This is so hard…

[lilaclady]

Left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Moved out of the family home into a rental as I could just not live with his behaviour. Since then its been a separation to see if he can work on things, also as I couldn’t face up to fully ending our marriage (I still can’t). In the months we have been apart things have been up and down. Nothing near as bad as it was, and we seem to be parenting fine being separated. But he fully resents me for leaving and still doesn’t really get why. Today we met up and again he says how I moved out as I don’t want to be with him (no I moved out because of his angry behaviour), I’ve been round all his friends telling them what an awful person he is (I haven’t) all he’s done is be nice to me buying me car, clothes etc. And again my mind is all over the place. Am I being oversensitive, was it just arguments we were having… why am I giving up on a marriage? Will things ever get better? I can’t imagine it really being over its just to much for my head to deal with, how can I be alone with no husband, a single mum. Felt really sad and heartbroken really. But I also know at this stage I cannot go back to him. Not one bit. His thinking has not changed. Luckily I went round to a friends house had a chat, then saw another friend who was amazing. So that I am grateful for. Its just not easy is it? Not a black and white decision to end it all. Feelings all over the place!

[KIP.]

Hi there, my ex used to bring up the things he bought me. We were married, the money belonged to me as much as him, yet he would come away with how generous he was. It was my money anyway! Don’t be fooled by his mind games. Even now he still wants to moan and dump all his rubbish at your door. Has he ever asked how you are doing? If there’s a thing he can do, like move out the house, to make your life easier, any contact with these men is not a good idea. Confusing and toxic X

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Hi I’m in exactly the same time frame as you ,luckily for me we didn’t have kids together the kids are mine from a previous relationship.

My ex was the same I worked yet he would call me a money grabber list things he had done and bought me and I apparently I just took. Not how I remember it but i was always wrong.

You left for a good reason so I think like many (me especially)your trying to convince yourself it wasn’t so bad doubting yourself I agree with kip about has he asked how you are offered to make things easier for you I believe good men behave like this – apparently lol but what do I know.

I just wanted to show you some support. You say your both parenting ok so would it hurt to just stick with it a little longer take a bit more time for yourself.
It’s hard I’m struggling to keep away myself but there comes a point when you have to love yourself if he won’t/can’t then I think you found your answer.

Big hugs
Your not alone fsc x

[lilaclady]

Thank you both for your replies… makes me feel not so alone. I am definitely going to stick with living separately for longer. I don’t feel like his ways are changing enough at the moment for me to go back. Yes he is in counselling and yes he is in anger management all good steps and yes things are not as volatile as they used to be (I think mainly because I am not living in the same house as him) but still not enough change. He still has many moments where he blames this on me, minimises what has happened, says its just arguments… which all do very well to make me question if it was. And KIP you are so right not once has he asked how I am, or once understood what he has put me through or the damage he has caused. He is constantly asking when I am coming back home and when I am going to decide if still love him. Again nothing to do with his behaviour.

I struggled today. A lot. I guess the final realisation is hitting home that there is no hope this will change and we can rescue our marriage. I feel hearbroken at the prospect of divorce, being on my own and the fact that our relationship is over. I loved him (still do) and I can bear to think of it being over. I read somewhere that you can not make that final decision until you feel ready. And even though I know deep down what is going to happen I can’t make that decision yet. Its too painful and raw. So for now I will keep living out of the home, and co parenting… Just feel broken and sad today.

I said to him you took what we had a sh*t all over it…. thats how I feel. He cant see it, why would he. But still I do question, was it me, am I just wrong for him… whats my part here? Am I oversensitive…. am going to try and turn my brain off and get some much needed sleep.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Do not think u r overreacting, we left these men for a good reason, thi temp good behaviour is only to pull us back in and confuse us , keep watching his movements and stick to your decison, he will slowly slip agian and get annoyed of waiting aqround for u to move back in.

Your right in the sense they caused the damage themselves and they still cant see where theree behaviour was wrong

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