This topic contains 84 replies, has 23 voices, and was last updated by  iliketea 2 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #105410
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Hi, a few of us felt it might be useful to write some posts to give information and support on specific issues. I think in a way we are all experts because we all have our own individual experiences, and each and everyone of these can in some way probably help somebody else. Its good to talk and share, that way we don’t feel so alone. Most of all abuse thrives behind closed doors, in secret, in silence, it’s what feeds it.

    My GP identified the abuse, after someone on mumsnet told me it was Emotional Abuse. Naively I had no idea what this was. It opened up a whole world I didn’t know existed. I just knew my relationship was cr*p but I genuinely thought it was my fault. That I had made him this way. It was like this at the start, so I must have done something. And when I think about it, he said I had, so I had just absorbed that being drummed into me. All the things he said I was, on repeat, day in day out, for years. It was like brainwashing.

    Please add to this, describe the abuse, the methods, the actions, the things they say and do, the words they use. Please be very careful of your identity, write in general terms, not specifics which could identify you, keep it anonymous, don’t talk about actual numbers, don’t mention gender of your children, or ages. I am blown away how time and time again women are describing my partner. But there have also been times when I’ve gone, hang on he doesn’t do that so does that mean he’s not really abusive. The media seem to always talk about abuse in terms of physical incidents, or stalking, or monitoring, or tracking, I am no way minimising any of those behaviours, but it is also a lot of other things too, some with those aspects, some without, some with others. As I understand it, it is all abuse because of the way it makes you feel. And that is the key. Someone more articulate than me and knowledgeable can probably explain that better and in more detail – please add if that’s you.

    To get more of an insight into the whys try and get hold of Lundy Bancrofts “Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men“. When someone suggested I read this I immediately recoiled and said to myself “That’s not him, its not that bad” –
    in my mind picturing a thug, smashing in doors, drinking, telling me not to wear a short skirt, tracking my every move, making me have sex when I didn’t want to…BUT that was MY misconceptions…This book is incredible and a complete eye-opener, when I read it in one night, I was shaking my head, my whole body was shaking, I couldn’t believe how accurate it was.

    Please add your own description if you want to. Headings would probably make it easier, I’ve tried to define some, add if you think of others that are more appropriate to you.

    Behaviour
    He is always accusing me of
    Emotions
    Control
    Money
    Physical
    Sex
    Timeline

  • #105411
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Behaviour
    People think he is laid back and easy going.
    He is different in front of people than he is at home.
    If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
    He will dominate a conversation and talks easily about himself.
    He rarely asks people about themselves.
    He is always right.
    He talks over me.
    He can say the same phrase over and over again if he doesn’t like something I’m saying.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
    He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone, does something repetitive.
    He wakes up in a bad mood, doesn’t speak in the morning.
    He is never happy, but he does sing when he has upset me, when I cry.
    He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
    He is clever.
    He doesn’t talk to me.
    He never seems to relax, always on edge, like a volcano, about to explode at any minute.
    He doesn’t make resolutions, he says they are pointless, he doesn’t need to improve anything.
    He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
    He gets angry with other drivers.
    He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents.
    He is secretive.
    He lies.

    He is always accusing me of
    Being angry
    Criticising
    Complaining
    Always being wrong
    Always starting arguments
    Being a bad parent
    Being too emotional

    Emotions
    If I cry he ignores me, or mocks me, or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.
    There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
    If a child hurts themselves he freezes and then gets angry, he doesn’t comfort them.
    He won’t talk about feelings. It is weak to do this.
    He is angry.
    He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.

    Control
    Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
    I am not allowed to do certain things.
    He is not interested in anything I do.
    He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
    He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.

    Money
    He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
    He won’t discuss money – it always seems to become an argument.
    He won’t save money.

    Physical
    He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t clean.
    He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
    He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
    He says I make him do it.
    He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times. He threatens me with this, he threatens to tell the authorities.

    Sex
    There is none. In the early days this was used as a punishment. I didn’t realise. Now it is just my fault.
    We have never talked about sex, I am forbidden.
    He watches a lot of porn.
    He eyes up women when he is with me.

    Timeline
    There were red flags – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know to see them.
    After every commitment I made it got worse not better.
    My life has shrunk to 10% of what it was when I met him. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My confidence is less. My lines are more. My finances are less. My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy apart from a few at the start. I am literally a shadow of my former self.

  • #105419
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi iliketea,

    That was my abuser too, you have described it all perfectly.

    I remember reading the book by Lundy Bancroft many years ago, it was actually the first book I read on the subject and it really helped me to understand the situation I was in, one of those ‘light bulb’ moments in life.

    My abuser would punch holes in internal doors when he got angry and if I complained about the damage to the house he would tell me I should be grateful it wasn’t my head he punched.

    If he was angry with me he’d make me sleep in the spare room, then he’d come and wake me up in the early hours of the morning and demand I returned to our bed.

    They talk about this Covid-19 being a pandemic but DA is actually a pandemic! 1 in 4 women at some point in their lives experience DA.

    I really wish the Government would take it more seriously and invest more financial help and refuges. Even now, professional support is limited and it is the lovely ladies on this site, who are struggling with their own situations day in, day out who are now trying to be the support network for others.

    People are desperate for help and information but the delays in providing it are too long for some.

    Thank you for your post too.

  • #105427
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    WOW! iliketea 😃 You did it! And so Articulately, Knowledgeably. Well done!💞

  • #105429
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Well done Iliketea. That was incredibly brave to list it like that. (I just tried to do it too as mine has slightly different traits but had to delete it as I got myself in a right old mess!)

    • #105435
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Thanks @escapee, maybe try the list I did at the top, copy and paste it, look at it like questions and then fill in under the ones you feel come easy, or just write, things he did, said, made you feel, it all helps, however it looks, especially as they’re different. The idea is just to help others realise it is all abuse. All the different shades and types. xx

  • #105447
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    Wow! I’m in tears, so much from your lust is my situation, I’ve copied and pasted and tweaked it slightly to for my situation

    Behaviour
    People think he is laid back and easy going.
    He is different in front of people than he is at home.
    If someone arrives (quite rare we have no friends only the children’s friends call round) or he need to take a call he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
    He glares at me and breathes heavily through his nose when he’s angry.
    Stands in doorways hands on hips or arms crossed.
    He rarely asks people about themselves.
    He is always right.
    He talks over me.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard. Yes! His phrase is “that’s not what happened”
    When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone, does something repetitive. Doesn’t answer me or daydreams.
    He can sometimes be happy or sometimes in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
    He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
    He is clever.
    He doesn’t talk to me.
    He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before-holds grudges.i think I’m now the person he bares a grudge with and a big reason why I don’t feel I can be me.
    He gets angry with other drivers.
    He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents. Has forgotten birthday- dashes yo supermarket on anniversary/Mother’s Day.
    He is secretive.

    He is always accusing me of
    Being cold and lacking affection
    Being uninterested in him
    Complaining
    Always being wrong
    Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
    Being Lazy-should exercise more (to help me feel happier about myself of course)
    Being too emotional or over sensitive.
    Being like my mum

    Emotions
    If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.-or it’s my hormones, I’m just tired.
    There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death (Really? You’re still upset about that?)to having a bad day at work.
    If a child hurts themselves he freezes and then gets angry.
    He won’t talk about feelings. He sighs and huffs and puffs and finds something else to do
    He can’t tolerate the children’s emotions- gets frustrated and tells them to just stop It or go away and calm down.
    He is angry.
    He denies our feelings.
    He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.
    He tells me he’s miserable and has thought about driving off the toad to end it all.
    He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated by him because I’ve got cross with him before.
    If he feels he’s won A row he smirks

    Control
    Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way. If he wants to do it then we can’t not do it.
    Decides on the furniture fixtures and fittings. Disapproves of things I buy for the home so I don’t bother now.
    He is not interested in anything I do.

    He doesn’t like my friends (I only gave a few very old ones I rarely see. Others haven’t stuck around , he is rude about them.
    He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.

    Physical
    He doesn’t cook
    He cleans The bathrooms and dusts And let’s me know when he’s done it. I should be grateful
    He smashes things, he punches doors, he breaks things.
    He pushes and shoves one of our children.
    He says I/they make him do it.
    He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times.

    Sex
    There is none.
    I used to do it once a week to get him to leave me alone. Now it is just my fault.
    We rarely talk about sex, but he asks if we ever will again.
    He watches porn.

    Timeline
    There were red flags – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know to see them. Rages and control, knowing better, not listening to others opinions, loosing friends.
    After every commitment I made it got worse not better.
    My world is smaller.
    My friends are fewer.
    My confidence is less.
    My lines are more.
    My finances are less.
    I am literally a shadow of my former self.

    • #105522
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @kitkat44 – its depressing its it? The ones you added are the ones I missed! Its SO frightening how they can all be so similar. Its liberating too in a strange way, writing it down, others validating, for me its helped a bit more than a book, because you are all real people. Its horrible and sad and makes me feel really angry but its also comforting to know. Somehow, we WILL get through this, this forum is so supportive. We will get out.

  • #105451
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Ok……2nd attempt….

    Behaviour
    People think he is caring, friendly and sincere.
    He is different in front of people than he is at home.
    If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
    He will be extra nice to the children but be nasty to me.
    He is always right and only his opinion is valid.
    He is entitled.
    He needs his ego stoking through constant praise.
    He flirts with other women but denies he does this.
    If I say something that doesn’t fit his view he sneers at me.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
    He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
    He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he focuses on the TV.
    He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
    He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
    He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else.
    He constantly criticises me.
    He calls me names.
    He treats me like a servant.
    He tells me that I am lazy and never makes an effort.
    He sulks but then says it’s me that’s in a mood and I should look at my behaviour.
    He tells me there is something wrong with me.
    He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship.
    He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking.
    He says that I am not making any sense and then tells me what he thinks, which is what I have just said.
    He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
    He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
    He uses sarcasm.
    He gets angry with other drivers and suffers from road rage.
    He buys me gifts and says that’s the only way he can show me affection. Others see these gifts and think he’s lovely .
    He is secretive.
    He uses my love for our children against me.
    He thinks all women are mentally ill.
    He threatens to call social services to tell them what a bad mother I am.
    He sends abusive messages.

    He is always accusing me of
    Being a bad wife
    Being a bad mother
    Being selfish
    Being self absorbed
    Being interested in other men
    Not considering his needs
    Being frigid
    Being stupid
    Being noisy
    Being a drama queen

    Emotions
    If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.
    There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
    If a child hurts themselves, he gets angry at me.
    He won’t talk about feelings.
    He is angry.
    He is passive agressive
    He is incapable of showing love and affection.

    Control
    Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
    I am not allowed to do certain things.
    He expects me to go to bed very early to leave him alone.
    He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’.
    If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me.
    He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
    He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
    He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
    He hides my car keys to stop me going out.
    If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets very angry and says he will take away my phone as I don’t deserve one. He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
    He will ignore me for days if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.

    Money
    He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
    He refuses to lower his life style to fit our situation this makes our life unstable.
    He tells me how what I earn is so little compared to his that it doesn’t count.
    He tells me how it is his money that has bought everything.
    He refers to ‘his money’.
    He will tell me how spoiled I am.
    If I try to be careful with money he calls me tight.

    Physical
    He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
    He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
    He shouts into my face.
    He says I make him do it.

    Sex
    He will never instigate it but gets angry if we don’t have sex and I don’t initiate it.
    He wants me to walk around the house in ‘sl***y’ underwear – he will then carry on watching the TV. If I say I am cold he says he does’t care. I will be expected to stay dressed like this until I have instigated sex (but I’m in trouble if I try to get the experience over quickly).
    If something hurts he tells me my body will get used to it.
    He wants me to do things that make me uncomfortable and degraded. He says I should do things I don’t want to do because that’s what happens in a relationship.
    He will be dismissive and bad tempered until I give him sex.

    Timeline
    There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant.
    Things progressed over time…….I knew he was a bully but I didn’t realise this was abuse and the damage it causes.
    I have left before but gone back.
    My life has shrunk to 10% of what it was when I met him. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My confidence and my health have been destroyed. I am emotionally exhausted and have PTSD. My finances are less. My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy.
    I am literally a shadow of my former self.

    • #105524
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @escapee you did it! He sounds like a complete 100% horrible bully, I am so sorry. Yes this is abuse, there is sexual abuse there too, no one should be coerced into doing anything they don’t want to do. I’m not sure where you are in the process, can you get an IDVA, referral from your GP? Thanks for adding to this post, its going to be really valuable for others. x

    • #105567
       Escapee 
      Participant

      I’m one of the lucky ones ILT; I have been out now for many months. I reached my enough moment and walked.

      I really hope this helps other women, no one should have to live like this.

      Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have been unable to articulate the abuse,bit was almost a block (especially the sexual abuse as I feel dirty and tainted) – it has really helped me accept that it was so abusive and I need to let go.

      You’re an angel ❤️

  • #105467
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    Oh ladies, I’m so proud of you all who have written these so far – it’s made me cry, seeing so much of my life in your lives too, what a horrible existence but how strong are we to go through this?! SO strong! And we’re reaching out for help and understanding and support – something totally foreign to them with their “I know best” attitude.

    I’m going to try and do this myself during today and will post later x

  • #105563
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    This is my abuser: iliketea I love this post and after the last few days I need to get it off my chest as I am crumbling.So here goes:

    Behaviour
    some people think he is caring, friendly and sincere
    others view hime as being v angry and aggressive.
    He is different in front of people than he is at home paying me compliments but then twisting it and putting me down (as a joke of course-but apparently I have no sense of humour).
    If someone arrives/phones, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
    He picks on our grown up son to get at me.
    He is always right and only his opinion is valid, but it’s not an opinion its a fact!
    He is entitled to constant attention and adoration
    He needs his ego stoking through constant praise and compliments.
    He flirts with other women but says he building their confidence but smashes mine to pieces.
    If I say something that doesn’t fit his view he sneers at me.
    He’s a hypocrite-one rule for me different for him.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
    He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
    Interrogates me, changing subject so I’m confused.
    He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he focuses on the TV which I never get to choose what I can watch.
    He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
    He is angry. He shouts. He swears.He threatens
    He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else and better at job than anyone else, when he can be arsed to work.
    He constantly criticises me.
    He calls me names.
    He berates me.
    He belittles me.
    He treats me like a servant.
    He tells me that I am lazy and never makes an effort and don’t clean or do things to his standard.
    He sulks but then says it’s me that’s in a mood and I should look at my behaviour.
    He gives me silent treatment for days
    He tells me there is something wrong with me.i’m mentally ill.
    He tells me he rescued me -I would have been in the gutter.
    He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking but apparently knows exactly what I am thinking.
    He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
    He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
    He exaggerates wildly and stretches the truth.
    He gets angry with other drivers and suffers from road rage.
    I on the occasion buys me gifts he wants a medal for it and will throw it in my face.He doesn’t go out of his way to buy anything that he thinks of himself for occasions like birthdays/Christmas etc
    He is secretive.
    He uses my love for our children against me.
    He thinks all women are slags.
    He threatens to lose my job
    He threatens to punch people I work with.
    He sends abusive messages.
    He says I pay too much attention to my job, I love it more than him.

    He is always accusing me of:
    Being a bad wife
    Being a bad mother
    Being selfish
    Being self absorbed
    Cheating on him with people I work with, people who live in road who I’ve never spoken to; people at the gym where i used to go(haven’t been for a night out ever with friends in (detail removed by moderator))
    Monitors my time and whereabouts by insisting I text even if I go to a shop after work
    Being interested in other men
    Ringing my imaginary boyfriend
    Says my phone is vibrating or making a noise when it’s not
    Changing my underwear when I get home or before I come home.
    Stealing his things;moving his things; snooping in his things
    Watches me and listens in on me on security camera in the house.
    Not considering his needs
    Being frigid and boring
    Being controlling and manipulative and abusive
    Being stupid
    Being a drama queen
    Says I’m hormonal and mentally ill
    Sings songs changing the words to s**g me off.
    Walks around with headphones in.
    Kicks off if I have to work 20 minutes later or go to a different location for a meeting
    Says he wants DNA test for our son to prove he’s his

    Emotions
    If I cry he ignores me or tells me to shut up as it’s annoying.
    If there is any comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work, he may listen but will use it against me.
    He can’t talk about feelings can only shout and scream.
    He is very angry.
    He is passive aggressive
    Only shows affection when it suits or to try and persuade me to do something.
    Pretends he’s been crying and I’ve ignored him
    Doesn’t trust me

    Control
    Says I am controlling
    Likes his own way
    I am not allowed to do certain things.
    He expects me to go to bed very early to leave him alone but then throws it in my face.
    He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’.
    If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me.
    He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
    He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
    He doesn’t like my job and would do anything to sabotage it and threatens to make a complaint about me if i ever tried to leave him
    He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
    If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets very angry and says I’m up to something or if I answer too quickly I was on my phone chatting up other men. He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
    He will ignore me for days if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.
    Causes an argument then blames me for my reaction.

    Money
    He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
    His work ethic is rubbish and he only works if he wants to.
    He tells me I owe him from when the children were growing up and I only worked part time.
    He says I’m in love with money as my job is better paid than his.
    He tells me how it is his money that has bought everything and I owe him for supporting the fmily which he claims to have done all on his own.
    Says he had more money then he really has in his wallet, making out that someone(me) has robbed him
    He refers to ‘his money’ but I should share mine.
    He will tell me how spoiled I am.
    If I try to be careful with money he calls me tight.
    Says I spend money unnecessarily (but I admit I probably do -my money)

    Physical
    He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
    He storms around banging doors and windows
    He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
    He pokes me in the face
    He grabs me around the neck
    He grabs my clothing under the arms so it pinches me
    He kicks me-not very often.
    Treads on me to stop me getting away.
    He shouts into my face and towers over me.
    He spits in my face
    He rubs things in my face like gone off food if I’ve forgotten to throw it away
    He says I make him do it.

    Sex
    He gets angry if we don’t have sex enough
    He gets into bed after days of rowing like nothing has happened.
    He says I’m boring because I wont have 3 in a bed
    He likes me to dress up in ‘sl***y’ underwear – but will then say I wear it for other men
    On occasion if I do wear sexy underwear he will pull a face at me and ignore and reject me
    I am expected to climax a certain amount of times as some kind of trophy.
    If something hurts he tells me you have to have pain with passion and that I don’t want to satisfy his need..
    He wants me to do things that make me uncomfortable and degraded. He says I should do things I don’t want to do because that’s what happens in a relationship and it’s between these four walls.
    He will be dismissive and bad tempered until I give him sex.
    He will take photos of me -without my consent then threaten to publicise them.
    He says I don’t want sex with him because I’ve been too busy at it with other men.
    Watches porn
    Receives messages from (detail removed by moderator) but he’s not paying for the subscription just likes to look at the pictures!
    Accuse me of fantasising about other men and faking it with him.
    Is over familiar with other women, touching them intimately.

    Timeline
    There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant.
    Things progressed over time…….I knew he was a bully but I didn’t realise this was abuse and the damage it causes.
    I knew it was wrong even the night before we got married but felt too scared of backing out.
    I have left before but gone back.
    My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
    My world is smaller.
    My friends are fewer.
    My confidence and my health have been destroyed.
    I am emotionally exhausted and have PTSD.
    I have panic attacks
    My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy.
    I am literally a shadow of my former self.

    Wow, I’m not sure if I feel better or not for that as it makes me feel even more pathetic for putting up with it. It’s almost as if they’ve all been to the same school. It’s sickening that we have to live like this.I know technically we don’t have to but making that move is something I always back out.

     

    • #105568
       Escapee 
      Participant

      Oh Scapegoat – this made me cry. Why are the so cruel. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced the sexual abuse too. For me, the sexual element has left me feeling I can never have an intimate relationship ever again.

      My love to you ❤️

      I am free (ish) now and heading gently towards no contact. It really is the only way to recover as anytime I have contact with him I set my recovery back.

      When you’re ready you too will be able to walk. Baby steps. Xx

    • #105601
       Skylife 
      Participant

      @scapegoat… wow this rings so true with me it’s unbelievable! I just can’t believe I’ve only just realised this is what I’m going through! Xx

  • #105575
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    This post has made me cry too, and also panic. I am away from my abuser currently and he is being kind and loving on the phone but I am really panicking about resuming a life together. I haven’t missed him at all. I have been able to blank him. These lists just remind me. I don’t want to go back to the utter sense of worthlessness.
    KitKat’s is so close to mine, but there are elements of others’ too. I think if I started listing, it would just be repetition as everyone has done such a good job.

    The thing that stops me from standing up
    for myself or retaliating is that he just gets nastier and really personal and I hate that so much. So I walk away. And I hate myself for allowing myself to be walked over.

    Well done everyone. You are stronger than me. I couldn’t do it ❤️

  • #105611
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    Goodness me, it’s incredible how we are suffering so much of the same. It’s so moving to hear all your voices. I want to send you all massive virtual hugs.
    Lottie blue-don’t put yourself down chick, you too are strong. You’re not being walked over but Doing what you need to Do to survive that moment.
    Xx

    • #105643
       Escapee 
      Participant

      Virtual hug right back at ya KitKat ❤️

  • #105625
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    Lottieblue I admire you for walking away so don’t put yourself down. It is far better than doing what I do and have a go back as it’s exactly what he wants and makes me feel like I’m just as much to blame too. I end up saying some nasty things back so I’m then as bad as he is. Walking away is much better

  • #105634
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    This has been super-difficult and I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things but, like the others, I hope it helps someone to perhaps see/understand what is going on is wrong.

    Behaviour/emotions:
    People see him as laidback and easy-going, a great father and “community” man, willing to help anybody.
    He is a totally different person in public, in front of his children and when he and I are on our own.
    He has a way of making people feel sorry for him and plays the victim.
    If someone comes round unexpectedly, we bump into someone in public or he answers a phone call he can switch his behaviour towards me in a flash.
    He is uncomfortable, unless very drunk, having any kind of conversation but when he does, he mainly only talks about himself and doesn’t ask questions – if a person asks him a question about himself, he twists the conversation and ends up not answering.
    He rarely asks people about themselves.
    He is always right, will argue the Earth is flat if needed.
    He’s happy causing a situation that creates havoc for others he doesn’t like or respect.
    He never allows me to finish anything I’m saying, especially if it’s about how I feel – he talks over me. He’s starting doing that with his children too.
    If he doesn’t like what I’m saying, he’ll keep asking me to repeat it again and again to frustrate me and make me shut up.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
    He backs away from me when I’m talking.
    He wakes up in a bad mood every day, he basically doesn’t speak in the morning but may start to talk if he starts drinking early.
    He can give me the silent treatment for days on end.
    He swears.
    He is manipulative.
    He is passive aggressive.
    He is a compulsive liar, not just with me, with everyone.
    He never seems to relax, he’s always on edge.
    He says he never does anything wrong and other people stress him out.
    He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
    He gets angry with other drivers.
    He drinks and drives.
    He never answers my phone calls and very rarely responds to texts.
    He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents, he pays for nothing except food/treats for his kids. Never gives me money for household bills.
    He is secretive about everything, I never feel I have the full story or am allowed to know the full story.
    If I cry he ignores it, shows no empathy or sympathy.
    There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work – he often takes these opportunities to pile more misery/stress on me.
    He won’t talk about feelings.
    He is angry.
    He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.
    He will find the one negative in something I’m proud of.
    Unfortunately, on a handful of occasions, he has made me react abusively back to him.

    He is always accusing me of:
    Being miserable.
    Being angry.
    Being anxious for no reason.
    Attacking him with my words.
    Criticising.
    Complaining.
    Making things up that he’s said.
    Starting arguments.
    Being too emotional.
    Being useless.
    Having no motivation.
    Being lazy.
    Watching too much television.
    Being useless with money.
    Being wasteful of water, electricity, food…
    Not leaving the house enough but when I do I then haven’t done something he wanted doing in the house.
    Touching his things, moving his things around.

    Control:
    Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
    There is a constant underlying threat that if I don’t follow his rules or do what he says he will leave me.
    I get criticised and told the “correct way” to do something but then when I do it that way it’s wrong, basically I can’t win.
    He wraps criticisms in a “it’s for your own good” sentiment.
    He bribes me in the form of “if you do this… I’ll do that” – the reward is often high, but if I fail through no fault of my own, he takes it as a personal attack on him.
    Constant sarcastic “if I decide to do this for you”-type comments.
    He will follow a compliment towards me with an immediate criticism or belittling statement.
    He has isolated me from his children completely so I am not involved with them at all, even when we are under the same roof (can’t describe more as will be identifying).
    He is not particularly interested in anything I do or have an interest in.
    He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them and belittles them and says they talk rubbish.
    He thinks my family are weird and I shouldn’t speak to them as when I do it is stressful.

    Money:
    He’s reckless with money, he appears to spend all he has on alcohol. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
    He won’t discuss money – it always seems to become an argument.
    He lies about what he has spent money on.
    He drives a car which is illegal to be on the road.
    He won’t save money.

    Physical:
    He very rarely cooks or cleans, unless it’s for his kids’ benefit.
    He “accidentally” breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
    He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times. He threatens me with this.

    Sex:
    When we have it, it is entirely on his terms.
    If I initiate, he tends to say no.
    He tries it on with me and then blames me the following day if it disturbed his sleep.
    After being horrible, he often tries it on and I give in as in that moment it feels like he cares.
    Probably too graphic/identifying to explain but makes me feel worthless by not doing something which he did at the beginning.
    He watches a lot of porn.
    He constantly makes comments about/chats up other women in front of me and then blames me for not being as confident or sexy as they are.
    Flirts with other women on text messages.
    He blames me for my body changing since we met.

    Timeline:
    There were red flags immediately – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know how to see them or what I should have been looking for. Other people did but I dismissed them.
    After every commitment I made it got worse not better, for example, after saying I love you or after moving in together.
    He shifts our timeline about in his head all the time to suit his current need.
    My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
    I have complex PTSD and have developed a trauma bond.
    My world is smaller.
    My friends are fewer.
    My confidence is basically at zero.
    My finances are less.
    My health has gone downhill, both mental and physical.
    I have regular panic attacks which are dismissed as acting-up.
    I have some happy memories of our time together but worryingly can’t remember most of the time we have lived together, when things have got so much worse – all good memories are shrouded in him being drunk.
    I am literally a shadow of my former self.

  • #105636
     Balloons 
    Participant

    okay. I’ve done one too, it is hard seeing everything written down like this, and seeing just how many other people have such similar experiences. (Detail removed by moderator) years ago I would never have dreamed any of this was abusive, I thought abuse was only if you got beaten up. Thank you to everyone on here, this has really been a lifeline for me. (also apologies, I think my own list is stupidly long, I’m not very good at editing things down…)

    Behaviour

    He talks for hours about how betrayed and hurt he feels and everything I’m doing wrong
    I am expected to sit in silence, he will sometimes pause for minutes between sentences and if I try and speak up he will snap at me “I’m not finished talking, don’t interrupt me”
    He accuses me of being withholding because I stay silent
    He lists so many different ways in which I am abusive, combined with other seemingly irrelevant stories about his past and work that I have no clue what to say anymore
    When I finally get a chance to speak he interrupts incessantly and if I call him out on it he tells me that I’m being unfair and he needs a chance to ‘healthily interject” if he feels like I’m lying
    He simultaneously thanks me for calling him out on interrupting me because he wants to be a better person
    He latches on to irrelevant pieces of information I might say and turns the topic of conversation to a weird specific, derailing the conversation and making it impossible for me to ever get my point across
    He tells me frequently how depressed he is as a reason for never listening to what I have to say
    If I talk about his depression he says he can’t carry the weight of being the happy one all the time, the “entertainer”, when he is almost never happy.
    If I say I just want him to feel okay he either uses this to justify why he is so selfish as he needs to “focus on himself” or to tell me how I only want him to be okay because I’m selfish and I can’t put up with it anymore and that I don’t actually care about him at all
    He tells me what I think and feel and will never listen to what I have to say
    He says he knows me better than I know myself
    He doesn’t treat anyone else the way he treats me
    Other people think he is kind and sensitive and can’t believe how badly I mistreat him
    He spreads lies about me and then tells me how shocked everyone is at how badly I treat him and how everyone agrees with his behaviour
    He is the master of silent treatment and will never give an explanation as to what I’ve done wrong this time
    He never helps out with the children or around the house, and the rare occasions he does he uses it to criticise how poorly I’ve been doing it on my own
    He tells me if I truly loved and respected him I would do exactly what he says, and never slip up or forget
    He is like Sauron’s Eye (lord of the rings) and I am constantly on tenterhooks trying to make sure his gaze isn’t directed towards me
    He drives recklessly with me and the children in the car if he is not getting his way
    He smashes objects and toys
    He punches doors and cupboards
    He intentionally hurts himself in front of me and the children
    He always does last minute shopping for birthdays and Christmas etc and spends lots of money on things I don’t really want then expects me to be overjoyed. If my reaction isn’t right he will go into a rage or a sulk or both
    He hates everybody, but believes he is the most selfless person you will ever meet
    He only ever has negative things to say about my family and friends
    Family and friends aren’t allowed in the house if he is there, or if he might be there later
    He screams and yells
    He tells me that I need to leave the room if I feel like I will raise my voice, then blocks the exit if I try to leave telling me I am controlling, or follows me out
    He calls me names
    He only ever apologises for how I feel about something, not for his own actions
    He uses the children to try and guilt me into doing things
    He never does anything bad enough as a standalone incident for me to report or tell anyone, without it making me look like I’m mad or overreacting
    He lies, but will swear that he hates lying and would never ever lie to anyone

    He is always accusing me of
    Being abusive and controlling
    Having issues from childhood I need to resolve
    Being emotionally stunted
    Having no empathy
    Being unable to be accountable
    Blaming him for everything
    Turning the children against him
    Reading into things that aren’t there because I am insecure
    How he is worried how the children will grow up in my care
    How it is my fault if the children have accidents because I wasn’t being a good enough mum
    Disrespecting him
    Not putting him first (ahead of the children)
    How I changed since having children and he can’t stand who I’ve become
    How I’m boring and never do anything fun
    How I never make any effort to please him
    Being stupid

    Emotions

    He will sometimes comfort me if I cry, but then use this forever as an example of how self-sacrificing he is and tell me how hard it was for him to listen to me
    If I ever raise issues about his behaviour he will hyperventilate and tell me he is going to kill himself
    He has threatened suicide multiple times and made dramatic attempts in front of me
    He tells me I should be over certain things, including deaths, and how insensitive I am if he’s had a long day at work
    It is never okay for me to not be okay

    Control

    Chores must be completed to an exacting standard
    He tells me how he wants me to be free to do whatever I want, but makes it clear if he disagrees with my choices and will then punish me with silent treatment or rages if I go against him
    If I have a different opinion to him I am not allowed to voice it, because we should “always be on the same team” and if I truly understood how depressed he was I would just always agree with him
    Without fail, if there is an event I am looking forward to he will instigate an argument beforehand making the whole thing difficult and miserable
    He never compromises, either it is entirely his way, or entirely mine, and then if it is my way he uses it to tell me how controlling I am even though all I wanted was to find a compromise

    Money

    He is terrible with money and has no idea about bills
    He spends long periods of time out of work
    All financial responsibility is on me, and he is now accusing me of being financially abusive

    Physical

    He smashes things
    Hurts himself
    Sometimes handles the children too forcibly for my liking
    He storms off and slams doors
    He towers over me threateningly
    He chases me if I try to get away and then tells me I’m being ridiculous, he would never hurt me

    Sex

    If I don’t give him sex when he wants it he will sink into a depression
    I don’t feel comfortable saying no
    He has told me that sex is something he needs for himself, it’s not for me or for us
    I am too coy and need to be sexier
    I don’t really care about him because I don’t want to have a threesome
    I don’t really care about him because I find it hard to talk dirty
    If I really loved him I would make these sacrifices for him, he would do it for me
    He watches a lot of porn
    He tells me how gross he finds my body since having children and that I should get surgery

    Timeline

    First few months were incredible, I couldn’t believe my luck at finding such a wonderful person that I seemed to click with on so many levels. I believed he was my soulmate.
    In the first year he began small behaviours that I found questionable
    Very gradually things got worse and worse, without me ever really noticing
    I always held on to the hope that man I fell in love with would come back to me, and that it was all external factors making him behave that way
    I believed if he could get help for his depression we would become the super couple I believed we were
    There were always positive times between it all which kept me trying
    After children things rapidly went downhill
    The good times slowed and then stopped altogether
    I sought marriage counselling on my own because he refused to come, claiming that he already knew how to fix all our problems but refusing to tell me how
    I was told the relationship was abusive
    It took me (detail removed by moderator) from that point to fully recognise his behaviour and to get out
    I feel so much better for him not being here, but also heartbroken to have lost the man I thought he was.

     

  • #105645
     Escapee 
    Participant

    What is wrong with these men!!

    Well done THTK and Balloons…..it’s painful but cathartic to get it out isn’t it? I recognised other things mine did in your lists (I’ve been swearing away calling him all the names under the sun).

    Love and hugs 💞

  • #105654
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    Yes Escapee, very cathartic – it’s kind of frightened me if I’m honest, seeing it all written down.

    A couple of things I wanted to add that I’ve just thought of:

    He has mocked, belittled and criticised things that gave me comfort – basically telling me I have to stop doing them or “taken them away” from me for want of a better phrase. He made me feel ashamed or embarrassed to do them – if I did, I panicked that he may come into the house and find me doing them so I lived in fear. None of these things I will do now for that reason.

    He slags off our (my) pets, says they’re pointless, ignores them, doesn’t feed them, clean up after them or play with them. I worry about leaving him in the house alone with them.

    x x

  • #105656
     Balloons 
    Participant

    Its funny how things just keep popping into your head. One thing I wanted to add too was:

    He is the king of double standards and plausible deniability – will wriggle his way out of any hole, and if all else fails he will play the suicide card. Nothing is ever his fault, and nobody has it as bad as him. Very large victim mentality.

  • #105657
     Balloons 
    Participant

    Its very easy to feel sorry for him

  • #105671
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Sorry, I’m not sure I thought this through. I hope you are all ok? It is horrible when you see it written down, I missed out loads which weirdly you have all filled in the gaps of, mostly. Its depressing but its empowering too. This is not us, it just can’t be, it just can’t be coincidence that we are all being treated in the same way, we are all individuals, each and every one of us. This Is Abuse. 100%. Through and Through.
    Sending strength, it won’t be forever, it can’t be. x

    • #106922
       Wheresmysparklegone 
      Participant

      This is my first post on here. I can take pieces from all these posts. He doesn’t do all of them but that doesn’t make him not an abuser. I get told who I can and cant talk to. I’m banned from going to our local pub. I think he hates me having friends. He never has a good word to say for any of them. Even my family. I’m going to try and read the book you mention. Thanks for this

    • #106923
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Hi and welcome to the forum. Its becoming a really long post this, but its interesting to notice some of the similarities, there are differences too, and that is because we’re all individuals, so it really is a bit of this and a bit of that. The main theme though is Power and Control, taking it and using it. Its what it is all about. The Lundy book is very good at explaining it. Post more when you feel ready, its a very supportive forum, I’ve never seen anything judgemental here, its moderated really well by “Lisa” (I think there are probably lots of Lisas) they work very hard at keeping the posts confidential so words that could give away your identity are often removed, don’t be surprised, you wont have done anything wrong, it takes a while to get used to writing a post without identifying yourself.
      Sending strength and hope you are ok. x

  • #105691
     Escapee 
    Participant

    ILT…..this thread is really helpful.
    Not only is it highlighting very real experience of abuse, it’s highlighting how many ways they abuse and how there is a strong pattern to it. Whilst they differ slightly there are traits that are all to familiar.

    It has also helped those of us that have been unable to talk about the abuse; in helping others know what an abuser is like we have also helped ourselves ❤️

  • #105703
     Balloons 
    Participant

    I also want to say thank you to iliketea. Writing this out like this has helped me, and seeing other people’s too. The more I read the better and the less alone I feel, seeing those same threads run through everyones stories. I wanted specifically to share mine because mine was so in my head and not often physical, but seeing it all written out like this makes it all clearer. I’ve been in doubt for such a long time and this has really helped, thank you so much iliketea!! ❤xx

  • #105713
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi Balloons,

    That’s great that this has helped you. I think that every thread on here contains bits of a jigsaw and bits of a map. From that information we can put our own jigsaw together to see the big picture of our life, and we can also make a map to get see how we are going to find our way out.

    I hope your map is nearly finished?! 🙂

  • #105721
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    I love love this thread!!! Well done ladies!! Look at you guys! I’m seeing some big girl panties on here with cowboy boots!

    • #105734
       Escapee 
      Participant

      Oh what a visual that conjures up! 😂💕

  • #105728
     Thistle06 
    Participant

    I have read through all of these and theyve made me realise I am not alone, my abuser never hit me but he did everything else and I recognise bits of him in all of these posts. I am getting help with womens aid at the moment.its taken me (detail removed by moderator) but I can see it now. (detail removed by moderator) for me to realise he always shuts the windows before “talking “to me and that’s wierd , and the money one also took me ages, then it hit, he refuses to spend money on the house leaving it to me

    I will keep reading these …

  • #105767
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    Another thing I’ve just thought!

    He uses his alcoholism as an excuse for many different things and at the same time often seems “proud” of being an alcoholic. For example, if he says something nice, he only said it because he was drunk; if he was horrible, it was because he was drunk. This leads to me constantly questioning (in my head) what is real. He has never paid any attention to any boundaries put in place (some legal) due to his alcoholism and therefore has no incentive to give up as he just carries on regardless. People aware of this have given up trying to enforce them due to his self-righteous, twisted and abusive way of talking back to them, me included.

    • #105768
       Wants To Help 
      Participant

      That’s ‘Realisation’ you’re in. You understand that pyramid 🙂

    • #107181
       Dignity 
      Participant

      This is my first ever post. Here goes …..
      Behaviour –
      He comes across as Mr Nice Guy to others and I’m sick of being told how lovely he is by other people. But he’s very good at showing his generosity and kinder traits in public.He has a problem with drink which has been a major bone of contention for years as he has a low tolerance for alcohol but can’t say no when he’s socialising. He drinks and drives frequently and has me in an anxiety state whenever he is out on his own socially as I’m pretty much expecting him not to make it home at some point. I can’t sleep in the same bed as him when he’s drunk as he seems unable to know if/when he’s going to be sick. I have escaped being vomited over in bed a few times and had to clear up after him god knows how many times. If I try to talk about the drinking being an issue he gets mad.
      He does very little about the house or garden which are deteriorating around us at an embarrassing rate. It’s like he has no interest whatsoever in our home. I need help with cleaning etc because of health issues but either don’t get it or am promised it but then kept waiting for days for it to happen. If I remind him that he’s said he will do something, or ask if he’s done it then I’m nagging and made to feel c**p.
      He talks to me as little as possible. Spends all day on his phone with headphones in or staring at the tv. There is nothing more lonely than spending 24 hrs a day within 4 ft of somebody but being almost totally ignored.
      He’s mocked me for being disabled by my health issues and makes me feel inadequate. He’s shown very little care or
      concern, at times, when I have been quite unwell but will give other people the impression he was “very worried” about me. He has called me stupid. He blows up for no reason and speaks to me in a way that has even shocked his own children. He can put me down in front of others.
      He’s a pathological liar and is secretive. He’s used escort agencies, dodgy apps to do with sex/porn and has snuck off on a mini-break which he tried to pass of as a work trip. Since I found out about that my suspicions have been raised over several work nights out he’s been on that have involved staying overnight.

      He is always accusing me of –
      Not listening or forgetting he’s told me something. Rows can erupt over things I’ve absolutely no knowledge of but he swears blind he has told me.
      He loves to jump down my throat and argue that I’m wrong about stuff. Quite a lot of the time he doesn’t listen to what I’ve said properly and his argument will be making the exact same point I did. It’s like he
      Emotions- Zero affection offered. Might fleetingly hug if I instigate it but hasn’t been spontaneously affectionate towards me in years. I am numb and almost can’t cry.

      Control – he doesn’t, to my knowledge, spy on me or restrict me from going out or any of those things but I’ve altered my behaviour because I just want a quiet life. I’ve learnt to bite my tongue quite a bit over things that are said and done because the atmosphere gets so horrible if I do try to have a say. The silent treatment can be soul destroying. I have left the house and stayed elsewhere for a couple of days before now because not being acknowledged just got too much.
      On occasion When we’ve been away for a break I’ve been instructed not to wear anything whilst in the bedroom. I’ve also been expected to strip out of my normal clothes in the back of the car and change into “sexy” underwear whilst on the road.
      There’s a technique he has of saying he’ll sort something out then stalling for so long over doing it, because he knows I’ll get frustrated and do it myself.

      Money – I’ve not had restrictions or limits put on my spending ever but he can be reckless with spending. At times when we’ve had very little he’s continued to socialise as normal with money we just don’t have.

      Physical. No hitting of any sort but can stand over me or get in my personal space when he’s angry.

      Sex – We have always had incompatible sex drives. Throughout the entire relationship I’ve often given in when I haven’t felt like it, just to keep the peace and avoid having him in a strop for days. Then, several years ago he told me one morning he had done something to me sexually while I was asleep. He didn’t appear to equate that with abuse, seemed genuinely stunned at my suggestion that it was exactly that, and at the time seemed quite remorseful.But since then I suspect it has happened many, many more times but I don’t know how I can prove anything. I’m still working on how to do that. On the rare occasion he tries to instigate anything (when I’m awake) there’s no kissing or affection involved, he’ll just start trying to grope me. I don’t want to have sex with him at all but every now and then I go ahead with it because I feel I might be safe in my sleep for a while if I do. I still share a bed with him which may seem ridiculous but there are many nights I don’t sleep at all because I can no longer be sure I’m safe.

      Timeline. Looking back there have always been some issues. In the early days he was very loving, affectionate and caring towards me and for many years was very kind and loving to my parents for which I will always be grateful. There was, though, incompatibility, sexually, between us from the start of the relationship. I always felt this need to comply as t quickly became apparent that if I turned down his advances life could be pretty unpleasant for a few days after. Once we had children he started to work longer and longer hours leaving me with little support at home but at the same time he was a hands on dad when he was at home so to the outside world it looked like we were fine. I could see his selfishness coming through. His life and interests became a priority. I once had to stay in hospital overnight when ,medically, I could have gone home just because he wouldn’t miss a meeting that evening and I couldn’t be discharged unless someone could look after me for 24 hours.
      The drinking issue surfaced quite early on and just kept progressing.
      I don’t remember when the lack of interest in our home started but it’s been a while now. I used to excuse some of his behaviour because of things that have happened in the past and also there have been a few significant bereavements along the way.
      I also accepted a lot of things as normal but now know that so much of the behaviour I have been subjected to is unacceptable and unreasonable.
      Right now I’m trapped because we are in a dire financial situation so even though I’d love to be able to go off and live on my own I just can’t afford to.
      I’ve read Lundy Bancroft’s book and found it very enlightening.

  • #105770
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    I just can’t even begin to say well enough how happy this thread makes me because it’s working! Jogging loose stuff in people’s brains and I know that there are many many reading that say nothing. I know that. They are there and you’d be surprised at their numbers. I feel them…

    We gotta get ahold of ourselves here because it’s time for Womanhood to Wake Up, it is! Far too long now in a patriarchal society that does nothing but enslave us and abuse us. I love a good man, don’t get me wrong here. If you’re a good man then I am smack in your lap and on your side about anything. Mess with that guy and I will Mow YOU! And there are good men out there. I hear of some police that are actually sooo kind and compassionate to women when responding and I’m like – can I just zap him over here and give him a hug?? They have thankless jobs alot of times. They do. So, we do have to acknowledge that there are extremely beautiful men out there but we have to raise our standards here. No more accepting 2nd best about anything really and especially not men who are close into us. Uh NO. You start the charm act and I’m backing up my chair like into the next country. Follow me and I will turn around and hunt you. Two can do that. I’m all down for Offense!

    Party on with your bad selves here Girlfriends!! I’m feeling it! I know, I know…….little white coats around the corner for me…..been chasing me for years………

  • #105825
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping 💐

  • #105837
     Starmoon 
    Participant

    Hi, I’ve been on here on and off for a number of years, whilst still in a relationship and also afterwards. I had spent a long time away from him and was doing well but during lock down I’ve fallen for him again and subsequently been discarded again. It has bought back all the horrible feelings I had previously and this thread has really helped. I’m not sure if I’ve done this properly but here’s mine.

    Behaviour/emotions:
    People see him as charming, friendly, loving, hard working, funny and easy-going, a great dad and “community” man, willing to help anyone. He’s also the life of the party.
    He can be loving and giving one minute but not the next.
    Regularly uses drink and drugs, would be open and promise the world when under the influence but the next day take it all back. He would twist things that have been said, genie that he’s said things or that he’s made plans, or would say that I misunderstood.
    He made jokes about almost everything, especially serious subjects unless he’s under the influence.
    He would make huge gestures whilst drunk or hight and then eventually back track saying he didn’t mean them which often left me feeling worthless or confused.
    He Dismissed everything I wanted to talk about as negativity or mocked me for over thinking everything.
    He is a liar.
    He never seems to relax, always has to be on the go or busy.
    He drinks and drives.
    He would get angry but say only I ever make him that way.
    He would cancel plans we’d made at last minute and say I had spoil it or pushed him to it.
    He would walk out and end things if I said something he didn’t like.
    He would compare me to other people ‘why can’t you be normal like so and so’.

    He is (was) always accusing me of:
    Worrying over unnecessary things.
    Being miserable.
    Being angry.
    Being anxious for no reason.
    Being negative.
    Complaining.
    Making things up that he’s said.
    Starting arguments.
    Being too emotional.
    Having no motivation.
    Not being pro active enough.
    Spending too much time with friends or out with the children instead of cleaning etc.
    He would always say that he did everything around the house- nothing I did ever felt enough.

    There was a constant underlying threat that if I didn’t follow his rules or do what he says he would leave me.
    He would make out that I was able to speak my mind but if I disagreed he actually would leave and say I wasn’t capable of having a normal conversation.
    He would make ‘suggestions’ to help me which always felt more like criticism.
    He didn’t like my friends and Would mock them.

    Money:
    He spent all his/our money (when he we together) with no concern for making sure we had money for the children.
    He would get angry when I disagreed with spending money.

    Physical:
    thrown things (mugs, glasses, ironing board etc) usually in my direction but intended to miss.
    Slammed doors (but so did I)
    Smashed picture frames up
    Smashed my phone up
    Broken the cupboard door
    Spat at me
    Pushed me many time (also whilst pregnant)
    Help me by the throat (many times)
    Thrown my off my face
    Hit me in the arm
    Dragged me off the bed
    Stares at me with a threatening expression.
    I have occasionally retaliated.

    Sex:
    Personally don’t think there was ever any sexual abuse as we both had a high sex drive. Occasionally there was times that he would withhold affection and would go weeks without not being intimate which seemed out of the norm for us, but I wouldn’t say that was unreasonable. There was times that I had sex with him when I didn’t really want to but he didn’t know I didn’t want to, and I did it because I wanted him to be happy and not leave- that’s pathetic on my part.

    Timeline:
    I think there was red flags early on but I always believed it was my fault and me who needed to change.
    My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
    I have complex PTSD and have developed a trauma bond.
    My world is smaller.
    My friends are fewer.
    My confidence is basically at zero.
    My finances are less.
    My health has gone downhill, both mental and physical.
    I have regular panic attacks.
    I have some happy memories of our time together and still find it hard to believe he’s an abuser.

    • #105845
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @Starmoon, Im so sorry to hear whats happened during Lockdown, that must be really really hard. It’s a bit of a shock seeing how similar they all are isn’t it? Are you safe? Could you see your GP for the panic attacks and PTSD or are you already getting counselling. Sending you strength. Perhaps look at the online Freedom programme, that might help identify the hows and whys of it. x

    • #105872
       Starmoon 
      Participant

      Thank you. I completed the freedom program during the time we were apart. I found it interesting but didn’t find any comfort in regards to seeing him as abusive. The program was so black and white and my ex never seemed to fit the bill. I’ve just recently contacted private counselling as I’ve exhausted all my nhs options. Mostly I am ok but getting back involved with him has very much set me back x

  • #105877
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Starmoon………I’m confused……..what you just wrote here is sooo spot on Abusive. You said it yourself, wrote it out. How can you not see what he does as abusive? He fits the bill and then some. Just want to know what’s hanging you up here? Something definitely is.

  • #105878
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Starmoon…..have you ever studied up on what (detail removed by moderator) behavior is? Everything you describe is – what they do. And we are left to hang onto those “wonderful moments of charm” when they do their thing and confuse us again. Of course they have to or we won’t stay in their trap, right? Then they expect us to keep chasing that rabbit, that illusion of who we want them to be, who they pretended to be, who we need them to be and it’s run harder, run faster, you go after that rabbit!! And off we go. So just want to see what actually keeps you doing this?

     

    • #105887
       Starmoon 
      Participant

      Thank you for your response, I Question it be sue I know I wasn’t always easy to be with. I believed I did drag him down as a lot of what he used to say was true, I was negative and didn’t have a lot of motivation at times… I’m much better over those sorts of things now but I can see how my previous mindset would’ve been infuriating to him. I wasn’t perfect. I did do a lot of reading in the early days and it helped at the time. I think I’ll go back and have a look xx

  • #105945
     survivorabuse 
    Participant

    Hi all

    So many of us have put up with awful stuff over the years

    With my abuser it was money and the fact that he was always disrespecting me. I have always hated swearing and he was always swearing at me. He seemed to love to say no more bull***t if I said I was too tired

    • #106010
       iliketea 
      Participant

      I get that, its like those children who pull wings of flies…they seem to enjoy doing what we say we don’t like. xx

  • #105954
     Walkingonsunshine 
    Participant

    Behaviour
    Comes across quiet, shy, caring when I had my rose tinted glasses on, now I see a different side to him, a side where he’s always right, he thinks better than everyone else, He will belittle anyone else He sees as a threat (mainly other men)

    He has an excuse for everything. It was always ‘I lost my dad when I was..’ or ‘My Ex cheated on me’ this may seem heartless but I spent so many years feeling sorry for him and allowing his excuses to validate his moods – now I can see his true colours and as the excuses are no longer working the excuses have changed ‘I’m drepressed’ I have anxiety, I have OCD, or his favourite ‘I don’t remember that’ and he only ever uses these excuses when he has to try justify his behaviour. If he really had OCD/anxiety/depression they would all be constant issues, not just when he needs to excuse his behaviour.

    Nothing I did was right
    – the amount of cleaning was never enough
    – The nights I washed the bedding were always the ‘wrong night’
    – I’d buy something in for his tea but it wouldn’t be what he’d fancy
    – I should have cooked his tea even though I was going to work that evening
    – My driving was always bad, or i’d always pick the wrong route or wrong parking space
    – Ironing wasn’t how he liked it
    – Anything I’d buy for the house would be wrong and I’d be consistently reminded of what a bad choice it was
    – Gifts I bought were always unused/un worn/thrown away
    He’d ask my opinion and the ignore it/do the opposite

    As a dad, he will criticise anything they do rather than encouraging them. He zaps the fun out of everything.
    He dislikes all my friends, my hobbies
    Sometimes he’d compliment me, other times he’d criticise my clothing/the size of my thighs.
    Make lunch for himself and no one else

    He is always accusing me of everything, everything is my fault!
    If our child falls and hurts them self it was my fault.
    He scraped his car- it was my fault (I wasn’t even there)
    Bexit was my fault!

    Accusing me of cheating.
    He made me delete friends husbands off social media.
    Feel like I always have to rush back from work/shopping so he doesn’t think I’m with someone else.
    I don’t go out (1-2 x a year) apparently I started cooking a certain meal because I was feeling guilty about having an imaginary affair. If I declined sex it’s because I was getting it elsewhere but if I instigated sex it was because I was feeling guilty about having sex with someone else
    Accused of sending ‘love messsges’ to other people

    Emotions
    He was Angry a lot more so at the end. He would come home from work and just start shouting at us as soon as he walked through the door.

    I remember him having a go at me for being upset when my dog died ‘it’s only a dog’

    Control
    He would randomly bring in new rules ‘I’m sleeping on your side of the bed tonight’ ‘you’re not allowed your phone at the side of your bed’ I’d try contest but got nowhere.
    Always trying to get me to change my job (which I love)
    We’d always have to leave parties/places when he said so.
    Refuse to take pictures of me if I asked
    Criticise posts on social media
    He’d switch off the internet on a night so I couldn’t use it
    Turn heating off through his phone if he was at work an I was at home
    He’d hog the settee and not move his legs for me to sit down
    He’d blank me, I’d have to ask the question several time’s before he’d answer.

    Money
    This started off ok but as the years went on I was suddenly asked to find money for car repairs, stuff for the house out of my own pocket instead of the joint account. Started trying to get the children to drop activities so we could have more money but wasn’t willing to sacrifice any of his outgoings. Seemed to spend his money on trivial little things we didn’t need

    Physical
    He was only ever physical once (right at the end) but there were occasions he’d throw dinner at the wall/floor/bin. He’d throw some of my belongings (never his)
    He’d hit steering wheel/dashboard whilst driving if he was upset about something
    Punch/kick the bed on occasions if I declined sex

    Sex
    We had to have a regular sex. if I didn’t feel up to it he’d let me know how annoyed he was but shouting at me, accusing me of getting it elsewhere or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I’d pretend to be asleep to get out of it but that didn’t stop him.

    Timeline
    When I look back, the red flags were there from the start, the disliking of my friends, the criticism of housework/ironing etc, the jealousy, they just gradually got worse as the years went on. I was too young and so in love to realise it wasn’t right. Don’t get me wrong, there were good times too, but at the end the bad outweighed the good.

    I think the moment I’d realised it wasn’t right I’d watched things on TV and thought ‘that’s me’ I can relate to that’ I began researching and reading books and realised it was abuse. Still struggling to believe it’s real and it’s happened to me.

    • #106009
       iliketea 
      Participant

      @walkingonsunshine, so many similarities, the ever changing rules, its mad isn’t it? You’re out from the sounds of it, I hope you’re safe and healing from his abuse. Although with children together I guess you’re never really free, until they’re adults themselves. Sending a virtual hug as Im realising rehashing it, looking back, thinking about them in detail can be cathartic but it can also bring it all back. Thank you for posting, it will definitely help a woman somewhere. xx

    • #106026
       Walkingonsunshine 
      Participant

      @iliketea I’m halfway there….not living together but not fully out. The next steps seem so final and hard to tackle, I’ve had so many moments of doubt these last few weeks, especially as he’s being super nice at the moment. It would be so much easier to stay but this post has reminded me why I left In the first place and why I shouldn’t go back, so thank you for keeping me on the right path, and showing other women how similar, yet different each relationship can be x

  • #106007
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    Walkingonsunshine you’re list rings true with my oh too.Especially the accusing, sex and control section. I just don’t understand why? Yes we say they get a kick out of it but I don’t know about the rest of you but mines not particularly happy, doesn’t seem to make him feel any better. It’s like it’s a habit, something he can’t help ( I know d**n well I can) I just don’t see how they get off on it! If I have a row with anyone, I feel like s**t afterwards and would probably be the first to apologise just to smooth things over. Not with him though , he brings out the worst in me, I shake when he comes back in after going out, feel sick, wondering what b******t is coming next. Most of them say they just want to be loved but how can you love anyone who behaves like that.
    Are you still together?

    • #106030
       Walkingonsunshine 
      Participant

      Hi @scapegoat
      Omg the ‘why’ I have spent sooo much time looking for answers to this. Does he know he’s doing it?? The thought that someone could act like that on purpose is just baffling. I tried to talk to him, He doesn’t see his behaviour as an issue, or conveniently ‘doesn’t remember’ or tries to gaslight me with more excuses. But I guess no one is going to own up to being an abuser.

      Mine was also never happy. He even admitted that in the end. That he got nothing out of the sex which absolutely crushed me, to know how I felt having to go through it and he didn’t even enjoy it either – it’s like you say, it was almost a habit, or I got the impression it made him feel ‘like a man’ I felt like I was a toy that no one else could play with and he got a kick out of that.

      Mine defo brings out the worst in me. He’s so bitter, so hateful, I found myself getting sucked into his ways when I was around him just to appease him.
      I remember feeling fine until 10 mins before I knew he’d be home from work, then my body just changed, I started to feel worried and anxious. What kind of mood would he be in, what would he say today? My body was telling me before I knew something was wrong.

      We’re not living together Anymore, I can already see a change in me (as can my parents) but there’s still a long way to go x

  • #106037
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    From what I’ve seen, experienced, read about – it really all boils down to one thing in the end and that’s the question of do they have a conscience/empathy or not? Does the world just revolve around them? Does everything they do about getting what they want and of course throwing in some torture for the fun of it because it makes them happy to do so? Unfortunately, people with no conscience just don’t care about you. And yes, alot of them do hurt people for fun as well because it lights up the pleasure centers in their brain.

    It’s kinda like studying an alligator for a length of time and pondering over and over about – why is that alligator not like me? I’m a bunny rabbit but I still don’t get it. I think I’ll get even closer to him to see if I can convince him not to be an alligator and be like a bunny rabbit instead! Chomp.

    When we attach to someone at the hip, alot of times we assume the position of being like them and they are like us, etc. The being one thing comes into play. In all reality being one isn’t such a good idea. People should keep their personhood/autonomy and be a whole and not a half when coming together. So once attached and super glued in then if they do something weird and mean, we ask what did I do and how could they do that, I never would, etc. But at some point you do have to realize, no, they are so not like you…

    But we just keep looking and looking into the alligator’s mouth and wondering why oh why he can’t be a bunny rabbit. He’s a whole different creature and examining him or trying to change him, or loving him out of it, or being a martyr for him definitely won’t do anything for – you at all. Just because we have chosen to love someone or be with them doesn’t mean we are responsible for who they turn out to be in reality.

    I spent alot of time with my hand on the “why?” button, up inside the alligator’s mouth with a wrench, hammer and screwdriver, a flashlight, magnifying glass, some home remedies, potpourri, and some glitter dust. I about got my backside bitten clean off. Narrowly escaped with my life! So yes indeed, when we all compare notes and see the similarities, it’s just “who they are”. Has nothing to do with you at all. Not about what you do or don’t do, they’d grumble about anything and pick on whoever is available. You won’t fix them, won’t change them.

    When we do that, it’s like a weight is lifted and you say – ohhh……..it’s not really about Me is it? No, it’s really not. If over time you see a pattern of selfishness, no accountability for anything, cruelty, never really being sorry because if they were – they’d change their ways and you wouldn’t have to drag them to counseling or threaten to leave for that to happen. They’d just know and do it on their own. When you see that it doesn’t bother them at all how much pain they cause you, they sleep just fine – then we kinda have to sit back and go, OMG, you’re an alligator. I can’t make you into a bunny rabbit, can I? And it’s not because of me that you’re like this either.

  • #106041
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    That’s brilliant @ braelynn thank you!
    @walkingonsunshine you’ve described my husband too-he’s not happy, he’s angry and bitter and resentful of everyone else and we (myself and our children-although currently he’s being brilliant dad just an arse to me) are where he releases those feelings.
    My work hours are increasing and it’s such a relief to be away from him more because I too can’t be me around him.
    I’m very slowly going to start getting my ducks in a row.
    Xx

  • #106047
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @braelynn love this, alligator indeed. And that’s it. Zero compassion or empathy. I see it when really bad things happen in the world and he has no reaction. Nothing. I can’t believe a person can have no compassion but I see it in him. Daily. It’s frightening.
    @kitkat44 same here. It’s weird seeing it in action isn’t it? It’s bullying.

  • #106135
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    You know what ladies? We have the right to do things like……hm,m,m….I picked this product, bought it, took it home and it’s a piece of c**p! Returning it! Sure don’t need something that doesn’t work! Might not get my money or energy back here but so what? That’s yesterday, today’s today and not settling! But in situations like this we….tinker with it, feel too bad about taking it back, we chose it, we’re stuck with it. Just have to live with my decision, all the hype in advertisement and all that, glowing reports from people who were plants to get me to buy, etc. I fell for it soooo, it’s all my fault and I am powerless to do anything about it…. sigh. Uh, no, you’re not powerless…. If it doesn’t work, fix it because you’ll never fix them. You deserve a life that works well. But that will never happen if we keep accepting second best or lower than that, right? What’s the point in tinkering around with something that’s a poor design in the first place? And yes, we have a right to call it exactly what it is.

  • #106136
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    I meant if your life doesn’t work, fix “that” but forget trying to change or fix them. Time to change our standards in a situation like this, right?

  • #106141
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I’d worked for his company for (detail removed by moderator) when, on a business trip, he launched himself at me (detail removed by moderator) and I didn’t know what to do. Because of my family situation I was vulnerable, and he was in a position of power and authority and was (detail removed by moderator) years older than me, so even though he repulsed me I gave in. Oh, and he was married, and a serial cheater, too. I tried to end it many times over the years, but he was pushed himself on me and even went out and bought sex toys after I ended it, yet was never there when I needed him. He cheated on me multiple times yet never admitted it. Over time he isolated me from my friends and family, and removed me from my home/city where I lived again and again to further distance me from people who cared. He made me front his business, while he did dodgy dealings I was unaware of behind the scenes. He took out loans in my name, without my knowledge or consent, then pressurized me to sign them, even when I was in hospital after a long Labour and emergency c-section with our (detail removed by moderator) child. Although we’d been trying for him for (detail removed by moderator) years, he questioned the paternity, secretly hoped I’d miscarry, and worked me so hard I almost collapsed from exhaustion. He was hours late picking me up from hospital and left me alone at home, taking my pain medication with him, and expected me to start work the next day, which I duly did. The (detail removed by moderator) I made dinner for him (detail removed by moderator) when he finally returned, and within (detail removed by moderator) of my baby’s birth he pressured me to be back at work full time. I tried to meet up with antenatal class friends but he wouldn’t speak to me when I returned, and after a group I went to (detail removed by moderator) after my child’s birth he wouldn’t come come and meet me, so I had to walk up the street with my baby in their car seat, despit my c-section scan, because he had to take an ‘important phone call’. He also called his ex wife every single night of our relationship (he finally left her after our (detail removed by moderator). He groomed me and was predatory, and would ply me with alcohol until I passed out, then he’d (detail removed by moderator) in restaurants, have sex with me (detail removed by moderator) in public places, or I’d wake to find him having sex with me. He pressured me to move abroad with him, and shortly afterwards we were investigated by the police for his bad business dealings. I was completely isolated, as were my children, and days and days would pass before we saw anyone. I finally realised what was happening and fled with the children and had to go bankrupt because he left our home (which, conveniently, had a huge mortgage in my name only). My children were timid, lacking confidence and unused to socialising. We left (detail removed by moderator), and even (detail removed by moderator) he sent flowers on my (detail removed by moderator) birthday. He is a monster. People he upset in business have publicized my name and address online (from my bankruptcy posting) and are inciting people he has let down to come to my house. Thank you for letting me get this out, and I’m sorry I haven’t stuck to the format you suggested!

  • #106144
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    But you are out now [email protected]!! Good for you!!! Wow, that’s quite a story. I am so so sorry…. The damage they do is just unbelievably horrific. On and on it goes and just gets worse every day. We have to muster up the courage to make a run for it because the longer we wait, the weaker we get. I hope you are doing better now and I hope you stomped on those flowers! Grrr! Alot of women don’t get out. They wait too long. You managed it and your kids have a chance now to heal alongside you. What a monster indeed! Turns my stomach inside out. Just want you to be okay now. Love yourself, your kids and build that strong foundation now, firm boundaries and never ever again allow anyone to treat you this way, okay? The past is the past and all we have is this present moment. Plan for your future and absolutely know what you will and will not allow because otherwise someone else will tell you what that is and exploit you.

    • #106147
       [email protected] 
      Participant

      Thank you Braelynn. There’s still a huge part of me that thinks it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and that I’m exaggerating, although I’m getting better at this as time goes on. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD and I can’t see me ever having an intimate relationship again, I’m constantly triggered by any slight thing that reminds me of him, and it turns my stomach. I can’t tell you how brilliantly my children are doing, they generally don’t miss him and are thriving like you wouldn’t believe. We fled and spent (detail removed by moderator) living with my alcoholic parent, which was tough in many ways, but we’re on our own now, and I feel incredibly lucky literally every day, I’m so thankful to be safe and have my children. I’m terrified he’ll apply to the courts for access but right now he isn’t, he’s still overseas and my local da charity thinks he is unlikely to. Thank you so much for listening, I can’t tell you how good it’s felt to get this all out! Xx

       

       

       

  • #106199
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping in case it helps someone 💐

  • #106385
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Bumping up to the top again

  • #106413
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Monday morning bump. 😘

  • #106461
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Monday evening bump xx

  • #106493
     Catjam 
    Participant

    Behaviour

    He has accused my friends of coming on to him.
    He hates my family.
    He always made it hard to see friends so now I have none.
    He now tries to encourage me to be friends with people he classes as safe, unlikely to lead me astray
    He comes across as an amazing husband and dad. But it’s always on his terms.
    He throws things.
    He suffers with road rage.
    He thinks he is better at everything even at experts on the tv.
    He buys me expensive gifts but I always have to be told exactly how much it cost and if he buys me something like the roses the other week he sulks if I am not suitably grateful.
    He is a master at the silent treatment and withdrawal of affection.

    He doesn’t do anything for nothing. He claims he does but there is always a price to pay.
    He has always spent his money on what he wants, he always paid the bills but for a long time the kids and I dressed in hand me downs from friends and neighbours.
    He encourages me to improve myself at college or at work but then sulks or tantrums when I am not home when he wants me to be.

    Sex is something that needs to happen so he feels loved.
    He used to say you only go looking for it when you aren’t getting it at home.
    He has woken me up for sex or kept me awake till I give in.
    Photos and films have been taken but he is seriously annoyed because (detail removed by Moderator) I burned the photos. They weren’t my pictures, they were his.
    He likes to have sex outside even though I clearly don’t and then had the gall to tell me it was my idea years ago as He had never done it before.

    He is extremely jealous and possessive.
    He got annoyed I turned the tracker off on my phone.
    He opens my post.
    He thinks I have changed the settings on our mobile contract as my call list is no longer itemised.
    He needs to know who is texting me and thinks I change my tone for my male boss.
    He is supportive when a crisis happens but he usually uses it against me later.
    There are more I could write but I needed to prove to myself that he is actually as bad as I think. After reading some of your lists I was beginning to think I needed to get a grip and go easier on him as I was trying to convince myself that life with him isn’t so bad.

  • #106505
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @catjam Nope This Is Abuse. Have you read the book called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men” Lundy Bancroft. He lists types, I read some of it last night again and realised that he’s also a couple of other types, not just the Water Torturer I had identified before. He’s Mr Right. He’s Mr Sensitive too. According to Bancroft there are 10 types of Abuser…If you google Types of Abuser by Lundy Bancroft you’ll get the list in short version, I am sure you will find your husband somewhere in there.
    Point being, they are all different and I think that is the really important thing about this post and what is coming out. There are some similarities, there are some differences, just like people really, we are all individuals, but the central theme in the every story is Power and Control.
    Don’t get a grip, if you can get out instead. I know its not easy, I’m there too, but so many powerful stories here from women who have. Another truth seems to be that it does get worse. I can definitely say it is getting worse where I am. If you are planning on leaving, number one is don’t let him know. It is the most dangerous time for a woman, as the perpetrator loses control he panics and does everything he can to hold on tight…this is when serious fatal assaults happen.
    Perhaps you could contact your GP, and ask for a referral to domestic abuse service, or call the helpline. Sending strength, thanks for finding the time and strength to add yours to this. I hope you are ok, its not pretty when you start to realise the reality. Be kind to yourself. Its not you, its him. Its so important to other women going through this. You will be ok. xx

  • #106506
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Meant to say that Lundy Bancroft also has a website with some more information on there too, with up to date research etc.

  • #106517
     Catjam 
    Participant

    Iliketea, I have read this book and I am currently rereading it. I have been totally brainwashed and sucked in by him since I was a teen. Our kids are all grown up now so a long time.
    For the most part I was happy, I didn’t know life was any different regardless of what friends and family said. The good times were amazing, far outstripping the bad. But the day he told me how bad I had made him feel when I asked him to sit behind me at the funeral of my (detail removed by Moderator). I needed to look after my dad and my sister but one of our kids had asked to come and it was their first funeral so I asked him to stay with them which meant of course he was behind me not at my side.
    He never said anything at the time, he blind sided me with it (detail removed by Moderator) months later. Apparently I put my family before him and so on. But that was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I am still here

  • #106674
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    I tick many, many of the traits listed above for my abuser too, but I’d like to know if anyone has anything like this…

    When we are in the car together, going somewhere new, or perhaps in a hire car on holiday, he makes me navigate. This will include doing all the research, getting exact instructions in advance etc. And then he refuses to engage. He says “I’m doing the driving, just tell me where I’ve got to go”. So he won’t acknowledge signs, for example on the motorway, or tell me the name of a street that we’re passing. If we can’t do what the satnav or map is telling us to do, he gets really cross with me and expects me to sort it out straight away. He’ll even get in a hire car and say “right, where’s the exit”, expecting me to look for the sign and tell him. And when we get there, he’ll tell me he’s exhausted, he’s done all the driving.
    In fact, he quite often insists on doing all the driving, even if we’re doing a long (familiar) drive in the UK. And then expects special treatment for days because he did all the driving.

    If we share the driving (and I’m quite a good driver) I get constant instruction. “It’s a 30” (I’m going at 30), (removed by moderator)

    But it’s the navigating thing that gets me most “just tell me where I’m supposed to be going!”

    Anyone else? X

  • #106759
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    A lot of this is familiar. Still struggling to realise it. I have had it’s my OCD excuse too.

  • #106760
     Catjam 
    Participant

    My word it’s rather scary how alike these guys are. If I drive anywhere he points out potential hazards even if I have seen them and I am reacting. When he is driving I get lectures on taking corners better or reading the road.
    It reached a point where I refused to drive especially anywhere new as I got so anxious.
    If I am driving and he gets annoyed with another car, then he will bip my horn and start shouting and swearing.
    Lost count of how many times I have shouted for him to stop chasing a car that has cut him up because he is scaring our kids in the back.

  • #106761
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    What wee little brats in men’s bodies, running around with a soggy load in their diapers, eh? Is there an island we can ship them off to during lockdown and then just forget to go back and get them? What? a week? You’d given them before they off’d each other? dream a little dream…..:)

    • #106764
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      🏜️ 🏝️🦈 take your pick!🚢

  • #106929
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Thanks for starting this. I have to contribute because of the pattern. It is very sad isn’t it? All these beautiful women putting up with this, day after day.
    Okay here goes….
    What is my abuser like?
    People think he is caring, friendly and sincere and he can be
    He is not all bad all of the time
    He can be very kind and thoughtful, funny and charming
    He is tall, good looking and physically impressive and he knows it
    He takes alot of care with his appearance and clothes and expects me to do the same when we are in public but in private he slobs about and doesn’t notice me anyway.
    People seek him out and are attracted to him. He will be sociable all night often talking to everyone but me, making me feel left out, but as soon as we get home, he drops the acts and picks on me. He will sometimes go straight out again whatever time of night, ditching me, saying I was embarrassing or flirting as an excuse.
    He has a go at me on the way somewhere then completely switches when we arrive, putting his arm around me and telling me to smile and stop being moody
    He is different in front of people than he is at home
    If he doesn’t like my friends he goes into another room and is antisocial. They can sense the atmosphere
    I don’t feel relaxed. I am tense and watchful.
    If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash although a couple of times he let slip and friends saw true colours.
    He will be nice to my sons but cold and indifferent to me.
    He never makes the effort to do something others want to do. He will just refuse.
    He doesn’t like me or the kids making demands on him. Ever. But he will drop everything for an acquaintance or friend.
    He will ignore his sons when they come round and watch TV in the bedroom all day, leaving me to do everything
    He gets annoyed if I do housework because he says it disturbs him, and annoyed when I don’t and the house gets messy
    He gets very angry if I move objects, or touch ‘his’ things, even to clean
    He won’t let me iron his shirts because I don’t do it right
    He is always right and he doesn’t like me having opinions on anything privately. However in front of others he listens to me, talks up my achievements and acts like he respects me.
    He is entitled and will give others he thinks inferior a really hard time
    He future fakes all the time, talking about all the wonderful things we will do that never happen. I love when he talks like this. He talks of marriage, buying the perfect country house, starting a business, foreign holidays and new cars – blah blah blah.
    He needs constant praise and I have to thank him profusely for every little thing he does to avoid the sulks
    He harbours grudges against others, sometimes for years and will plot and scheme to get what he wants.
    He flirts with other women but denies he does this. He says I am insecure and threatened and that he would never cheat on me because I give him sex so he doesn’t need to.
    He will say I am raising my voice and he can no longer talk to me if I am going to be abusive if disagree with him on anything
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard, he says I said or did things I didn’t and on different days/times
    He gaslights and manipulates. He tells me I am menopausal or losing my memory when I am confused.
    He lies without remorse and seemingly believes his own lies. He blackens my reputation with our peers to save his own
    My friends describe him as ‘Alpha Male’ because he is very macho and a man’s man.
    He is clever and a strategic operator, he never rushes
    He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
    He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he doesn’t give me eye contact. He has no patience with me or what I say, hurrying me to finish or saying he doesn’t want to talk about it now.
    He will physically leave the room when I am in mid-sentence or change the subject.
    I have to book a time to talk about anything important and he will dictate that time
    He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough but instead of discussing it, he sulks or gives me silent treatment.
    He used to get very angry. He used to shout. He still swears at me but is careful over being overtly abusive because my sons are usually around and he knows what he can, and can’t, get away with
    After an argument and I have gone to bed, he will put the light on and wake me up to continue the row.
    He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else. He KNOWS this and he puts other people down and criticises them constantly but never to their face.
    He says I think I am cleverer than him and he criticises my tendency to over think everything as dull
    He minimises my feelings as unimportant and illogical
    He criticises me in private but backs me in public
    He used to call me names.
    He sulks but then says it’s me and I should look at my behaviour.
    He tells me there is something wrong with me.
    He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship.
    He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking.
    He says that I am not making any sense and then tells me what he thinks, which is what I have just said.
    He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
    He uses sarcasm and ‘fake’ affection
    He doesn’t drive and uses me as a chauffeur. I have all the pressure of driving and he has no appreciation of how exhausting it is. Sometimes he says he will pass a test but he never has.
    He buys me gifts sometimes and sometimes takes me out and we have a wonderful time together. I am always very grateful. It makes me happy but it is rare.
    He is secretive and tells me what he does and where he goes is none of my business. He gets angry if I ask him pretty much anything.
    He has (detail removed by Moderator) phones and I have no idea how much, or little, money he has or what his assets are.
    He uses my love for my sons to hurt me, and plays us off on each other
    He thinks all women of a certain age are menopausal.
    He threatens to call the authorities to tell them I am abusing him
    He sends abusive, cold or hostile messages

    He is always accusing me of
    Being a bad person
    Being a horrible/terrible person
    Being violent
    Being abusive
    Being out of control
    Being selfish
    Swearing and shouting
    Putting my sons first
    Not looking after him properly, neglecting him or his needs
    Being interested in other men
    Doing the wrong thing, whatever I do
    Being stupid/crazy/mad
    Being clumsy
    Being menopausal
    Being depressed or mentally ill
    Being over emotional
    Being a drama queen or spoilt brat
    Being in a bad mood all the time
    Moving his things

    Emotions
    If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention
    If I am angry or upset he tells me I am abusive and violent
    There is cold comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work. Sometimes these events have triggered the worst abuse I have had. He seems to get very angry at me at these times. Why?
    He won’t talk about feelings but can be very sentimental.
    He shuts me out and refuses to talk about his feelings and then accuses me of not caring or being thoughtless
    He expresses his emotions as rage or silence
    He doesn’t lose control, unless through anger
    These days he is covertly aggressive and clever enough to know what he can get away with and what he can’t.
    He seems incapable of showing genuine love and affection but was very loving and affection at the start of our relationship

    Control
    He accuses me of flirting or being over friendly with other men
    He tells me if my clothes are too revealing and tries to control what I wear
    He says all other men are perverts and are looking at me
    I don’t feel I can speak freely on the phone to my friends in front of him, he always listens and comments
    Its not always subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
    he manipulates every conversation and causes chaos if he senses he is getting nowhere
    He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’. He says he wants to understand, he gets me to repeat and if I can’t remember details he says I am lying
    If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me or threaten to tell others
    He doesn’t like some of my friends, he is rude about them.
    He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
    He hides my car keys/wallet/phone/bag to stop me going out.
    If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets annoyed but he doesn’t answer any of his.
    He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
    He will ignore me for days/weeks/months if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.

    Money
    He’s reckless with MY money, it has no value.
    He tells me how what I earn is more than him so i should pay
    He refers to ‘his money’
    He encourages me to spend – to spoil myself
    He tells me what to buy for him
    He doesn’t pay for food, bills or anything else
    He will tell me how spoiled I am.
    He is tight and doesn’t spend if I am there to do it
    He has contributed to debt and left me to pick up the pieces
    he never forgets a debt, however small but doesn’t pay back what he owes without calling me tight for asking

    Physical
    He threatened to punch me in the face
    He pushes and shoves, he tripped me up
    He shouts into my face.
    He says I have been violent to him
    He stops me from leaving a room by blocking the door

    Sex
    He likes sex but stopped bothering to initiate it with kisses, touching or intimacy, he just rolls me over and gets straight to it. I have tried to talk to him about it but he pushes me away.
    He used to encourage subversive sex
    He likes pain
    He wakes me up to have sex or starts sex with me when I am asleep
    We used to have sex everyday but now it is less frequent and makes me feel used and sad.
    He talks about my body as if it is purely there for his sexual gratification
    He never touches me or is intimate or flirtatious with me outside of the bedroom
    I don’t know if he watches porn.

    Timeline
    It was love at first sight for me and very intense from the beginning. I was and still am pretty obsessed with him
    He seemed to know me well from the beginning, he told me he loved me after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and the love bombing was intense.
    He was still living with someone else at the start
    There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant and had no idea about abuse
    He bullied me from early on but I was hooked so didn’t notice it
    I threw him out before but took him back when he promised he had changed
    He told me he had cancer when I asked him to leave
    he asked me to marry him when I asked him to leave
    At the end he stopped eating, lost weight and neglected his own self-care then blamed me for abuse and said I was threatening him.
    He threatened me with the authorities, lied and intimidated me.

    Now?
    I am totally different to what I was when I met him. I was younger for a start, vivacious, creative, lively, attractive and popular. I had lots of friends of both sexes and enjoyed hobbies and interests. Slowly all that went. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My hobbies have gone. My creativity squashed, my confidence and my health have been destroyed and my body is older and I feel used up.
    I am emotionally exhausted. I cry and feel wretched and abandoned and have CPTSD.
    My finances are screwed and my security shot to pieces and I have our belongings to unpick. His things are still in my home and there is much to do.
    My memories of our time together are confused because of the trauma.
    My sons are devastated and my wider family don’t know about the abuse – its just too complicated and shameful
    I am still bonded to him and still addicted but I am breaking free.
    No Contact the only way for me

    Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

  • #107048
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Sunday bump 💐 🌈

  • #107060
     Cecile 
    Participant

    This is a powerful post. All these accounts ring so true. The use of the car to be abusive… blaming, screaming at me if he took a wrong turn. I even saw him hit his elderly mother once when he asked her to do directions. The lack of empathy, the lack of interest in others. Never asked anyone how they where. Why are they so alike? I think its because society and newspapers and the media and the internet and poor parenting by their mothers tell them that they can behave like this, that it’s how you can treat women.
    And the politics allow it. We have a PM who presents himself as highly sexual and therefore predatory imo with no apology for his behaviour and his responsibility to his former wives and children. He uses expressions like ‘spaff it up the wall’ when discussing funding for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. He presides over a boys club where the token females have to behave as tough as the men, and the vulnerable people of society-immigrants, minorities, women, the poor- are scapegoats for c**p policies.They knew when the curfew was introduced that many many women were basically being imprisoned with abusers and murderers and their situations would worsen and they ignored it, thereby giving consent to the abuse. Many women have died from murder during this period, but that doesn’t seem to count.The message is a shrug and a token ‘oops’. The is why abusers know they can behave like this.

    I have been free now for (detail removed by Moderator) months and everyday is a good day, an amazing day, because I can choose what I want to dd and I do it. Its just basically living, I am alone and don’t socialise, but I live in fear it will be taken away from me. I knew he controlled me but it was huge and daily, my every moment was subject to his negative scrutiny. I hate him so much. Hate hate hate. I know people say it’s bad to be full of this, but I need to be after years of suppressing my feelings to a point where I lost all my emotions.I lost all ability to discern, all my sense of self.
    I have to go back soon to get the rest of my belongings and I really really don’t want to, I am so scared. I really, really don’t want to. I feel sick.

    • #107062
       iliketea 
      Participant

      Hi @cecile I remember your posts when I first joined and your freedom has been a beacon for me. I feel better you say hate too as that’s all I feel for him, I’ve been wondering if that makes it non-abusive but I don’t think it can. It’s a survival mechanism, in the same way as love is too. We’re all individuals after all. The similarity in their behaviour is disconcerting. Very.

  • #107157
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Bumping up for help💞

  • #107322
     tavarish 
    Participant

    Hello,
    I am new to this forum. Thank you very much for sharing this.

    What is my abuser like?
    He is extremely jealous, he got in fights a couple of times. We were talking in a group and a guy told him that he is so lucky to have a wife like me that likes (detail removed by Moderator). Next, he attacked him. Bouncers came and took him out of the place.
    He pretends with others that he is so emphatic with other cultures; that he travels to my home country a lot, he loves it and he loves the food, the places, and people. But when we are at home, he says that (detail removed by Moderator) are lazy, corrupted, that is dangerous there; that there are many criminals; he has even insulted my family and me.
    He pretends to be caring, thoughtful, and sincere. He always says to everyone that he loves me and knows the best for me.
    People used to think he is very possessive but that he loves me and maybe he is just not controlling it well but he is a nice guy.
    He asked me to lie for him; if he pushed me or did something bad; he asked me to go for dinner with his family and not say anything. That will make them really sad, and it would be my fault.
    He is not all bad all of the time, we had many good moments and he was sometimes apologetic when he was mean.
    He can be very kind and thoughtful, funny and charming. Those times make me forget what he has done or maybe to believe that he could change.
    He is good looking e and he knows it, but he always makes sure that I boost his ego and I don’; would accuse me that I find another man attractive.
    He is not sociable and neither talkative, he has not many friends.
    He is a hard-working person but he often compares his achievements with others.
    He is different in front of people than he is at home.
    If he doesn’t like my friends he goes into another room and is antisocial. Some friends had to stop visiting us and asked me not to invite him out because he ruins the time. They can sense the atmosphere
    I don’t feel relaxed. I am tense and watchful.
    If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash although a couple of times he let slip and friends saw true colours.
    He pretends to be apologetic, he always says he is the worse and then a minute after he blames for it. That I made him like this.
    He is entitled and will give others he thinks inferior a really hard time, but attacks others when they say something about him.
    He future fakes all the time, talking about all the wonderful things we will do that never happen. I love it when he talked like this it makes me feel he loved and appreciate that we can actually build a future together. He talked about having kids, buying the perfect house, traveling to my country, and buying a beach house there as well. But again he gets frustrated and blames me, that if we can’t do it is my fault.
    He needs constant praise and I have to thank him profusely for every little thing he does to avoid the sulks.
    He harbours grudges against others, sometimes for years, and will plot and scheme to get what he wants.
    He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard, he says I said or did things I didn’t and on different days/times.
    He gaslights and manipulates. He tells me I am crazy that I exaggerate things.
    He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough but instead of discussing it, he sulks or gives me the silent treatment.
    He says I think I am cleverer than him and he criticizes my tendency to overthink everything as dull
    He minimizes my feelings as unimportant and illogical
    He criticizes me in private but backs me in public
    He used to call me names, stating that I am fat or foreign or sth.
    He sulks but then says it’s me and I should look at my behavior.
    He tells me there is something wrong with me, that I am damaged because my parents separated.
    He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship; that my whole family is a bunch of weirdos.
    He told me that I have abused him and took advantage of his love.
    He sends abusive messages.

    He is always accusing me of
    Cheating on him
    Making him a monster.
    All the did, it was because he didn’t feel loved and he loved me a lot.
    Being unloyal, he actually wrote my mom saying this.
    Being damaged, because I had a hard childhood.
    Being damaged, because my father cheated on my mom.
    Not appreciating his love and how he took care of me and my mom.
    Being irresponsible
    Being violent
    Being abusive
    Being out of control
    Being selfish
    Putting my friends and family first.
    Not looking after him properly, neglecting him or his needs
    Doing the wrong thing, whatever I do
    Being stupid/crazy/mad
    Being slutty
    Being clumsy
    Being depressed or mentally ill
    Being a spoiled little girl.

    Emotions
    He manipulated me a lot, he told me that he is alone he doesn’t have many friends and that I should focus more on him.
    He used to tell me that nobody would want to marry me and that I should be lucky he wants me. That I should not look at anybody else.
    When I cry and complained about his behavior, he tells me he is having a hard time and that I caused it.
    He cried, he felt bad of what he has become and is very sensitive about it but he blames me again.
    He always attacked me with messages but after begged me to never leave him.

    Control
    He controlled what I wear; he liked me to wear attractive and revealing clothes but only when he was around. I could never go out like that alone.
    He says all other men are perverts and are looking at me; that they want to steal me.
    I don’t feel I can speak freely on the phone to my friends in front of him, he always listens and comments. Sometimes I spoke in (detail removed by Moderator) with my friends, and he pretended that he understood and asked me if I was speaking with them about him; what did I SAY?
    He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’. He says he wants to understand, he gets me to repeat and if I can’t remember details he says I am lying
    If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me or threaten to tell others
    He doesn’t like many of my friends and asked me to stop contacting them.
    He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
    He hides my bags, so I cannot leave; after when I left. He refused many times to give me my clothes back.
    If I didn’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets annoyed and accused me of being with someone else. He even asked me to send him a picture of the place I was.

    Money
    He always made me feel that I was a princess and that he spent a lot of money on me. I have always contributed to the house. Our parents understood we were a young marriage; so they also supported us. But he blamed me and told me that I embarrassed him in front of our parents because it is my fault that we need support from them.
    He bought me presents and nice things on special dates, but later he rubbed it in my face and accused me of being superficial. I told him that I don’t need presents I just want us to be good; and then he said that I don’t appreciate him.
    He brought us to debt; I paid half of it but he still accuses me of breaking his finances, that he is broken now. I don’t understand because I paid it for him.
    He compared himself to others and told me that I am useless that I do not make as much as he does.
    When I had an interview, where the salary was more than what he was earning. He told me, I was not going to get it.

    Physical
    He pushes and shoves, he tripped me up.
    He grabbed my arm and pushed me several times to the sofa.
    He was aggressive during (detail removed by Moderator), he pushed me and grabbed my arm in front of my friends. A friend had to step in front of it, so he could calm down. It was really embarrassing for me.
    One time he did a mannerism that he will put a pillow on my face.
    He punched guys because he accused them of flirting with me.
    He shouts into my face.
    He says I have been violent to him
    He stops me from leaving a room by blocking the door

    Sex
    He was always too pushy and always questioned me why I didn’t want to have sex.
    The worst thing he did is to almost force me to have sex with him, while he was on top of me, he opened my legs several times after I closed them, he opened them strongly hurting me and said ” (detail removed by Moderator)” and kept them open, I wanted to close them back and he was forcing them to be open. I was afraid that he was going to rape me or something, so I kicked him and run.
    One time, I got drunk and start crying and told him in front of this friends that he should (detail removed by Moderator), that I did not want to go back with him; next day I felt bad I did all this scene, so I asked him if we could do something to make it better, he told me he wanted to do something specific, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and that it hurt me, and he said..”(detail removed by Moderator)” So I continued.
    We were (detail removed by Moderator), and we had to sleep (detail removed by Moderator) he asked me to masturbate him even though my parents were next door; I said that it was not appropriate and that I didn’t like it. He told me that it is clear that I enjoy sex more with other people; I didn’t want him to think that; so I did what he asked.
    After those 3 incidents, I felt that things were just getting worse. I felt obligated to have sex.

    Timeline
    When I met him, I didn’t want a serious relationship. I was only (detail removed by Moderator), but then we were so in love and all went great. He was always possessive and jealous but I thought that he was too passionate, I did not see the red flags. After some time, things just got worse, he accused me of everything, even when I had eye contact with people, or if someone touches my shoulder when walking in a crowded place. I was blindly in love and I didn’t see more. I was not very open to my friends and I cut contact with many of them. Later when we got married, he made me feel less and he started to be more abusive. He told me that nobody would want to be with me as I am damaged. After the sexual incidents, I left him. I was destroyed because I still loved him but I was more scared. I went (detail removed by Moderator) and found a good job. He texted me for (detail removed by Moderator) years after I left. Accusing me of leaving him; embarrassing him in front of his family. He sent me naked pictures, asking me to come back but he was also telling me he had sex with some girls, but there were the second choices. He abused me mentally even after I left. He introduced someone to the family, but still blamed me for that even! That because I left he was forced to find someone. He never saw what he did and why I left. He kept abusing me after verbally, so I reported him to the police for the incidents I mentioned before.

    Now?
    I have filled out the divorce papers because I am disappointed and I confirmed that he never had any respect for women, and he was an abuser. I still feel very insecure sometimes, sometimes I doubt about the abuse he has done to me. I feel it is all a bad dream. I feel shy and scared to talk to my friends about it. My wider family doesn’t know about my divorce or that he was an abuser. However, he did tell all his family that I was a s**t and that I abandoned him to travel the world. I am talking to a therapist and doing some reiki sessions. I feel I am getting slowly my confidence back but I still have nightmares. I feel I do 5 steps forward but then I remember everything and I take 4 backward. I feel that I will never get out of this. I also started a new relationship; and I want to end it because I feel broken. The guy is very supportive but I feel that I can’t do any good to someone right now. My memories are broken and I feel that even though I am just (detail removed by Moderator), my life is so messed up. I feel in some way, I am still bonded to him. I hope this feeling goes away and once the police report is done.

  • #107404
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping
    xx

  • #107664
     iliketea 
    Participant

    A Friday night Bump.x

  • #107701
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    And another

  • #107770
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping for the women who are doubting, for the women who are wondering, for the women who need some reassurance. Reach out when you feel comfortable, there will always be somewhere here to listen. xx

  • #108256
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Bumping for the new women on the forum.xx

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