This has only just occurred to me…

[Lottieblue]

Yes, I can tell myself that I’ve done a great job raising our kids almost single-handed. Yes, I can tell myself I’ve done my time, and now it’s for me to call my own shots and not to be doing everything for other people, but I’ve just realised that it goes much deeper than that. It’s not just that I deserve for the tables to be turned, but what I have done is actually pretty amazing. I have skills that are really valuable and that could stand me in really good stead, because of what I have achieved over the last two decades.
BUT… the thing that is constantly getting in the way of that consciousness is how (and it’s getting so much worse day by day) HE manages to talk about the child rearing in our family as if it was a joint effort. And he lectures other people about children and young people because he’s “been there done that” when he’s done nothing, when it’s ALL been me. When actually he has challenged me on so many of my decisions and I have stuck to my guns because I’ve known I was right, putting myself absolutely in the line of fire.
And the effect is, of course, that my achievements are completely belittled, because none of it was really me, was it? I couldn’t possibly be the amazing person that my achievements would suggest. What on earth grounds do I have for holding my head up high and saying I’m worth more than this? It’s like we did it all together when oh we so didn’t. We so didn’t.

[Cecile]

Hi Lottieblue, this is the same for me. He was like a cardboard cut out of a parent and he just copied me or did things by rote. Couldn’t have empathy with the kids, or help them with problems, and terrorised them. Its been playing on my mind a lot recently. It’s really important that you make a list of all your strengths as you now realise that you have. I have been seeing a therapist and with each passing week see him more and more as the hollow empty shell of a human that he is. By contrast I have achieved a lot in the face of adversity but probably could have achieved much much more if I hadn’t had to expend all my energy, psychological and physical and emotional, on trying to not anger him, trying to be some doll like human.
It looks like you are really beginning to detach from the trauma bond, to rediscover yourself.Keep it up. Write down how wonderful you are. xx

[KIP.]

The key thing to remember is that abusers are liars and fake in all aspects of their life, and every time you see them do something like this just tell yourself it validates that fact.

[Author]

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