This has to be the end now, I have to leave

[Zuesy]

I’ve been planning on leaving my abusive partner for a while now, I mentioned in another post I was leaving clothes for me and my daughter at a friend’s bit by bit because I know if he gets onto us leaving he would try and stop us. He’s not physically abusive anymore (he was (detail removed by Moderator), it was reported to the police but I stupidly withdrew my statement (detail removed by Moderator)) but because of his previous I’m worried of literally packing and leaving in front of him.

I was hoping to maybe be able to arrange a refuge (detail removed by Moderator), or at least speak to women’s aid on live chat with a view to get in a place in a refuge as soon as possible, but now he has my bank card!!! I get a small amount of money tomorrow, around (detail removed by Moderator) so I was hoping to use that for train fare if needed. It’s as if he’s guessed my plan, he’s had the card for about (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m worried if I ask for it back he’ll ask what for, I’m worried he’s sort of fishing for an answer or trying to catch me out, I might be being paranoid but I know that’s kind of his fault. I hate this. (detail removed by Moderator) he’s Been doing the silent treatment again, I’m constantly worrrying what I’ve done wrong, offering to cook for him make brews to try and sweeten him up and make him forget whatever Ive done wrong. This can go on for days and it’s mind numbing, my anxiety is all over. I don’t know what to do anymore 😔

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Zuesy

Yes, I hear you, this is just the most stressful and worrisome time, and difficult to know how to manage. Hopefully this will be a short-lived spell for you as you plan to move away, which is a big undertaking so adds to the stress levels.

You have obviously come to the point of knowing this is your only way out, only way of making the abuse stop.

Have you checked whether he can be put out? Whether you can stay in the home and the police remove him on an occupation order? I wasn’t sure if you were aware of all your options, so this is useful to know.

So, in regards to your bank card, can you cancel the one he has and reorder one to be collected by yourself from a branch? You can pick it up once you have left even, but it is worth your accessing some funds to support you. Are you able to get cashback with shopping on your card? Do you have access to the bank funds so that you could transfer some money into an account in your own name? Is this his earnings, or yours or both?

I hope that posting here and writing down some of your worries will help take the pressure off a bit and you get a sense of support for all your efforts. Certainly let us know anything you need so we can see if there is any additional advice or supports we can give or recommend.

Its is a time of heightened risk for you both, so there’s benefit in doing those extra things for him if its going to keep you both that bit safer, not prodding the lion, horrible as it is. Also you might talk about some future plan or other, to throw him off the scent a bit, reassure him that all is ok, and keep him thinking further forward than the imminent. Do you have passports, and utility bills, for proof of identity when you leave?

Sending you all the energy and strength you need for this, and will be thinking of you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Zuesy]

Thank you ts,

As daft as it sounds, I never thought of transferring the money, I don’t have another account but could send it to a friend as it is my own money that due to clear into the account.

With regards to staying in the property myself and getting the police involved, I’m petrified because of his mental health he will get away with his behaviours, he has (detail removed by Moderator) he is that poorly, I know it doesn’t excuse what he’s doing, but I’d rather not stay here, I’d rather leave, as hard as it is and just start again, I don’t care if its a million miles away and I know noone, my daughter is my life and I want to get away just as much for her. Don’t get me wrong he dotes on her, she knows nothing about what’s happening because to her, he’s a perfect dad, she’s only very young anyway so won’t pick up on what he’s doing. This makes it a little harder because I know she loves him.

Surely with his record, the police reports/calls I had to make (detail removed by Moderator)….I was even advised by a social worker (she wasn’t involved as such, just called to see how I was doing after I called the police (detail removed by Moderator)) to speak to the police with regards to Clare’s law (detail removed by Moderator) 🙄.

If I’m honest I feel like I’ve let myself and my daughter down not leaving sooner, I should have left (detail removed by Moderator) when all this went on before, but as daft as it sounds, even now it hurts because I feel like Ill be judged (detail removed by Moderator). My head is all over, but I am leaving, whether people think I’m out of order or not, the professionals, police, social worker, will have records of what happened, surely I will get support from them and they will know I’ve done the right thing for me and my daughter. Not to mention (detail removed by Moderator). I’m just worried he’ll say I’ve just left because I can’t cope with his Illness. I’m crying now. It’s really hard. I’m sorry to go on x

[Twisted Sister]

oh bless you, you have no need to explain anything to us. Maybe the tears are a good release for you, but you have to do whatever you have to do. The getting him out is only a different option, that you may or may not have already considered, noone here can tell you what you should be doing, you know for yourself how you will best manage this.

Its take so much strength to do what you are doing, and noone else matters, it doesn’t matter whether others think ill of you, they don’t know how you’ve had to live, and like you say, illness or not, he’s been abusing you, and that will have its effects on your little child, no matter their age. When mummy is feeling how you are because he’s abusing you, that abusing them too.

Its hard to think of everything, thats why it can be so useful writing it out here, everyone comes up with different thoughts to contribute. I’m glad you will be able to access the money you both will need.

Do keep posting whenever you need. Keep strong, when you get to refuge you will have additional supports available to you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Zuesy,

You’ve already had some great support and suggestions, so I just wanted to add that not having train fare doesn’t have to be a barrier to you getting to refuge. A lot of refuges are able to access the Rail to Refuge scheme and arrange free train travel for you. There are other options too if needed, such as a travel warrant from a local council, which you can discuss with a support worker on the Live Chat when you connect for your refuge search.

It’s not uncommon for women to experience financial abuse as part of domestic abuse, so support is available that takes this into account.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[gettingtired]

You have nothing to feel bad for. You’re clearly a wonderful Mother with your daughter’s best interests at heart. I think we all wish we had left (or would leave) sooner but it’s extremely difficult and complex. If it was easy we would all have left after the first abusive incident.
Stay safe and let us know how you get on. Sending a virtual hug x

[Mummyofboys]

I’m going through similar but my partner is physical aswell as emotional. It’s so so stressful I lay in bed thinking about all these worries you have and it so draining I hope the best for you. Message me if you need any support from me I understand every bit of emotion your feeling. The forum is a massive support also you should talk the a worker on the live chat so they can help you x

[Author]

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