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    • #20862
      teatime
      Participant

      Evaluating a possible abuser.Is he stupid or an abuser? Is he just a selfish SOB?
      It’s hard isn’t it?
      I’ve been trying to write down some of the things tat I think were abusive because generally he was very kind except for always depressed.
      He was a moaner, a Mr Sensitive, he had debts he worried about. I was often loaning him money which he did pay back. When I left he asked for a huge loan and I said no!
      I drove him in my car everywhere- my own choice so we could do things instead of sitting about.
      In the winter when it was freezing he would never put a heater on.
      He was a refugee to this country and he longed to go home but ‘home’ was a war zone.
      He had been used to a wild sort of life in his youth, had disappointed his Father and had a massive complex about it.
      He was quite a lot older than me and yet seemed to think we would be a good team. I did say NO initially but one thing led to another. Stupid of me.

      He didn’t like a condom so I refused any penetration, but he did once roll me on my back and beg me till I gave in. It’s unlikely I would conceive though and he knew that. Unacceptable though and he was told never to do it again.
      He chainsmoked despite asthma and had mobility problems.

      He collapsed twice. I had to save his life, once giving CPR.
      I was traumatised.

      I asked him to cut down or talk the GP about smoking but he never did. His lungs were clear when x rayed so he carried on… the cause of his collapses are still unknown.

      I looked after him each time. I started doing his laundry. He seemed to take it for granted .

      It turned out he had occasionally ‘used’ women for sex.
      he didn’t seem to think this was very wrong or that I would object.
      He described women in clubs he had been to long ago, as ‘sex goddesses’I found this upsetting.
      I tend to have every sympathy for such women, but not so much the men that use them.
      He didn’t like women with babies… he had a complex about mothering. He wanted to be mothered himself.
      He was very into talking about his ‘feelings’. I think this was the biggest clue.
      On and on, ruining whole evenings about his past wives and how they didn’t stand by him.
      I mentioned that I had had abusive partners and when he countered he said I talked about them.
      Ok I said- tell me their names? He could not. Because they were not talked about very much.
      He was utterly self obsessed.
      He lived on the edges of society and wore terrible clothes- which he preferred. He didn’t have to.
      He would be careless with money and gambling in William Hill.
      He insisted on paying for a holiday and then asked for a loan to cover it.
      (detail removed by moderator)
      His previous girlfriend appeared to have been far too young for him ( sorry that is a value judgment possibly) but also she appeared to have mental health issues and I suspected him of takig advantage of her rather and then condoning it.
      He said he has ‘needs’. I said I have ‘needs’ but I don’t act on them!
      It wasn’t like he was even highly sexed.
      He was very clingy.
      When i tried to take a break he would come over unannounced and then lie about expect me to bring him food. Mostly I ignored him.
      Once when I was resting on my bed he told hme to ‘pull myself together’. I told HIM to eff off.
      He said he thought I was lovely in a period when I was on a mind numbing strong medication. He found me more docile.
      He would say weird things like ‘ You’ve been lovely the past couple of weeks!’
      I would say ‘I am always lovely’
      He would question what others thought of me: ‘ I said I was well loved… he had no answer for that.
      He appeared to envy my family upbringing which was loving despite a cold father.
      He kept going on and on about me wearing make up. Like I wear loads, but i don’t and I am very good at applying it and very into clothes and appearance.
      He mentioned it three times. he considered me highly intelligent and seemed to be saying it was unnecessary as his ex wife despised women who wore make up.
      I said that’s ‘cos she couldn’t wear it- you cannot polish a dog t**d. haha.
      I told him to stop going on and on about it. I wear very pretty dresses and am quite stylish ( I am told) and he said his exes wore jeans. How original, I said.
      He said no one would ever guess how clever I am from my voice ( which is light). (detail removed by moderator)

      He posted an FB status saying now he was alone he didn’t have to feel like he was walking on eggshells!
      I was incredibly angry and answered straight back onto his wall and blocked him.
      It was hard to evaluate as he had a nice ‘family ( no his) who adopted him here and had cared for him. They are also still kind to me and show they like me very much despite the break up. I thought because they loved him he must be okay…. but….

      He was controlling and stupid in the car giving me orders at junctions an roundabouts. I damaged my car on a pillar because of him and he would not take responsibility.
      I fixed it myself( of course lol)
      He said ‘A’ was a great driver. ‘Is that because he is a man?’ I asked. ‘Because women are bad drivers you know, all of them’. He kept acting like I was going at 90 miles and hour at 20 even, grabbing onto things obstructing my side view until I lost my temper.
      If I upset him he would sulk for days and pay me out.
      The sulking was monolithic.
      I would practically be expected to grovel. I found it very upsetting.

      He did do some pretty nice things for me which took time and effort. I have to say that o balance.
      But he was a whiner, very sorry for himself.
      I do miss his nicer ways but I am moving on.
      He would blame me if he were ill after such an ‘upset’.
      My feelings were secondary to his. His feelings were very important and he would say he was being censored if he was not listened to, or curtailed.
      He expected me to mother him always burying his head in me, I hated it.
      I found this distasteful.
      He knew I suffer from panic attacks and yet has been full of retribution since I left. I’m not speaking to him now.I have gone No Contact.

    • #20908
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Teatime,

      Thank you for your post. It sounds like you have managed to break free from a really horrible and abusive relationship. I am so pleased that you have gone no contact, it sounds like you are going from strength to strength and your post is an inspiration to everyone who is surviving an abusive relationship.

      Please keep posting.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

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