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If you possibly can, try to hold onto the reason you left. I try very hard not to remember what actually happened but i hold onto the person that he was so I never let my guard down. Big hugs because its really hard trying to do this while behaving in a way that wont hurt the kids.
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Don’t be taken in by gestures. As freedoms says – remember why you left.
My ex invited me for Sunday lunch a few months after I left – got our daughter to ask me. I was flabbergasted and obviously refused. Then I was asked did I want any beef as they had a lot left over….. no thanks! It’s odd but they seem to feel a need to extend the ended relationship it’s obviously a ploy to knock us for six.
Keep up the good work you’re doing just great. Keep focussed on you and don’t let him back in your head x -
This reminds me actually of various things since leaving such as putting his hand on my arm and asking with great compassion was I looking after myself, was I eating enough, was I okay. I felt like saying no I’m not okay, I’m completely broken, by you and your behaviour/treatment/episodes/whatever has been actually going on these past many many years that I haven’t really seen until now. And saying to our older child look after Mummy and (baby’s name) for me. Erm, you were meant to do that, you could have done that and been still doing that, don’t put that on a (detail removed by moderator) year old. I broke down in my car, full of empathy and help and advice etc. Erm, it’s already sorted, you no longer get to think you are helping me. Just stuff like that. It seriously messes with your mind doesn’t it.
The whole sorry situation of being in something for so long but not really realising is a massive mind melt 🙁
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Do you know though, I actually think that almost proves there’s something not quite right with them and they really are trying to manipulate us and/or a situation. To say “you look well” at this time is seriously odd so would suggest it is said to try to make you feel crazy or confused or mess with your mind and your perception of the reality of what’s going on or, indeed, how well you are. I’m quite sure the last thing you feel right now is particularly well and he will know that really. It is so confusing and almost impossible to understand as we clearly think and feel so differently to them. I have read and listened to so much content on the subject and it really helps but I still feel overwhelmed by it. I keep saying to my counsellor did he do it on purpose, did he know, did he purposely create an environment of fear which is something that resonated with me recently. She said I may never know and maybe he did know or maybe he didn’t but it still happened and I don’t want to live like that anymore.
They all seem to follow fairly similar patterns of behaviour and tactics it would seem overall.
xxxx
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It’s these small gestures that really get us all confused. They think we should be grasping at any olive branch they hit us with. If they can persuade us to re engage, it validates their behaviour. Like if he was really that bad we wouldn’t be engaging in small talk. That’s why zero contact is so painful for them. One thing that really rocked me was when I had to pay him off to keep the home. He spent a very long time trying to force the sale of my home, trying to financially cripple me, make my son and I homeless. He lied and ran up huge legal bills, paid with money he stole from our joint account. Used the process to further abuse with nasty false allegations which triggered my PTSD and nearly destroyed me. When the solicitors agreed a sum I was to pay him. He rounded it down by a couple thousand. It’s stuck with me even now. I believe it was another attempt to say look at me, how reasonable I am. Forgetting the last years of legal and emotional and financial hell he had caused. As usual my advice is zero contact x
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