this morning I am wondering

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

What on earth I am doing…

I came back from the refuge having vowed I would keep my mouth shut, try and enjoy my home, my job, my garden, most of all be with my kids, stay quiet, say absolutely zero so nothing goes wrong.
I did none of that. Well…i am lying. I did try and at times I succeeded, and I enjoyed the days while he was at work.
But it was exhausting, it felt like watching someone “tease” me with moments of utter stupidity. I could not keep the silence, the non reaction going for long. It felt weird, it felt asphyxiating. It felt like a condemnation, an injury to who I really am. And during the “real” moments, those when I was expecting normal interaction, I experienced idiocy, utterly strange comments, a lack of interest and support, madness.

So I did a yoyo game, days of silence and days when situations caused me to be myself, all the time expecting him to be normal but all I achieved was to allow my reactions to burst. He always gave me the impression he enjoyed this, taping me, gas lighting me, recording me, giving me none of what I expected a normal couple would give to each other.

And now I have read and learned, now that we are helped by a family psychotherapist, I get days when my vision of things is so clear, yet I get days like this morning when I wake up totally lost and all I do is question myself, I start doubting myself, I feel upset to know we are divorcing, I feel scared and utterly confused.

I don’t like my husband, I don’t. But I am feeling lost and guilty. I watched a film last night about a young couple, uni students who eventually marry and face, as I did, living apart in two different countries. It made me feel uneasy, longing for that love I thought I felt, but also wondering how on earth I fell in love with him. I have read so much about abuse, n********m, personality disorders, co dependency, self esteem, the lot. It all fits.

But it’s my feelings this morning which make me feel disconnected to reality. I meet the family psychotherapist and I feel connected to reality when I see him, he “wakes me up”, he sees things as they are, but the moment I leave him, I am back into the strange life I live. I can’t connect to action, to divorce, to a “new” future life. Fear??

Anyway, today is one of those mornings. He is away so my kids and I are relaxed. But I had another text from him. Hoovering tactic. Short text, enough to destabilise me, and even my daughter said don’t believe him, he is a liar.

I have almost mastered silence. Almost. I avoid him. Almost. He now drinks often, and too much. I don’t know what to feel. The future scares me. He scares me. It just feels strange. Total loss of my sense of reality. Disconnection, utterly…

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