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Hi, a few of us felt it might be useful to write some posts to give information and support on specific issues. I think in a way we are all experts because we all have our own individual experiences, and each and everyone of these can in some way probably help somebody else. Its good to talk and share, that way we don’t feel so alone. Most of all abuse thrives behind closed doors, in secret, in silence, it’s what feeds it.
My GP identified the abuse, after someone on mumsnet told me it was Emotional Abuse. Naively I had no idea what this was. It opened up a whole world I didn’t know existed. I just knew my relationship was cr*p but I genuinely thought it was my fault. That I had made him this way. It was like this at the start, so I must have done something. And when I think about it, he said I had, so I had just absorbed that being drummed into me. All the things he said I was, on repeat, day in day out, for years. It was like brainwashing.
Please add to this, describe the abuse, the methods, the actions, the things they say and do, the words they use. Please be very careful of your identity, write in general terms, not specifics which could identify you, keep it anonymous, don’t talk about actual numbers, don’t mention gender of your children, or ages. I am blown away how time and time again women are describing my partner. But there have also been times when I’ve gone, hang on he doesn’t do that so does that mean he’s not really abusive. The media seem to always talk about abuse in terms of physical incidents, or stalking, or monitoring, or tracking, I am no way minimising any of those behaviours, but it is also a lot of other things too, some with those aspects, some without, some with others. As I understand it, it is all abuse because of the way it makes you feel. And that is the key. Someone more articulate than me and knowledgeable can probably explain that better and in more detail – please add if that’s you.
To get more of an insight into the whys try and get hold of Lundy Bancrofts “Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men“. When someone suggested I read this I immediately recoiled and said to myself “That’s not him, its not that bad” –
in my mind picturing a thug, smashing in doors, drinking, telling me not to wear a short skirt, tracking my every move, making me have sex when I didn’t want to…BUT that was MY misconceptions…This book is incredible and a complete eye-opener, when I read it in one night, I was shaking my head, my whole body was shaking, I couldn’t believe how accurate it was.Please add your own description if you want to. Headings would probably make it easier, I’ve tried to define some, add if you think of others that are more appropriate to you.
Behaviour
He is always accusing me of
Emotions
Control
Money
Physical
Sex
Timeline -
Behaviour
People think he is laid back and easy going.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
He will dominate a conversation and talks easily about himself.
He rarely asks people about themselves.
He is always right.
He talks over me.
He can say the same phrase over and over again if he doesn’t like something I’m saying.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone, does something repetitive.
He wakes up in a bad mood, doesn’t speak in the morning.
He is never happy, but he does sing when he has upset me, when I cry.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He is clever.
He doesn’t talk to me.
He never seems to relax, always on edge, like a volcano, about to explode at any minute.
He doesn’t make resolutions, he says they are pointless, he doesn’t need to improve anything.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
He gets angry with other drivers.
He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents.
He is secretive.
He lies.He is always accusing me of
Being angry
Criticising
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments
Being a bad parent
Being too emotionalEmotions
If I cry he ignores me, or mocks me, or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
If a child hurts themselves he freezes and then gets angry, he doesn’t comfort them.
He won’t talk about feelings. It is weak to do this.
He is angry.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.Control
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
I am not allowed to do certain things.
He is not interested in anything I do.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.Money
He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
He won’t discuss money – it always seems to become an argument.
He won’t save money.Physical
He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t clean.
He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
He says I make him do it.
He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times. He threatens me with this, he threatens to tell the authorities.Sex
There is none. In the early days this was used as a punishment. I didn’t realise. Now it is just my fault.
We have never talked about sex, I am forbidden.
He watches a lot of porn.
He eyes up women when he is with me.Timeline
There were red flags – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know to see them.
After every commitment I made it got worse not better.
My life has shrunk to 10% of what it was when I met him. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My confidence is less. My lines are more. My finances are less. My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy apart from a few at the start. I am literally a shadow of my former self.-
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Thank you for this.
I’m completely new on here and am feeling overwhelmed. I’m currently trying to get as much information as I can get before I can make a move to leave. It took me years to get to this point, initially I thought I’d just fallen out of love and it was arguments but then a friend pointed out that my situation sounded like it was actually controlling. Roll on another while with me in denial, a visit on here a couple of years ago and me educating myself, I started to realise she was right. Pre lockdown I thought I’d start to work my way through getting info, maybe try squirrel away money, but I wasn’t quite ready yet. Come lockdown and oh boy, being in the same space 24/7 has been hell. Previously with the way he works we were lucky to see him once a week, so the control/situation was manageable, 24/7 is tough.
I’ve gone through all the what if it’s me scenarios, is it really abuse if it’s not violence, but I suppose it’s denial. Now i’m at the despair point, I don’t know what to do. In the last three weeks I’ve managed to speak to the bank, Women’s Aid and today a lawyer from Women’s Rights. It’s all so overwhelming.
Anyway, this is my abuserBehaviour – Always argumentative, condescending, judgemental, pass remarkable, you know will always make a comment on about some if they are overweight. Rude to me, rude to my kids sorry our kids. Has no relationship with my daughter. Confuses the life out of me, I’m d****d if I do right and d****d if I do wrong. Speaks in (removed by moderator) (he’s british just learnt it so can speak it fluently) so that I don’t understand what he’s saying, slams things about, swears and mutters, tells my fur babies to f*** off, moans at them, pushes them. Lies, had an online/Whatsapp affair last year, (removed by moderator) and told me that all the sexual things he said to a virtual stranger was role play. Moans at what I cook, accuses me of hating his family yet he can speak anyway he likes about mine, and it’s not nice what he says.
He is always accusing me of flirting, asks me if I’ll run off with someone. Personal hygiene is disgusting. Doesn’t look at my text messages or respond. I’ve had the grand total of two trips away with friends in (removed by moderator) years, he didn’t like it and made it difficult in terms of not being there to look after his own kids, chose to work extra so he wasn’t with them, my mum had to come and cook for them. I had a wee side job to help me pay for a trip abroad last year but it finished before I could pay it off. He let me sell some of my belongings even though we have thousands in the bank.Emotions – plays with them, uses crocodile tears to manipulate me, throws I love you around constantly and then gets annoyed if I don’t say it back straight away ( I can’t say it anymore because I don’t mean it)
Control – Emotional Control has said during arguments, he’d be better off not being here, he’ll go run his car off a road etc. For a long time I didn’t realise this was psychological/emotional control.
Money – Money is a big one, has free and easy access to my accounts, I have none to his including the joint account set up at his bank. My name isn’t on the mortgage or our savings, it’s all in his name. Teased me with putting my name on the mortgage (removed by moderator), I had to sign something turns out it’s a contract that may see me get nothing from the sale of the house. I wasn’t told what the paperwork was for. I’m given a weekly budget to buy food and petrol, haircuts for the kids, have to ask constantly to buy clothes for the kids yet he can just go and buy what he wants. Calls me a money grabber.
Physical – no violence but I’ve realised has withheld a lot of physical contact, like I have to be the one that kisses goodnight or there’s a comment, or I have to hold hands and if I don’t something is said. But he doesn’t instigate things.
Sex – not had any in years, he’s not interested. He can’t look at me naked. I used to try to instigate sex but he wasn’t interested, now he moans because I show no interest. I used to think it was a reflection on me, you know I’ve had kids, your body changes, maybe I’m not attractive but I realise this is another method of control.
Timeline – years, sadly. Thought everything was OK in the beginning but when you step back and reflect it’s not.
That is my abuser, that’s the abridged version.
Thank you -
@daisyfairydust – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is horrendous abuse you are describing. And yes, the sex thing, or non-sex thing – I’ll bump another post I wrote on that, might help, I experienced the same for years and years.
Listen, I got out, you will too, you can too, just plan, plan, plan. Build up a support network of professionals. GP, IDVA from Local Domestic Abuse service, ask for a referral from GP, and counselling, if you can get some from someone who is DA trained. Can you try and get the free half hour that solicitors offer. I spoke to 4, if you make sure you have a list of what you want to know about, you can get a surprising amount of free information from these sessions. Just reign them in when they start talking about the basics Occupation Orders and Non-Molestation Orders – you can get that information online, its basic and standard. What you want to know about is your situation with house and mortgage and accounts… This sounds like financial abuse too.
This is a really good and supportive forum, ask away, there will be someone here who can help. Im going to bump a post for new forum women, it has a load of other useful threads as they sometimes go missing. This one has got so long now so definitely start a new one for your own questions and queries. Remember no detail about ages, or time frames, or names, or children, nothing identifying…
Stay strong, you’ll get there, I promise. What helped me the very most was reading and listening to audible books…Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that? And then Healing from Hidden Abuse, and The Covert Passive Aggressive N********t..
x*x
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Hi iliketea,
That was my abuser too, you have described it all perfectly.
I remember reading the book by Lundy Bancroft many years ago, it was actually the first book I read on the subject and it really helped me to understand the situation I was in, one of those ‘light bulb’ moments in life.
My abuser would punch holes in internal doors when he got angry and if I complained about the damage to the house he would tell me I should be grateful it wasn’t my head he punched.
If he was angry with me he’d make me sleep in the spare room, then he’d come and wake me up in the early hours of the morning and demand I returned to our bed.
They talk about this Covid-19 being a pandemic but DA is actually a pandemic! 1 in 4 women at some point in their lives experience DA.
I really wish the Government would take it more seriously and invest more financial help and refuges. Even now, professional support is limited and it is the lovely ladies on this site, who are struggling with their own situations day in, day out who are now trying to be the support network for others.
People are desperate for help and information but the delays in providing it are too long for some.
Thank you for your post too.
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Thank you @iliketea. Some days are easier than others, lockdown has definitely exacerbated things. I think I feel stronger every day, at the moment I’m definitely just in the planning phase. I just need as much information as I get before I can started moving on to the next phase.
I called the GP and broke down down on the phone, I’m usually so string but I’m living in such a high alert emotional state at the moment, he offered a prescription to deal with the anxiety but at the moment I’d rather not.
I can only grab moments here and there to look on here just now but I know that I will find lots of help, support and useful information.Thank you, xx
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Thanks @Hazydayz! x
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Well done Iliketea. That was incredibly brave to list it like that. (I just tried to do it too as mine has slightly different traits but had to delete it as I got myself in a right old mess!)
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Thanks @Escapee, maybe try the list I did at the top, copy and paste it, look at it like questions and then fill in under the ones you feel come easy, or just write, things he did, said, made you feel, it all helps, however it looks, especially as they’re different. The idea is just to help others realise it is all abuse. All the different shades and types. xx
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Wow! I’m in tears, so much from your lust is my situation, I’ve copied and pasted and tweaked it slightly to for my situation
Behaviour
People think he is laid back and easy going.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If someone arrives (quite rare we have no friends only the children’s friends call round) or he need to take a call he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
He glares at me and breathes heavily through his nose when he’s angry.
Stands in doorways hands on hips or arms crossed.
He rarely asks people about themselves.
He is always right.
He talks over me.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard. Yes! His phrase is “that’s not what happened”
When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone, does something repetitive. Doesn’t answer me or daydreams.
He can sometimes be happy or sometimes in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He is clever.
He doesn’t talk to me.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before-holds grudges.i think I’m now the person he bares a grudge with and a big reason why I don’t feel I can be me.
He gets angry with other drivers.
He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents. Has forgotten birthday- dashes yo supermarket on anniversary/Mother’s Day.
He is secretive.He is always accusing me of
Being cold and lacking affection
Being uninterested in him
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
Being Lazy-should exercise more (to help me feel happier about myself of course)
Being too emotional or over sensitive.
Being like my mumEmotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.-or it’s my hormones, I’m just tired.
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death (Really? You’re still upset about that?)to having a bad day at work.
If a child hurts themselves he freezes and then gets angry.
He won’t talk about feelings. He sighs and huffs and puffs and finds something else to do
He can’t tolerate the children’s emotions- gets frustrated and tells them to just stop It or go away and calm down.
He is angry.
He denies our feelings.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.
He tells me he’s miserable and has thought about driving off the toad to end it all.
He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated by him because I’ve got cross with him before.
If he feels he’s won A row he smirksControl
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way. If he wants to do it then we can’t not do it.
Decides on the furniture fixtures and fittings. Disapproves of things I buy for the home so I don’t bother now.
He is not interested in anything I do.He doesn’t like my friends (I only gave a few very old ones I rarely see. Others haven’t stuck around , he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.Physical
He doesn’t cook
He cleans The bathrooms and dusts And let’s me know when he’s done it. I should be grateful
He smashes things, he punches doors, he breaks things.
He pushes and shoves one of our children.
He says I/they make him do it.
He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times.Sex
There is none.
I used to do it once a week to get him to leave me alone. Now it is just my fault.
We rarely talk about sex, but he asks if we ever will again.
He watches porn.Timeline
There were red flags – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know to see them. Rages and control, knowing better, not listening to others opinions, loosing friends.
After every commitment I made it got worse not better.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is less.
My lines are more.
My finances are less.
I am literally a shadow of my former self.-
@Kitkat44 – its depressing its it? The ones you added are the ones I missed! Its SO frightening how they can all be so similar. Its liberating too in a strange way, writing it down, others validating, for me its helped a bit more than a book, because you are all real people. Its horrible and sad and makes me feel really angry but its also comforting to know. Somehow, we WILL get through this, this forum is so supportive. We will get out.
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Ok……2nd attempt….
Behaviour
People think he is caring, friendly and sincere.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
He will be extra nice to the children but be nasty to me.
He is always right and only his opinion is valid.
He is entitled.
He needs his ego stoking through constant praise.
He flirts with other women but denies he does this.
If I say something that doesn’t fit his view he sneers at me.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he focuses on the TV.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else.
He constantly criticises me.
He calls me names.
He treats me like a servant.
He tells me that I am lazy and never makes an effort.
He sulks but then says it’s me that’s in a mood and I should look at my behaviour.
He tells me there is something wrong with me.
He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship.
He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking.
He says that I am not making any sense and then tells me what he thinks, which is what I have just said.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
He uses sarcasm.
He gets angry with other drivers and suffers from road rage.
He buys me gifts and says that’s the only way he can show me affection. Others see these gifts and think he’s lovely .
He is secretive.
He uses my love for our children against me.
He thinks all women are mentally ill.
He threatens to call social services to tell them what a bad mother I am.
He sends abusive messages.He is always accusing me of
Being a bad wife
Being a bad mother
Being selfish
Being self absorbed
Being interested in other men
Not considering his needs
Being frigid
Being stupid
Being noisy
Being a drama queenEmotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention.
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
If a child hurts themselves, he gets angry at me.
He won’t talk about feelings.
He is angry.
He is passive agressive
He is incapable of showing love and affection.Control
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
I am not allowed to do certain things.
He expects me to go to bed very early to leave him alone.
He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’.
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
He hides my car keys to stop me going out.
If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets very angry and says he will take away my phone as I don’t deserve one. He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
He will ignore me for days if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.Money
He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
He refuses to lower his life style to fit our situation this makes our life unstable.
He tells me how what I earn is so little compared to his that it doesn’t count.
He tells me how it is his money that has bought everything.
He refers to ‘his money’.
He will tell me how spoiled I am.
If I try to be careful with money he calls me tight.Physical
He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
He shouts into my face.
He says I make him do it.Sex
He will never instigate it but gets angry if we don’t have sex and I don’t initiate it.
He wants me to walk around the house in ‘sl***y’ underwear – he will then carry on watching the TV. If I say I am cold he says he does’t care. I will be expected to stay dressed like this until I have instigated sex (but I’m in trouble if I try to get the experience over quickly).
If something hurts he tells me my body will get used to it.
He wants me to do things that make me uncomfortable and degraded. He says I should do things I don’t want to do because that’s what happens in a relationship.
He will be dismissive and bad tempered until I give him sex.Timeline
There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant.
Things progressed over time…….I knew he was a bully but I didn’t realise this was abuse and the damage it causes.
I have left before but gone back.
My life has shrunk to 10% of what it was when I met him. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My confidence and my health have been destroyed. I am emotionally exhausted and have PTSD. My finances are less. My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy.
I am literally a shadow of my former self.-
@Escapee you did it! He sounds like a complete 100% horrible bully, I am so sorry. Yes this is abuse, there is sexual abuse there too, no one should be coerced into doing anything they don’t want to do. I’m not sure where you are in the process, can you get an IDVA, referral from your GP? Thanks for adding to this post, its going to be really valuable for others. x
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I’m one of the lucky ones ILT; I have been out now for many months. I reached my enough moment and walked.
I really hope this helps other women, no one should have to live like this.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have been unable to articulate the abuse,bit was almost a block (especially the sexual abuse as I feel dirty and tainted) – it has really helped me accept that it was so abusive and I need to let go.
You’re an angel ❤️
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Oh ladies, I’m so proud of you all who have written these so far – it’s made me cry, seeing so much of my life in your lives too, what a horrible existence but how strong are we to go through this?! SO strong! And we’re reaching out for help and understanding and support – something totally foreign to them with their “I know best” attitude.
I’m going to try and do this myself during today and will post later x
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This is my abuser: iliketea I love this post and after the last few days I need to get it off my chest as I am crumbling.So here goes:
Behaviour
some people think he is caring, friendly and sincere
others view hime as being v angry and aggressive.
He is different in front of people than he is at home paying me compliments but then twisting it and putting me down (as a joke of course-but apparently I have no sense of humour).
If someone arrives/phones, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash.
He picks on our grown up son to get at me.
He is always right and only his opinion is valid, but it’s not an opinion its a fact!
He is entitled to constant attention and adoration
He needs his ego stoking through constant praise and compliments.
He flirts with other women but says he building their confidence but smashes mine to pieces.
If I say something that doesn’t fit his view he sneers at me.
He’s a hypocrite-one rule for me different for him.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
Interrogates me, changing subject so I’m confused.
He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he focuses on the TV which I never get to choose what I can watch.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.He threatens
He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else and better at job than anyone else, when he can be arsed to work.
He constantly criticises me.
He calls me names.
He berates me.
He belittles me.
He treats me like a servant.
He tells me that I am lazy and never makes an effort and don’t clean or do things to his standard.
He sulks but then says it’s me that’s in a mood and I should look at my behaviour.
He gives me silent treatment for days
He tells me there is something wrong with me.i’m mentally ill.
He tells me he rescued me -I would have been in the gutter.
He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking but apparently knows exactly what I am thinking.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
He exaggerates wildly and stretches the truth.
He gets angry with other drivers and suffers from road rage.
I on the occasion buys me gifts he wants a medal for it and will throw it in my face.He doesn’t go out of his way to buy anything that he thinks of himself for occasions like birthdays/Christmas etc
He is secretive.
He uses my love for our children against me.
He thinks all women are slags.
He threatens to lose my job
He threatens to punch people I work with.
He sends abusive messages.
He says I pay too much attention to my job, I love it more than him.He is always accusing me of:
Being a bad wife
Being a bad mother
Being selfish
Being self absorbed
Cheating on him with people I work with, people who live in road who I’ve never spoken to; people at the gym where i used to go(haven’t been for a night out ever with friends in (detail removed by moderator))
Monitors my time and whereabouts by insisting I text even if I go to a shop after work
Being interested in other men
Ringing my imaginary boyfriend
Says my phone is vibrating or making a noise when it’s not
Changing my underwear when I get home or before I come home.
Stealing his things;moving his things; snooping in his things
Watches me and listens in on me on security camera in the house.
Not considering his needs
Being frigid and boring
Being controlling and manipulative and abusive
Being stupid
Being a drama queen
Says I’m hormonal and mentally ill
Sings songs changing the words to s**g me off.
Walks around with headphones in.
Kicks off if I have to work 20 minutes later or go to a different location for a meeting
Says he wants DNA test for our son to prove he’s hisEmotions
If I cry he ignores me or tells me to shut up as it’s annoying.
If there is any comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work, he may listen but will use it against me.
He can’t talk about feelings can only shout and scream.
He is very angry.
He is passive aggressive
Only shows affection when it suits or to try and persuade me to do something.
Pretends he’s been crying and I’ve ignored him
Doesn’t trust meControl
Says I am controlling
Likes his own way
I am not allowed to do certain things.
He expects me to go to bed very early to leave him alone but then throws it in my face.
He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’.
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my job and would do anything to sabotage it and threatens to make a complaint about me if i ever tried to leave him
He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets very angry and says I’m up to something or if I answer too quickly I was on my phone chatting up other men. He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
He will ignore me for days if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.
Causes an argument then blames me for my reaction.Money
He’s reckless with money, it has no value. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
His work ethic is rubbish and he only works if he wants to.
He tells me I owe him from when the children were growing up and I only worked part time.
He says I’m in love with money as my job is better paid than his.
He tells me how it is his money that has bought everything and I owe him for supporting the fmily which he claims to have done all on his own.
Says he had more money then he really has in his wallet, making out that someone(me) has robbed him
He refers to ‘his money’ but I should share mine.
He will tell me how spoiled I am.
If I try to be careful with money he calls me tight.
Says I spend money unnecessarily (but I admit I probably do -my money)Physical
He smashes things, he breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
He storms around banging doors and windows
He pushes and shoves, he throws things at me.
He pokes me in the face
He grabs me around the neck
He grabs my clothing under the arms so it pinches me
He kicks me-not very often.
Treads on me to stop me getting away.
He shouts into my face and towers over me.
He spits in my face
He rubs things in my face like gone off food if I’ve forgotten to throw it away
He says I make him do it.Sex
He gets angry if we don’t have sex enough
He gets into bed after days of rowing like nothing has happened.
He says I’m boring because I wont have 3 in a bed
He likes me to dress up in ‘sl***y’ underwear – but will then say I wear it for other men
On occasion if I do wear sexy underwear he will pull a face at me and ignore and reject me
I am expected to climax a certain amount of times as some kind of trophy.
If something hurts he tells me you have to have pain with passion and that I don’t want to satisfy his need..
He wants me to do things that make me uncomfortable and degraded. He says I should do things I don’t want to do because that’s what happens in a relationship and it’s between these four walls.
He will be dismissive and bad tempered until I give him sex.
He will take photos of me -without my consent then threaten to publicise them.
He says I don’t want sex with him because I’ve been too busy at it with other men.
Watches porn
Receives messages from (detail removed by moderator) but he’s not paying for the subscription just likes to look at the pictures!
Accuse me of fantasising about other men and faking it with him.
Is over familiar with other women, touching them intimately.Timeline
There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant.
Things progressed over time…….I knew he was a bully but I didn’t realise this was abuse and the damage it causes.
I knew it was wrong even the night before we got married but felt too scared of backing out.
I have left before but gone back.
My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence and my health have been destroyed.
I am emotionally exhausted and have PTSD.
I have panic attacks
My memories of our time together are mostly unhappy.
I am literally a shadow of my former self.Wow, I’m not sure if I feel better or not for that as it makes me feel even more pathetic for putting up with it. It’s almost as if they’ve all been to the same school. It’s sickening that we have to live like this.I know technically we don’t have to but making that move is something I always back out.
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Oh Scapegoat – this made me cry. Why are the so cruel. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced the sexual abuse too. For me, the sexual element has left me feeling I can never have an intimate relationship ever again.
My love to you ❤️
I am free (ish) now and heading gently towards no contact. It really is the only way to recover as anytime I have contact with him I set my recovery back.
When you’re ready you too will be able to walk. Baby steps. Xx
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@scapegoat… wow this rings so true with me it’s unbelievable! I just can’t believe I’ve only just realised this is what I’m going through! Xx
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This post has made me cry too, and also panic. I am away from my abuser currently and he is being kind and loving on the phone but I am really panicking about resuming a life together. I haven’t missed him at all. I have been able to blank him. These lists just remind me. I don’t want to go back to the utter sense of worthlessness.
KitKat’s is so close to mine, but there are elements of others’ too. I think if I started listing, it would just be repetition as everyone has done such a good job.The thing that stops me from standing up
for myself or retaliating is that he just gets nastier and really personal and I hate that so much. So I walk away. And I hate myself for allowing myself to be walked over.Well done everyone. You are stronger than me. I couldn’t do it ❤️
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Goodness me, it’s incredible how we are suffering so much of the same. It’s so moving to hear all your voices. I want to send you all massive virtual hugs.
Lottie blue-don’t put yourself down chick, you too are strong. You’re not being walked over but Doing what you need to Do to survive that moment.
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Lottieblue I admire you for walking away so don’t put yourself down. It is far better than doing what I do and have a go back as it’s exactly what he wants and makes me feel like I’m just as much to blame too. I end up saying some nasty things back so I’m then as bad as he is. Walking away is much better
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This has been super-difficult and I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things but, like the others, I hope it helps someone to perhaps see/understand what is going on is wrong.
Behaviour/emotions:
People see him as laidback and easy-going, a great father and “community” man, willing to help anybody.
He is a totally different person in public, in front of his children and when he and I are on our own.
He has a way of making people feel sorry for him and plays the victim.
If someone comes round unexpectedly, we bump into someone in public or he answers a phone call he can switch his behaviour towards me in a flash.
He is uncomfortable, unless very drunk, having any kind of conversation but when he does, he mainly only talks about himself and doesn’t ask questions – if a person asks him a question about himself, he twists the conversation and ends up not answering.
He rarely asks people about themselves.
He is always right, will argue the Earth is flat if needed.
He’s happy causing a situation that creates havoc for others he doesn’t like or respect.
He never allows me to finish anything I’m saying, especially if it’s about how I feel – he talks over me. He’s starting doing that with his children too.
If he doesn’t like what I’m saying, he’ll keep asking me to repeat it again and again to frustrate me and make me shut up.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
He backs away from me when I’m talking.
He wakes up in a bad mood every day, he basically doesn’t speak in the morning but may start to talk if he starts drinking early.
He can give me the silent treatment for days on end.
He swears.
He is manipulative.
He is passive aggressive.
He is a compulsive liar, not just with me, with everyone.
He never seems to relax, he’s always on edge.
He says he never does anything wrong and other people stress him out.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots.
He gets angry with other drivers.
He drinks and drives.
He never answers my phone calls and very rarely responds to texts.
He doesn’t treat me, he doesn’t buy me presents, he pays for nothing except food/treats for his kids. Never gives me money for household bills.
He is secretive about everything, I never feel I have the full story or am allowed to know the full story.
If I cry he ignores it, shows no empathy or sympathy.
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work – he often takes these opportunities to pile more misery/stress on me.
He won’t talk about feelings.
He is angry.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.
He will find the one negative in something I’m proud of.
Unfortunately, on a handful of occasions, he has made me react abusively back to him.He is always accusing me of:
Being miserable.
Being angry.
Being anxious for no reason.
Attacking him with my words.
Criticising.
Complaining.
Making things up that he’s said.
Starting arguments.
Being too emotional.
Being useless.
Having no motivation.
Being lazy.
Watching too much television.
Being useless with money.
Being wasteful of water, electricity, food…
Not leaving the house enough but when I do I then haven’t done something he wanted doing in the house.
Touching his things, moving his things around.Control:
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
There is a constant underlying threat that if I don’t follow his rules or do what he says he will leave me.
I get criticised and told the “correct way” to do something but then when I do it that way it’s wrong, basically I can’t win.
He wraps criticisms in a “it’s for your own good” sentiment.
He bribes me in the form of “if you do this… I’ll do that” – the reward is often high, but if I fail through no fault of my own, he takes it as a personal attack on him.
Constant sarcastic “if I decide to do this for you”-type comments.
He will follow a compliment towards me with an immediate criticism or belittling statement.
He has isolated me from his children completely so I am not involved with them at all, even when we are under the same roof (can’t describe more as will be identifying).
He is not particularly interested in anything I do or have an interest in.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them and belittles them and says they talk rubbish.
He thinks my family are weird and I shouldn’t speak to them as when I do it is stressful.Money:
He’s reckless with money, he appears to spend all he has on alcohol. I have to manage the finances and find money when we don’t have it.
He won’t discuss money – it always seems to become an argument.
He lies about what he has spent money on.
He drives a car which is illegal to be on the road.
He won’t save money.Physical:
He very rarely cooks or cleans, unless it’s for his kids’ benefit.
He “accidentally” breaks things, he threatens to break things of value.
He says I am an abuser because I have retaliated a few times. He threatens me with this.Sex:
When we have it, it is entirely on his terms.
If I initiate, he tends to say no.
He tries it on with me and then blames me the following day if it disturbed his sleep.
After being horrible, he often tries it on and I give in as in that moment it feels like he cares.
Probably too graphic/identifying to explain but makes me feel worthless by not doing something which he did at the beginning.
He watches a lot of porn.
He constantly makes comments about/chats up other women in front of me and then blames me for not being as confident or sexy as they are.
Flirts with other women on text messages.
He blames me for my body changing since we met.Timeline:
There were red flags immediately – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know how to see them or what I should have been looking for. Other people did but I dismissed them.
After every commitment I made it got worse not better, for example, after saying I love you or after moving in together.
He shifts our timeline about in his head all the time to suit his current need.
My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
I have complex PTSD and have developed a trauma bond.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is basically at zero.
My finances are less.
My health has gone downhill, both mental and physical.
I have regular panic attacks which are dismissed as acting-up.
I have some happy memories of our time together but worryingly can’t remember most of the time we have lived together, when things have got so much worse – all good memories are shrouded in him being drunk.
I am literally a shadow of my former self. -
okay. I’ve done one too, it is hard seeing everything written down like this, and seeing just how many other people have such similar experiences. (Detail removed by moderator) years ago I would never have dreamed any of this was abusive, I thought abuse was only if you got beaten up. Thank you to everyone on here, this has really been a lifeline for me. (also apologies, I think my own list is stupidly long, I’m not very good at editing things down…)
Behaviour
He talks for hours about how betrayed and hurt he feels and everything I’m doing wrong
I am expected to sit in silence, he will sometimes pause for minutes between sentences and if I try and speak up he will snap at me “I’m not finished talking, don’t interrupt me”
He accuses me of being withholding because I stay silent
He lists so many different ways in which I am abusive, combined with other seemingly irrelevant stories about his past and work that I have no clue what to say anymore
When I finally get a chance to speak he interrupts incessantly and if I call him out on it he tells me that I’m being unfair and he needs a chance to ‘healthily interject” if he feels like I’m lying
He simultaneously thanks me for calling him out on interrupting me because he wants to be a better person
He latches on to irrelevant pieces of information I might say and turns the topic of conversation to a weird specific, derailing the conversation and making it impossible for me to ever get my point across
He tells me frequently how depressed he is as a reason for never listening to what I have to say
If I talk about his depression he says he can’t carry the weight of being the happy one all the time, the “entertainer”, when he is almost never happy.
If I say I just want him to feel okay he either uses this to justify why he is so selfish as he needs to “focus on himself” or to tell me how I only want him to be okay because I’m selfish and I can’t put up with it anymore and that I don’t actually care about him at all
He tells me what I think and feel and will never listen to what I have to say
He says he knows me better than I know myself
He doesn’t treat anyone else the way he treats me
Other people think he is kind and sensitive and can’t believe how badly I mistreat him
He spreads lies about me and then tells me how shocked everyone is at how badly I treat him and how everyone agrees with his behaviour
He is the master of silent treatment and will never give an explanation as to what I’ve done wrong this time
He never helps out with the children or around the house, and the rare occasions he does he uses it to criticise how poorly I’ve been doing it on my own
He tells me if I truly loved and respected him I would do exactly what he says, and never slip up or forget
He is like Sauron’s Eye (lord of the rings) and I am constantly on tenterhooks trying to make sure his gaze isn’t directed towards me
He drives recklessly with me and the children in the car if he is not getting his way
He smashes objects and toys
He punches doors and cupboards
He intentionally hurts himself in front of me and the children
He always does last minute shopping for birthdays and Christmas etc and spends lots of money on things I don’t really want then expects me to be overjoyed. If my reaction isn’t right he will go into a rage or a sulk or both
He hates everybody, but believes he is the most selfless person you will ever meet
He only ever has negative things to say about my family and friends
Family and friends aren’t allowed in the house if he is there, or if he might be there later
He screams and yells
He tells me that I need to leave the room if I feel like I will raise my voice, then blocks the exit if I try to leave telling me I am controlling, or follows me out
He calls me names
He only ever apologises for how I feel about something, not for his own actions
He uses the children to try and guilt me into doing things
He never does anything bad enough as a standalone incident for me to report or tell anyone, without it making me look like I’m mad or overreacting
He lies, but will swear that he hates lying and would never ever lie to anyoneHe is always accusing me of
Being abusive and controlling
Having issues from childhood I need to resolve
Being emotionally stunted
Having no empathy
Being unable to be accountable
Blaming him for everything
Turning the children against him
Reading into things that aren’t there because I am insecure
How he is worried how the children will grow up in my care
How it is my fault if the children have accidents because I wasn’t being a good enough mum
Disrespecting him
Not putting him first (ahead of the children)
How I changed since having children and he can’t stand who I’ve become
How I’m boring and never do anything fun
How I never make any effort to please him
Being stupidEmotions
He will sometimes comfort me if I cry, but then use this forever as an example of how self-sacrificing he is and tell me how hard it was for him to listen to me
If I ever raise issues about his behaviour he will hyperventilate and tell me he is going to kill himself
He has threatened suicide multiple times and made dramatic attempts in front of me
He tells me I should be over certain things, including deaths, and how insensitive I am if he’s had a long day at work
It is never okay for me to not be okayControl
Chores must be completed to an exacting standard
He tells me how he wants me to be free to do whatever I want, but makes it clear if he disagrees with my choices and will then punish me with silent treatment or rages if I go against him
If I have a different opinion to him I am not allowed to voice it, because we should “always be on the same team” and if I truly understood how depressed he was I would just always agree with him
Without fail, if there is an event I am looking forward to he will instigate an argument beforehand making the whole thing difficult and miserable
He never compromises, either it is entirely his way, or entirely mine, and then if it is my way he uses it to tell me how controlling I am even though all I wanted was to find a compromiseMoney
He is terrible with money and has no idea about bills
He spends long periods of time out of work
All financial responsibility is on me, and he is now accusing me of being financially abusivePhysical
He smashes things
Hurts himself
Sometimes handles the children too forcibly for my liking
He storms off and slams doors
He towers over me threateningly
He chases me if I try to get away and then tells me I’m being ridiculous, he would never hurt meSex
If I don’t give him sex when he wants it he will sink into a depression
I don’t feel comfortable saying no
He has told me that sex is something he needs for himself, it’s not for me or for us
I am too coy and need to be sexier
I don’t really care about him because I don’t want to have a threesome
I don’t really care about him because I find it hard to talk dirty
If I really loved him I would make these sacrifices for him, he would do it for me
He watches a lot of porn
He tells me how gross he finds my body since having children and that I should get surgeryTimeline
First few months were incredible, I couldn’t believe my luck at finding such a wonderful person that I seemed to click with on so many levels. I believed he was my soulmate.
In the first year he began small behaviours that I found questionable
Very gradually things got worse and worse, without me ever really noticing
I always held on to the hope that man I fell in love with would come back to me, and that it was all external factors making him behave that way
I believed if he could get help for his depression we would become the super couple I believed we were
There were always positive times between it all which kept me trying
After children things rapidly went downhill
The good times slowed and then stopped altogether
I sought marriage counselling on my own because he refused to come, claiming that he already knew how to fix all our problems but refusing to tell me how
I was told the relationship was abusive
It took me (detail removed by moderator) from that point to fully recognise his behaviour and to get out
I feel so much better for him not being here, but also heartbroken to have lost the man I thought he was. -
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Yes Escapee, very cathartic – it’s kind of frightened me if I’m honest, seeing it all written down.
A couple of things I wanted to add that I’ve just thought of:
He has mocked, belittled and criticised things that gave me comfort – basically telling me I have to stop doing them or “taken them away” from me for want of a better phrase. He made me feel ashamed or embarrassed to do them – if I did, I panicked that he may come into the house and find me doing them so I lived in fear. None of these things I will do now for that reason.
He slags off our (my) pets, says they’re pointless, ignores them, doesn’t feed them, clean up after them or play with them. I worry about leaving him in the house alone with them.
x x
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Its funny how things just keep popping into your head. One thing I wanted to add too was:
He is the king of double standards and plausible deniability – will wriggle his way out of any hole, and if all else fails he will play the suicide card. Nothing is ever his fault, and nobody has it as bad as him. Very large victim mentality.
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Sorry, I’m not sure I thought this through. I hope you are all ok? It is horrible when you see it written down, I missed out loads which weirdly you have all filled in the gaps of, mostly. Its depressing but its empowering too. This is not us, it just can’t be, it just can’t be coincidence that we are all being treated in the same way, we are all individuals, each and every one of us. This Is Abuse. 100%. Through and Through.
Sending strength, it won’t be forever, it can’t be. x-
This is my first post on here. I can take pieces from all these posts. He doesn’t do all of them but that doesn’t make him not an abuser. I get told who I can and cant talk to. I’m banned from going to our local pub. I think he hates me having friends. He never has a good word to say for any of them. Even my family. I’m going to try and read the book you mention. Thanks for this
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Hi and welcome to the forum. Its becoming a really long post this, but its interesting to notice some of the similarities, there are differences too, and that is because we’re all individuals, so it really is a bit of this and a bit of that. The main theme though is Power and Control, taking it and using it. Its what it is all about. The Lundy book is very good at explaining it. Post more when you feel ready, its a very supportive forum, I’ve never seen anything judgemental here, its moderated really well by “Lisa” (I think there are probably lots of Lisas) they work very hard at keeping the posts confidential so words that could give away your identity are often removed, don’t be surprised, you wont have done anything wrong, it takes a while to get used to writing a post without identifying yourself.
Sending strength and hope you are ok. x
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ILT…..this thread is really helpful.
Not only is it highlighting very real experience of abuse, it’s highlighting how many ways they abuse and how there is a strong pattern to it. Whilst they differ slightly there are traits that are all to familiar.It has also helped those of us that have been unable to talk about the abuse; in helping others know what an abuser is like we have also helped ourselves ❤️
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I also want to say thank you to iliketea. Writing this out like this has helped me, and seeing other people’s too. The more I read the better and the less alone I feel, seeing those same threads run through everyones stories. I wanted specifically to share mine because mine was so in my head and not often physical, but seeing it all written out like this makes it all clearer. I’ve been in doubt for such a long time and this has really helped, thank you so much iliketea!! ❤xx
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Hi Balloons,
That’s great that this has helped you. I think that every thread on here contains bits of a jigsaw and bits of a map. From that information we can put our own jigsaw together to see the big picture of our life, and we can also make a map to get see how we are going to find our way out.
I hope your map is nearly finished?! 🙂
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I love love this thread!!! Well done ladies!! Look at you guys! I’m seeing some big girl panties on here with cowboy boots!
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I have read through all of these and theyve made me realise I am not alone, my abuser never hit me but he did everything else and I recognise bits of him in all of these posts. I am getting help with womens aid at the moment.its taken me (detail removed by moderator) but I can see it now. (detail removed by moderator) for me to realise he always shuts the windows before “talking “to me and that’s wierd , and the money one also took me ages, then it hit, he refuses to spend money on the house leaving it to me
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I will keep reading these … -
Another thing I’ve just thought!
He uses his alcoholism as an excuse for many different things and at the same time often seems “proud” of being an alcoholic. For example, if he says something nice, he only said it because he was drunk; if he was horrible, it was because he was drunk. This leads to me constantly questioning (in my head) what is real. He has never paid any attention to any boundaries put in place (some legal) due to his alcoholism and therefore has no incentive to give up as he just carries on regardless. People aware of this have given up trying to enforce them due to his self-righteous, twisted and abusive way of talking back to them, me included.
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This is my first ever post. Here goes …..
Behaviour –
He comes across as Mr Nice Guy to others and I’m sick of being told how lovely he is by other people. But he’s very good at showing his generosity and kinder traits in public.He has a problem with drink which has been a major bone of contention for years as he has a low tolerance for alcohol but can’t say no when he’s socialising. He drinks and drives frequently and has me in an anxiety state whenever he is out on his own socially as I’m pretty much expecting him not to make it home at some point. I can’t sleep in the same bed as him when he’s drunk as he seems unable to know if/when he’s going to be sick. I have escaped being vomited over in bed a few times and had to clear up after him god knows how many times. If I try to talk about the drinking being an issue he gets mad.
He does very little about the house or garden which are deteriorating around us at an embarrassing rate. It’s like he has no interest whatsoever in our home. I need help with cleaning etc because of health issues but either don’t get it or am promised it but then kept waiting for days for it to happen. If I remind him that he’s said he will do something, or ask if he’s done it then I’m nagging and made to feel c**p.
He talks to me as little as possible. Spends all day on his phone with headphones in or staring at the tv. There is nothing more lonely than spending 24 hrs a day within 4 ft of somebody but being almost totally ignored.
He’s mocked me for being disabled by my health issues and makes me feel inadequate. He’s shown very little care or
concern, at times, when I have been quite unwell but will give other people the impression he was “very worried” about me. He has called me stupid. He blows up for no reason and speaks to me in a way that has even shocked his own children. He can put me down in front of others.
He’s a pathological liar and is secretive. He’s used escort agencies, dodgy apps to do with sex/porn and has snuck off on a mini-break which he tried to pass of as a work trip. Since I found out about that my suspicions have been raised over several work nights out he’s been on that have involved staying overnight.He is always accusing me of –
Not listening or forgetting he’s told me something. Rows can erupt over things I’ve absolutely no knowledge of but he swears blind he has told me.
He loves to jump down my throat and argue that I’m wrong about stuff. Quite a lot of the time he doesn’t listen to what I’ve said properly and his argument will be making the exact same point I did. It’s like he
Emotions- Zero affection offered. Might fleetingly hug if I instigate it but hasn’t been spontaneously affectionate towards me in years. I am numb and almost can’t cry.Control – he doesn’t, to my knowledge, spy on me or restrict me from going out or any of those things but I’ve altered my behaviour because I just want a quiet life. I’ve learnt to bite my tongue quite a bit over things that are said and done because the atmosphere gets so horrible if I do try to have a say. The silent treatment can be soul destroying. I have left the house and stayed elsewhere for a couple of days before now because not being acknowledged just got too much.
On occasion When we’ve been away for a break I’ve been instructed not to wear anything whilst in the bedroom. I’ve also been expected to strip out of my normal clothes in the back of the car and change into “sexy” underwear whilst on the road.
There’s a technique he has of saying he’ll sort something out then stalling for so long over doing it, because he knows I’ll get frustrated and do it myself.Money – I’ve not had restrictions or limits put on my spending ever but he can be reckless with spending. At times when we’ve had very little he’s continued to socialise as normal with money we just don’t have.
Physical. No hitting of any sort but can stand over me or get in my personal space when he’s angry.
Sex – We have always had incompatible sex drives. Throughout the entire relationship I’ve often given in when I haven’t felt like it, just to keep the peace and avoid having him in a strop for days. Then, several years ago he told me one morning he had done something to me sexually while I was asleep. He didn’t appear to equate that with abuse, seemed genuinely stunned at my suggestion that it was exactly that, and at the time seemed quite remorseful.But since then I suspect it has happened many, many more times but I don’t know how I can prove anything. I’m still working on how to do that. On the rare occasion he tries to instigate anything (when I’m awake) there’s no kissing or affection involved, he’ll just start trying to grope me. I don’t want to have sex with him at all but every now and then I go ahead with it because I feel I might be safe in my sleep for a while if I do. I still share a bed with him which may seem ridiculous but there are many nights I don’t sleep at all because I can no longer be sure I’m safe.
Timeline. Looking back there have always been some issues. In the early days he was very loving, affectionate and caring towards me and for many years was very kind and loving to my parents for which I will always be grateful. There was, though, incompatibility, sexually, between us from the start of the relationship. I always felt this need to comply as t quickly became apparent that if I turned down his advances life could be pretty unpleasant for a few days after. Once we had children he started to work longer and longer hours leaving me with little support at home but at the same time he was a hands on dad when he was at home so to the outside world it looked like we were fine. I could see his selfishness coming through. His life and interests became a priority. I once had to stay in hospital overnight when ,medically, I could have gone home just because he wouldn’t miss a meeting that evening and I couldn’t be discharged unless someone could look after me for 24 hours.
The drinking issue surfaced quite early on and just kept progressing.
I don’t remember when the lack of interest in our home started but it’s been a while now. I used to excuse some of his behaviour because of things that have happened in the past and also there have been a few significant bereavements along the way.
I also accepted a lot of things as normal but now know that so much of the behaviour I have been subjected to is unacceptable and unreasonable.
Right now I’m trapped because we are in a dire financial situation so even though I’d love to be able to go off and live on my own I just can’t afford to.
I’ve read Lundy Bancroft’s book and found it very enlightening.
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I just can’t even begin to say well enough how happy this thread makes me because it’s working! Jogging loose stuff in people’s brains and I know that there are many many reading that say nothing. I know that. They are there and you’d be surprised at their numbers. I feel them…
We gotta get ahold of ourselves here because it’s time for Womanhood to Wake Up, it is! Far too long now in a patriarchal society that does nothing but enslave us and abuse us. I love a good man, don’t get me wrong here. If you’re a good man then I am smack in your lap and on your side about anything. Mess with that guy and I will Mow YOU! And there are good men out there. I hear of some police that are actually sooo kind and compassionate to women when responding and I’m like – can I just zap him over here and give him a hug?? They have thankless jobs alot of times. They do. So, we do have to acknowledge that there are extremely beautiful men out there but we have to raise our standards here. No more accepting 2nd best about anything really and especially not men who are close into us. Uh NO. You start the charm act and I’m backing up my chair like into the next country. Follow me and I will turn around and hunt you. Two can do that. I’m all down for Offense!
Party on with your bad selves here Girlfriends!! I’m feeling it! I know, I know…….little white coats around the corner for me…..been chasing me for years………
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Hi, I’ve been on here on and off for a number of years, whilst still in a relationship and also afterwards. I had spent a long time away from him and was doing well but during lock down I’ve fallen for him again and subsequently been discarded again. It has bought back all the horrible feelings I had previously and this thread has really helped. I’m not sure if I’ve done this properly but here’s mine.
Behaviour/emotions:
People see him as charming, friendly, loving, hard working, funny and easy-going, a great dad and “community” man, willing to help anyone. He’s also the life of the party.
He can be loving and giving one minute but not the next.
Regularly uses drink and drugs, would be open and promise the world when under the influence but the next day take it all back. He would twist things that have been said, genie that he’s said things or that he’s made plans, or would say that I misunderstood.
He made jokes about almost everything, especially serious subjects unless he’s under the influence.
He would make huge gestures whilst drunk or hight and then eventually back track saying he didn’t mean them which often left me feeling worthless or confused.
He Dismissed everything I wanted to talk about as negativity or mocked me for over thinking everything.
He is a liar.
He never seems to relax, always has to be on the go or busy.
He drinks and drives.
He would get angry but say only I ever make him that way.
He would cancel plans we’d made at last minute and say I had spoil it or pushed him to it.
He would walk out and end things if I said something he didn’t like.
He would compare me to other people ‘why can’t you be normal like so and so’.He is (was) always accusing me of:
Worrying over unnecessary things.
Being miserable.
Being angry.
Being anxious for no reason.
Being negative.
Complaining.
Making things up that he’s said.
Starting arguments.
Being too emotional.
Having no motivation.
Not being pro active enough.
Spending too much time with friends or out with the children instead of cleaning etc.
He would always say that he did everything around the house- nothing I did ever felt enough.There was a constant underlying threat that if I didn’t follow his rules or do what he says he would leave me.
He would make out that I was able to speak my mind but if I disagreed he actually would leave and say I wasn’t capable of having a normal conversation.
He would make ‘suggestions’ to help me which always felt more like criticism.
He didn’t like my friends and Would mock them.Money:
He spent all his/our money (when he we together) with no concern for making sure we had money for the children.
He would get angry when I disagreed with spending money.Physical:
thrown things (mugs, glasses, ironing board etc) usually in my direction but intended to miss.
Slammed doors (but so did I)
Smashed picture frames up
Smashed my phone up
Broken the cupboard door
Spat at me
Pushed me many time (also whilst pregnant)
Help me by the throat (many times)
Thrown my off my face
Hit me in the arm
Dragged me off the bed
Stares at me with a threatening expression.
I have occasionally retaliated.Sex:
Personally don’t think there was ever any sexual abuse as we both had a high sex drive. Occasionally there was times that he would withhold affection and would go weeks without not being intimate which seemed out of the norm for us, but I wouldn’t say that was unreasonable. There was times that I had sex with him when I didn’t really want to but he didn’t know I didn’t want to, and I did it because I wanted him to be happy and not leave- that’s pathetic on my part.Timeline:
I think there was red flags early on but I always believed it was my fault and me who needed to change.
My life has shrunk to 5% of what it was when I met him.
I have complex PTSD and have developed a trauma bond.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is basically at zero.
My finances are less.
My health has gone downhill, both mental and physical.
I have regular panic attacks.
I have some happy memories of our time together and still find it hard to believe he’s an abuser.-
@Starmoon, Im so sorry to hear whats happened during Lockdown, that must be really really hard. It’s a bit of a shock seeing how similar they all are isn’t it? Are you safe? Could you see your GP for the panic attacks and PTSD or are you already getting counselling. Sending you strength. Perhaps look at the online Freedom programme, that might help identify the hows and whys of it. x
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Thank you. I completed the freedom program during the time we were apart. I found it interesting but didn’t find any comfort in regards to seeing him as abusive. The program was so black and white and my ex never seemed to fit the bill. I’ve just recently contacted private counselling as I’ve exhausted all my nhs options. Mostly I am ok but getting back involved with him has very much set me back x
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Starmoon………I’m confused……..what you just wrote here is sooo spot on Abusive. You said it yourself, wrote it out. How can you not see what he does as abusive? He fits the bill and then some. Just want to know what’s hanging you up here? Something definitely is.
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Starmoon…..have you ever studied up on what (detail removed by moderator) behavior is? Everything you describe is – what they do. And we are left to hang onto those “wonderful moments of charm” when they do their thing and confuse us again. Of course they have to or we won’t stay in their trap, right? Then they expect us to keep chasing that rabbit, that illusion of who we want them to be, who they pretended to be, who we need them to be and it’s run harder, run faster, you go after that rabbit!! And off we go. So just want to see what actually keeps you doing this?
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Thank you for your response, I Question it be sue I know I wasn’t always easy to be with. I believed I did drag him down as a lot of what he used to say was true, I was negative and didn’t have a lot of motivation at times… I’m much better over those sorts of things now but I can see how my previous mindset would’ve been infuriating to him. I wasn’t perfect. I did do a lot of reading in the early days and it helped at the time. I think I’ll go back and have a look xx
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Hi all
So many of us have put up with awful stuff over the years
With my abuser it was money and the fact that he was always disrespecting me. I have always hated swearing and he was always swearing at me. He seemed to love to say no more bull***t if I said I was too tired
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Behaviour
Comes across quiet, shy, caring when I had my rose tinted glasses on, now I see a different side to him, a side where he’s always right, he thinks better than everyone else, He will belittle anyone else He sees as a threat (mainly other men)He has an excuse for everything. It was always ‘I lost my dad when I was..’ or ‘My Ex cheated on me’ this may seem heartless but I spent so many years feeling sorry for him and allowing his excuses to validate his moods – now I can see his true colours and as the excuses are no longer working the excuses have changed ‘I’m drepressed’ I have anxiety, I have OCD, or his favourite ‘I don’t remember that’ and he only ever uses these excuses when he has to try justify his behaviour. If he really had OCD/anxiety/depression they would all be constant issues, not just when he needs to excuse his behaviour.
Nothing I did was right
– the amount of cleaning was never enough
– The nights I washed the bedding were always the ‘wrong night’
– I’d buy something in for his tea but it wouldn’t be what he’d fancy
– I should have cooked his tea even though I was going to work that evening
– My driving was always bad, or i’d always pick the wrong route or wrong parking space
– Ironing wasn’t how he liked it
– Anything I’d buy for the house would be wrong and I’d be consistently reminded of what a bad choice it was
– Gifts I bought were always unused/un worn/thrown away
He’d ask my opinion and the ignore it/do the oppositeAs a dad, he will criticise anything they do rather than encouraging them. He zaps the fun out of everything.
He dislikes all my friends, my hobbies
Sometimes he’d compliment me, other times he’d criticise my clothing/the size of my thighs.
Make lunch for himself and no one elseHe is always accusing me of everything, everything is my fault!
If our child falls and hurts them self it was my fault.
He scraped his car- it was my fault (I wasn’t even there)
Bexit was my fault!Accusing me of cheating.
He made me delete friends husbands off social media.
Feel like I always have to rush back from work/shopping so he doesn’t think I’m with someone else.
I don’t go out (1-2 x a year) apparently I started cooking a certain meal because I was feeling guilty about having an imaginary affair. If I declined sex it’s because I was getting it elsewhere but if I instigated sex it was because I was feeling guilty about having sex with someone else
Accused of sending ‘love messsges’ to other peopleEmotions
He was Angry a lot more so at the end. He would come home from work and just start shouting at us as soon as he walked through the door.I remember him having a go at me for being upset when my dog died ‘it’s only a dog’
Control
He would randomly bring in new rules ‘I’m sleeping on your side of the bed tonight’ ‘you’re not allowed your phone at the side of your bed’ I’d try contest but got nowhere.
Always trying to get me to change my job (which I love)
We’d always have to leave parties/places when he said so.
Refuse to take pictures of me if I asked
Criticise posts on social media
He’d switch off the internet on a night so I couldn’t use it
Turn heating off through his phone if he was at work an I was at home
He’d hog the settee and not move his legs for me to sit down
He’d blank me, I’d have to ask the question several time’s before he’d answer.Money
This started off ok but as the years went on I was suddenly asked to find money for car repairs, stuff for the house out of my own pocket instead of the joint account. Started trying to get the children to drop activities so we could have more money but wasn’t willing to sacrifice any of his outgoings. Seemed to spend his money on trivial little things we didn’t needPhysical
He was only ever physical once (right at the end) but there were occasions he’d throw dinner at the wall/floor/bin. He’d throw some of my belongings (never his)
He’d hit steering wheel/dashboard whilst driving if he was upset about something
Punch/kick the bed on occasions if I declined sexSex
We had to have a regular sex. if I didn’t feel up to it he’d let me know how annoyed he was but shouting at me, accusing me of getting it elsewhere or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I’d pretend to be asleep to get out of it but that didn’t stop him.Timeline
When I look back, the red flags were there from the start, the disliking of my friends, the criticism of housework/ironing etc, the jealousy, they just gradually got worse as the years went on. I was too young and so in love to realise it wasn’t right. Don’t get me wrong, there were good times too, but at the end the bad outweighed the good.I think the moment I’d realised it wasn’t right I’d watched things on TV and thought ‘that’s me’ I can relate to that’ I began researching and reading books and realised it was abuse. Still struggling to believe it’s real and it’s happened to me.
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@Walkingonsunshine, so many similarities, the ever changing rules, its mad isn’t it? You’re out from the sounds of it, I hope you’re safe and healing from his abuse. Although with children together I guess you’re never really free, until they’re adults themselves. Sending a virtual hug as Im realising rehashing it, looking back, thinking about them in detail can be cathartic but it can also bring it all back. Thank you for posting, it will definitely help a woman somewhere. xx
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@iliketea I’m halfway there….not living together but not fully out. The next steps seem so final and hard to tackle, I’ve had so many moments of doubt these last few weeks, especially as he’s being super nice at the moment. It would be so much easier to stay but this post has reminded me why I left In the first place and why I shouldn’t go back, so thank you for keeping me on the right path, and showing other women how similar, yet different each relationship can be x
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Walkingonsunshine you’re list rings true with my oh too.Especially the accusing, sex and control section. I just don’t understand why? Yes we say they get a kick out of it but I don’t know about the rest of you but mines not particularly happy, doesn’t seem to make him feel any better. It’s like it’s a habit, something he can’t help ( I know d**n well I can) I just don’t see how they get off on it! If I have a row with anyone, I feel like s**t afterwards and would probably be the first to apologise just to smooth things over. Not with him though , he brings out the worst in me, I shake when he comes back in after going out, feel sick, wondering what b******t is coming next. Most of them say they just want to be loved but how can you love anyone who behaves like that.
Are you still together?-
Hi @scapegoat
Omg the ‘why’ I have spent sooo much time looking for answers to this. Does he know he’s doing it?? The thought that someone could act like that on purpose is just baffling. I tried to talk to him, He doesn’t see his behaviour as an issue, or conveniently ‘doesn’t remember’ or tries to gaslight me with more excuses. But I guess no one is going to own up to being an abuser.Mine was also never happy. He even admitted that in the end. That he got nothing out of the sex which absolutely crushed me, to know how I felt having to go through it and he didn’t even enjoy it either – it’s like you say, it was almost a habit, or I got the impression it made him feel ‘like a man’ I felt like I was a toy that no one else could play with and he got a kick out of that.
Mine defo brings out the worst in me. He’s so bitter, so hateful, I found myself getting sucked into his ways when I was around him just to appease him.
I remember feeling fine until 10 mins before I knew he’d be home from work, then my body just changed, I started to feel worried and anxious. What kind of mood would he be in, what would he say today? My body was telling me before I knew something was wrong.We’re not living together Anymore, I can already see a change in me (as can my parents) but there’s still a long way to go x
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From what I’ve seen, experienced, read about – it really all boils down to one thing in the end and that’s the question of do they have a conscience/empathy or not? Does the world just revolve around them? Does everything they do about getting what they want and of course throwing in some torture for the fun of it because it makes them happy to do so? Unfortunately, people with no conscience just don’t care about you. And yes, alot of them do hurt people for fun as well because it lights up the pleasure centers in their brain.
It’s kinda like studying an alligator for a length of time and pondering over and over about – why is that alligator not like me? I’m a bunny rabbit but I still don’t get it. I think I’ll get even closer to him to see if I can convince him not to be an alligator and be like a bunny rabbit instead! Chomp.
When we attach to someone at the hip, alot of times we assume the position of being like them and they are like us, etc. The being one thing comes into play. In all reality being one isn’t such a good idea. People should keep their personhood/autonomy and be a whole and not a half when coming together. So once attached and super glued in then if they do something weird and mean, we ask what did I do and how could they do that, I never would, etc. But at some point you do have to realize, no, they are so not like you…
But we just keep looking and looking into the alligator’s mouth and wondering why oh why he can’t be a bunny rabbit. He’s a whole different creature and examining him or trying to change him, or loving him out of it, or being a martyr for him definitely won’t do anything for – you at all. Just because we have chosen to love someone or be with them doesn’t mean we are responsible for who they turn out to be in reality.
I spent alot of time with my hand on the “why?” button, up inside the alligator’s mouth with a wrench, hammer and screwdriver, a flashlight, magnifying glass, some home remedies, potpourri, and some glitter dust. I about got my backside bitten clean off. Narrowly escaped with my life! So yes indeed, when we all compare notes and see the similarities, it’s just “who they are”. Has nothing to do with you at all. Not about what you do or don’t do, they’d grumble about anything and pick on whoever is available. You won’t fix them, won’t change them.
When we do that, it’s like a weight is lifted and you say – ohhh……..it’s not really about Me is it? No, it’s really not. If over time you see a pattern of selfishness, no accountability for anything, cruelty, never really being sorry because if they were – they’d change their ways and you wouldn’t have to drag them to counseling or threaten to leave for that to happen. They’d just know and do it on their own. When you see that it doesn’t bother them at all how much pain they cause you, they sleep just fine – then we kinda have to sit back and go, OMG, you’re an alligator. I can’t make you into a bunny rabbit, can I? And it’s not because of me that you’re like this either.
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That’s brilliant @ braelynn thank you!
@walkingonsunshine you’ve described my husband too-he’s not happy, he’s angry and bitter and resentful of everyone else and we (myself and our children-although currently he’s being brilliant dad just an arse to me) are where he releases those feelings.
My work hours are increasing and it’s such a relief to be away from him more because I too can’t be me around him.
I’m very slowly going to start getting my ducks in a row.
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@Braelynn love this, alligator indeed. And that’s it. Zero compassion or empathy. I see it when really bad things happen in the world and he has no reaction. Nothing. I can’t believe a person can have no compassion but I see it in him. Daily. It’s frightening.
@Kitkat44 same here. It’s weird seeing it in action isn’t it? It’s bullying. -
You know what ladies? We have the right to do things like……hm,m,m….I picked this product, bought it, took it home and it’s a piece of c**p! Returning it! Sure don’t need something that doesn’t work! Might not get my money or energy back here but so what? That’s yesterday, today’s today and not settling! But in situations like this we….tinker with it, feel too bad about taking it back, we chose it, we’re stuck with it. Just have to live with my decision, all the hype in advertisement and all that, glowing reports from people who were plants to get me to buy, etc. I fell for it soooo, it’s all my fault and I am powerless to do anything about it…. sigh. Uh, no, you’re not powerless…. If it doesn’t work, fix it because you’ll never fix them. You deserve a life that works well. But that will never happen if we keep accepting second best or lower than that, right? What’s the point in tinkering around with something that’s a poor design in the first place? And yes, we have a right to call it exactly what it is.
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I meant if your life doesn’t work, fix “that” but forget trying to change or fix them. Time to change our standards in a situation like this, right?
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I’d worked for his company for (detail removed by moderator) when, on a business trip, he launched himself at me (detail removed by moderator) and I didn’t know what to do. Because of my family situation I was vulnerable, and he was in a position of power and authority and was (detail removed by moderator) years older than me, so even though he repulsed me I gave in. Oh, and he was married, and a serial cheater, too. I tried to end it many times over the years, but he was pushed himself on me and even went out and bought sex toys after I ended it, yet was never there when I needed him. He cheated on me multiple times yet never admitted it. Over time he isolated me from my friends and family, and removed me from my home/city where I lived again and again to further distance me from people who cared. He made me front his business, while he did dodgy dealings I was unaware of behind the scenes. He took out loans in my name, without my knowledge or consent, then pressurized me to sign them, even when I was in hospital after a long Labour and emergency c-section with our (detail removed by moderator) child. Although we’d been trying for him for (detail removed by moderator) years, he questioned the paternity, secretly hoped I’d miscarry, and worked me so hard I almost collapsed from exhaustion. He was hours late picking me up from hospital and left me alone at home, taking my pain medication with him, and expected me to start work the next day, which I duly did. The (detail removed by moderator) I made dinner for him (detail removed by moderator) when he finally returned, and within (detail removed by moderator) of my baby’s birth he pressured me to be back at work full time. I tried to meet up with antenatal class friends but he wouldn’t speak to me when I returned, and after a group I went to (detail removed by moderator) after my child’s birth he wouldn’t come come and meet me, so I had to walk up the street with my baby in their car seat, despit my c-section scan, because he had to take an ‘important phone call’. He also called his ex wife every single night of our relationship (he finally left her after our (detail removed by moderator). He groomed me and was predatory, and would ply me with alcohol until I passed out, then he’d (detail removed by moderator) in restaurants, have sex with me (detail removed by moderator) in public places, or I’d wake to find him having sex with me. He pressured me to move abroad with him, and shortly afterwards we were investigated by the police for his bad business dealings. I was completely isolated, as were my children, and days and days would pass before we saw anyone. I finally realised what was happening and fled with the children and had to go bankrupt because he left our home (which, conveniently, had a huge mortgage in my name only). My children were timid, lacking confidence and unused to socialising. We left (detail removed by moderator), and even (detail removed by moderator) he sent flowers on my (detail removed by moderator) birthday. He is a monster. People he upset in business have publicized my name and address online (from my bankruptcy posting) and are inciting people he has let down to come to my house. Thank you for letting me get this out, and I’m sorry I haven’t stuck to the format you suggested!
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But you are out now Newstar@t!! Good for you!!! Wow, that’s quite a story. I am so so sorry…. The damage they do is just unbelievably horrific. On and on it goes and just gets worse every day. We have to muster up the courage to make a run for it because the longer we wait, the weaker we get. I hope you are doing better now and I hope you stomped on those flowers! Grrr! Alot of women don’t get out. They wait too long. You managed it and your kids have a chance now to heal alongside you. What a monster indeed! Turns my stomach inside out. Just want you to be okay now. Love yourself, your kids and build that strong foundation now, firm boundaries and never ever again allow anyone to treat you this way, okay? The past is the past and all we have is this present moment. Plan for your future and absolutely know what you will and will not allow because otherwise someone else will tell you what that is and exploit you.
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Thank you Braelynn. There’s still a huge part of me that thinks it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and that I’m exaggerating, although I’m getting better at this as time goes on. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD and I can’t see me ever having an intimate relationship again, I’m constantly triggered by any slight thing that reminds me of him, and it turns my stomach. I can’t tell you how brilliantly my children are doing, they generally don’t miss him and are thriving like you wouldn’t believe. We fled and spent (detail removed by moderator) living with my alcoholic parent, which was tough in many ways, but we’re on our own now, and I feel incredibly lucky literally every day, I’m so thankful to be safe and have my children. I’m terrified he’ll apply to the courts for access but right now he isn’t, he’s still overseas and my local da charity thinks he is unlikely to. Thank you so much for listening, I can’t tell you how good it’s felt to get this all out! Xx
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Behaviour
He has accused my friends of coming on to him.
He hates my family.
He always made it hard to see friends so now I have none.
He now tries to encourage me to be friends with people he classes as safe, unlikely to lead me astray
He comes across as an amazing husband and dad. But it’s always on his terms.
He throws things.
He suffers with road rage.
He thinks he is better at everything even at experts on the tv.
He buys me expensive gifts but I always have to be told exactly how much it cost and if he buys me something like the roses the other week he sulks if I am not suitably grateful.
He is a master at the silent treatment and withdrawal of affection.He doesn’t do anything for nothing. He claims he does but there is always a price to pay.
He has always spent his money on what he wants, he always paid the bills but for a long time the kids and I dressed in hand me downs from friends and neighbours.
He encourages me to improve myself at college or at work but then sulks or tantrums when I am not home when he wants me to be.Sex is something that needs to happen so he feels loved.
He used to say you only go looking for it when you aren’t getting it at home.
He has woken me up for sex or kept me awake till I give in.
Photos and films have been taken but he is seriously annoyed because (detail removed by Moderator) I burned the photos. They weren’t my pictures, they were his.
He likes to have sex outside even though I clearly don’t and then had the gall to tell me it was my idea years ago as He had never done it before.He is extremely jealous and possessive.
He got annoyed I turned the tracker off on my phone.
He opens my post.
He thinks I have changed the settings on our mobile contract as my call list is no longer itemised.
He needs to know who is texting me and thinks I change my tone for my male boss.
He is supportive when a crisis happens but he usually uses it against me later.
There are more I could write but I needed to prove to myself that he is actually as bad as I think. After reading some of your lists I was beginning to think I needed to get a grip and go easier on him as I was trying to convince myself that life with him isn’t so bad. -
@Catjam Nope This Is Abuse. Have you read the book called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men” Lundy Bancroft. He lists types, I read some of it last night again and realised that he’s also a couple of other types, not just the Water Torturer I had identified before. He’s Mr Right. He’s Mr Sensitive too. According to Bancroft there are 10 types of Abuser…If you google Types of Abuser by Lundy Bancroft you’ll get the list in short version, I am sure you will find your husband somewhere in there.
Point being, they are all different and I think that is the really important thing about this post and what is coming out. There are some similarities, there are some differences, just like people really, we are all individuals, but the central theme in the every story is Power and Control.
Don’t get a grip, if you can get out instead. I know its not easy, I’m there too, but so many powerful stories here from women who have. Another truth seems to be that it does get worse. I can definitely say it is getting worse where I am. If you are planning on leaving, number one is don’t let him know. It is the most dangerous time for a woman, as the perpetrator loses control he panics and does everything he can to hold on tight…this is when serious fatal assaults happen.
Perhaps you could contact your GP, and ask for a referral to domestic abuse service, or call the helpline. Sending strength, thanks for finding the time and strength to add yours to this. I hope you are ok, its not pretty when you start to realise the reality. Be kind to yourself. Its not you, its him. Its so important to other women going through this. You will be ok. xx -
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Iliketea, I have read this book and I am currently rereading it. I have been totally brainwashed and sucked in by him since I was a teen. Our kids are all grown up now so a long time.
For the most part I was happy, I didn’t know life was any different regardless of what friends and family said. The good times were amazing, far outstripping the bad. But the day he told me how bad I had made him feel when I asked him to sit behind me at the funeral of my (detail removed by Moderator). I needed to look after my dad and my sister but one of our kids had asked to come and it was their first funeral so I asked him to stay with them which meant of course he was behind me not at my side.
He never said anything at the time, he blind sided me with it (detail removed by Moderator) months later. Apparently I put my family before him and so on. But that was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I am still here -
I tick many, many of the traits listed above for my abuser too, but I’d like to know if anyone has anything like this…
When we are in the car together, going somewhere new, or perhaps in a hire car on holiday, he makes me navigate. This will include doing all the research, getting exact instructions in advance etc. And then he refuses to engage. He says “I’m doing the driving, just tell me where I’ve got to go”. So he won’t acknowledge signs, for example on the motorway, or tell me the name of a street that we’re passing. If we can’t do what the satnav or map is telling us to do, he gets really cross with me and expects me to sort it out straight away. He’ll even get in a hire car and say “right, where’s the exit”, expecting me to look for the sign and tell him. And when we get there, he’ll tell me he’s exhausted, he’s done all the driving.
In fact, he quite often insists on doing all the driving, even if we’re doing a long (familiar) drive in the UK. And then expects special treatment for days because he did all the driving.If we share the driving (and I’m quite a good driver) I get constant instruction. “It’s a 30” (I’m going at 30), (removed by moderator)
But it’s the navigating thing that gets me most “just tell me where I’m supposed to be going!”
Anyone else? X
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My word it’s rather scary how alike these guys are. If I drive anywhere he points out potential hazards even if I have seen them and I am reacting. When he is driving I get lectures on taking corners better or reading the road.
It reached a point where I refused to drive especially anywhere new as I got so anxious.
If I am driving and he gets annoyed with another car, then he will bip my horn and start shouting and swearing.
Lost count of how many times I have shouted for him to stop chasing a car that has cut him up because he is scaring our kids in the back. -
What wee little brats in men’s bodies, running around with a soggy load in their diapers, eh? Is there an island we can ship them off to during lockdown and then just forget to go back and get them? What? a week? You’d given them before they off’d each other? dream a little dream…..:)
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Thanks for starting this. I have to contribute because of the pattern. It is very sad isn’t it? All these beautiful women putting up with this, day after day.
Okay here goes….
What is my abuser like?
People think he is caring, friendly and sincere and he can be
He is not all bad all of the time
He can be very kind and thoughtful, funny and charming
He is tall, good looking and physically impressive and he knows it
He takes alot of care with his appearance and clothes and expects me to do the same when we are in public but in private he slobs about and doesn’t notice me anyway.
People seek him out and are attracted to him. He will be sociable all night often talking to everyone but me, making me feel left out, but as soon as we get home, he drops the acts and picks on me. He will sometimes go straight out again whatever time of night, ditching me, saying I was embarrassing or flirting as an excuse.
He has a go at me on the way somewhere then completely switches when we arrive, putting his arm around me and telling me to smile and stop being moody
He is different in front of people than he is at home
If he doesn’t like my friends he goes into another room and is antisocial. They can sense the atmosphere
I don’t feel relaxed. I am tense and watchful.
If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash although a couple of times he let slip and friends saw true colours.
He will be nice to my sons but cold and indifferent to me.
He never makes the effort to do something others want to do. He will just refuse.
He doesn’t like me or the kids making demands on him. Ever. But he will drop everything for an acquaintance or friend.
He will ignore his sons when they come round and watch TV in the bedroom all day, leaving me to do everything
He gets annoyed if I do housework because he says it disturbs him, and annoyed when I don’t and the house gets messy
He gets very angry if I move objects, or touch ‘his’ things, even to clean
He won’t let me iron his shirts because I don’t do it right
He is always right and he doesn’t like me having opinions on anything privately. However in front of others he listens to me, talks up my achievements and acts like he respects me.
He is entitled and will give others he thinks inferior a really hard time
He future fakes all the time, talking about all the wonderful things we will do that never happen. I love when he talks like this. He talks of marriage, buying the perfect country house, starting a business, foreign holidays and new cars – blah blah blah.
He needs constant praise and I have to thank him profusely for every little thing he does to avoid the sulks
He harbours grudges against others, sometimes for years and will plot and scheme to get what he wants.
He flirts with other women but denies he does this. He says I am insecure and threatened and that he would never cheat on me because I give him sex so he doesn’t need to.
He will say I am raising my voice and he can no longer talk to me if I am going to be abusive if disagree with him on anything
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard, he says I said or did things I didn’t and on different days/times
He gaslights and manipulates. He tells me I am menopausal or losing my memory when I am confused.
He lies without remorse and seemingly believes his own lies. He blackens my reputation with our peers to save his own
My friends describe him as ‘Alpha Male’ because he is very macho and a man’s man.
He is clever and a strategic operator, he never rushes
He says he didn’t say something or I didn’t tell him something and calls me a liar.
He doesn’t look at me when I’m talking, he doesn’t give me eye contact. He has no patience with me or what I say, hurrying me to finish or saying he doesn’t want to talk about it now.
He will physically leave the room when I am in mid-sentence or change the subject.
I have to book a time to talk about anything important and he will dictate that time
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough but instead of discussing it, he sulks or gives me silent treatment.
He used to get very angry. He used to shout. He still swears at me but is careful over being overtly abusive because my sons are usually around and he knows what he can, and can’t, get away with
After an argument and I have gone to bed, he will put the light on and wake me up to continue the row.
He thinks he is cleverer than everyone else. He KNOWS this and he puts other people down and criticises them constantly but never to their face.
He says I think I am cleverer than him and he criticises my tendency to over think everything as dull
He minimises my feelings as unimportant and illogical
He criticises me in private but backs me in public
He used to call me names.
He sulks but then says it’s me and I should look at my behaviour.
He tells me there is something wrong with me.
He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship.
He tells me that I don’t think like a normal person and then tells me what I should be thinking.
He says that I am not making any sense and then tells me what he thinks, which is what I have just said.
He will make jokes at my expense and if I say anything about this then I am too sensitive or I have no sense of humour.
He uses sarcasm and ‘fake’ affection
He doesn’t drive and uses me as a chauffeur. I have all the pressure of driving and he has no appreciation of how exhausting it is. Sometimes he says he will pass a test but he never has.
He buys me gifts sometimes and sometimes takes me out and we have a wonderful time together. I am always very grateful. It makes me happy but it is rare.
He is secretive and tells me what he does and where he goes is none of my business. He gets angry if I ask him pretty much anything.
He has (detail removed by Moderator) phones and I have no idea how much, or little, money he has or what his assets are.
He uses my love for my sons to hurt me, and plays us off on each other
He thinks all women of a certain age are menopausal.
He threatens to call the authorities to tell them I am abusing him
He sends abusive, cold or hostile messagesHe is always accusing me of
Being a bad person
Being a horrible/terrible person
Being violent
Being abusive
Being out of control
Being selfish
Swearing and shouting
Putting my sons first
Not looking after him properly, neglecting him or his needs
Being interested in other men
Doing the wrong thing, whatever I do
Being stupid/crazy/mad
Being clumsy
Being menopausal
Being depressed or mentally ill
Being over emotional
Being a drama queen or spoilt brat
Being in a bad mood all the time
Moving his thingsEmotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m doing it to get attention
If I am angry or upset he tells me I am abusive and violent
There is cold comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work. Sometimes these events have triggered the worst abuse I have had. He seems to get very angry at me at these times. Why?
He won’t talk about feelings but can be very sentimental.
He shuts me out and refuses to talk about his feelings and then accuses me of not caring or being thoughtless
He expresses his emotions as rage or silence
He doesn’t lose control, unless through anger
These days he is covertly aggressive and clever enough to know what he can get away with and what he can’t.
He seems incapable of showing genuine love and affection but was very loving and affection at the start of our relationshipControl
He accuses me of flirting or being over friendly with other men
He tells me if my clothes are too revealing and tries to control what I wear
He says all other men are perverts and are looking at me
I don’t feel I can speak freely on the phone to my friends in front of him, he always listens and comments
Its not always subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
he manipulates every conversation and causes chaos if he senses he is getting nowhere
He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’. He says he wants to understand, he gets me to repeat and if I can’t remember details he says I am lying
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me or threaten to tell others
He doesn’t like some of my friends, he is rude about them.
He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
He hides my car keys/wallet/phone/bag to stop me going out.
If I don’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets annoyed but he doesn’t answer any of his.
He will then ignore all my calls or messages to him for numerous days.
He will ignore me for days/weeks/months if he perceives that I have slighted him in any way.Money
He’s reckless with MY money, it has no value.
He tells me how what I earn is more than him so i should pay
He refers to ‘his money’
He encourages me to spend – to spoil myself
He tells me what to buy for him
He doesn’t pay for food, bills or anything else
He will tell me how spoiled I am.
He is tight and doesn’t spend if I am there to do it
He has contributed to debt and left me to pick up the pieces
he never forgets a debt, however small but doesn’t pay back what he owes without calling me tight for askingPhysical
He threatened to punch me in the face
He pushes and shoves, he tripped me up
He shouts into my face.
He says I have been violent to him
He stops me from leaving a room by blocking the doorSex
He likes sex but stopped bothering to initiate it with kisses, touching or intimacy, he just rolls me over and gets straight to it. I have tried to talk to him about it but he pushes me away.
He used to encourage subversive sex
He likes pain
He wakes me up to have sex or starts sex with me when I am asleep
We used to have sex everyday but now it is less frequent and makes me feel used and sad.
He talks about my body as if it is purely there for his sexual gratification
He never touches me or is intimate or flirtatious with me outside of the bedroom
I don’t know if he watches porn.Timeline
It was love at first sight for me and very intense from the beginning. I was and still am pretty obsessed with him
He seemed to know me well from the beginning, he told me he loved me after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and the love bombing was intense.
He was still living with someone else at the start
There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant and had no idea about abuse
He bullied me from early on but I was hooked so didn’t notice it
I threw him out before but took him back when he promised he had changed
He told me he had cancer when I asked him to leave
he asked me to marry him when I asked him to leave
At the end he stopped eating, lost weight and neglected his own self-care then blamed me for abuse and said I was threatening him.
He threatened me with the authorities, lied and intimidated me.Now?
I am totally different to what I was when I met him. I was younger for a start, vivacious, creative, lively, attractive and popular. I had lots of friends of both sexes and enjoyed hobbies and interests. Slowly all that went. My world is smaller. My friends are fewer. My hobbies have gone. My creativity squashed, my confidence and my health have been destroyed and my body is older and I feel used up.
I am emotionally exhausted. I cry and feel wretched and abandoned and have CPTSD.
My finances are screwed and my security shot to pieces and I have our belongings to unpick. His things are still in my home and there is much to do.
My memories of our time together are confused because of the trauma.
My sons are devastated and my wider family don’t know about the abuse – its just too complicated and shameful
I am still bonded to him and still addicted but I am breaking free.
No Contact the only way for meDitto. Ditto. Ditto.
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This is a powerful post. All these accounts ring so true. The use of the car to be abusive… blaming, screaming at me if he took a wrong turn. I even saw him hit his elderly mother once when he asked her to do directions. The lack of empathy, the lack of interest in others. Never asked anyone how they where. Why are they so alike? I think its because society and newspapers and the media and the internet and poor parenting by their mothers tell them that they can behave like this, that it’s how you can treat women.
And the politics allow it. We have a PM who presents himself as highly sexual and therefore predatory imo with no apology for his behaviour and his responsibility to his former wives and children. He uses expressions like ‘spaff it up the wall’ when discussing funding for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. He presides over a boys club where the token females have to behave as tough as the men, and the vulnerable people of society-immigrants, minorities, women, the poor- are scapegoats for c**p policies.They knew when the curfew was introduced that many many women were basically being imprisoned with abusers and murderers and their situations would worsen and they ignored it, thereby giving consent to the abuse. Many women have died from murder during this period, but that doesn’t seem to count.The message is a shrug and a token ‘oops’. The is why abusers know they can behave like this.I have been free now for (detail removed by Moderator) months and everyday is a good day, an amazing day, because I can choose what I want to dd and I do it. Its just basically living, I am alone and don’t socialise, but I live in fear it will be taken away from me. I knew he controlled me but it was huge and daily, my every moment was subject to his negative scrutiny. I hate him so much. Hate hate hate. I know people say it’s bad to be full of this, but I need to be after years of suppressing my feelings to a point where I lost all my emotions.I lost all ability to discern, all my sense of self.
I have to go back soon to get the rest of my belongings and I really really don’t want to, I am so scared. I really, really don’t want to. I feel sick.-
Hi @Cecile I remember your posts when I first joined and your freedom has been a beacon for me. I feel better you say hate too as that’s all I feel for him, I’ve been wondering if that makes it non-abusive but I don’t think it can. It’s a survival mechanism, in the same way as love is too. We’re all individuals after all. The similarity in their behaviour is disconcerting. Very.
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Hello,
I am new to this forum. Thank you very much for sharing this.What is my abuser like?
He is extremely jealous, he got in fights a couple of times. We were talking in a group and a guy told him that he is so lucky to have a wife like me that likes (detail removed by Moderator). Next, he attacked him. Bouncers came and took him out of the place.
He pretends with others that he is so emphatic with other cultures; that he travels to my home country a lot, he loves it and he loves the food, the places, and people. But when we are at home, he says that (detail removed by Moderator) are lazy, corrupted, that is dangerous there; that there are many criminals; he has even insulted my family and me.
He pretends to be caring, thoughtful, and sincere. He always says to everyone that he loves me and knows the best for me.
People used to think he is very possessive but that he loves me and maybe he is just not controlling it well but he is a nice guy.
He asked me to lie for him; if he pushed me or did something bad; he asked me to go for dinner with his family and not say anything. That will make them really sad, and it would be my fault.
He is not all bad all of the time, we had many good moments and he was sometimes apologetic when he was mean.
He can be very kind and thoughtful, funny and charming. Those times make me forget what he has done or maybe to believe that he could change.
He is good looking e and he knows it, but he always makes sure that I boost his ego and I don’; would accuse me that I find another man attractive.
He is not sociable and neither talkative, he has not many friends.
He is a hard-working person but he often compares his achievements with others.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If he doesn’t like my friends he goes into another room and is antisocial. Some friends had to stop visiting us and asked me not to invite him out because he ruins the time. They can sense the atmosphere
I don’t feel relaxed. I am tense and watchful.
If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash although a couple of times he let slip and friends saw true colours.
He pretends to be apologetic, he always says he is the worse and then a minute after he blames for it. That I made him like this.
He is entitled and will give others he thinks inferior a really hard time, but attacks others when they say something about him.
He future fakes all the time, talking about all the wonderful things we will do that never happen. I love it when he talked like this it makes me feel he loved and appreciate that we can actually build a future together. He talked about having kids, buying the perfect house, traveling to my country, and buying a beach house there as well. But again he gets frustrated and blames me, that if we can’t do it is my fault.
He needs constant praise and I have to thank him profusely for every little thing he does to avoid the sulks.
He harbours grudges against others, sometimes for years, and will plot and scheme to get what he wants.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard, he says I said or did things I didn’t and on different days/times.
He gaslights and manipulates. He tells me I am crazy that I exaggerate things.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough but instead of discussing it, he sulks or gives me the silent treatment.
He says I think I am cleverer than him and he criticizes my tendency to overthink everything as dull
He minimizes my feelings as unimportant and illogical
He criticizes me in private but backs me in public
He used to call me names, stating that I am fat or foreign or sth.
He sulks but then says it’s me and I should look at my behavior.
He tells me there is something wrong with me, that I am damaged because my parents separated.
He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship; that my whole family is a bunch of weirdos.
He told me that I have abused him and took advantage of his love.
He sends abusive messages.He is always accusing me of
Cheating on him
Making him a monster.
All the did, it was because he didn’t feel loved and he loved me a lot.
Being unloyal, he actually wrote my mom saying this.
Being damaged, because I had a hard childhood.
Being damaged, because my father cheated on my mom.
Not appreciating his love and how he took care of me and my mom.
Being irresponsible
Being violent
Being abusive
Being out of control
Being selfish
Putting my friends and family first.
Not looking after him properly, neglecting him or his needs
Doing the wrong thing, whatever I do
Being stupid/crazy/mad
Being slutty
Being clumsy
Being depressed or mentally ill
Being a spoiled little girl.Emotions
He manipulated me a lot, he told me that he is alone he doesn’t have many friends and that I should focus more on him.
He used to tell me that nobody would want to marry me and that I should be lucky he wants me. That I should not look at anybody else.
When I cry and complained about his behavior, he tells me he is having a hard time and that I caused it.
He cried, he felt bad of what he has become and is very sensitive about it but he blames me again.
He always attacked me with messages but after begged me to never leave him.Control
He controlled what I wear; he liked me to wear attractive and revealing clothes but only when he was around. I could never go out like that alone.
He says all other men are perverts and are looking at me; that they want to steal me.
I don’t feel I can speak freely on the phone to my friends in front of him, he always listens and comments. Sometimes I spoke in (detail removed by Moderator) with my friends, and he pretended that he understood and asked me if I was speaking with them about him; what did I SAY?
He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’. He says he wants to understand, he gets me to repeat and if I can’t remember details he says I am lying
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me or threaten to tell others
He doesn’t like many of my friends and asked me to stop contacting them.
He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
He hides my bags, so I cannot leave; after when I left. He refused many times to give me my clothes back.
If I didn’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets annoyed and accused me of being with someone else. He even asked me to send him a picture of the place I was.Money
He always made me feel that I was a princess and that he spent a lot of money on me. I have always contributed to the house. Our parents understood we were a young marriage; so they also supported us. But he blamed me and told me that I embarrassed him in front of our parents because it is my fault that we need support from them.
He bought me presents and nice things on special dates, but later he rubbed it in my face and accused me of being superficial. I told him that I don’t need presents I just want us to be good; and then he said that I don’t appreciate him.
He brought us to debt; I paid half of it but he still accuses me of breaking his finances, that he is broken now. I don’t understand because I paid it for him.
He compared himself to others and told me that I am useless that I do not make as much as he does.
When I had an interview, where the salary was more than what he was earning. He told me, I was not going to get it.Physical
He pushes and shoves, he tripped me up.
He grabbed my arm and pushed me several times to the sofa.
He was aggressive during (detail removed by Moderator), he pushed me and grabbed my arm in front of my friends. A friend had to step in front of it, so he could calm down. It was really embarrassing for me.
One time he did a mannerism that he will put a pillow on my face.
He punched guys because he accused them of flirting with me.
He shouts into my face.
He says I have been violent to him
He stops me from leaving a room by blocking the doorSex
He was always too pushy and always questioned me why I didn’t want to have sex.
The worst thing he did is to almost force me to have sex with him, while he was on top of me, he opened my legs several times after I closed them, he opened them strongly hurting me and said ” (detail removed by Moderator)” and kept them open, I wanted to close them back and he was forcing them to be open. I was afraid that he was going to rape me or something, so I kicked him and run.
One time, I got drunk and start crying and told him in front of this friends that he should (detail removed by Moderator), that I did not want to go back with him; next day I felt bad I did all this scene, so I asked him if we could do something to make it better, he told me he wanted to do something specific, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and that it hurt me, and he said..”(detail removed by Moderator)” So I continued.
We were (detail removed by Moderator), and we had to sleep (detail removed by Moderator) he asked me to masturbate him even though my parents were next door; I said that it was not appropriate and that I didn’t like it. He told me that it is clear that I enjoy sex more with other people; I didn’t want him to think that; so I did what he asked.
After those 3 incidents, I felt that things were just getting worse. I felt obligated to have sex.Timeline
When I met him, I didn’t want a serious relationship. I was only (detail removed by Moderator), but then we were so in love and all went great. He was always possessive and jealous but I thought that he was too passionate, I did not see the red flags. After some time, things just got worse, he accused me of everything, even when I had eye contact with people, or if someone touches my shoulder when walking in a crowded place. I was blindly in love and I didn’t see more. I was not very open to my friends and I cut contact with many of them. Later when we got married, he made me feel less and he started to be more abusive. He told me that nobody would want to be with me as I am damaged. After the sexual incidents, I left him. I was destroyed because I still loved him but I was more scared. I went (detail removed by Moderator) and found a good job. He texted me for (detail removed by Moderator) years after I left. Accusing me of leaving him; embarrassing him in front of his family. He sent me naked pictures, asking me to come back but he was also telling me he had sex with some girls, but there were the second choices. He abused me mentally even after I left. He introduced someone to the family, but still blamed me for that even! That because I left he was forced to find someone. He never saw what he did and why I left. He kept abusing me after verbally, so I reported him to the police for the incidents I mentioned before.Now?
I have filled out the divorce papers because I am disappointed and I confirmed that he never had any respect for women, and he was an abuser. I still feel very insecure sometimes, sometimes I doubt about the abuse he has done to me. I feel it is all a bad dream. I feel shy and scared to talk to my friends about it. My wider family doesn’t know about my divorce or that he was an abuser. However, he did tell all his family that I was a s**t and that I abandoned him to travel the world. I am talking to a therapist and doing some reiki sessions. I feel I am getting slowly my confidence back but I still have nightmares. I feel I do 5 steps forward but then I remember everything and I take 4 backward. I feel that I will never get out of this. I also started a new relationship; and I want to end it because I feel broken. The guy is very supportive but I feel that I can’t do any good to someone right now. My memories are broken and I feel that even though I am just (detail removed by Moderator), my life is so messed up. I feel in some way, I am still bonded to him. I hope this feeling goes away and once the police report is done. -
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This is my abuser…
Cry from a WarriorComatosed
Awoken from my slumber
Pushing, Forcing, Pain.
Hyde is in my bedroom
Hyde is in my bed
Horror, Shock, Confusion?
Where is Jekyll? Jekyll? who? how? why?
Realisation- He’s Hyde…He’s always been Hyde.
Bury it.
Fast.
Bury it.
He’s so Perfect. I am Not worth it.
Can’t rob them of a Dad
Bury it. Quick.
On, On it goes.
He knows.
He knows, I know.
He knows I’m silenced though.
He knows he’s got me.
I am muted.
Grabs me, Pulls me, Demands me,
Berates me, Blames me, Guilts me.
Sulking, Silent, Ignores me.
Eat, Sleep (be raped?), Exist and Repeat.
But-She notices, She questions.
He charms her, puts her safely under his wing.
She’s moulded.
His second in command.
Trouble though- the other one is not compliant.
He berates him, blames him, hates on him.
Breaks him.
So. She (that’s me). WILL. Comply.
Why?
For respite from the cruelty…So he will try and we will find him to be kind, for a little while.
Grab me, pull me, demand me, expect me.
can’t. can’t, nothing left. empty.
no…No…NO…
Pull my arms out from his grip.
Slam, Slam.
Blame me, Berate me, Guilt me, Ignore me.
Shut down. Can’t Comply. Can’t.
Locates non compliant one, He is the target.
Berates him, Blames him, Hates on him.
Breaks him.
Screams
SCREAMING.
Awaken me!
no……. stop.
No… Stop
NO. STOP.
Red Line.
Now’s the time.
Going, going, GONEForever I wished for
But no
You follow and pursue
Carefully, Strategically
Constantly.Now, it is just like before…
Except for-
ME
Because
I SEE you
I KNOW you
I HEAR youI’m ONTO you.
So adept I am at all your moves.
I know your step before you’ve even taken it.Now I’m the puppeteer and your the puppet (Muppet) in my circus.
I know the game
I’ve learnt it well.
You’re going to live hell.Sorry, not sorry.
Break my babies and I’ll break you.
Slowly and without force because- those systems you love- I got their number too.
Trust me when I tell you.
You are going to HEAR me through them.
You are going to SEE me through them.
You will FEEL me through them.
…You may want to just run?…Go on, run coward, run.What’s that-found someone else?
Good Luck with that one Hyde- REMEMBER – you’re reported and logged.
Just you tread carefully now because I’m not muted anymore- I’m on LOUDSPEAKER for all to hear
Should a Sister ever need me, you can bet I’m going to be there.
I’m ONTO you remember. I can play the long game too.You are nothing to me.
I nothing you.
But never underestimate the dedication
For, you break my babies and I’ll break you.
I am their Lioness.
I am a warrior.Eternally- Soulsearcher
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@soulsearcher18, b****y hell, that is incredibly powerful. PLEASE put in a separate post all on its own. PLEASE? Thanks for posting, its so so true. Wow, I love it, this needs to be pinned. I love the power, the strength, the “I got you!”, “I#m back up fighting” Jekyll and Hyde indeed. So so true. xx
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Behaviour
Gambles regularly, uses drugs and alcohol recreationally, breaks the law regularly, bad mannered, rude, arrogant, lack of boundaries, a disinterested father, a very dim view on women and what our roles should be, very loud person, able to put the charm on very quickly when needed, will expoit others for financial or personal gain.Always tells me that
Im a rubbish cook, everything I touch goes wrong, I’m ugly, I don’t do the housework how it should be done, I don’t listen to him, I’m unwell,I make him drink alcohol, no one else would ever want me, he thinks he can do better than me.Emotional
A lack of feeling or empathy towards others, refusal to listen or hear your voice, will regularly say I’m hormonal and don’t know what I’m talking about, blames me for his behaviour, tells me how worthless I am regularly, refusal to do anything around the house even if you’re unwell, if he thinks you spoke out of turn he’ll withhold money as a punishment, verbally abusing regularly, threats to kill if you leave, threats to harm family members and the threat that the children will be given to him if I did leave.Control
Isolation from family , withholding money, work, humiliation, intimidation, threats of all kinds, m,refusal to acknowledge my life and make decisions for myself, regular angry outbursts if something hasn’t gone his way.Physical
Smashing windows and doors, kicking doors, spitting, throwing items, throwing food, damaging my items, pinching, pushing.Sex
None. My 2 Daughters sleep in my bed. Prior to that sex was purely just something to relieve himself and for his satisfaction.Time line
He started off to be the most charming, caring thoughtful man, until we moved in together whilst I was pregnant and then he pretty much revealed his true colours straight away. -
Are you still with him Turtledove? I hope not….this is dreadful abuse…
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I am in the process of leaving. I have found somewhere else for me and my children to live. Due to Corona it’s taking a little while than longer. I don’t plan on having any further contact. I’ll wait for the mediation letter to arrive but that’s all if will be as he will not go to court as he’ll be expected to provide drug and alcohol tests, he also has a very violent charge on his criminal record which wouldn’t sit well regarding children’s matters. If needs be I am willing to apply for a non molestation order, I just want to be free of this monster and live in peace with my daughters. I’ve suffered years of abuse but only within the last year have fully recognised what has been happening and why I’d been feeling how I do.
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@turtledove I’m so sorry, sounds very similar with the no sex thing too. I’ll bump some posts you might find helpful. Check in Latest Topics. This is a great forum. Lots of support and information. Xx
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Thank you iliketea. There are truly no words to describe how you’re left feeling after dealing with these so called men. I always thought myself that domestic violence /abuse was physically hityi h and injuring a partner. I actually think it would of been easier to deal with if that was the case because now I’m left with alot of internal scars, low self esteem and always doubting myself. I just know one thing for sure and that is my children deserve better and he will be no loss to them. And the sex thing was once again just all part of his control. Financial control has been the main issue and he is fully aware of that, that has given him full power but I’m back in control and ready to face this man once and for all.
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I am so very proud of you Turtledove! I like the spirit I am hearing in you. You will get “you” back, it takes time… It is interesting isn’t how we “still” think of abuse as only hitting someone? It’s as if society as a whole is still in denial. And it does come from each other, I’m thinking now how it all gets played down and denied by alot of people in conversation for example. Interesting subject and one I see so many women say. It’s a very old school way of thinking, of responding and not really wanting to know. It is a very male dominated kind of thinking.
I have to share this because was talking to someone about the real Salem witch thing in America. Most people don’t know the real reason behind it. I knew there was some stink in there somewhere and I saw a history detective show on TV years ago where the owner of a house there wanted to know it’s history so they started digging and the real reason came to surface.
But a couple of things came to light, one was the Puritans who were, let’s just say, I didn’t find much about them that made me admire them and leave it at that, but they started all this. Mind you they hated the Quakers and vice versa. Also there was a thing about land and how important it was to everyone. Bear that one in mind. There were way more single men there than single women so the Governor put a law into place in 1630 granting single women “maid lotts” or parcels of land to be given to unmarried women who would move there. That land could also be given to their husbands as a dowry. In 1640 another law was passed whereby a man could will his property to his wife in the event of his death and in the event that man had no daughters or a wife he could will it to his daughters. So here we have women who – own land……..
And oh my, guess what? Women then were competition with the men because they owned property and had businesses beside of the men who did the same. Uh-oh. Tons of disagreements came up things heated up. So here we go with the witchcraft stuff which has always been the rage in Europe so it was familiar to them. Also do bear in mind that the art of ergot poisoning was also a knowledge they all brought with them. If somehow it gets into the grain like rye for example and you make bread with it, whoops! you are going to start convulsing and seeing things and acting like a mad woman! Hm,m,m……the women accused were given rye bread and water to drink right before they would go on trial before everyone.
Then, and this is the good part, if you accused a witch and they were found guilty, then you got their land! Now all becomes clear, doesn’t it? Salem was a very very important port so that land was extremely valuable and do know without me going on and on, the Reverend and several other people were in cohoots together and became quite wealthy until one of their wives was accused and well, they had to stop their profitable endeavors. Mind you many of the accused were children and there were a couple of dogs as well. It was all about land, power and greed.
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I’ve spent a few years not fully aware of what was happening and then comes the panic and hurt when you do your research. I honestly used to read these kind of stories in magazines and feel horrified. I never thought I would be in situation like this. I’ve always been quite confident well together women until I met him then slowly I’ve been broken down, chewed up and spat out. I think what hurts the most is the abuser thinking it’s okay to treat you like this and disregard your feeling and human right to a life and to make choices and decisions for yourself.
My pushing point has been my Daughters and how quick they’re growing. There is a chance as they get older he could hurt them so there’s no other option but for me to go. No doubt there’ll be the the promises of he’ll change and stop going out at the weekends drinking bla bla bla, thinen there’ll be the threats. I just have to stand strong and not look back. And you’re completely right about it being a man’s world and still very sad that in this day and age it is still the case.
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Know that someone without empathy cannot be compared to someone who does. It’s like looking at an alligator and pondering why oh why won’t it be a bunny rabbit? I am so they should be. Sometimes we have to see what we see, know what we know and be ok calling it – what it is.
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You’re completely right but from what I’ve read on here and in general, it seems that these kind of men are attracted to the same kind of women and we as women are like deers in the headlights, completely besotted with the charm and fake love we’re shown so quickly. And then the reality quickly sinks in. We almost become trapped in a cage where we can’t get out and if we do we are completely broken down that we have no clue what to do or where to go. Will we be believed or will he turn the charm on again and make us look like the crazy woman we are portrayed to be.
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I have found this thread so useful as I am still struggling to accept I have been abused.i knew I felt uncomfortable and that he had a drink problem but he left about (detail removed by moderator) ago, long story but hes on bail and cant see me. Been charged with an offence, not abuse related. Since he went I have realised more and more how much I had accepted as normal.Anyway, here is my list
Behaviour
Was obsessed with me, this was after he apparently realised he had not given me enough attention about (detail removed by moderator) ago and now has gone totally other way
Everyone thinks he is super supportive and externally he is,comes to all my hobby meets, engages with my friends. But at home did minimal housework, didn’t manage his own business well, unprofessional.
Didnt take much interest in our children, now adults, and then wonders why they dont talk to him much
had v few interests bar drinking, watching tv or me
He is always accusing me of being negative about myself, getting stressed over things that weren’t important, of not talking to him.enough- he said I talked better when naked
….
Emotions
Says I don’t get angry, I put all my emotions in a box. Rarely smiled. Got stroppy over ridiculous things, overreacted. Negative about other people. Said I was most important thing ever and he loved me too much, it felt uncomfortableControl
Only just starting to see how much there was. He wanted sex/ nakedness a lot and I felt I had to as he got attitude. Kept buying tacky cheap underwear and sex toys despite me asking him not to. watched cctv app on phone a lot to see when I got in from work. Things were his way or his way. We had great weekends away but if he didnt want to do something he wouldn’t, eg oh I don’t want to walk there but you go, I’ll just wait here but then i couldn’t enjoy the walk as felt had to get back. Liked to choose me clothes to buy and on occasions put clothes out on bed for me to wear.Money
I’ve always managed the money thankfully but hes never had any ambition and earnt bare minimum from business. in recent years has run up tax arrears and I realise spent loads on drink. No responsibilityPhysical
No physical abuse to me but has been aggressive towards adult children on a few occasionsSex
See above re buying tacky underwear. Sex could be good but way too often for me and he insisted on taking photos all the time. wanted me to do topless pictures outside and liked bondageTimeline
Some issues going back (detail removed by moderator) years plus but ramped up past (detail removed by moderator) years -
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Hi Iliketea
Thank you for this thread. I’ve seen this thread before but avoided reading it. I didn’t feel like I had the energy or the courage that it would take to read it.
I left my ex many months ago but he was still in a position of authority over me at work. I have now resolved that and finally I have achieved non-contact.
I’m in a weird position at the moment. I feel that for a mature woman, I am still incredibly naive. I’m not sure how well I’ll do this post but I’ll give it a go.
Behaviour
Outside of the family home, he is kind and sympathetic to people’s faces but is incredibly cruel about them behind their backs. There are very few people who have escaped his harsh judgment.
His behaviour can change in a split second depending on who is watching or listening.
His is openly accepting of people who are different from him but uses condescending or derogatory words to show his real thoughts e.g. My gay friends will be described as mincing or flouncing.
He says horrible things about my friends as well as his own friends. No-body is as good as he is.
He constantly blows his own trumpet in public, especially since I left and he lost his n**********c feed.
I was surprised to read other posts about singing. I thought this was unique to my ex. He hums songs that have meaningful lyrics that justify violence against and the “dispatching” of troublesome wives.
He sang when he knew I was scared or upset by his behaviour; it was clearly a victory to him.
He tells stories to entertain. If they painted me in a bad light, he would star me as the main character. If it’s about something that happened to me that was in anyway interesting but in no way my “fault” he would star himself, actually say that it happened to him as though I wasn’t event there.
He is jovial, always telling jokes and making puns which no-one finds funny but everyone feels obliged to respond to in a positive way.
He manipulates people in all environments and most don’t realise it.He is always accusing me of:
Anything he can’t explain. When he realises he was wrong, he will lie to cover up his mistake or to cover the fact that he was responsible in some wayControl
It was constant and subtle. I’m out now and realising more and more how subtle it was when my children report his behaviour back to me.
He used displays of anger, it’s in his body language, his tone of voice, the changed colour of his face, his facial expression and towards the end, in slamming doors. It was like witnessing a toddler tantrum in a fully grown man.
If anger doesn’t work he starts whining.
If whining doesn’t work he starts crying and telling you how hurt he is that you’re not doing his bidding.
He points out all the negatives of your ideas and the positives of his ideas so that you become scared to make your own decisions.
He uses loaded questions that are a veiled demand. Only his family members would recognise it; and we all do!
He twists things, lies and gaslights, the whole time, to get his own way.
Bullied, manipulated and forced me into the most terrible thing I have never done.Money
He left all the finances to me. He couldn’t be bothered. When I asked for support he wouldn’t give it.
He took no interest in our finances at all. He didn’t even know how to pay a bill.
Towards the end, he started trying to tell me how much of my own money I could spend without his permission.
When he left, he claimed I was financially abusing him because I managed all the accounts (on his insistence).Physical
“Accidentally” hurt me and my nephews in play fights.
Hurt one of my children when he was still in primary school.
Liked to show his physical strength by pinning my arms to my side.
Touching me constantly, sexually and possessively. My body belonged to him.Sex
Multiple rapes.
Sexual coercion. Wouldn’t stop until I capitulated. It was relentless. Persistence, emotional manipulation, anger. He tried it all until he got what he wanted.
What he wanted was to degrade me during sex. 90% of his preferred sex was about degrading me. I told him I hated it, this just made him insist on it even more.
It was the worst part of the abuse for me.Timeline
Abuse escalated at times that were significant and often a source of celebration for me. The happier and more fulfilled my life became in other areas, the more the abuse escalated.-
{Hi @eggshells, Im wondering if this post is getting too long and cumbersome, maybe I should start a new one}
B****y hell – THE SINGING – what is that about??! Mine too!I’m so sorry about the forced sex side and rapes, so so sorry, are you having counselling and support from Rape Crisis? Sounds like it would be really important for you to do that. Sh*t these men, it constantly amazes me how similar they all are. Like you say, I still feel so naive, even after this, even knowing all that I do now. I think its probably because we’re normal people, and normal people shouldn’t have to know any of this in healthy normal relationships.
But wow, Im so pleased you’ve sorted out the work situation, that was a big one for you, I remember, amazing, well done, so strong to get that sorted.
Sending you a hug, and really hope you’re doing ok. xx
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Thanks @Iliketea. Sending big hugs back. I know you’re settling into big changes yourself atm. Hope it’s all going well.
I noticed Lottieblue has started a part 2. A great idea; this is such a great thread. It really helps to organise thoughts and get it out. xx
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Behaviour
People think he is opinionated but insightful, easy going and fun.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If his friends or family comes over or he needs to take a call he’s lovely and pleasant to them, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash. (my friends & family don’t come over, it’s too uncomfortable for me)
He glares at me
He talks to me like a child at times
He rarely asks people about themselves, unless it’s his friends
He is always right.
He talks over me. But gets extremely angry if I ever dare to speak over him
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
His phrase is “when did that happen, give me an example” followed by “why didn’t you say something at the time”, therefore discrediting it, but he is allowed to drag things up from the past as he is only trying to make a point?
When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone/computer game does something repetitive.
He can sometimes be extremely happy or sometimes incredibly depressed/ in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He screams in my face, towers over, invades my personal space, points
He’s extremely intimidating
He is clever, more with words and language.
He doesn’t talk to me. He’ll ignore me for days, until it becomes unbearable and I end up apologising.
When he does something wrong it’s minimised, im over reacting or I cause him to behave that way, therefore im responsible.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before.
Holds grudges.
He encourages me to cut people off who have hurt/wronged me, then gets angry when I don’t
He gets angry with other people he perceives are more successful/knowledgeable than him, but would never admit they are more successful/knowledgeable.
He rarely treat me, he rarely buy me presents. Has forgotten birthdays, when he does it’s usually out of the money he should be paying me back or paying bills with, therefore I may as well of bought it myself.
He has rarely worked throughout our relationship
He rarely paid for anything, including rent, bills and food, but would buy himself things whenever he had the money
He is secretive/shady
He is always accusing me of being selfish, that everything is always about me, he also accuses me of treating the few friends I do have and family members better than him.
Being cold and lacking affection
Being uninterested in him
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
Being Lazy
Being too emotional or over sensitive/drama queen.
Emotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m playing victim.
That arguments are my fault, due to me not saying how im feeling
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
If i hurt myself or am fearful of something he gets angry at me.
He encourages talking about feelings, but when I do, he quickly changes it all around so it’s me that is making him feel a certain way, or my behaviour has caused him to feel a certain way and im selfish.
He is angry.
He denies my feelings.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements, he minimises them or discredits them
He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated or scared by him.
If he feels he’s won a row he smirks or becomes amazingly happy, will call his mates and have a laugh and joke.
Tells me I don’t accept responsibility and apologize, twists it around, which then makes me feel guilty and I end up apologising for things I haven’t even done.Control
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way. If he wants to do it then we do it, if I want to do something im selfish.
He is not interested in anything I do.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them, says the female friends/family members have tried it on with him and the men are idiots
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
Physical
He doesn’t cook
He turns the TV over as if im not in the room or watching it
He will come upstairs when im sleeping and turn the TV on, knowing I have work in the morning
He cleans the front room and washes up (because I don’t do it properly) and let’s me know when he’s done it. I should be grateful
He smashes/breaks things, he punches doors, he’s thrown my possessions out on to the street.
He’s pulled his fist back to punch me in the face, grabbed my clothing and ripped them, he’s threatened to throw my outside naked.
He’s threatened to kill me
He’s told people things ive told him in confidence, he’s used that information to summerise what my “problem” is and used it in numerous arguments against me.
He says I made him do it.
He says I am an emotional abuser, because I don’t tell him how im feeling.Sex
It used to be frequent, until he demoralised my performance, then it was more about what he wanted and how he wanted me to behave.
Near the end I did it with him just so he would let me sleep, I hardly participated, I felt I was just a hole.
He talks about how distant and mechanical I am about sex, he thinks it’s some form of abuse from my past, I never told him it was him, I should of done!
He watches porn.Timeline
There were red flags – I did see them, but thought they were a one off, thought things would get better, I also thought I was to blame.
Rages and control, knowing better, not listening to others opinions, loosing friends.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is less
My finances are less.
I am slowly gaining myself back -
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Im new and fiund rhus post and was so shocked how alike they are here my husbands behaviour.
Behaviour
People think he is laid back and easy going.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
He glares at me and breathes heavily through his nose when he’s angry.
He rarely asks people about themselves.
He is always right.
He talks over me.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard. Yes! His phrase is “that’s not what happened”
When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone, does something repetitive. Doesn’t answer me or daydreams.
He can sometimes be happy or sometimes in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He is clever
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before-holds grudges.i think I’m now the person he bares a grudge with and a big reason why I don’t feel I can be me.
He gets angry with other drivers.
He treats me buys me gifts then puts in on facebook so everyone can say hiw winderful he is and hiw lucky i am to have such a winderful loving husband.
He is secretive.He is always accusing me of
Being cold and lacking affection
Being uninterested in him
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
Being Lazy-should exercise more (to help me feel happier about myself of course)
Being too emotional or over sensitive.
Being like my mumEmotions
If I cry he cuedles me ans gets sexually aroused
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He won’t talk about feelings.saye come on pull yourself togerher you have gor me i love you and as always will get you though it as im the only ibe who evee dose.
He is angry.
He denies our feelings.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements.
He tells me he’s miserable and has thought about driving off the toad to end it all.
He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated by him because I’ve got cross with him before.
If he feels he’s won A row he smirksControl
He is not interested in anything I do.
He doesn’t like my friends (I only gave a few very old ones I rarely see. Others haven’t stuck around , he is rude about them.
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.Physical
He dise do the cooking as dosnet like my cooking and if i cook him a meal he turns his nose up at it
Very really cleans if he dose pick up the hoover i should be sooooo greatful as its a womwns job
He says I/they make him do it.Sex
He always wants sex and says a good argyment makes great sex. He wants sex if im crying it turns him he says stop crying look what it dise to me.
He watches porn.Timeline
There were red flags – I didn’t see them, I didn’t know to see them. Rages and control, knowing better, not listening to others opinions, loosing friends.
After every commitment I made it got worse not better.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is less.
My lines are more.
My finances are less.
I am literally a shadow of my former self. -
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Here’s my first attempt at putting my experience under different headings. The abuse I experienced was always through messages and never in person.
Behaviour:
– Others think they are lovely and a great person.
– If I didn’t reply quickly enough to messages they’d send more and at times contact my family to see “if I’m ok” as they were “worried about me”.
– They’d watch when I was online and get upset/offended if I didn’t talk to them.
– Was jealous when I messaged/spoke in person to my friends and wanted me all to themselves, but thought it was ok for them to talk to other people.
– Frequently assumed what I’d done or thought and always thought it was to do with them.
– Underestimated my abilities and actions.
– Felt like I had to constantly explain/justify myself incase they got upset.
– Felt like I had to tell them every single thing yet they frequently never told me the whole truth.
– Did stuff behind my back to “protect me”.
– Blamed their extreme outbursts on their mental disorder but never did anything to try and manage it.
– Made lot’s of promises they knew they couldn’t keep.
– Felt like I couldn’t have a good day if they were in a bad mood.
– Very much a hypocrite, manipulative and controlling but this was very subtle.
– Liked to pick fights over petty things.
– Frequently jumped to conclusions without letting me fully explain things.
– Said things they knew triggered me but turned it back on me when I asked them not to use the words/phrases that distressed me and played the victim.
– Loved the attention and drama but hated confrontation.
– Showed up somewhere else despite having already agreed on a place to meet so they could “surprise me” and “spend as much time with me” despite them knowing that made me anxious.
– Frequently said sorry for various stuff and felt sorry for themselves.
– Very self destructive and made me feel like I had to stay in the relationship incase they had a breakdown.
– Thought how they saw a situation was always right despite it being the opposite.Accusations:
– Accused me of stuff that wasn’t true as it was what was in their head and not what actually happened.
– Accused me of walking away when I hadn’t.
– Accused me of betraying and blackmailing them when it was them that did those.Emotions:
– If I was upset they’d smother me with “support” despite me telling them I needed space.
– Told me they loved me very quickly into the relationship.
– Made me say I loved them before I was ready.
– If they were upset/having a bad day I felt I had to constantly give them attention until they felt better despite having my own life.Control:
– Threatened to kill themselves several times as they knew my friends and I would come running.
– Used emotional blackmail when I ended the relationship.
– Guilt tripped me and went into a bad mood every time I didn’t want to do something they did.
– Tried to stop me from doing something if they weren’t going to be there too.
– Said they lived for me and wouldn’t want to be alive if I wasn’t around.
– Felt like I always had to say yes incase they got upset or annoyed.
– Was intense and kept pushing till they got what they wanted.
– Told me not to do/say something but went and did it themselves.
– Tried to dictate what my friends and I could and couldn’t say.
– Twisted a situation to suit themselves and keep control.Money:
– Very impulsive and has spent money given to them from others that was meant for other things.
– Gave their savings to me so they didn’t spend too much.
– Asked me for my opinion before buying something or would buy something randomly then want more money from their savings.Physical:
– Has punched and thrown stuff but never in front of me.
– Has been verbally abusive but never towards me in person.
– Has withheld physical contact until I did something they wanted me to as it was “for my own good” and because they “loved me so much”.
– Wanted to be physically close to me all the time despite me not being comfortable with it.
– Gradually made me do more intimate things before I was ready such as kissing/hand holding as they “wanted to help me be comfortable with it”.Sex: Never went that far with them.
Timeline: It was a fairly short relationship but there was red flags before we took our friendship further. Quite a few people didn’t like them but I felt very trapped and compelled to help them. I was scared to say how I truly felt at times and felt I had no option but to go along with it. In the end I’m glad I stood up for myself when I did and now I’m left with constant reminders of everything that happened. I feel very lucky my friends stayed by me when things turned nasty and I felt the benefits both physically and mentally almost immediately after leaving.
Overall this was quite challenging and mentally tiring to sort out and it brought up quite a few unpleasant flashbacks but it has helped make it a bit more clearer in my head.
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Hi, thank you for writing this all down, it must have taken a lot of strength. I recognise a lot there. The angry driving thing – yes, very much yes, I’ve had a lot of experience of that recently and have gone from a relaxed passenger to someone who often has their eyes screwed shut. Where do they learn this stuff?!?!
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Just to say that all these posts are amazingly powerful reading. I have come back to review them a few times now, the similarities are evident. It was a great idea to start this thread iliketea. It feels like it should be published, put on the side of buses and on billboards, read out in the ad breaks during football matches and the entitlement ‘outed’. Made BIG as a warning to abusive men that WOMEN ARE ONTO THEM.
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I’m very embarassed by my list and didn’t want to post it but I’m angry tonight so I’ll do it.
As usual it’s a long one from me but I felt like I needed to write as much as I could think of.Behaviour
People think he is lovely.
He can dominate a conversation but generally prefers to ask about the other person than talk about himself.
He will ask others about themselves and is very polite.
He can also be angry and rude to GP receptionists on the phone (he made one woman cry), job centre, companies, police (he went to them about something unrelated to me but lied to them about what happened in the hope they could help him and threatened with suicide if they didn’t come to the house/sort things out).
He is entitled.
He knows exactly how to wind me up and will do it then accuse me of overreacting if I get annoyed.
He is dramatic, exaggerates wildly and stretches the truth to suit himself.
He wakes up in a bad mood a lot and doesn’t speak to me as he’s scrolling on his phone.
He will dictate what kind of day it’s going to be with his behaviour.
He is unreliable and cancels last minute often.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He is clever.
He is paranoid and moans when friends don’t reply to him for a few days or answer their phones.
He is always blaming other people and doesn’t take responsibility unless he is in sad mood when drunk then can harp on about how he knows he doesn’t help himself by drinking/doing drugs/that he knows I’m not happy with him.
He often doesn’t answer me or daydreams. If I get frustrated about repeating myself to him he will snap at me.
He will bombard me with abusive messages. He will do it even if we are in the house together but in separate rooms rather than coming to speak to me in person. He does the same to his family.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
He calls me names.
He is a master at the silent treatment and withdrawal of affection.
He tells me there is something wrong with me.
He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship.
He can sometimes be happy or sometimes in a bad mood. It can change quickly.
He makes empty promises to me, his family and friends. He has wonderful ideas but rarely makes them happen.He is always accusing me of
Only doing things for myself.
Not supporting him.
Loving/caring about/showing more affection to our pet than him.
Being a drama queen.
Being cold and lacking affection.
Being moody.
Being a princess.
Moving his things around. It’s always my fault when he can’t find something.
Not going to the GP about my mental health issues.
Being insecure and jealous. He says he feels awkward walking past women with me and if an attractive woman is on the tv.
Being incapable of cooking us a meal. Says I can’t even boil an egg. He does all the cooking and says we would just eat ready meals if he didnt cook. He is a very fussy eater and I don’t have confidence that I will cook to his standards.
He doesn’t clean but I do. He makes out I’m crazy because of my OCD related to cleaning and says I just do it for me.
Being like my friend who he says is a crazy b***h then when things are ok he will ask how she is or what she’s been up to. If I say you don’t like her and have said she is psycho he’ll get annoyed/snap at me that he does like her.
Being boring and not having any hobbies.
Not being sympathetic towards him.
Being a lovely person to everyone but him.
Allowing arguments to carry on forever. He says he is always the one to resolve things and if he didn’t it would continue for days, weeks or months.
That I’m being moody because I’m on my period (to the point I will sometimes try and hide if I am so he can’t use that against me!).
Being like my Dad who he rants to me about in arguments and says how horrible he is.Emotion
He has threatened suicide many times before.
He has threatened to end the relationship countless times and said he can’t wait to be free of me and get on with his life.
He can talk for ages (often in the middle of the night) about how down and hurt he feels or things I’m doing wrong. I am expected to listen and if I try to suggest advice or be positive it’s never really good enough.
He makes me feel bad that my parents are in good health when one of his isn’t, although medically they have not been diagnosed with anything.
He has told me I’m beautiful, sexy, praised my body etc then in an argument has called me fat. Making me feel more self-conscious. I am fairly slim and tall but he has grabbed my stomach rolls when I’m sat down before and wobbled my upper arms.
He sometimes sulks and makes me feel bad that I’m going to work and he is left alone even though he chooses to stay in and chooses not to work.
He makes out my mental health isnt as bad as his. That I’m lucky I have a job even though he chooses not to have one.Control
It’s subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
He sulks but in a jokey way if I don’t go to bed when he does. It’s fine if he stays up after I go to bed though.
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me.
If I don’t answer his calls or texts that he wants an answer from quick enough he gets very angry and sends me abusive texts.
If I go to stay with family he will say that I’ve abandoned him in a sulky/jokey way.
I never spend the day with friends or go away with them because I’m anxious he will bombard me with texts or phone calls if he needs me and I dont respond.
We don’t do much, especially if he’s hungover then we just stay in.
He takes control of the tv, music in the car, where we go for the day, how far we walk if we go for exercise and always decides what he’s going to cook for us to eat. He sulks sometimes if I don’t compliment the food he’s made.
He will make a sulky comment if I dont reply to his text even if I was asleep when he sent it.
He bullied me into getting our pet and said it would help his mental health. He then threatened to harm our pet or throw it out in an argument.
He cancels things and let people down last minute often. He has used me as an excuse in the past or wanted me to explain to people. He has gotten nasty if I’ve said I feel awkward and don’t want to.
We never visit my parents but always visit his. He rarely comes to my family events unless he absolutely has to. He says it’s because of his anxiety and that I don’t understand even though I get anxiety and go to all of his family things. He makes me feel as though I’m lucky if he does go. He also cancels last minute for his own family/friends events sometimes.
He is abusive towards his parent and siblings and bombards them with nasty texts if he’s annoyed with them. He’ll delete the messages on his phone so as to avoid seeing what he’s said.
He will sleep in late and slob about then as soon as he wants to go out expects me to be ready to go and nags me if I’m taking too long getting ready.Money
He takes no responsibility as his parents still pay for everything.
He won’t discuss money – it always seems to become an argument.
He won’t save money.
If I try to be careful with money he makes me feel like I’m being tight f****d.
He accuses me of being tight f****d even though he doesn’t pay me back for months.
He will pay for things then throw it back in my face.
He won’t get internet banking so I have to send money to the people he needs to through mine. He will ask me to send money to people when I’m with my family and if I don’t respond quickly enough he will get annoyed. He doesn’t seem to care that it’s a faff for me to do it.
He says his family pay for things which saves me loads of money and that I don’t care.
He has taken my bank card when I’ve been asleep on a couple of occasions and withdrawn cash. I caught him out and he apologised (I think it was more out of shame and embarassment). He hasn’t done it since but I don’t trust him fully now so sometimes hide my purse by the bed when I’m asleep if he has stayed up.Physical
He has thrown/kicked things in my direction.
He doesn’t clear up mess he has made from throwing things.
He has locked me in/out of rooms.
He has squeezed my arms/wrists so hard it left bruises.
He has thumped me (when I’ve done it first to him though).
He has dragged me across the bed.
He has taken the duvet from me when I’ve tried to go to sleep so that I can’t.
He has kept switching the main light on so that I can’t sleep. Everytime I turned it off he would just switch it back on again and said he will keep it up all nigh but doesnt.
He has slammed doors in my face.
He has put a pillow over my head.
He will stomp about with heavy footsteps.
He will grab/slap my bottom in public which I used to think was affection now I’m not so sure.
He has on occasions grabbed my private parts around the house (and in public on a few occasions).
His physical appearance has deteoriated due to drug/alcohol abuse/not taking care of himself. He sulks and does nothing about it though.
I’ve realised he withholds physical contact sometimes, like I have to be the one that kisses goodnight or there’s a comment, or I have to hold hands and if I don’t something is said.
He used to be very affectionate in public and kiss me on the cheek/head a lot, hold my hand and cuddle me. I used to think I was the luckiest girl alive. Since I’ve withdrawn affection and know he is abusive he’s changed though.
SexWhen we have it, it is entirely on his terms.
If I initiate, he tends to say no.
He says I’m only happy with him when we have had sex.
He gets irritated if I feel uncomfortable/in pain and will keep asking me why it’s painful.
He always apologises for it being over too soon but then sulks and says I wasn’t satisfied and that he can’t satisfy me.
One of the first sexual encounters we had very early on I was struggling to do something and he stormed off in a mood leaving me confused and upset.
He has encouraged me to buy sex toys then sulked that I prefer them to him.
He made a comment in the very early days about me not performing a sexual act on him. I had no sexual experience then so was nervous about doing things.
Sometimes after he will mention the sex and say he wanted to do something but that he knows I won’t let him or I don’t like it but didn’t communicate that to me at the time so how was I to know?Timeline
There were red flags from the very beginning but I didn’t realise what they meant or know about abuse. I was extremely young and had no idea.
I have developed a trauma bond so feel trapped with him.
My memories are filled with amazing moments of kindness from him but also of shocking cruelty and nastiness.
My anger and temper are worse, I’ve possibly picked it up from him.
My anxiety is worse.
If I’m honest he holds me back with my career. Partly because my confidence is low but also because I worry if I will fit it around him.
It’s very hard to make plans with him because it all depends on how he’s feeling on the day. As a result I waste a lot of days off just staying in whilst he sleeps off a hangover or does his hobby/aatches tv.
There are hobbies/activities I’d like to do but I don’t because he moans sometimes if I make plans and he wants to do something together.
I rarely if ever see my own friends as I’m anxious. He says he wants me to but doesn’t really encourage it.
After every commitment I made it got worse not better.Even despite all of this I still find the thought of being without him unbearable some days.
Hopefully one day I will get there x-
I could have written 95% of that myself. Except im free. Terrible isn’t it when you see it in black and white?
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yes i got that book on kindle …sadly some yrs ago now … and yes i shdve left cept took me till now to summon the strength to start the process … please join me! Never too late to be a person in yr own right … not gonna be easy but i hv separated mentally – gave him chance after chance even tho i really know he is not on my wavelength only on his own. So be it.
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Behaviour:
Silent treatment when I’ve done or said something to upset him. It’s often difficult to ascertain what that actually is though because I don’t know and have to guess. Conversely, won’t stop talking (about subjects that interest him), gets on his soapbox frequently, but is dismissive and mentally switches off if I try to bring something important up.
I get told not to interrupt, he gets very annoyed if I try to offer an alternative viewpoint/counter argument.
I get accused of being the nasty one, told how selfish I am, how I’ve destroyed his life, that no one else would put up with me.
Am told I’m too noisy – this could be something as innocent as coughing, sneezing etc. I can’t eat foods like crisps or nuts because it annoys him, but if he wants to eat them of course that’s ok.
He decides what we eat, what we watch on tv, if we go out.
Will criticise my driving but never offers to drive himself.
Anything I do is never good enough, to the point where I just can’t be bothered anymore because it will be criticised whatever.
Flat out denies that he has ever been abusive or controlling, he’s so convincing even I start to believe it and doubt myself.Emotions
Can be comforting if I’m upset but it’s always time limited. I’m expected to get over it, and back to looking after him.
I get accused of deliberately starting arguments in order to upset him, when I just wanted a normal, rational discussion about something.
Can be supportive when he wants to be but often throws it back in my face at a later date or uses it to reinforce what a fantastic guy he is. It’s never unconditional.Control
I haven’t been able to go to appointments or see anyone f2f since lockdown back in March. This is his way of ‘protecting us’, when I try to point out how badly it’s affecting my mental health, I get accused of beng selfish and wanting to put him at risk.
I do most of the chores without any thanks. But when he does something, it’s a big deal that must be acknowledged.
Doesn’t know the meaning of the word compromise, it’s his way or no way.Money
We do have separate bank accounts but I still have to justify any excess spend, where he doesn’t.
Everything we’ve spent on our current house has been paid for out of money left to me.Physical
Has never physically hurt me but uses his size to block my way, but expects me to move out of his way immediately.
Will hold me in a bear-hug whether I want to be held or not.
Has no regard for privacy of personal space, will barge into the room if I’m on the phone or busy doing something, yet I get told to not disturb him if it’s something that’s important to him.
Doesn’t take any care over his appearance but critical if I let myself go.Sex
As infrequently as I can get away with. He’s never physically forced me but I get barbed comments about how understanding he is, how it wouldn’t hurt me to just oblige now and then to please him. I don’t feel comfortable saying no, so give in just to keep the peace. Then he’ll make me feel bad about it.
Says he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt me, but then won’t stop even if he can see I’m in pain.I could have gone on and on, but the post would run to several pages. It’s only this year that I’ve heard about coercive control and I’m still having trouble getting my head around the fact that it could apply to me.
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Behaviour
Believed it was normal to spend all of our time together.
Has no friends.
Belittles me when his family are present.
Negative and obsessive.
Critical looks, just waiting for me to make a ‘mistake’ so he can ‘tell me off’.
Made me feel like a child.
He’d need to be in the same room as me. I couldn’t have any alone time.
He was happiest when I was doing very typical housewife activities like cooking for him and cleaning.He is always accusing me of
Being selfish.
Being lazy.
Not doing things right.
Not loving him.
Preferring to be with friends.
Sneezing too loud. Accuses me of doing it deliberately. Gets annoyed with me afterwards!Emotions
I’m not allowed to have/show them.
His emotions dominated the relationship. If he’s in a bad mood, I caused it. I then get the silent treatment as punishment.
He can get into a bad mood for no apparent reason.
Walking on eggshells.Control
Thinks wives should be home with their husbands, cook and clean and look after them.
Blamed me for everything.
I had to let him know when I was leaving the house, where I was going, who I’d be with. I’d get constant msgs, and if these weren’t answered, i’d get calls and he’d be angry. I’d constantly check my phone when I was out in case I’d accidentally not heard a message come through.
Silent treatment as a punishment.Money
Tight with money.
Would use money as an excuse to not do things.Physical
He wasn’t physically abusive but there were little things like shoving me out of the way when i was doing something because he felt he could do it better.Sex
Made no effort to instigate sex but then would blame me for not having it.
He preferred very cold, non-intimate sexual activities, not intercourse.Timeline
Lots of small things over many years.
It was very difficult for me to spot as I just thought they were normal parts of compromise in a relationship. But I was the one doing all the compromising in the end. I’d never even heard of emotional abuse before I started to open up to other people about what I was going through. -
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Ok here we go.
Behaviour
Hes great to others but loves to tell others how stupid clumsey daft I am.
Loves to embarress me in front of others but seems loving.
Wont let me work or see friends
Tells me im too thin too old too ugly
I dont work im lazy im useless
Accuses me daily of having affairs
Has a fowl temper and can shout and scream then turn it off just as quick
Will say something then denies it making me feel as if im crazy
Is demanding
Doesnt like me talking about myself
Sex
Demands sex and gets nasty when i say no
Likes me to dress up
Constantly touching me
Money
Actually this is ok but if i buy something i have to thank him with sex
Timeline (detail removed by moderator) and counting -
Takes photo of me with out me knowing , naked , getting dressed. When I found out it was my fault. Has sex with me while I’m drunk or asleep. Passive aggressive , intimidating, never wants to do anything if I do then I must have sex with him first to make sure the kids have a nice day . Not approachable , makes sarcastic comments under his breath. Speaks to the kids like c**p demanding respect . Sulks, hates how I put the kids first 🙁
When you write it down it looks so much more horrid then when it’s in your head .
I can’t live like this
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I’ve tried to leave by many times he said he he has nothing and would kill himself. So I stayed.
Very jealous to start with I wasn’t allowed to speak with other men , not aloud to wear low cut tops . Wasn’t allowed out with friends if I did he had to come . Looking back the flags were bright red,he compared me to his ex all the time , and I just wanted to make him happy , I just didn’t have the understanding that I’m finally figuring out now . now and I feel trapped, in a routine that stops me thingking , I don’t sit still, I have to keep my mind going and it’s draining
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I’ve been reading through all the posts.
When I was doubting if I should leave or stay away I wrote myself a list to remind myself of the whys..
For all the times you’ve put me down.
For controlling every aspect of my life.
For all the friends I’ve lost trying to please you.
For all the tears I’ve shed.
For all the lies I’ve had to tell to protect you.
For the mental torture you put me through.
For the very first slap and when I should have left.
For the intimidation and manipulation.
For the split lip because I forgot to (detail removed by moderator).
For stopping me going to church.
For all the accusations.
For making me so lonely.
For making me believe I’m mad.
For scaring me.
For putting yourself before our kids.
For holding my (detail removed by moderator) until I begged you to stop.
For the footprint on my neck.
For all the pushes and kicks.
For the punches to the face.
For drugging me at (detail removed by moderator).
For the broken ribs.
For the broken toes.
For raping me in my new home.
For repeatedly raping me.
For all the bites.
For the time you tricked me in the car park and pushed and forced me in public.
For degrading me by the (detail removed by moderator).
For lying and saying you love me.
For the silence.
For the continuous threats.
For taking (detail removed by moderator) of my life.
For all the life long scars – physical/mental.
For all the broken promises to change.Sometimes I go back to this and regroup to know where I am now and where I was then.
Although there was lots of physical stuff the absence of any kind of emotion was difficult. Days without communicating and even after just grunts or rudeness.
This is my abuser
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@cantmakedecisons, I think its time you change your name here! You made the biggest and best decision of your life to call him out on this behaviour and walk away from it! So proud of how strong and brave you are and have been. x*x I just wanted to acknowledge how hard that must have been to revisit those horrors for you and thank you for you sharing your experiences. You are pretty amazing, and I hope you can see that. xx
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Iliketea, thank you but your being way too kind. It was messy and horrible and I still not quite in control of my life but I’m out and it’s just going to take time to rebuild. It’s like learning to do everything from scratch, the freedom is overwhelming and daunting. I think I just need time, time to process and heal. I’ve never been an adult in this world without him so I’m not really sure what to do first. X*x
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