have happened to me but they just seem to allow him to get on with it, I’ve never heard fro, him for about (detail removed by moderator) days now which is good, I definitely know I’ve had enough now. I think it’s just about building up the courage to act on it x

[KIP.]

He’s showing a real pattern of dangerous behaviour. You will be helping any future victims too. They should absolutely be taking you extremely seriously. Get support from women’s aid. They can help you with reporting x

[Whiteflower]

He is constantly in bother with the police but seems untouchable for some reason! How do I go about getting support from women’s aid?x

[KIP.]

Google and find your local branch. Victim support are also worth a google and contact. You might find there is a domestic abuse charity in your areas that can help too. He’s not untouchable, it just takes the right officer to pursue him and hold him accountable. Ask to speak to a domestic abuse police officer x be assertive and insist on action x

[Whiteflower]

That’s great thank you! I’ll update you how it goes, not holding my breath though unfortunately x

[Whiteflower]

Hi just an update,
I think it has gone well, there is 2(detail removed)counts of assault and harassment and stalking. They’re going to collect statements from the witnesses and have take photographs of all my bruising and fracture. I don’t want to get my hopes up for it going any further as I know it has to pass cps etc first. I explained I had messages etc from friends in a group chat discussing amongst themselves what had happened the night of the event, also messages my friend sent to my relative to explain what has happened, however she said she will take these at a later date which is making me feel a bit on edge that they won’t be included in the investigation as they’re good pieces of evidence, my friends are all happy to do a statement which I think will help. They discussed getting a non molestation order in place, and said they’re putting me in a high risk category for domestic violence, however I’m not really sure what the category part means. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I know that the anxiety and guilt will soon catch up to me, she mentioned Claire’s law to me etc also, really helped me feel at ease as I explained I always felt as though it was me who was the abusive one in the relationship, she informed me how this is a normal tactic in place by an abuser. I’m just nervous for what comes next I suppose! X

[KIP.]

Hey, I will be thinking of you. Just do your best and tell them everything, remember abuse is also a pattern of behaviour with you and the larger picture of him targeting others. They will keep your statement too in case someone else reports him x

[KIP.]

Hey, well done. Don’t worry about how they collect evidence. They will probably go for the evidence that’s most important first. That’s the first hand evidence of you and witnesses. The messaging back and forward doesn’t really prove anything it just backs up your story. They will know what evidence they need in law to strengthen your case. You need to let the police do their job. Sounds like you got a knowledgeable understanding officer. Make a note of their name and speak to them if you need to ask anything. There are various categories of risk assessments. If you’re high, it’s because they think your case is much more serious and you’re at a higher risk of harm from your abuser. It’s going to be a lengthy process so you need to pace yourself and try not to let it consume you. Just be extra careful, always carry your mobile phone on your person and fully charged (buy a cheap one of yours is broken). Contact your local women’s aid and victim support. You are entitled to be kept up to date on the progress of the investigation. Well done and power to you. Don’t feel guilty, if your carry his guilt then he won’t have to. Try to relax tonight and watch out for any aftershocks that might come from talking to the police. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Try to eat and keep a bottle of water next to you. Keep hydrating yourself. We often forget the basics, food, water and sleep x power to you x

[HunkyDory]

Whiteflower well done, you’ve been really brave pushing ahead with this, I’m glad it’s making you feel better already. Don’t worry about anything now, let the police do their job and concentrate on your recovery. It sounds like you have a great group of supportive friends to help you. Xx

[Whiteflower]

Thank you both! I honestly don’t think I would have had the courage to go ahead with it if it wasn’t for everyone’s support through this forum, special thanks to you kip for your constant replies they really helped me stick to my guns! I’m going to get in touch with women’s aid to see what support I can receive and I’m just looking forward to better days now! I feel quite positive after this so hopefully I keep this spirit up, looking forward to my life changing for the better! X

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